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PLEASE DON'T HURT THIS AMAN
In these tumultuous times, national bigwigs are under a lot of pressure to
not slip up. To our amusement, they always do.
Compiled by Brian Tengel
The White House Wall Street The Exiled Party The Big Three
One Daily editor sets out to punk Ann Arbor, struggles
with his conscience and almost gets his ass kicked
while wearing a banana suit
Andy Reid I Daily Sports Editor
I have a whole new appreciation
for Ashton Kutcher.
See, when I first heard there was
going to be a humor issue of The
Statement on April Fool's Day, I had
what I thought at the time to be a
brilliant idea. I'm going to pull stu-
pid pranks on unsuspecting Univer-
sity students and write about it:
Little did I know that "punking"
strangers involves two things: an
utter disregard for the well-being of
those around you and a douchebag
factor of at least 85 on a 100-point
scale. So kudos to you, Mr. Kutcher.
Your inherent assholeness is quite
an impressive feat.
I have no problems with pranks
- when they're between friends
who have a legitimate shot at seek-
ing revenge. One of my crowning
achievements is placing an open
can of mustard-flavored anchovies
under the seat of my friend's car. It
roasted in the sun and smelled for
And nothing beats putting Spam
under car-door handles.
But as my friends and I brain-
stormed ideas for this piece, there
wasonerecurringtheme: I feltlike a
prick just thinking about doing this
stuff. The ideas rolled in:
Saran-wrap the toilets in Angell
Hall. Not only would I totally ruin
a stranger's day, but I'm pretty sure
that's, like, a felony or something.
Pour baby oil all over a hallway.
Hilarious until someone breaks a
bone or gets oil all over his or her
term paper, which would inevitably
spur some especially intense stu-
dents to violence.
Streak naked through the streets
of Ann Arbor. And land myself on
the sex offender list.
But since I committed to this
assignment, I had to bite the bullet
and do some stupid things. I decided
all I needed was some fishing wire,
Silly String, a banana costume (try
and imagine the look on the store
clerk's face as she rang up that
order) and the testicular fortitude to
go through with this.
So, Saturday night, I sat calmly
on the corner of my bed, breathing
deeply and convincing myself that
no one was going to catch me as I
sprinted past the line at Scorekeep-
er's armed with two cans of Silly
I meticulously slipped the banana
suit over my body and sighed. It was
kind of like that scene before the
big fight in "The Wrestler", where
I didn't know if I would survive
the wrath of on-the-prowl, button-
down-shirted Skeep's patrons.
The only thing I could say on the
car ride there was, "This is a bad
idea." Frat-tastic bros, alcohol, hav-
ing to stand in an enormous line
and some little jackass in a banana
costume spraying everyone with
green foam - well, you can see how
that's just not a good mix. It took me
a good minute to finally step out of
the car, but once I did, it was on.
I ran toward the line, my Silly
String cocked and loaded. At first,
no one reacted as the foam floated
over the hoards of miniskirts shuf-
fling towards the door. But then it
"Hey, fuck you, asshole!" people
screamed. I had one thing to my
advantage: no one wanted to sacri-
fice their place in line to come punch
me in the head.
As I doubled back to spray every-
one again, I felt hands grabbing
for me, heard more obscenities
screamed at me and watched as
girls in tight, shiny tops acted as if
the Silly String was acidic instead of,
well, just Silly String.
I saw one guy duck under the
rope, and I knew it was time to
G.T.F.O., if you know
what I'm saying.
Channeling the type
of strength a mother
has when her child is
in danger, I full-out
leaped over the hood
of a car to get out to
the street and away
from the line.
I looked back to
see one bro running 4
after me, scream-,
ing, "Hey, fucker, get
back here!" I hopped
in the getaway car,
two freshly empty
cans of Silly Stringy
in my hands, shak-
ing from adrenaline
and excitement. My
getaway driver was
incredulous that I
had gone back down
the line to spray
If prank one
was one big rush of
two was all about'
My friend and I
taped a five-dollar
bill to a long string
of clear fishing wire.
The resulting prank was exactly like Finally, agirl spotted the bill, bent
a long, boring day of fishing. down and picked it up. She had it in
We stood off of South Univer- her hand before I yanked it away.
sity Street, near TCF Bank, with the Without reaction and without
money sitting in a very visible place looking up, she simply walked away
on the sidewalk. If there's one lesson as if nothing happened.
to be learned, it's that no one at the . A few moments passed before a
University looks down when they kid on a bike doubled back to scoop
walk. Either that or out-of-staters up the bill. When I pulled it away, he
are so wealthy, $5 on the sidewalk looked up, laughed and said, "Ahh,
isn't worth enough to bend down I thought it was my day," before
and pick it up. wheeling away.
I spent about 20 minutes at that And shortly after that, three
spot, but nobody fell for it. People friends who were walking through
stepped on and biked over the bill. the Diag spotted the bill on the
Two women had a five-minute con- ground. One picked it up excitedly.
versation less than three feet away I yanked the fishing line, forcing it
from it. Incredulous, I decided to out of the first kid's hands. As the
try my luck at the Diag. I planted three argued about who had seen
the bill near the 'M' in the center of the bill first, one of them - a student
the diag, sat in the grass nearby and who I later learned was Engineer-
waited again. ing sophomore Zunail Meredia -
"It's like - it was like Special
Olympics or something."
"Mistakes were made at AIG
on a scale few could have ever
-Obama, describing his poor
Dumbest bowling skills on "The Tonight -Liddy, discussing the company's
Gaffe Show" with Jay Leno on March 19. part in the economic crisis at a
Congressional hearing on March 18.
"We never expected when we
printed out our budget that
they would simply Xerox it
and vote on it."
-Obama, at a news confer-
ence on March 24, responding to
harsh criticism of his economic
plan from both Democrats and
"Yeah. I mean, again, I think "While always being mind-
that's an individual choice." ful of company costs, all
business travel requires the
-Steele, in an interview with highest standard of safety
GQ on March 11, when asked for all employees."
whether he supports the right of
a woman to choose to have an -Chrysler spokeswoman Lori
abortion. The Republican Party McTavish on why Nardelli flew in
traditionally opposes abortion, a private jet to request bailout
money from Congress.
"We want to convey that the "The bankruptcy of any one
modern-day G.O.P. looks like the automotive manufacturer, we
conservative party that stands believe, threatens the viability
on principles. But we want to ofallautomakers."
apply them to urban-suburban
hip-hop settings." -Nardelli, at a Congressional
hearing on Nov. 19, explaining why
-Steele, the chairman of the Repub- it is critical for Congress to provide
lican National Committee, explain- bailout funds to the automakers,
ing to the washington Times how
the Republican Party should pursue
expanding its base.
"We need to uptick our image "I'd be willing to accept that."
with everyone, including one-
armed midgets." -Nardelli, when asked at the
Nov. 19 hearing if he would be
-Steele, in an interview with the willing to make $1 a year if the
-asheeeinon ieserv eb. 19,h tgovernment bailed out Chrysler.
washington Times on Feb. 19 di- He was paid a $210 million sever-
cussdg ow thde Republian Party ancepackage when Home Depot
needs to broaden its support. fired him as its CEO in 2007.
stepped on the bill, picked it up and
pulled hard enough to tear it from
He offered to give the money
back, but I figured it was karma for
pulling the prank in the first place -
I let him keep it.
So, there it is. Happy April Fool's
My sincerest apologies to any bro
whose hair gel reacted badly with
the Silly String or anything like that.
But it couldn't have been worse than
being covered in foam or written on
with highlighters - things many
college students do willingly.
..1 have asked the employees of
AIG Financial Products to step
up and do the right thing. Spe-
cifically, Ihave asked those who
received retention payments of
$100,000 or more to return at
-Liddy, trying to quell anger over the
disclosure that AIG paid $165 million
in bonuses after being bailed out by
"But today does mark the
beginning of the end, the
beginning of what we need
to do to create jobs for
Jargonise Americans scrambling in the
-Obama. in remarks while
signing his $787 billion eco-
nomic stimulus bill into law on
"It will be avant garde, techni-
cally. It will come to table with
things that will surprise every-
one - off the hook."
-Steele, in an interview with GQ on
March 11, responding to a question
about how he plans to revamp the
Republican Party's image.