0 0 0
6B he Statement Wednesday, 2010
WednesdayJanuary2,2010 The Statement 3B
news in review
Five of the most talked-about stories of the week, ranked in ascending order of actual importance
To: Natalie Emcard <email@example.com>
Subject: MOST AWKWARD NIGHT EVER!
Sorry I've been such a bad .
lately, but school is totally crazy right now. My new classes are pretty cool, but I've been like, four nights
NOUN VERB ENDING IN -ING
Bristol Palin, single teen mother An Australian Open match last
and daughter of former vice-pres- week was put on hold for 40
idential candidate Sarah Palin, told minutes when a ball boy wet his
Oprah via satellite from Alaska that pants. After replacing the boy, of-
she could "guarantee" she wouldn't ficials used sawdust and a blower
have sex again until marriage. to dry the court before play could
Learned your lesson, Bristol? continue.
The New York Times announced
it will begin charging for its web
content in 2011. Readers will be
able to view a set number of ar-
ticles for free each month before
fees are applied. Specific details
have yet to be released.
Though its authenticity has yet to Philip Hanlon was name
be confirmed, a recently leaked University's next provost
audio tape features Osama bin executive vice president
Laden praising the attempted demic affairs yesterday.I
Christmas Day attack. It also succeed current Univers
warns the U.S. to be prepared for Teresa Sullivan, who is le
further terrorist attacks. become the next preside
d as the
nt at UVA.
a week - lucky that I got my fake ID back from that sketchy ___
else I'd be totally stranded right now. Anyway, I have THE most
at the bar this summer!! Good thing I thought to
VON-SPECIFIC RELIGIOUS FIGURE
story to tell you about that kid,
MALE MICHIGAN ATHLETE
So, I told you that we've been
on-and-off for like,
months now. I really don't like him but it's just SO convenient because his
. friends are
with my friends, and I always see him when we go to the
TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP
, so like, why not? You know? It's not .
thing because we literally only talk when we're
OK, so here's the story: me and my friends went to
LEVEL OF INEBRIATION
ARTICLE OF CLOTHING
head to the
LOCATION IN A C
that barely covered my
to geta -
DAY__OFTHEWEEKbecause everyone was going. We decided to goall out, and I was wearing
DAY Of THE WEE
so I was feeling pretty good about myself haha. We get there and I see him right away and we
Long story short, we ended up in a and went back to his house. His roommate was already
MODE OF TRANSPORTATION
in the room, but we decided
we didn't care and started
ARTICLE OF CLOTHING
anyway. After a while, and very unexpectedly, he disappeared under the
STANDARD BEDROOM ITEM/FEATU
He also left his
It felt really weird, and it was so.
in the room that I knew he was
- on. YUCK.
0 2 3 45 + 67 7 1 8 +9 110
quotes of the week on the cheap
"Ifyou don't know how to read, you're not going to get very How to drink for as little money as possible
far in life."4
ZHUARA RIVERA, a 14-year-old resident of Laredo, Texas, in response to the
closure of the town's only bookstore. The closest bookstore is now 150 miles
"It is probably one of the three or four decisions in the history ofJ ?
the Supreme Court that most undermines democracy."
CHARLES SCHUMER, New York senator, in response to the Court's recent ruling
to do away with limits on corporate political spending.,, ,
"He hadn't had the opportunity to pray, so that is why he did it
on the plane." -
FRANCES WINCHELL, grandmother of Caleb Leibowitz - a 17-year-old Jewish
boy who caused the plane he was traveling on to be grounded out of fear of a bomb ILLUSTRATION BY KATIE EBERTS
when he pulled out tefillin, scripture-filled leather boxes used in morning prayer ollege. It's all about learning and bettering ourselves - except for that whole drinking
thing. Everyone does it, so why not do it on the cheap?
Let's just get this out of the way - it's easier to drink for little to no money when
new rules you're a girl. Drunk boys love to flash their credit cards, so why turn down a perfectly good
Order in a group at the bar and suddenly remember you only have a $20 bill. Tell your
No. 245: No. 246: No. 247: friend you'll "get the next one" and then lose said friend in the crowd. At least you offered.
Don't ever let your Don't believe the If you're the only one Strickland's and Campus Corner may be close, but they exploit their convenience by
inflating prices. Stock up on alcohol atMeijer - the prices are low and you can ride their
roommate make fliers. Pauly D is to get rejected from shopping carts down the aisles for an added bonus.
you feel guilty about not coming to Ann Skeeps, never ask Be nice to the bartenders! A little appreciation goes a long way in the world of beverage
service. A smile for a shot, anyone?
havi ng a com pletely Arbor.Rick's would your frnends to \eave Have advice far life on the cheap? Let us know. E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org
unproductive Friday. never sink that low. with you.
- ALLIE WHITE
by the numbers Courtesy of CNN
Gallons of crude oil spilled by a Number of barges the tanker ship Million gallons of crude oil spilled in 1989
tanker ship in Port Arthur, Texas collided with to cause the spill when the Exxon Valdez ran aground ona reef
in the Gulf of Alaska
It was SO awkward! I know you're probably.
. right now reading this, but it was actually awful. I was so uncomfortable that I kept looking at the
on his bedside table. I tried to be and let him know I wasn't enjoying it, but he wasn't getting it. I didn't
SOMETHING YOU'D FIND ON A BEDSIDE TABLE LET 'EM DOWN EASY ADJECTIVE
know what else to do, so I finally just blurted out, "Um, you can stop now. Thanks."
So he stops and says, "
I was so embarrassed that I got up, grabbed my off the floor and literally
JUNGLE ANIMAL-THEMED ACESSORY
home at 4a.m. without saying anything. I'm never going to live this down and I swear, I am going to die the next time I see him, especially if I find out that he's told his
. OMG, FML! I have to go shower to wash the memory of this experience off me.
FAMILY MEMBER HUMILIATING ADJECTIVE
! Talk soon!