Page 8 - The Michigan Daily - Summer, 1986 Coping with ripe old age of 20 Chuck Swellguy turned 20 last week. This process occasionally begins before "birthdays." cheeks with his palms. "I was just going Naturally I felt bad, since Chuck is an old age 20, and it produces what we call "Young They mask the ceremony by throwing about, minding my own business, when - friend of mine, but what could I do? Republicans." (Sure that's a cheap shot, parties and giving presents, but the real being collegiate - I bought a copy of The whole thing was tragic. Never again but I'm allowed - I'm still a teenager.) idea is to make you feel bad about losing Playboy because they had a story I wanted would Chuck be a nutty, kooky teenager. No Usually, however,the loss of lotzo-arrogan- your lotzo-arrogance. To make things wor- to read. I accidentally dropped the more wild teenage pranks. No more ce occurs over a long period of time. Thus, se, they hype up certain birthdays - 10, 16, magazine, and it opened to the Playmate irresponsibility. No more fun. parents seem to become crazier as they get 18, 20, and 21 - to really rub it in. If you data sheet. There were all kinds of numbers, r Eric Mattson M I sympathized with Chuck, because I too am planning to turn 20 sometime soon. That's 140 in dog years. If I were a golden retriever, I'd probably be dead. But back to Chuck. He had always been a fun-loving, wacky kid - the sort of fellow who makes fun of the teacher by making grunting noises. Now he faces an extraor- dinary change. Not many people know this, but it's been clinically proven that the human brain begins to decay after about 20 years, which can lead to marriage, children, impotence, and death - not necessarily in that order. Working under laboratory conditions, researchers have found that a critical hor- mone called "lotzo-arrogance" stops being secreted by the pituitary gland. When this happens, people gradually become "adults." older, although they claim they are just getting wiser. We can only see our parents getting crazier up to a point, and then their sanity seems to level off. What really happens is that we get crazier along with them, so it It's been clinically proven that the human brain begins to decay after about 20 years, which can lead to marriage, children, im- potency, and death - not necessarily in that order. looks like they're just standing still. Naturally, older people keep this whole program a secret, because it could lead to out-of-control mass hysteria. They want to make sure that they maintain their power. Part of their power consists of making the rules for us to follow, and one of those rules enforces an ancient pagan ritual called don't think so, just ask Chuck.When I put some effective mind altering drugs in his Maalox, I found out what "adults" do to im- press this on us. Chuck recalled what had happened to him over the last decade, starting with when he was six. "I was a precocious child. In kindergar- ten, when all the other kids were just lear- ning how to paste, I was already into staplers. Because of this, I was promoted to head crossing guard, which naturally tur- ned me into an object of awe and fear. "Then I turned 10," he said, his hands shaking a little. "I don't know what hap- pened. I was blowing out candles on my bir- thday cake, then everything went fuzzy. When I woke up, I was in high school and my voice had changed." "I was a rambunctious adolescent," he said, his hands gently slapping his thighs. "I got into trouble by going out to Taco Bell for lunch and bringing back burritos for my friends. 'If you're going to eat burritos in school, you have to have enough for everyone,' they told me." "Suddenly, without any warning, I went to college. I was 18, and I was still dripping with lotzo-arrogance," he said, swatting his but the only one that I really understood was the birthdate. "I was older than she was." Now Chuck was getting goofy, banging his head on the padded walls and wailing piteously. I comforted him by telling him that Playmates don't really exist; they're projected onto a screen by computer technology. (You can see this for yourself because first, none of the playmates have body hair, and second, nobody in the world would list "mornings, sipping wine on the beach, and moonlight" as their own turn- ons). Chuck was inconsolable. "I'm too young to, be 20!" he screeched. He snapped out of it when I told him what time it was. "My God, I'll be late for class!" he said, then, com- posing himself, he started off toward Angell Hall. I walked with him part of the way. We stopped in at Taco Bell, where Chuck bought a dozen burritos. He gave me one. "Everything changes, but nothing else does," he said. I laughed, not knowing what he was talking about. Mattson is the Daily's Editor in Chief. I WELCOMES YOU TO U-MI 1 0 COMES TO OF. QUICK ?START" MICHIGAN LEAGUE BUILDING You asked for it! Discover what made Now you can enjoy all 227 INGALLS Weight Watchers the the benefits of Weight FOR MOR INFOR TION motsuccessful weight Watchers right in CALL: 663-2365 control program ! the your area. entire world. JOIN WEIGHT WMTCHERS, NOW! ©1964, WeightWatchersInenationalInc. Ownersof theWeight Watchers and Quck Start rademarks.