0 0 0 6B he Statement Wednesday, 2010 WednesdayJanuary2,2010 The Statement 3B news in review Five of the most talked-about stories of the week, ranked in ascending order of actual importance From: Me To: Natalie Emcard Subject: MOST AWKWARD NIGHT EVER! Hey GIRL'S NAME Sorry I've been such a bad . lately, but school is totally crazy right now. My new classes are pretty cool, but I've been like, four nights NOUN VERB ENDING IN -ING Bristol Palin, single teen mother An Australian Open match last and daughter of former vice-pres- week was put on hold for 40 idential candidate Sarah Palin, told minutes when a ball boy wet his Oprah via satellite from Alaska that pants. After replacing the boy, of- she could "guarantee" she wouldn't ficials used sawdust and a blower have sex again until marriage. to dry the court before play could Learned your lesson, Bristol? continue. The New York Times announced it will begin charging for its web content in 2011. Readers will be able to view a set number of ar- ticles for free each month before fees are applied. Specific details have yet to be released. Though its authenticity has yet to Philip Hanlon was name be confirmed, a recently leaked University's next provost audio tape features Osama bin executive vice president Laden praising the attempted demic affairs yesterday.I Christmas Day attack. It also succeed current Univers warns the U.S. to be prepared for Teresa Sullivan, who is le further terrorist attacks. become the next preside d as the t and of aca- Hanlon will ity Provost eaving to nt at UVA. a week - lucky that I got my fake ID back from that sketchy ___ N else I'd be totally stranded right now. Anyway, I have THE most at the bar this summer!! Good thing I thought to him or VON-SPECIFIC RELIGIOUS FIGURE -slash- ADJECTIVE uncomfortable -slash- VERB story to tell you about that kid, ANOTHER ADJECTIVE MALE MICHIGAN ATHLETE So, I told you that we've been on-and-off for like, months now. I really don't like him but it's just SO convenient because his PHYSICAL ACTIVITY NUMBER . friends are with my friends, and I always see him when we go to the TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP , so like, why not? You know? It's not . SOCIAL SETTING -or any- ADJECTIVE thing because we literally only talk when we're OK, so here's the story: me and my friends went to LEVEL OF INEBRIATION on _ ANN, ARTICLE OF CLOTHING head to the LOCATION IN A C that barely covered my to geta - LUB ARBOR BAR/CLUB BODY PART FRUIT-BASED PRODUCT DAY__OFTHEWEEKbecause everyone was going. We decided to goall out, and I was wearing DAY Of THE WEE so I was feeling pretty good about myself haha. We get there and I see him right away and we Long story short, we ended up in a and went back to his house. His roommate was already MODE OF TRANSPORTATION in the room, but we decided INDOORACTIVITY we didn't care and started LA' KID'S ACTIVITY ARTICLE OF CLOTHING anyway. After a while, and very unexpectedly, he disappeared under the TE-NIGHT ACTIVITY STANDARD BEDROOM ITEM/FEATU and started RE He also left his It felt really weird, and it was so. in the room that I knew he was TEMPERATURE BODILY FUNCTION - on. YUCK. 0 2 3 45 + 67 7 1 8 +9 110 quotes of the week on the cheap "Ifyou don't know how to read, you're not going to get very How to drink for as little money as possible far in life."4 ZHUARA RIVERA, a 14-year-old resident of Laredo, Texas, in response to the closure of the town's only bookstore. The closest bookstore is now 150 miles away, "It is probably one of the three or four decisions in the history ofJ ? the Supreme Court that most undermines democracy." CHARLES SCHUMER, New York senator, in response to the Court's recent ruling to do away with limits on corporate political spending.,, , "He hadn't had the opportunity to pray, so that is why he did it on the plane." - FRANCES WINCHELL, grandmother of Caleb Leibowitz - a 17-year-old Jewish boy who caused the plane he was traveling on to be grounded out of fear of a bomb ILLUSTRATION BY KATIE EBERTS when he pulled out tefillin, scripture-filled leather boxes used in morning prayer ollege. It's all about learning and bettering ourselves - except for that whole drinking thing. Everyone does it, so why not do it on the cheap? Let's just get this out of the way - it's easier to drink for little to no money when new rules you're a girl. Drunk boys love to flash their credit cards, so why turn down a perfectly good drink? Order in a group at the bar and suddenly remember you only have a $20 bill. Tell your No. 245: No. 246: No. 247: friend you'll "get the next one" and then lose said friend in the crowd. At least you offered. Don't ever let your Don't believe the If you're the only one Strickland's and Campus Corner may be close, but they exploit their convenience by inflating prices. Stock up on alcohol atMeijer - the prices are low and you can ride their roommate make fliers. Pauly D is to get rejected from shopping carts down the aisles for an added bonus. you feel guilty about not coming to Ann Skeeps, never ask Be nice to the bartenders! A little appreciation goes a long way in the world of beverage service. A smile for a shot, anyone? havi ng a com pletely Arbor.Rick's would your frnends to \eave Have advice far life on the cheap? Let us know. E-mail onthecheop@umich.edu unproductive Friday. never sink that low. with you. - ALLIE WHITE by the numbers Courtesy of CNN Gallons of crude oil spilled by a Number of barges the tanker ship Million gallons of crude oil spilled in 1989 tanker ship in Port Arthur, Texas collided with to cause the spill when the Exxon Valdez ran aground ona reef in the Gulf of Alaska It was SO awkward! I know you're probably. . right now reading this, but it was actually awful. I was so uncomfortable that I kept looking at the EMOTIONAL RESPONSE on his bedside table. I tried to be and let him know I wasn't enjoying it, but he wasn't getting it. I didn't SOMETHING YOU'D FIND ON A BEDSIDE TABLE LET 'EM DOWN EASY ADJECTIVE know what else to do, so I finally just blurted out, "Um, you can stop now. Thanks." So he stops and says, " I was so embarrassed that I got up, grabbed my off the floor and literally JUNGLE ANIMAL-THEMED ACESSORY AWKWARD RESPONSE home at 4a.m. without saying anything. I'm never going to live this down and I swear, I am going to die the next time I see him, especially if I find out that he's told his ACTION VERB . OMG, FML! I have to go shower to wash the memory of this experience off me. FAMILY MEMBER HUMILIATING ADJECTIVE ! Talk soon! SALUTATION Me