Page 8 - The Michigan Daily - Summer, 1986
Coping with ripe old age of 20
Chuck Swellguy turned 20 last week. This process occasionally begins before "birthdays." cheeks with his palms. "I was just going
Naturally I felt bad, since Chuck is an old age 20, and it produces what we call "Young They mask the ceremony by throwing about, minding my own business, when -
friend of mine, but what could I do? Republicans." (Sure that's a cheap shot, parties and giving presents, but the real being collegiate - I bought a copy of
The whole thing was tragic. Never again but I'm allowed - I'm still a teenager.) idea is to make you feel bad about losing Playboy because they had a story I wanted
would Chuck be a nutty, kooky teenager. No Usually, however,the loss of lotzo-arrogan- your lotzo-arrogance. To make things wor- to read. I accidentally dropped the
more wild teenage pranks. No more ce occurs over a long period of time. Thus, se, they hype up certain birthdays - 10, 16, magazine, and it opened to the Playmate
irresponsibility. No more fun. parents seem to become crazier as they get 18, 20, and 21 - to really rub it in. If you data sheet. There were all kinds of numbers,
r
Eric
Mattson M
I sympathized with Chuck, because I too
am planning to turn 20 sometime soon.
That's 140 in dog years. If I were a golden
retriever, I'd probably be dead.
But back to Chuck. He had always been a
fun-loving, wacky kid - the sort of fellow
who makes fun of the teacher by making
grunting noises. Now he faces an extraor-
dinary change.
Not many people know this, but it's been
clinically proven that the human brain
begins to decay after about 20 years, which
can lead to marriage, children, impotence,
and death - not necessarily in that order.
Working under laboratory conditions,
researchers have found that a critical hor-
mone called "lotzo-arrogance" stops being
secreted by the pituitary gland. When this
happens, people gradually become
"adults."
older, although they claim they are just
getting wiser.
We can only see our parents getting
crazier up to a point, and then their sanity
seems to level off. What really happens is
that we get crazier along with them, so it
It's been clinically proven
that the human brain
begins to decay after about
20 years, which can lead to
marriage, children, im-
potency, and death - not
necessarily in that order.
looks like they're just standing still.
Naturally, older people keep this whole
program a secret, because it could lead to
out-of-control mass hysteria. They want to
make sure that they maintain their power.
Part of their power consists of making the
rules for us to follow, and one of those rules
enforces an ancient pagan ritual called
don't think so, just ask Chuck.When I put
some effective mind altering drugs in his
Maalox, I found out what "adults" do to im-
press this on us.
Chuck recalled what had happened to him
over the last decade, starting with when he
was six.
"I was a precocious child. In kindergar-
ten, when all the other kids were just lear-
ning how to paste, I was already into
staplers. Because of this, I was promoted to
head crossing guard, which naturally tur-
ned me into an object of awe and fear.
"Then I turned 10," he said, his hands
shaking a little. "I don't know what hap-
pened. I was blowing out candles on my bir-
thday cake, then everything went fuzzy.
When I woke up, I was in high school and my
voice had changed."
"I was a rambunctious adolescent," he
said, his hands gently slapping his thighs. "I
got into trouble by going out to Taco Bell for
lunch and bringing back burritos for my
friends. 'If you're going to eat burritos in
school, you have to have enough for
everyone,' they told me."
"Suddenly, without any warning, I went to
college. I was 18, and I was still dripping
with lotzo-arrogance," he said, swatting his
but the only one that I really understood was
the birthdate.
"I was older than she was."
Now Chuck was getting goofy, banging his
head on the padded walls and wailing
piteously. I comforted him by telling him
that Playmates don't really exist; they're
projected onto a screen by computer
technology. (You can see this for yourself
because first, none of the playmates have
body hair, and second, nobody in the world
would list "mornings, sipping wine on the
beach, and moonlight" as their own turn-
ons).
Chuck was inconsolable. "I'm too young to,
be 20!" he screeched. He snapped out of it
when I told him what time it was. "My God,
I'll be late for class!" he said, then, com-
posing himself, he started off toward Angell
Hall.
I walked with him part of the way. We
stopped in at Taco Bell, where Chuck bought
a dozen burritos. He gave me one.
"Everything changes, but nothing else
does," he said. I laughed, not knowing what
he was talking about.
Mattson is the Daily's Editor in Chief.
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