i The Michigan Daily - michigandaily.com Wednesday, January 12, 2011 - 7A - Love to hate, hate to love the 'Shore' Just when you thought the guido garbage couldn't get any worse ... it did By Jacob Axelrad ( Daily Arts Writer I tolerated the first season. I cringed when the second began. And now I have to put my foot down. "Jersey Shore" - the MTV reality series that made The Situation and Snooki into household names - has officially overstayed its welcome, and it's time for it to end. For those who don't know, the series chronicles the lives of eight housemates 0 spending their summer together in Seaside Heights at the Jersey Shore. Oh yeah, and one other thing: The castmates are eight of the most self-absorbed, shallow and, for all intents and purposes, pathetic people you will ever see on or off television A far cry indeed from its more restrained and taste- ful counterparts, "Big Brother" and "The Real World." The first part of the second season repli- cated this premise with the only difference being the location, Miami. Now the cast has returned to the Shore - all of them, that is, except Angelina (the one cast member who seems to have had the bright idea to get the hell off the show). But Angelina's been replaced by a Snooki lookalike, Deena. Unfortunately, this means that it's back to the land of spray-on tans, hair gel, overex- aggerated stereotypes and castmembers who are beyond caricatures of themselves. As Vinny himself so eloquently puts it, he needs to go back: "Like a monkey has to go to the jungle, I belong at the Jersey Shore." Evidently, the reason for this show's contin- ued existence is biology. And here I thought it was just MTV cashing in on a profitable franchise. Since it debuted in 2009, I've heard the gauntlet of defenses for the show. "It's so addictive," or, "It's great for theme parties," or, my personal favorite, "It's just reality TV. Obviously it's not 'real.' " This may be true, but the fact remains that the quality is so poor, the people so absurdly awful and the portrayal of Italian-Americans so offen- sive that I can no longer sit idly by and pre- tend that it's an acceptable guilty pleasure, because it's not. For starters, let's look at midseason pre- miere, "Back to the Shore." Pauly D, Snooki, Mike "The Situation," Jenni "JWOWW," Ronnie, Sammi "Sweetheart," Vinny and Deena converge on the Shore house for the summer. Immediately upon arrival, arguments break outconcerning bedroom assignments and Deena's presence. Overlooking all the cursing that makes the episode sound likea bunch of bleeps linked together by the occa- sional reference to sex, hot tubs or hatred for the other cast members, we can see that we're literally watching the same show from two years ago - and the producers couldn't even come up with a different location! So what does this mean? Well, since MTV is unlikely to take the advice of a student TV critic - particularly since the midseason premiere garnered record ratings - there may well be more in store for the "Jersey Shore" crew. All I can do is wait for the demise of what is quite possibly the worst reality TV show of all time. We all secretly wish we were The Situation By Alexander Russ Daily Arts Writer With the MTV reality hit "Jersey Shore" returning for the remainder of its second season, some of us might find ourselves asking, "Why?" Why would MTV want to follow around a group of , muscled-up, gelled-out people from New Jersey who do nothing but go out every night and make fools of themselves for all the world to see? Well, to be blunt, because it's down- right hilarious. "Jersey Shore" stars like Ronnie and Snooki are the type of people most of us hope we never become, but love to watch in action every week. Let's be honest: People like the ridiculous. There's little to no enjoyment in watching agroup of "nor- mal" people go about their everyday lives. Vinny peed. On the flipside, there is an abundance of enjoyment to be had from watching Snoo- self - or in other words, go out, raise hell ki get punched in the face at a bar, Ronnie and party your ass off - wouldn't it be repeatedly get blackout drunk and cheat pretty hard to say no? Even though many on his girlfriend, Sammi "Sweetheart," or people often look on these characters better yet, Mike "The Situation" extract with sheer disgust, there's a reason that the two cuter-looking girls he picked up at "Jersey Shore" has so many viewers in the the bar from his room, while leaving the young adult crowd - 6.5 million of them "grenade" (in other words, an ugly girl ina tuned in for the current premiere. Getting group of hotties) to sleep alone. Just about paid exorbitant amounts of money to go all of the behavior these people exhibit on out and party is the college version of the the show would be morally questionable, American Dream. Let's not pretend that but the fact of the matter is that it's funny you would rather go out into the world to watch. and earn your living "the honest way." If a TV producer ever approached you For us college students, this would be and asked if you would like to star in a the life. "Jersey Shore" is a glimpse into show where all you have to do is be your- the ridiculous fantasy that partying more will only get you more money and success in life. If only it were true ... You can love or hate these people all you want. You can criticize them for rein- forcing stereotypes about the Italian- American community, or setting horrific examples of how someone should act in any given situation. But it can't be denied that they are funny. And as long as they continue to make themselves look like idiots (albeit idiots with great tans),;they will continue to make more money and receive more views from kids like us, thankful that we are not like them, but wishing somewhere in the back of our minds that we were. Smith Westerns all riffs, no substance No, I don't know any Coldplay songs." ' kountry is just wrong By BEN VERDI Daily Arts Wrtier "Country Strong" has no protagonist, no conflict and no discernible storyline. Garrett Hedlund gives perhaps the best performance in "Country Strong," directed by Shana Feste ("The Greatest"). And, despite his recent blitz of the big screen in cOUn "TRON: Legacy" and now this film, despite Strong his curious casting as At Quality16 Dean Moriarty in an and Rave upcoming film adapta- tion of Jack Kerouac's Screen Gems novel, "On The Road," Hedlund just isn't a very good actor. Nor, anymore, is Gwyneth Paltrow ("Iron Man 2"). Paltrow plays Kelly Can- ter, who is billed as this film's main char- acter, but is really its main distraction. Tim McGraw ("The Blind Side"), who plays James Canter (Kelly's husband), is definitely not the film's protagonist, but he's most respectable character of the bunch - if only because someone has to be. That is, while all the other characters either cheat on their significant others or abuse alcohol, drugs or their fans, James Canter only hints at doing these things. The only major mistake Canter makes is ripping his country star wife out of rehab too early and forcing her into a tour she doesn't want to do, which ruins everything about her life that she hadn't already destroyed. But movies overcome the fact that they don't center around one protagonist, hero or anti-hero all the time. So why is "Coun- try Strong" such a steaming pile of shit? Well, in addition to not having a character worth caring about, this film doesn't have a plot. Yes, films can get by without having clear, central narratives too, but not when they don't have a main character for us. A film needs to have at least one of those two fundamental things: a plot, or an engross- ing main character to follow while he or she meanders around the world. A movie can't be missing both of these things and be considered good. It's like football. You have to be able to run well or pass well to win a football game. If you can do both, you're in good shape. And while you can get away with only being good at one aspect of the game, if you can't do either you've just got to punt. And this movie is a punt that gets blocked and returned for a touchdown. The viewer is almost left with no choice but to hate "Country Strong" because of how little it seems to care about itself. Paltrow cries, Hedlund stares pensively out the window and McGraw does all he can to subtly deliver his cheesy lines in every scene. A small saving grace for the film is its inclusion of "Gossip Girl" 's Leighton Meester, who plays an up-and-coming country singer who's supposed to some- how inform our understanding of the initial innocence of Kelly Canter's trou- bled life as a famous person. All Meester ends up doing, however, is lip-syncing, looking hot and sounding stupid. But at least watching her have sex isn't as uncomfortable as watching Paltrow, or any other lady your mom's age, do the same. First Glee,' now this stop it, Gwyneth. "Country Strong" promises to turn more people away from country music than any film in recent memory. There aren't enough jokes to consider it a com- edy, enough genuine emotions to make it a drama or enough words to describe how much you'll hate yourself for paying to see it. By DAVID RIVA DailyArts Writer A good guitar riff can go a long way. Just ask Jimmy Page orKeith Richards. A sizable portion of the most celebrated songs in the history of rock'n'roll are not ** remembered for their vocal performance, Smjth bassline or drumbeat. W M Rather, a single repeated chord progression laid Dye It Blonde down by the proverbial Fat Possum axeman has the ability ' to worm its way into a listener's subconscious unlike any other musical phenomenon. Chicago-based Smith Westerns has taken this theory and beaten it to death on its sophomore effort Dye It Blonde. Guitarist Max Kakacek presents riff after riff at a maximum decibel level with a moderately tamed sense of hyperactiv- ity. To be fair, a good portion of these gui- tar parts are compelling enough to make the listener take notice. But when the barely audible lead signer Cullen Omori pipes in - sporting a slacker noncha- lance contrary to the massively ambitious soundscapes accompanying him - it's dif- ficult to hear the song without noting its obvious sonic imbalance. Take opener "Weekend," for instance. Some serious shredding occurs during the first 30 seconds of the track, only to be let down by Omori, who stumbles in to contrib- ute his two cents about crying girls. "End of the Night" and "Dye the World" follow suit in almost identical form, differing only triv- ially in their subject matter, which ranges from talesoftakinggirlsoutonweekends to descriptions of smiling girls. On "All Die Young," the amp is final- ly turned down and some ivory relief is plunked out on the keys - appropriate for a song title that differs only slightly from a Billy Joel classic. Although the vocals final- ly fit the musical mold, it becomes painfully clear that Omori's whiny crooning wouldn't sound pleasing regardless of the caliber of his backing band. This isn't the only example of idol wor- ship on the record, however. The wistful nostalgia of "Still New" sounds as if it's going to break out into the chorus of Mott the Hoople's "All the Young Dudes" at any moment. Unfortunately, it never does and the potential for a moving sing-along proves to be false hope as the tune teases with yet another unfulfilled guitar riff. Lyrically, Dye It Blonde is almost crimi- nally juvenile, in a distinctly non-endear- ing manner. Granted, most of the band members are not far removed from their high school years (their ages range 18 to 20), but lines like "The look in your eyes / makes me want to die / You're not the girl I used to know" and "Weekends are never fun / unless you're around here" are inex- cusably childish. We didn't like 'Dye It Blonde. We also don't like blondes. Go figure. The reason fellow slacker rockers like Girls or forefathers like Pavement can get away with such lackluster and under- whelming vocal performances is because the music meets them halfway and doesn't overpower their meager abilities. on the other hand, fellow riff rockers like The Black Keys have succeeded in continuous- ly looping guitar lines because their lead singer rises to the occasion that the deter- mined progressions pose. Even though Smith Westerns has one piece of the puz- zle in the genuinely gifted Kakacek, its inability to find the other pieces and pro- ceed to connect them properly will inhibit them from progressing as a band. DAILY ARTS IS LOOKING FOR SNARKY, SARCASTIC AND WILDLY CREATIVE WRITERS. COME TO OUR MASS MEETINGS AT 420 MAYNARD ST. 7:30 P.M. ON JANUARY13,17 AND 19 E-mail join.arts@umich.edu for more information.