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April 01, 2009 - Image 12

Resource type:
Text
Publication:
The Michigan Daily, 2009-04-01

Disclaimer: Computer generated plain text may have errors. Read more about this.

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11

1U'

In the six months you've been bunking at
yor parents' place, you've watched The
Wire" in its entirety but in no way gotten
closer to finding a real job. While "borrow-
ing" $10 fromY ourmom's purse to go to the
bar you find a new pocket Rocket vibrator.
Mom catches you snooping and says, 'Relax.
It's for your father." You decide you need to
move out. It's time to suck it up and ----
3A: Work nightsat Jimmyosenile
3B: Be a live-in aide for your senile
great uncle

37
f
t{
fy
i

You're named Jimmy John's
employee of the month
after a few customers
requested that you deliver
their Italian Night Club
sandwiches. Despite the
ominous burning feeling
when you pee, you're feel-
ing pretty good. You now
ra ffnrd health incrance

The Jimmy John's man-
ager fires you for wasting
ingredients. You're forced
to move back in with your
parents. Dad makes a crack
that you're cramping thei
sex life. You shudder andi
continue ordering the sixth
seaso of "Thn -

a
J
a
O
d
C2
d
1 7
a
J
/y} m.
F N
Z
0
a
N
J
J

You've learned a lot working at Jimmy John's.
First, expiration dates on mayonnaise are sub-
jective. Second, late-night delivery provides the
opportunity to make a lot more than just mini-
mum wage plus tips. At the end of a shift, your
coworker "six days clean" Seth tells you that if a
customer on your delivery route ever asks you to
come inside, you should do it. Seth points to his
new Audi - "Delivery guy sex fantasies, it's a
real thing." From that day on, you ___-
4A: Start prostituting on the side
4B: Start throwing away the mayonnaise

vvnen moving in with your greatu
you'reafraid ras and a yell from upstairs.
fourearadthtUncie Mau
len and broke so e ury might have
out he a Omething but i un
was just trying tok tturns
find in th g ball. you see will a mouse With
isd bin What you can
Maury d medicine cabinet to
ykdown. There is to calm Uncle
Rememb you could ever be re of every
emieering your mothePscribed.
e r w ith th e V i o h r ' P o o o k
idea to Vicodin addiction, you
- 'o get an
4C. Deal Your uncle's stash to
4 d: R i piloer uncloset j
cine cabinet

L cn a or eai~ rsur
At a party of your parents.
you casually mention to
your mother's pill-poP
coworker Denise theU cle
covery you made at Uncle
Maury's. Denise says tha
you'd like to helpyorsund
clean out the clutter, she
knowsalot of people h
;would take it off your han

VS

I I

(

l

. ,
Congratulations! It's graduation day and all your friends
and family are here to celebrate. Grandma wants to know
what you're doing now that you're done with school. You
cringe, shrug your shoulders and say, "It's not quite what I
wanted, with the economy and all, but I've decided to
2A: Work for Teach for America
2B: Live at home while figuring things out

Your first choice for your Teach for America
location was New York City, but you were
placed in Kansas City. You're comforted that
Kansan middle schoolers are probably easier
to handle then city kids. Your first day, though,
your students light a small fire in the corner of
the classroom and then lock you in a supply
closet where you're trapped overnight. Letting
tears fall onto your makeshift bed of puke-
absorbing sawdust, you decide to._____

abebscng successful
Aerica i a nclasshe
Teacher for - henext deay iin
respect in bggest'nea his self-
pick bo butdestroynhindren-
room and goibe\k 5ne cfter two
worth." going any where.s outo
Synyisn't egoS ydney droP5
y arO sas a who
months,15 Y but your claas cho
month grade, able Thab e chO
the eig lyf ~5ageWhich Yo
is now completterm m P on, w u
offers you al
-- 1ediatelaccept.
4E ty u luck anywhere
4F Turn down totr5anas.

The next day in class, you bring in candy
to give to students who answer questions
right. Your students call your policy unfair
and prejudiced. They revolt, tipping over
desks and chanting. Panicked, you grab
the first kid you can get your hands on. It's
Sherry Ann, the most developed girl in the
school. She tells her parents about it and
a week later, you are served with a sexual
harassment suit. In turn, you- .
4G: Plead with the school administration
to intervene
4H: Hire an attorney, intending to go to
court

You didn't think you'd
particularly like teaching
but now you revel in the
spsyht logicalypowertYs
ing career of breaking di
fragile preteen psyches
Principal Thurber placates
Sherry Ann's parents. He
says he has to ask for your
resignation, but that the
school system routinely
rehires teachers who have
had complaints brought
against them to a position a
another school.

arc a i e Sopranos"
ron Netflix.'"
Uncle Maury yells at you
for messing up his medicine
cabinet. Weeks later, you're
if hospitalized after acciden-
le tally ingesting rat poison
that Uncle Maury hid in a
tub of oatmeal.
ds.
each for America turns
ofivtr be quite an effec
tiersumd booster.Wil
your colleg hile
sleeping e friends are still
g p couche eir parents'
S with esyou land a real job
wfy- bnefits and every-
y-_ thing... in Salt L eCity.
own
Your lawyer gets Sherr
Ann's parents to settrryu
of court at your parents'
expense. Having spent your
paltry savings on your legal
dfense, you move intoou
parents' house and apply for
it a job at Jimmy John's.

3C: Fight back
3D: Kill the brats with kindness

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