-imum^^ Th M9hia Da-y- husdy Jnury24 2 Spring break psychoanalysis Whether you solidified your spring break plans months ago or are scrambling to put together-a last minute trip, it's important to understand one truth about your spring break destination: Your plans were made long before you logged onto Kayak.com. A spring break locale is more than a place to kill a week: It is you. By Michael Passman Daily Arts Editor V U -w i c r ILLUSTRATIONS BY ALLISON GHAMAN MR. AND MRS. MARY MARKLEY Destination: Acapulco If you spent yourfreshman year hiking back andforth from the Hill, you not only lost countless hours oftyour life avoiding construction and trekking across that damn bridge, but there's also a 90 percent chanceyou've spent at least one spring break in Acapulco. After hitting Cancun or the Bahamas - depending on how protective your par- ents were - during your high school senior spring break, Acapulco seemed like the next logical step in your spring break maturation. And nothing says mature like Mexico! Just try to avoid the water, and the cabs, and the produce and the warring drug cartels - thosefuckers will getcha. THE "1-UKE-NATURE-AND-WANT- TO-TELL-YOU-ABOUT-IT" GUY Destination: Colorado Heading to Mexico or another traditional spring break locale was never really an option for you, was it? So instead oftgetting a margarita made in your mouth in a country devoid oftsquirrels, you headto the Rockies to ski and take pictures on the summit oftAjax for your Facebook profile. But while you know your trip out west easily beats its Caribbean counterpart, you can't resist the urge to constantly gloat about witnessing "God's beauty" while throwing "majestic" and "opulent" into every other clause once you get back home. We get it. It's nice there. Now go to Zermatt and take a picture irnfront oftthe Matterhorn - then I'll be impressed. THE GOOD SAMARITAN Destination: Alternative spring break Well aren't you such a wonderful motherfucker, using your valuable spring break time to help out those in need. Sorry buddy, but you're notfooling me. Actually, I'm just a little jealous. Not only do you get to go on a relatively cheap trip to one oftthe'Guays, but you can also put it on your resume and convince yourself into thinking you're actually helping people by kicking a soccer ball around with some unfortunate kid who's wearing a Chicago Bears 2007 Super Bowl Champions shirt. Just realize, I'm onto you. THE SLOW TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH CLASS OF '0 Destination: Concun OK, so your parents wouldn't let you go anywhere exotic when you were in high school and now you're ready to make upfor lost time. Odds are you didn't live in Alice Lloyd and aren't in the Greek system buttflirted with the idea oftit years back, and now you just want to hit Cancun because Jerry Springer did in'99. But don't let MTVfool you. Cancun isfor kids, well, high school kids at least. On the bright side, you could probably chaperone your little cousin's high school trip at the same time, which could be OK, as long as you're cool with people calling you "Mom" now and again. THE P.A.RT. GUY Destination: Daytona Beach In the seriestfinale oft"Da Ali G Show," Sacha Baron Cohen's somewhatforgotten alias Bruno spends spring break in Daytona Beach, Fl., where he gets wrestling tips from an RV full oftamateur wrestlers. After eliciting some excessive pectoral flexing and one too many suplexes, Bruno reveals that he's reportingtfor Austrian Gay TV, and, well, the wrestlers aren't too thrilled. So by my calcula- tions, you're either a gay AustrianlTV personality or a vehement homophobe that's into grappling dudes on the beach. I'll let you decide where you fall on this one. THE SUPERFAN Destination: Ann Arbor avnd Happy Valley Some people see spring break as a time to get away and relax, butfor you, it's time offto keep up with your powerhouse college basketball team. Aftertwo home games against Illinois and Northwestern, you head out to Happy Valleyfor the March,1, game against Penn Statefor Michigan's last Big Ten road game oftthe season. With the NCAA Tournament just a few weeks away, you're anxious to see how your team will perform downthe stretch and can't think ofta better way to kill a mid-February week in the Midwest. In other news, Bonnie Blair just wongold in the 500m atnthe'92 Albertville Games and Bill Clinton is scheduled to perform on "Arsenio"tonight. THE TAGALONG Destination: Visiting your boy/girl- friend studying abroad: After a couple months of life in Ann Arbor without your significant other, you makethe questionable decision to cash in yourfrequenttflier miles and head for your other half's new home. Now either you've got some legitimate separation issues or you're reallyinto gelato, but either way I'm concernedfor you. You might be a semi-rational . person, but don't fool yourselftinto thinking your old friend is the same as when he or she left.If you're going to Europe, you'll just have to accept that your host now smokes during meals, subscribes to NME and continually debates the merits of Henry over Kaka. But at least you'll go home with afew more stamps in your passport, which is nice. THE HOMEBODY Destination: Hone Your friends might be hassling you for spending your spring break at home, but they just can't grasp the true genius of your spring break abstinence. By not going anywhere, you're successfully avoiding this unfair catego- rization and won't have to payfor meals for a week. You are one savvy traveler, err, non-traveler. Either thator you have nofriends - it's 50/50.