u '- = . A k ' The Michigan Daily
E
I
COOLER THAN
THOU
How TO ACT BORED AND
SUPERIOR AT A PARTY
BY KIMBERLY CHOU I Associate Arts Editor
Working the walk of shame.
By KIMBERLY CHOU
and ANDREW SARGUS KLEIN
DailyArts Editors
The digital clock on the bedside
table is blinking red as the alarm
clock clicks into a MIDI version of
Chris Brown's "Move That Booty."
Cali III textbook and papers strewn
across the floor, half a fifth of Tri-
ple Distilled perched on a stack of
records, a pair of familiar pants
wedged in the gap between the bed
and wall. Outside the window, the
air is slate-gray and damp, the lawn
already littered with red Solo cups
from early-morning tailgaters.
Sleep slowly seeps from your
eyes as you take stock of the situa-
tion: Where am I? Did I have sex last
night? Was it good? Would I care?
There are many ways you could
have gotten into this situation - a
long week, too little clothing, too
much tequila, a combination of the
above. The followingis alaundrylist
of potential scenarios and combina-
tions thereof.
a) "Oh my God, where are my
panties?"
The one-night stand
So maybe you didn't sleep with
him. But you still slept over, and now
walking through the Diag in your
barn-dance outfit proves much more
daunting than the 3 a.m. stumble to
his Packard Street house last night.
Wash your face. The raccoon
look is a dead giveaway that you've
been out. And probably being a
slooty-sloot.
Find your clothes. Sometimes
this is a problem. To avoid unseemly
glares by passers-by, make sure
what you're wearing on bottom
matches your shoes. It doesn't mat-
ter if you're wearing a miniskirt and
stiletto pumps in line at Espresso
Royale when everyone else is trying
to make it to lecture on time - what
looks worse is if you're wearing bor-
rowed lacrosse shorts and fuck-me
boots.
Don't look guilty. Maybe you're
just dressed up for an interview ... at
DajkVu. Or the GSI is offering extra
credit to anyone who comes in cos-
tume to your anthro discussion.
Work in your work out. One
of the most widely circulated sto-
ries on collegehumor.com - there's
even a Facebook.com tribute - is a
piece titled "Avoiding the Walk of
Shame." Hunter College's Jake Hur-
witz advises you to "pretend you're
jogging" or "ride a bike" (given that
you have one conveniently stored
somewhere). This works especially
well if you're wearing, say, spandex
from an'80s-themed party.
b) "Just give me five minutes,
Imfine."
Inability to exit the party without
falling asleep or vomiting
The music is churning in your
soul - along with that burrito. And
when the soul-purging moment
arrives, you're just in front of the
toilet. Which could also be your bed
for the night. What to do?
If they see you. If you're friends
with the people who live in the
house, laugh about it together and
shake it off, understanding that
Facebook pictures and unwanted
body ink are the norm.
If you're not, find the front door
immediately. Be courteous: Make
the bed if you were put in one, make
sure there aren't any mysterious
stains, etc. If you're feeling especial-
ly altruistic, clean that shit up.
Consequences. You're probably
hungover. The best solution is not to
drink more, or take Tylenol, actual-
ly. Personally we're big fans of Gato-
rade, but greater sources (Google,
about.com) recommend this bever-
age:
The No-Alcohol Hangover Mix
one part olive oil, one raw egg yolk,
salt and pepper, one-two table-
spoons of tomato ketchup, a dash of
Tabasco and worcestershire sauce
and some lemon juice (or vinegar).
Mmm.
Eggs are actually great after any
night where you've been actively
destroying your liver and lungs. The
amino acid N-acetyl-cysteine works
to rid your body of toxins.
Stay away from coffee or soda;
like alcohol, they're also diuret-
ics and will simply make you more
dehydrated. Drink a lot of water.
Pee. Skip lecture, maybe.
c) "I was at the UGLi, I swear!"
Falling asleep duringfinals week
and how to make it not look like
either a) or b) happened as you're
walking home
Relax. We all work hard, we all
play hard. Sometimes, the two con-
fuse each other. Sometimes your
alarm clock is aburly Fishbowl cus-
todian named Jeff, inquiring as to
ALEX DZIADOSZ/Daly
your health.
Shake it off - it happens.
Check yourself. Did you get any
work done? (Hey, at least you were
in the right place.) Realize that you
can only live to fight another day,
gather your belongings and allow
Jeff to escort you from the building.
d) "Who the fuck wrote on
me?"
The timeless prank of drunken
tattooing
Worst-case scenario. So you're
already an hour late to your dentist
appointment. After scrubbing the
phalli off your forearms and cheeks,
you gamely tell the receptionist
your tardiness was a result of sick-
ness and reschedule for later that
day. Upon returning home, you real-
ize several elaborate renderings of
genitalia were left unchecked on the
back of your neck, plainly visible for
anyone to see - especially when you
turned and walked away from said
receptionist. You are a dick. Almost
literally. Your bluff is exposed as the
shallow lie it is.
Best-case scenario. It's a) non-
permanent marker, b) riddled with
typos, c) ... who are you kidding?
You look like a dick. Still. Almost
literally.
Nothing is permanent. Per-
manent marker can be removed in
several ways. Actually, only one:
bathing. We know dorm showers
aren't spectacular, but neither is
"BALLS" written on your forehead.
nless it's your first year
here - actually, espe-
cially if it is - you should
know this: Parties are overrated.
Whether dealing with keggers at
musty, beer-soused fraternities,
claustrophobic house parties or
awkward apartment get-togeth-
ers, don't dare act as if you're
enjoying yourself. Acting bored
and superior isn't just the new
cool - it always has been.
If you're not already light-
ing up a Gauloise and muttering
about absurdist theater and the
evolution of jazz, here's neces-
sary help. So maybe you don't
know Samuel Beckett from Sid-
ney Bechet - you can pretend.
Step 1: Isolate yourself. Nothing
says distant and aloof like being
physically distant and aloof.
Choose your space wisely: At a
party, a dark corner or back porch
will suffice. Too many Midwest-
ern sorority girls will be smoking
in the front.
| Step 2: Wear dark clothing,
preferably something black or
form-fitting. Resembling a Beat
Generation writer/Stephen Mal-
kmus amalgam creates an ade-
quate level of pretension. Stark,
rectangular-rimmed glasses and
slip-on shoes are permissible
accessories.
Step 3: Smoke cigarettes, lots of
| cigarettes - specifically brands
that utilize timeless marketing
aesthetics. The better the box,
the better you look. Lucky Strikes
are the obvious choice; Gauloise
comes in second, pushing ahead
of the rest of the pack because
they are French.
Step 4a: With the privileged
few you allow into your elite
circle, discuss modernist and
post-colonialist literature, or, at
the very least, suggest that you
do. Be seen with select volumes
in your back pocket or messen-
ger bag. Try W.S. Burroughs's
"Naked Lunch," "Black Skin
White Masks" by Frantz Fanon,
anything Gertrude Stein.
Step 4b: If caught in a discussion
about music, never admit your
personal tastes first.
Step 5: If you must talk to other
people, here are conversation
starters:
"My interests? Mozart, James
Joyce, sodomy."'
"It made a lot more sense after
I read 'The Decameron' for the
second time - there's just so
much missing in the English
translation."
"But I also think Phil Collins
works best within the confines
of the group than as a solo artist,
and I stress the word artist. This
is 'Sussudio,' a great, great song, a
personal favorite."'
Step 6: Wait for it. Don't pick
up girls/guys. They will come to
you.
Step 7: Learn to appreciate sat-
ire. Congratulations - you are
now bored and superior.
1. Bastardization of a Woody
Allen line, "Annie Hall" (1977). 2.
Quotation from "American Psycho"
(1991), by Bret Easton Ellis.
(This article originally ran
on Oct. 5, 2006.)
PHOTOSBY PETERSCHOTTENFELSandEUGENEROBERTSON/Dail
This article originally Nothing says cool like a pack of cigarettes and a novel no one has ever heard of.
ran on Nov. 2, 2006. Look at you, sticking out already.
Do IT BY THE
BOOK
How TO HAVE SEX IN THE GRAD
By THE DAILY ARTS STAFF
All night long: Staying
up when it counts
By now, you've heard all the
conventional rites of passage
at the University. Don't step
on the "M" until you've taken your
first blue book exam. Walk through
the fountain during orientation. Get
onto the roof of a University build-
ing sometime in your undergradu-
ate career. Have sex in the Harlan
Hatcher Graduate Library's stacks
before graduating.
Getting busy in the silent shelves
of one of the University's largest col-
lections is a must for the more dar-
ing lovers of Michigan's undergrads.
After all, Trojan just ranked us the
third safest school in the nation
when it comes to education regard-
ing sexual health. We might as well
celebrate, and everyone knows that
the best way to spice up your love life
is to shake things up. All it takes is a
little guidance (and real-life cojones)
to make it easier for you to have your
"O." Right between the "N" and "P."
Trust us. We've done it.
too much fuss. Boxers are a must.
There's no room for tighty-whiteys
- literally. Same-sex couples and
groups can adapt these techniques to
fit their own requirements.
A few other things will also make
your love session lessviewer-friendly
- a newspaper or something simi-
lar to tape over the small window in
the door of each carrel. And to carry
your paraphernalia? Backpacks are
a good idea. It's a university, people,
and you'll look less suspicious if you
give off the appearance of using the
library for, say, studying.
Step 3: Choose your location.
There are several floors of stacks
in the library that offer dozens of
private-study carrels - exactly what
you want for your bibliophilic adven-
ture. Stay away from carrels with
large windows facing other build-
ings, where the cubicle caddies might
easily get an eyeful. Cruise the floors
before you settle down. What you're
looking for is as much solitude as pos-
By KIMBERLY CHOU
and BERNIE NGUYEN
Daily Arts Editors
It's October. Smells like Hal-
loween parties, turning leaves
and - wait, wait - midterm
exams. Fuck. If you've been
sleepwalking through classes
like we all have, you'll probably
need to pull an all-nighter in the
next week or so - that is, if you
haven't already.
If you have less than three
hours (a complete REM cycle) to
spend sleeping, it's better just to
stay awake. Your system might
continue running on adrenaline
rather than submitting to the
sluggish lethargy that often fol-
lows an unsatisfying rest, bad
sexual episode, etc.
We've all done it. But do it
right, and it works. You just have
to get used to seeing yourself in
the mirror looking perpetually
surprised.
Steps can be alternated as
desired. We like to repeat step
three, specifically the last sug-
gestion until ah oh whothefuck-
cares soo.o tired ZZzzzz fdlfa
NEED MOR PILLS dinmmyg god
122$&;. we can't Type*%& anhy-
more bhahll$&%)(999 ...
Step 1. Location is key. Sure,
you can start out at home or at a
cafe, but don't expect to get much
work done when the nearness of
televised MLB playoffs and hoo-
kah smoke are available tempta-
tions. Same thing goes for pillows.
Stay away from the pillows.
Step 2. Form a plan of attack.
Don't try to consume every-
thing at once in a schizophrenic
burst. Make a schedule and stick
to it, so that you know what you
need to do when time starts to
blur together. Trying to absorb
everything will just result in zero
retention. Start with the basics
and make sure to review them as
the night progresses. Also, osmo-
sis doesn't work, so napping on
your books will only result in an
imprint of Bruce Bueno de Mes-
quita's "International Politics"
across your forehead.
Step 3. Pop the caffeine pills.
TakeVivarinorNo-Doz as direct-
ed - neither product crushes
well, and anticipation of their
effects will only distract you.
But if you're going to be caffein-
ated, make sure to use wisdom as
to when you choose your coffee
fix. Too close to morning and the
comedown is going to be a real
bitch. Prescription aid is at your
discretion, as is anything harder
than that - though dabbling with
yay will bring you a little closer to
Michigan grad students, we hear.
Step 4. Eat something at reg-
ular intervals throughout the
night. Studies show that eating
an apple will give you the same
energy as a cup of coffee. Alter-
nate between the two, and avoid
grease, unless you like the taste
of Pepto-Bismol. Warm water
and heavy, simple carbohydrates
will make you sleepy. No turkey
sandwiches on this menu.
Step 5. Take breaks to relax.
Read a magazine article. Take a
shower, and turn the water to cold
in the last minute to close your
pores and seriously shock your
system into consciousness. Have
sex. We hear those endorphins
will keep you happy and make it
easier to re-focus. Not that we've
tried it or anything.
Step 6. If you absolutely can-
not keep your eyes open, set the
alarm onyour phone and take 20-
minute naps. Twenty minutes is
enough for a bit of regeneration,
but not enough that you'll fall
into a dead sleep. And don't hit
that snooze button. If it's a reflex,
fight it. Fight it.
Step 7. Wake the hell up. Don't
stay up all night just to miss the
exam because you fell asleep at
your desk.
4
Step 1: Pick your time. sible, so the fewer
This step is critical to a) help you ter, unless you'rea
find an empty carrel and b) keep from which case, by al
getting caught. Avoid the library at definitely want to
all costs during midterms and finals. who wander the st
Not only are hundreds of people reshelving books.
studying right on top of each other them with what ti
while theynurse their stress-induced
colds, it's also a lot harder to get in Step 4: Prepar
the groove when people are shushing There are jus
you over the tops of the carrels. Com- keep in mind befo
ing is hard when you're being asked that newspapery
to leave. tape over the win
Step 2: Gather your equipment. Arrange the chai
This varies from couple to couple, you will want to
although we don't recommend any- study areas are t(
thing that makes noise over a few out) and adjust
decibels (i.e. whips, chains, sex toys). maximum effect.
What's required are a few key pieces
of clothing. For girls, skirts are pretty Step 5: Prepar
much de rigueur - slip the panties Guys, get the c
down, spread the knees, you're all to control your b
set. Also, skirts provide an excellent your kisses soft -
contingency excuse in the absolute heard for miles. F
worst-case, highly-unlikely possi-
bility that someone walks in. For all Step 6: Fuck.
they know, you're just sitting on his-
lap. As for the boys, roomy attire will Thi
help you get where you want without
r students, the bet-
an exhibitionist. (In
1 means) You also
avoid the librarians
tacks every so often
No need to tempt
hey aren't getting.
re your love nest.
t a few things to
re you get to it. Use
you've packed, and
dow so it's opaque.
r accordingly (and
use the chair; the
oo small to stretch
your clothing for
'e yourself.
ondom. Remember
reathing, and keep
that smack can be
oreplay.
s article originally ran
on Sept. 21, 2006.
4
I
STEVEN TA/Daily
This article originally TOP: An all-nighter's worth of supplies.
ran on Oct. 12, 2006. BOTTOM: Something you probably should have looked at already.