i The Michigan Daily - michigandaily.com
Wednesday, January 12, 2011 - 7A
- Love to hate, hate to love the 'Shore'
Just when you thought the guido garbage
couldn't get any worse ... it did
By Jacob Axelrad ( Daily Arts Writer
I tolerated the first season. I cringed
when the second began. And now I have
to put my foot down. "Jersey Shore" - the
MTV reality series that made The Situation
and Snooki into household names - has
officially overstayed its welcome, and it's
time for it to end.
For those who don't know, the series
chronicles the lives of eight housemates
0 spending their summer together in Seaside
Heights at the Jersey Shore. Oh yeah, and
one other thing: The castmates are eight of
the most self-absorbed, shallow and, for all
intents and purposes, pathetic people you
will ever see on or off television A far cry
indeed from its more restrained and taste-
ful counterparts, "Big Brother" and "The
Real World."
The first part of the second season repli-
cated this premise with the only difference
being the location, Miami. Now the cast has
returned to the Shore - all of them, that
is, except Angelina (the one cast member
who seems to have had the bright idea to
get the hell off the show). But Angelina's
been replaced by a Snooki lookalike, Deena.
Unfortunately, this means that it's back to
the land of spray-on tans, hair gel, overex-
aggerated stereotypes and castmembers
who are beyond caricatures of themselves.
As Vinny himself so eloquently puts it, he
needs to go back: "Like a monkey has to go
to the jungle, I belong at the Jersey Shore."
Evidently, the reason for this show's contin-
ued existence is biology. And here I thought
it was just MTV cashing in on a profitable
franchise.
Since it debuted in 2009, I've heard the
gauntlet of defenses for the show. "It's so
addictive," or, "It's great for theme parties,"
or, my personal favorite, "It's just reality
TV. Obviously it's not 'real.' " This may be
true, but the fact remains that the quality
is so poor, the people so absurdly awful and
the portrayal of Italian-Americans so offen-
sive that I can no longer sit idly by and pre-
tend that it's an acceptable guilty pleasure,
because it's not.
For starters, let's look at midseason pre-
miere, "Back to the Shore." Pauly D, Snooki,
Mike "The Situation," Jenni "JWOWW,"
Ronnie, Sammi "Sweetheart," Vinny and
Deena converge on the Shore house for the
summer.
Immediately upon arrival, arguments
break outconcerning bedroom assignments
and Deena's presence. Overlooking all the
cursing that makes the episode sound likea
bunch of bleeps linked together by the occa-
sional reference to sex, hot tubs or hatred
for the other cast members, we can see that
we're literally watching the same show from
two years ago - and the producers couldn't
even come up with a different location!
So what does this mean? Well, since MTV
is unlikely to take the advice of a student TV
critic - particularly since the midseason
premiere garnered record ratings - there
may well be more in store for the "Jersey
Shore" crew. All I can do is wait for the
demise of what is quite possibly the worst
reality TV show of all time.
We all secretly wish we
were The Situation
By Alexander Russ
Daily Arts Writer
With the MTV reality hit "Jersey
Shore" returning for the remainder of
its second season, some of us might find
ourselves asking, "Why?" Why would
MTV want to follow around a group of ,
muscled-up, gelled-out people from New
Jersey who do nothing but go out every
night and make fools of themselves for all
the world to see?
Well, to be blunt, because it's down-
right hilarious.
"Jersey Shore" stars like Ronnie and
Snooki are the type of people most of us
hope we never become, but love to watch
in action every week. Let's be honest:
People like the ridiculous. There's little to
no enjoyment in watching agroup of "nor-
mal" people go about their everyday lives. Vinny peed.
On the flipside, there is an abundance of
enjoyment to be had from watching Snoo- self - or in other words, go out, raise hell
ki get punched in the face at a bar, Ronnie and party your ass off - wouldn't it be
repeatedly get blackout drunk and cheat pretty hard to say no? Even though many
on his girlfriend, Sammi "Sweetheart," or people often look on these characters
better yet, Mike "The Situation" extract with sheer disgust, there's a reason that
the two cuter-looking girls he picked up at "Jersey Shore" has so many viewers in the
the bar from his room, while leaving the young adult crowd - 6.5 million of them
"grenade" (in other words, an ugly girl ina tuned in for the current premiere. Getting
group of hotties) to sleep alone. Just about paid exorbitant amounts of money to go
all of the behavior these people exhibit on out and party is the college version of the
the show would be morally questionable, American Dream. Let's not pretend that
but the fact of the matter is that it's funny you would rather go out into the world
to watch. and earn your living "the honest way."
If a TV producer ever approached you For us college students, this would be
and asked if you would like to star in a the life. "Jersey Shore" is a glimpse into
show where all you have to do is be your- the ridiculous fantasy that partying more
will only get you more money and success
in life. If only it were true ...
You can love or hate these people all
you want. You can criticize them for rein-
forcing stereotypes about the Italian-
American community, or setting horrific
examples of how someone should act in
any given situation. But it can't be denied
that they are funny. And as long as they
continue to make themselves look like
idiots (albeit idiots with great tans),;they
will continue to make more money and
receive more views from kids like us,
thankful that we are not like them, but
wishing somewhere in the back of our
minds that we were.
Smith Westerns all
riffs, no substance
No, I don't know any Coldplay songs."
' kountry is just wrong
By BEN VERDI
Daily Arts Wrtier
"Country Strong" has no protagonist,
no conflict and no discernible storyline.
Garrett Hedlund gives perhaps the
best performance in "Country Strong,"
directed by Shana Feste
("The Greatest"). And,
despite his recent blitz
of the big screen in cOUn
"TRON: Legacy" and
now this film, despite Strong
his curious casting as At Quality16
Dean Moriarty in an and Rave
upcoming film adapta-
tion of Jack Kerouac's Screen Gems
novel, "On The Road,"
Hedlund just isn't a very good actor.
Nor, anymore, is Gwyneth Paltrow
("Iron Man 2"). Paltrow plays Kelly Can-
ter, who is billed as this film's main char-
acter, but is really its main distraction.
Tim McGraw ("The Blind Side"), who
plays James Canter (Kelly's husband), is
definitely not the film's protagonist, but
he's most respectable character of the
bunch - if only because someone has to
be. That is, while all the other characters
either cheat on their significant others or
abuse alcohol, drugs or their fans, James
Canter only hints at doing these things.
The only major mistake Canter makes
is ripping his country star wife out of
rehab too early and forcing her into a
tour she doesn't want to do, which ruins
everything about her life that she hadn't
already destroyed.
But movies overcome the fact that they
don't center around one protagonist, hero
or anti-hero all the time. So why is "Coun-
try Strong" such a steaming pile of shit?
Well, in addition to not having a character
worth caring about, this film doesn't have
a plot.
Yes, films can get by without having
clear, central narratives too, but not when
they don't have a main character for us. A
film needs to have at least one of those two
fundamental things: a plot, or an engross-
ing main character to follow while he or
she meanders around the world. A movie
can't be missing both of these things and
be considered good.
It's like football. You have to be able
to run well or pass well to win a football
game. If you can do both, you're in good
shape. And while you can get away with
only being good at one aspect of the game,
if you can't do either you've just got to
punt.
And this movie is a punt that gets
blocked and returned for a touchdown.
The viewer is almost left with no choice
but to hate "Country Strong" because of
how little it seems to care about itself.
Paltrow cries, Hedlund stares pensively
out the window and McGraw does all he
can to subtly deliver his cheesy lines in
every scene.
A small saving grace for the film is
its inclusion of "Gossip Girl" 's Leighton
Meester, who plays an up-and-coming
country singer who's supposed to some-
how inform our understanding of the
initial innocence of Kelly Canter's trou-
bled life as a famous person. All Meester
ends up doing, however, is lip-syncing,
looking hot and sounding stupid. But
at least watching her have sex isn't as
uncomfortable as watching Paltrow, or
any other lady your mom's age, do the
same.
First Glee,' now this
stop it, Gwyneth.
"Country Strong" promises to turn
more people away from country music
than any film in recent memory. There
aren't enough jokes to consider it a com-
edy, enough genuine emotions to make
it a drama or enough words to describe
how much you'll hate yourself for paying
to see it.
By DAVID RIVA
DailyArts Writer
A good guitar riff can go a long way.
Just ask Jimmy Page orKeith Richards.
A sizable portion of the most celebrated
songs in the history
of rock'n'roll are not **
remembered for their
vocal performance, Smjth
bassline or drumbeat. W M
Rather, a single repeated
chord progression laid Dye It Blonde
down by the proverbial Fat Possum
axeman has the ability '
to worm its way into a
listener's subconscious unlike any other
musical phenomenon. Chicago-based
Smith Westerns has taken this theory and
beaten it to death on its sophomore effort
Dye It Blonde.
Guitarist Max Kakacek presents riff
after riff at a maximum decibel level with
a moderately tamed sense of hyperactiv-
ity. To be fair, a good portion of these gui-
tar parts are compelling enough to make
the listener take notice. But when the
barely audible lead signer Cullen Omori
pipes in - sporting a slacker noncha-
lance contrary to the massively ambitious
soundscapes accompanying him - it's dif-
ficult to hear the song without noting its
obvious sonic imbalance.
Take opener "Weekend," for instance.
Some serious shredding occurs during the
first 30 seconds of the track, only to be let
down by Omori, who stumbles in to contrib-
ute his two cents about crying girls. "End of
the Night" and "Dye the World" follow suit
in almost identical form, differing only triv-
ially in their subject matter, which ranges
from talesoftakinggirlsoutonweekends to
descriptions of smiling girls.
On "All Die Young," the amp is final-
ly turned down and some ivory relief is
plunked out on the keys - appropriate for
a song title that differs only slightly from a
Billy Joel classic. Although the vocals final-
ly fit the musical mold, it becomes painfully
clear that Omori's whiny crooning wouldn't
sound pleasing regardless of the caliber of
his backing band.
This isn't the only example of idol wor-
ship on the record, however. The wistful
nostalgia of "Still New" sounds as if it's
going to break out into the chorus of Mott
the Hoople's "All the Young Dudes" at any
moment. Unfortunately, it never does and
the potential for a moving sing-along proves
to be false hope as the tune teases with yet
another unfulfilled guitar riff.
Lyrically, Dye It Blonde is almost crimi-
nally juvenile, in a distinctly non-endear-
ing manner. Granted, most of the band
members are not far removed from their
high school years (their ages range 18 to
20), but lines like "The look in your eyes /
makes me want to die / You're not the girl
I used to know" and "Weekends are never
fun / unless you're around here" are inex-
cusably childish.
We didn't like 'Dye
It Blonde. We also
don't like blondes.
Go figure.
The reason fellow slacker rockers like
Girls or forefathers like Pavement can
get away with such lackluster and under-
whelming vocal performances is because
the music meets them halfway and doesn't
overpower their meager abilities. on the
other hand, fellow riff rockers like The
Black Keys have succeeded in continuous-
ly looping guitar lines because their lead
singer rises to the occasion that the deter-
mined progressions pose. Even though
Smith Westerns has one piece of the puz-
zle in the genuinely gifted Kakacek, its
inability to find the other pieces and pro-
ceed to connect them properly will inhibit
them from progressing as a band.
DAILY ARTS IS LOOKING FOR SNARKY, SARCASTIC AND WILDLY CREATIVE WRITERS.
COME TO OUR MASS MEETINGS AT 420 MAYNARD ST.
7:30 P.M. ON JANUARY13,17 AND 19
E-mail join.arts@umich.edu for
more information.