6 FEBRUARY 2007
' the ONION
LOCAL
Few Of The Offended Guests Were Prepared Loving Gestures 'Completely Unnecessary'
STROKIN' from page 1
Immediately following the "Strokin"'
debacle, Doblewicz attempted to win
back offended guests with Buster Poin-
dexter's "Hot, Hot, Hot." He managed to
generate a conga line with the whole-
some, crowd-pleasing 1987 hit, but the
damage had been done.
"How could [Doblewicz] have possi-
bly thought that awful 'Strokin" song
was appropriate for a wedding?" asked
Almond, mid-conga. "He was
COVER deliberately pandering to
STORY the lowest common denomi-
nator at this party."
Despite the uproar, Doblewicz was
not without his supporters. As "Strok-
in'" played, several key members of the
wedding party, including best man Chad
Wilens and brother of the groom Jordan
Schuller, began lowering themselves to
the floor, limbo-style. Bridesmaid Tina
SElson then lifted up the bottom of her
teal taffeta gown and, with Schuller
leaning back on his knees, straddled his
torso and danced for several seconds Bride1
directly over him. many
Few of the offended guests could havet
anticipated the provocative song from Doble-
wicz, who started out the evening with such
popular romantic ballads as "Because You
Loved Me" by Celine Dion and "Wonderful To-
night" by Eric Clapton. After the appetizer
buffet was served, Doblewicz began to pick
up the tempo with such participatory favor-
ites as "Macarena," "Chicken Dance," and
"Electric Slide"-a tactic wedding DJs call
"filling the floor." Then, to keep guests danc-
ing, Doblewicz transitioned into a string of up-
tempo, feel-good hits, including The B-52s'
aax
I
Denise Schuler and grandmother Loretta Munns, one of the
wedding guests whose lovely evening was nearly spoiled by
laying at "Stmokin'."
"Love Shack," Wild Cherry's "Play That Funky
Music," and Kool & The Gang's "Celebration."
It was during this stretch that Doblewicz
made the fateful decision to play "Strokin'."
"The truth is, I thought the crowd could
handle it," said Doblewicz, who veered sharp-
ly from his planned playlist following the
"Strokin"' incident, shelving such potentially
controversial fare as AC/DC's "You Shook Me
All Night Long" and Billy Idol's "Mony Mony."
"But they couldn't, so it was back to 'Boot
Scootin' Boogie.' Oh, well." t4
NATION from page 1
and insufferably coytlittle kisses, were "fucking
ridiculous." An overwhelming eight out of 10
polled said they wished the couple would die,
preferably ina fiery automobile accident.
"If I have to see [Petrun] fiddle with [DeSim-
one's] fingers as they stroll around window
shopping, without a care in the world, I swear
to God I'm going to punch something," said Sa-
vannah, GA resident Sam Weber, whose reac-
tion has been echoed by a broad cross-section
of Americans apparently weary of
COVER the couple's brazen public dis-
STORY plays. "These two need to face re-
ality, and stop living in this disgust-
ing fantasy world of theirs."
Though their initial May 30 joint outing went
largely unnoticed, public opinion toward the
couple dramatically shifted after is was re-
vealed that DeSimone spooned frozen yogurt
into Petrun's mouth during their second date
three days later.
By the second week of June, their approval
rating dropped below 40 percent in most nation-
al polls, after Petrun and DeSimone were spot-
ted wedging their hands into each other's back
pockets as they walked through an Oak Park
neighborhood. By July, the rating plummeted
even further after DeSimone asked Petrun which
of her physical attributes he found cutest, and
Petrun responded with a detailed list.
"Who are they kidding?" said Rebecca Hill-
ard, a single mother of two in Anchorage, AK.
"Once this little honeymoon is over, he's going
to cheat on her with an ex-girlfriend and she'll
come running to the American people to pick
up the pieces. It's so obvious it's stupid."
According to a Sept. 25 Zogby poll, 36 percent
of Americans grimaced when Petrun playfully
nudged DeSimone for no evident reason last
Thursday, and 45 percent emitted a loud, an-
noyed sigh after Petrun sent flowers to DeSim-
one'sworkplace last Tuesday. One in three Amer-
icans characterized the way Petrun touched the
small of DeSimone's back as he led her into the
backseat of an awaiting taxi on the evening of
Sept. 19 as "completely unnecessary:"
"The girl knows how to get into a cab with-
out help," said Adam Burkheimer, a Shreve-
S
port, LA resident and recent divorce. "I don't
get all the constant pawing."
On Wednesday, support lines across the
country were flooded with calls complaining of
moderate or intense nausea after DeSimone re-
fused, and then eventually accepted, Petrun's
hooded sweatshirt during an evening walk.
Online anti-canoodling blogs, such as the
popular davejuliebarf.typepad.com, are buzz-
ing with rumors that Petrun and DeSimone
broke into a brief, spontaneous slow dance
near a Lake Street fountain on Sept. 20.
"Apparently the pussywhipped douchebag
smiles when he sees her name on caller ID,
too," blogger Jessie Fox said. "If they love
each other so goddamn much, why don't they
just get married and live happily ever fucking
after?"
In recent weeks, elected officials in Nevada,
South Dakota, and Virginia passed largely
symbolic "Get A Room" ordinances designedg
to encourage Petrun and DeSimone to make
their affectionate displays more private. Con-
versely, Ococee, FL banned Petrun and DeSim-
one from getting a room within its city limits.
While Petrun and DeSimone's behavior does
not qualify as a nuisance under any current
statutes, the Chicago and San Francisco city
councils unanimously passed a joint procla
mation encouraging the pair to tone it down.
Read the proclamation in part: "Whereas
Dave and Julie are embarking on their first se-
rious relationship, and whereas the odds of it
lasting are slim to none, and whereas their
ability to make seamless conversation, to in-
stinctively know what the other is thinking,
and to relate the story of how the two met
when they were randomly seated next to one
another on airplane has made nearly 300 mil-
lion people want to gag, therefore, our cities
hereby strongly urge Dave and Julie to really
consider breaking up immediately."
Unavailable for comment, Petrun and DeSim-
one are reportedly making plans to go back-
packing across Europe during their six-month
anniversary in November, prompting fears
that their demonstrativeness could escalate
international tensions. t
Americars Finest News Podcast
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A 14year old Doyle Redland began woaking at
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Evening news, heareturned in 1974 to the Onion
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with two black Labs, Freedom and Liberty.
Cause Of Accident Subject Of Debates
HAMSTER from page 1
many blame the toy's manufacturer, Playcorp
Unlimited, for making a substandard product,
others say the monster truck's operators are
at fault. Angry at the operators, an unnamed
Bourke parent is pressing for a strict ban on
the use of family pets in play activ-
COVER ities, with a penalty of three days
STORY without PlayStation for those
found guilty.
Playcorp spokesperson Paul Ionesco ex-
pressed "deep dismay" over the crash.
"This is a flagrant and obvious misuse of our
product," Ionesco said. "No Playcorp product
is intended for the transportation of live car-
go, no matter how cute and humorous the
spectacle of a little hamster driving along in
his little truck may be."
Monday's crash marks the fourth time that
Harry, 1, has found himself involved in danger4
ous play. In October 2000, Harry was placed on
the back of family dog Raggles, who ran
through several rooms within the house be-
fore being stopped by mother Lorraine Bourke.
On Feb. 20, he was strapped to an army-man
parachute and dropped from a second-story
window. Three days later, the hamster was
placed inside his glow-in-the-dark run-about
ball and pushed down a flight of stairs. Both
acts occurred with no parents in the vicinity
and were never brought to trial. 0
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