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Spring break psychoanalysis
Whether you solidified your spring break plans months ago or are scrambling to put together-a last minute trip, it's
important to understand one truth about your spring break destination: Your plans were made long before you logged
onto Kayak.com. A spring break locale is more than a place to kill a week: It is you.
By Michael Passman Daily Arts Editor
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ILLUSTRATIONS BY ALLISON GHAMAN
MR. AND MRS. MARY MARKLEY
Destination: Acapulco
If you spent yourfreshman year hiking back andforth
from the Hill, you not only lost countless hours oftyour
life avoiding construction and trekking across that damn
bridge, but there's also a 90 percent chanceyou've spent
at least one spring break in Acapulco. After hitting Cancun
or the Bahamas - depending on how protective your par-
ents were - during your high school senior spring break,
Acapulco seemed like the next logical step in your spring
break maturation. And nothing says mature like Mexico!
Just try to avoid the water, and the cabs, and the produce
and the warring drug cartels - thosefuckers will getcha.
THE "1-UKE-NATURE-AND-WANT-
TO-TELL-YOU-ABOUT-IT" GUY
Destination: Colorado
Heading to Mexico or another traditional spring break
locale was never really an option for you, was it? So
instead oftgetting a margarita made in your mouth in a
country devoid oftsquirrels, you headto the Rockies to ski
and take pictures on the summit oftAjax for your Facebook
profile. But while you know your trip out west easily beats
its Caribbean counterpart, you can't resist the urge to
constantly gloat about witnessing "God's beauty" while
throwing "majestic" and "opulent" into every other clause
once you get back home. We get it. It's nice there. Now go
to Zermatt and take a picture irnfront oftthe Matterhorn
- then I'll be impressed.
THE GOOD SAMARITAN
Destination: Alternative spring break
Well aren't you such a wonderful motherfucker, using your
valuable spring break time to help out those in need. Sorry
buddy, but you're notfooling me. Actually, I'm just a little
jealous. Not only do you get to go on a relatively cheap
trip to one oftthe'Guays, but you can also put it on your
resume and convince yourself into thinking you're actually
helping people by kicking a soccer ball around with some
unfortunate kid who's wearing a Chicago Bears 2007
Super Bowl Champions shirt. Just realize, I'm onto you.
THE SLOW TIMES AT RIDGEMONT
HIGH CLASS OF '0
Destination: Concun
OK, so your parents wouldn't let you go anywhere exotic
when you were in high school and now you're ready to
make upfor lost time. Odds are you didn't live in Alice
Lloyd and aren't in the Greek system buttflirted with the
idea oftit years back, and now you just want to hit Cancun
because Jerry Springer did in'99. But don't let MTVfool
you. Cancun isfor kids, well, high school kids at least. On
the bright side, you could probably chaperone your little
cousin's high school trip at the same time, which could be
OK, as long as you're cool with people calling you "Mom"
now and again.
THE P.A.RT. GUY
Destination: Daytona Beach
In the seriestfinale oft"Da Ali G Show," Sacha Baron
Cohen's somewhatforgotten alias Bruno spends spring
break in Daytona Beach, Fl., where he gets wrestling tips
from an RV full oftamateur wrestlers. After eliciting some
excessive pectoral flexing and one too many suplexes,
Bruno reveals that he's reportingtfor Austrian Gay TV, and,
well, the wrestlers aren't too thrilled. So by my calcula-
tions, you're either a gay AustrianlTV personality or a
vehement homophobe that's into grappling dudes on the
beach. I'll let you decide where you fall on this one.
THE SUPERFAN
Destination: Ann Arbor avnd Happy
Valley
Some people see spring break as a time to get away
and relax, butfor you, it's time offto keep up with your
powerhouse college basketball team. Aftertwo home
games against Illinois and Northwestern, you head out to
Happy Valleyfor the March,1, game against Penn Statefor
Michigan's last Big Ten road game oftthe season. With the
NCAA Tournament just a few weeks away, you're anxious
to see how your team will perform downthe stretch and
can't think ofta better way to kill a mid-February week in
the Midwest. In other news, Bonnie Blair just wongold in
the 500m atnthe'92 Albertville Games and Bill Clinton is
scheduled to perform on "Arsenio"tonight.
THE TAGALONG
Destination: Visiting your boy/girl-
friend studying abroad:
After a couple months of life in Ann Arbor without your
significant other, you makethe questionable decision to
cash in yourfrequenttflier miles and head for your other
half's new home. Now either you've got some legitimate
separation issues or you're reallyinto gelato, but either
way I'm concernedfor you. You might be a semi-rational .
person, but don't fool yourselftinto thinking your old
friend is the same as when he or she left.If you're going
to Europe, you'll just have to accept that your host now
smokes during meals, subscribes to NME and continually
debates the merits of Henry over Kaka. But at least you'll
go home with afew more stamps in your passport, which
is nice.
THE HOMEBODY
Destination: Hone
Your friends might be hassling you for spending your
spring break at home, but they just can't grasp the true
genius of your spring break abstinence. By not going
anywhere, you're successfully avoiding this unfair catego-
rization and won't have to payfor meals for a week. You
are one savvy traveler, err, non-traveler. Either thator you
have nofriends - it's 50/50.