u '- = . A k ' The Michigan Daily E I COOLER THAN THOU How TO ACT BORED AND SUPERIOR AT A PARTY BY KIMBERLY CHOU I Associate Arts Editor Working the walk of shame. By KIMBERLY CHOU and ANDREW SARGUS KLEIN DailyArts Editors The digital clock on the bedside table is blinking red as the alarm clock clicks into a MIDI version of Chris Brown's "Move That Booty." Cali III textbook and papers strewn across the floor, half a fifth of Tri- ple Distilled perched on a stack of records, a pair of familiar pants wedged in the gap between the bed and wall. Outside the window, the air is slate-gray and damp, the lawn already littered with red Solo cups from early-morning tailgaters. Sleep slowly seeps from your eyes as you take stock of the situa- tion: Where am I? Did I have sex last night? Was it good? Would I care? There are many ways you could have gotten into this situation - a long week, too little clothing, too much tequila, a combination of the above. The followingis alaundrylist of potential scenarios and combina- tions thereof. a) "Oh my God, where are my panties?" The one-night stand So maybe you didn't sleep with him. But you still slept over, and now walking through the Diag in your barn-dance outfit proves much more daunting than the 3 a.m. stumble to his Packard Street house last night. Wash your face. The raccoon look is a dead giveaway that you've been out. And probably being a slooty-sloot. Find your clothes. Sometimes this is a problem. To avoid unseemly glares by passers-by, make sure what you're wearing on bottom matches your shoes. It doesn't mat- ter if you're wearing a miniskirt and stiletto pumps in line at Espresso Royale when everyone else is trying to make it to lecture on time - what looks worse is if you're wearing bor- rowed lacrosse shorts and fuck-me boots. Don't look guilty. Maybe you're just dressed up for an interview ... at DajkVu. Or the GSI is offering extra credit to anyone who comes in cos- tume to your anthro discussion. Work in your work out. One of the most widely circulated sto- ries on collegehumor.com - there's even a Facebook.com tribute - is a piece titled "Avoiding the Walk of Shame." Hunter College's Jake Hur- witz advises you to "pretend you're jogging" or "ride a bike" (given that you have one conveniently stored somewhere). This works especially well if you're wearing, say, spandex from an'80s-themed party. b) "Just give me five minutes, Imfine." Inability to exit the party without falling asleep or vomiting The music is churning in your soul - along with that burrito. And when the soul-purging moment arrives, you're just in front of the toilet. Which could also be your bed for the night. What to do? If they see you. If you're friends with the people who live in the house, laugh about it together and shake it off, understanding that Facebook pictures and unwanted body ink are the norm. If you're not, find the front door immediately. Be courteous: Make the bed if you were put in one, make sure there aren't any mysterious stains, etc. If you're feeling especial- ly altruistic, clean that shit up. Consequences. You're probably hungover. The best solution is not to drink more, or take Tylenol, actual- ly. Personally we're big fans of Gato- rade, but greater sources (Google, about.com) recommend this bever- age: The No-Alcohol Hangover Mix one part olive oil, one raw egg yolk, salt and pepper, one-two table- spoons of tomato ketchup, a dash of Tabasco and worcestershire sauce and some lemon juice (or vinegar). Mmm. Eggs are actually great after any night where you've been actively destroying your liver and lungs. The amino acid N-acetyl-cysteine works to rid your body of toxins. Stay away from coffee or soda; like alcohol, they're also diuret- ics and will simply make you more dehydrated. Drink a lot of water. Pee. Skip lecture, maybe. c) "I was at the UGLi, I swear!" Falling asleep duringfinals week and how to make it not look like either a) or b) happened as you're walking home Relax. We all work hard, we all play hard. Sometimes, the two con- fuse each other. Sometimes your alarm clock is aburly Fishbowl cus- todian named Jeff, inquiring as to ALEX DZIADOSZ/Daly your health. Shake it off - it happens. Check yourself. Did you get any work done? (Hey, at least you were in the right place.) Realize that you can only live to fight another day, gather your belongings and allow Jeff to escort you from the building. d) "Who the fuck wrote on me?" The timeless prank of drunken tattooing Worst-case scenario. So you're already an hour late to your dentist appointment. After scrubbing the phalli off your forearms and cheeks, you gamely tell the receptionist your tardiness was a result of sick- ness and reschedule for later that day. Upon returning home, you real- ize several elaborate renderings of genitalia were left unchecked on the back of your neck, plainly visible for anyone to see - especially when you turned and walked away from said receptionist. You are a dick. Almost literally. Your bluff is exposed as the shallow lie it is. Best-case scenario. It's a) non- permanent marker, b) riddled with typos, c) ... who are you kidding? You look like a dick. Still. Almost literally. Nothing is permanent. Per- manent marker can be removed in several ways. Actually, only one: bathing. We know dorm showers aren't spectacular, but neither is "BALLS" written on your forehead. nless it's your first year here - actually, espe- cially if it is - you should know this: Parties are overrated. Whether dealing with keggers at musty, beer-soused fraternities, claustrophobic house parties or awkward apartment get-togeth- ers, don't dare act as if you're enjoying yourself. Acting bored and superior isn't just the new cool - it always has been. If you're not already light- ing up a Gauloise and muttering about absurdist theater and the evolution of jazz, here's neces- sary help. So maybe you don't know Samuel Beckett from Sid- ney Bechet - you can pretend. Step 1: Isolate yourself. Nothing says distant and aloof like being physically distant and aloof. Choose your space wisely: At a party, a dark corner or back porch will suffice. Too many Midwest- ern sorority girls will be smoking in the front. | Step 2: Wear dark clothing, preferably something black or form-fitting. Resembling a Beat Generation writer/Stephen Mal- kmus amalgam creates an ade- quate level of pretension. Stark, rectangular-rimmed glasses and slip-on shoes are permissible accessories. Step 3: Smoke cigarettes, lots of | cigarettes - specifically brands that utilize timeless marketing aesthetics. The better the box, the better you look. Lucky Strikes are the obvious choice; Gauloise comes in second, pushing ahead of the rest of the pack because they are French. Step 4a: With the privileged few you allow into your elite circle, discuss modernist and post-colonialist literature, or, at the very least, suggest that you do. Be seen with select volumes in your back pocket or messen- ger bag. Try W.S. Burroughs's "Naked Lunch," "Black Skin White Masks" by Frantz Fanon, anything Gertrude Stein. Step 4b: If caught in a discussion about music, never admit your personal tastes first. Step 5: If you must talk to other people, here are conversation starters: "My interests? Mozart, James Joyce, sodomy."' "It made a lot more sense after I read 'The Decameron' for the second time - there's just so much missing in the English translation." "But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group than as a solo artist, and I stress the word artist. This is 'Sussudio,' a great, great song, a personal favorite."' Step 6: Wait for it. Don't pick up girls/guys. They will come to you. Step 7: Learn to appreciate sat- ire. Congratulations - you are now bored and superior. 1. Bastardization of a Woody Allen line, "Annie Hall" (1977). 2. Quotation from "American Psycho" (1991), by Bret Easton Ellis. (This article originally ran on Oct. 5, 2006.) PHOTOSBY PETERSCHOTTENFELSandEUGENEROBERTSON/Dail This article originally Nothing says cool like a pack of cigarettes and a novel no one has ever heard of. ran on Nov. 2, 2006. Look at you, sticking out already. Do IT BY THE BOOK How TO HAVE SEX IN THE GRAD By THE DAILY ARTS STAFF All night long: Staying up when it counts By now, you've heard all the conventional rites of passage at the University. Don't step on the "M" until you've taken your first blue book exam. Walk through the fountain during orientation. Get onto the roof of a University build- ing sometime in your undergradu- ate career. Have sex in the Harlan Hatcher Graduate Library's stacks before graduating. Getting busy in the silent shelves of one of the University's largest col- lections is a must for the more dar- ing lovers of Michigan's undergrads. After all, Trojan just ranked us the third safest school in the nation when it comes to education regard- ing sexual health. We might as well celebrate, and everyone knows that the best way to spice up your love life is to shake things up. All it takes is a little guidance (and real-life cojones) to make it easier for you to have your "O." Right between the "N" and "P." Trust us. We've done it. too much fuss. Boxers are a must. There's no room for tighty-whiteys - literally. Same-sex couples and groups can adapt these techniques to fit their own requirements. A few other things will also make your love session lessviewer-friendly - a newspaper or something simi- lar to tape over the small window in the door of each carrel. And to carry your paraphernalia? Backpacks are a good idea. It's a university, people, and you'll look less suspicious if you give off the appearance of using the library for, say, studying. Step 3: Choose your location. There are several floors of stacks in the library that offer dozens of private-study carrels - exactly what you want for your bibliophilic adven- ture. Stay away from carrels with large windows facing other build- ings, where the cubicle caddies might easily get an eyeful. Cruise the floors before you settle down. What you're looking for is as much solitude as pos- By KIMBERLY CHOU and BERNIE NGUYEN Daily Arts Editors It's October. Smells like Hal- loween parties, turning leaves and - wait, wait - midterm exams. Fuck. If you've been sleepwalking through classes like we all have, you'll probably need to pull an all-nighter in the next week or so - that is, if you haven't already. If you have less than three hours (a complete REM cycle) to spend sleeping, it's better just to stay awake. Your system might continue running on adrenaline rather than submitting to the sluggish lethargy that often fol- lows an unsatisfying rest, bad sexual episode, etc. We've all done it. But do it right, and it works. You just have to get used to seeing yourself in the mirror looking perpetually surprised. Steps can be alternated as desired. We like to repeat step three, specifically the last sug- gestion until ah oh whothefuck- cares soo.o tired ZZzzzz fdlfa NEED MOR PILLS dinmmyg god 122$&;. we can't Type*%& anhy- more bhahll$&%)(999 ... Step 1. Location is key. Sure, you can start out at home or at a cafe, but don't expect to get much work done when the nearness of televised MLB playoffs and hoo- kah smoke are available tempta- tions. Same thing goes for pillows. Stay away from the pillows. Step 2. Form a plan of attack. Don't try to consume every- thing at once in a schizophrenic burst. Make a schedule and stick to it, so that you know what you need to do when time starts to blur together. Trying to absorb everything will just result in zero retention. Start with the basics and make sure to review them as the night progresses. Also, osmo- sis doesn't work, so napping on your books will only result in an imprint of Bruce Bueno de Mes- quita's "International Politics" across your forehead. Step 3. Pop the caffeine pills. TakeVivarinorNo-Doz as direct- ed - neither product crushes well, and anticipation of their effects will only distract you. But if you're going to be caffein- ated, make sure to use wisdom as to when you choose your coffee fix. Too close to morning and the comedown is going to be a real bitch. Prescription aid is at your discretion, as is anything harder than that - though dabbling with yay will bring you a little closer to Michigan grad students, we hear. Step 4. Eat something at reg- ular intervals throughout the night. Studies show that eating an apple will give you the same energy as a cup of coffee. Alter- nate between the two, and avoid grease, unless you like the taste of Pepto-Bismol. Warm water and heavy, simple carbohydrates will make you sleepy. No turkey sandwiches on this menu. Step 5. Take breaks to relax. Read a magazine article. Take a shower, and turn the water to cold in the last minute to close your pores and seriously shock your system into consciousness. Have sex. We hear those endorphins will keep you happy and make it easier to re-focus. Not that we've tried it or anything. Step 6. If you absolutely can- not keep your eyes open, set the alarm onyour phone and take 20- minute naps. Twenty minutes is enough for a bit of regeneration, but not enough that you'll fall into a dead sleep. And don't hit that snooze button. If it's a reflex, fight it. Fight it. Step 7. Wake the hell up. Don't stay up all night just to miss the exam because you fell asleep at your desk. 4 Step 1: Pick your time. sible, so the fewer This step is critical to a) help you ter, unless you'rea find an empty carrel and b) keep from which case, by al getting caught. Avoid the library at definitely want to all costs during midterms and finals. who wander the st Not only are hundreds of people reshelving books. studying right on top of each other them with what ti while theynurse their stress-induced colds, it's also a lot harder to get in Step 4: Prepar the groove when people are shushing There are jus you over the tops of the carrels. Com- keep in mind befo ing is hard when you're being asked that newspapery to leave. tape over the win Step 2: Gather your equipment. Arrange the chai This varies from couple to couple, you will want to although we don't recommend any- study areas are t( thing that makes noise over a few out) and adjust decibels (i.e. whips, chains, sex toys). maximum effect. What's required are a few key pieces of clothing. For girls, skirts are pretty Step 5: Prepar much de rigueur - slip the panties Guys, get the c down, spread the knees, you're all to control your b set. Also, skirts provide an excellent your kisses soft - contingency excuse in the absolute heard for miles. F worst-case, highly-unlikely possi- bility that someone walks in. For all Step 6: Fuck. they know, you're just sitting on his- lap. As for the boys, roomy attire will Thi help you get where you want without r students, the bet- an exhibitionist. (In 1 means) You also avoid the librarians tacks every so often No need to tempt hey aren't getting. re your love nest. t a few things to re you get to it. Use you've packed, and dow so it's opaque. r accordingly (and use the chair; the oo small to stretch your clothing for 'e yourself. ondom. Remember reathing, and keep that smack can be oreplay. s article originally ran on Sept. 21, 2006. 4 I STEVEN TA/Daily This article originally TOP: An all-nighter's worth of supplies. ran on Oct. 12, 2006. BOTTOM: Something you probably should have looked at already.