6 FEBRUARY 2007 ' the ONION LOCAL Few Of The Offended Guests Were Prepared Loving Gestures 'Completely Unnecessary' STROKIN' from page 1 Immediately following the "Strokin"' debacle, Doblewicz attempted to win back offended guests with Buster Poin- dexter's "Hot, Hot, Hot." He managed to generate a conga line with the whole- some, crowd-pleasing 1987 hit, but the damage had been done. "How could [Doblewicz] have possi- bly thought that awful 'Strokin" song was appropriate for a wedding?" asked Almond, mid-conga. "He was COVER deliberately pandering to STORY the lowest common denomi- nator at this party." Despite the uproar, Doblewicz was not without his supporters. As "Strok- in'" played, several key members of the wedding party, including best man Chad Wilens and brother of the groom Jordan Schuller, began lowering themselves to the floor, limbo-style. Bridesmaid Tina SElson then lifted up the bottom of her teal taffeta gown and, with Schuller leaning back on his knees, straddled his torso and danced for several seconds Bride1 directly over him. many Few of the offended guests could havet anticipated the provocative song from Doble- wicz, who started out the evening with such popular romantic ballads as "Because You Loved Me" by Celine Dion and "Wonderful To- night" by Eric Clapton. After the appetizer buffet was served, Doblewicz began to pick up the tempo with such participatory favor- ites as "Macarena," "Chicken Dance," and "Electric Slide"-a tactic wedding DJs call "filling the floor." Then, to keep guests danc- ing, Doblewicz transitioned into a string of up- tempo, feel-good hits, including The B-52s' aax I Denise Schuler and grandmother Loretta Munns, one of the wedding guests whose lovely evening was nearly spoiled by laying at "Stmokin'." "Love Shack," Wild Cherry's "Play That Funky Music," and Kool & The Gang's "Celebration." It was during this stretch that Doblewicz made the fateful decision to play "Strokin'." "The truth is, I thought the crowd could handle it," said Doblewicz, who veered sharp- ly from his planned playlist following the "Strokin"' incident, shelving such potentially controversial fare as AC/DC's "You Shook Me All Night Long" and Billy Idol's "Mony Mony." "But they couldn't, so it was back to 'Boot Scootin' Boogie.' Oh, well." t4 NATION from page 1 and insufferably coytlittle kisses, were "fucking ridiculous." An overwhelming eight out of 10 polled said they wished the couple would die, preferably ina fiery automobile accident. "If I have to see [Petrun] fiddle with [DeSim- one's] fingers as they stroll around window shopping, without a care in the world, I swear to God I'm going to punch something," said Sa- vannah, GA resident Sam Weber, whose reac- tion has been echoed by a broad cross-section of Americans apparently weary of COVER the couple's brazen public dis- STORY plays. "These two need to face re- ality, and stop living in this disgust- ing fantasy world of theirs." Though their initial May 30 joint outing went largely unnoticed, public opinion toward the couple dramatically shifted after is was re- vealed that DeSimone spooned frozen yogurt into Petrun's mouth during their second date three days later. By the second week of June, their approval rating dropped below 40 percent in most nation- al polls, after Petrun and DeSimone were spot- ted wedging their hands into each other's back pockets as they walked through an Oak Park neighborhood. By July, the rating plummeted even further after DeSimone asked Petrun which of her physical attributes he found cutest, and Petrun responded with a detailed list. "Who are they kidding?" said Rebecca Hill- ard, a single mother of two in Anchorage, AK. "Once this little honeymoon is over, he's going to cheat on her with an ex-girlfriend and she'll come running to the American people to pick up the pieces. It's so obvious it's stupid." According to a Sept. 25 Zogby poll, 36 percent of Americans grimaced when Petrun playfully nudged DeSimone for no evident reason last Thursday, and 45 percent emitted a loud, an- noyed sigh after Petrun sent flowers to DeSim- one'sworkplace last Tuesday. One in three Amer- icans characterized the way Petrun touched the small of DeSimone's back as he led her into the backseat of an awaiting taxi on the evening of Sept. 19 as "completely unnecessary:" "The girl knows how to get into a cab with- out help," said Adam Burkheimer, a Shreve- S port, LA resident and recent divorce. "I don't get all the constant pawing." On Wednesday, support lines across the country were flooded with calls complaining of moderate or intense nausea after DeSimone re- fused, and then eventually accepted, Petrun's hooded sweatshirt during an evening walk. Online anti-canoodling blogs, such as the popular davejuliebarf.typepad.com, are buzz- ing with rumors that Petrun and DeSimone broke into a brief, spontaneous slow dance near a Lake Street fountain on Sept. 20. "Apparently the pussywhipped douchebag smiles when he sees her name on caller ID, too," blogger Jessie Fox said. "If they love each other so goddamn much, why don't they just get married and live happily ever fucking after?" In recent weeks, elected officials in Nevada, South Dakota, and Virginia passed largely symbolic "Get A Room" ordinances designedg to encourage Petrun and DeSimone to make their affectionate displays more private. Con- versely, Ococee, FL banned Petrun and DeSim- one from getting a room within its city limits. While Petrun and DeSimone's behavior does not qualify as a nuisance under any current statutes, the Chicago and San Francisco city councils unanimously passed a joint procla mation encouraging the pair to tone it down. Read the proclamation in part: "Whereas Dave and Julie are embarking on their first se- rious relationship, and whereas the odds of it lasting are slim to none, and whereas their ability to make seamless conversation, to in- stinctively know what the other is thinking, and to relate the story of how the two met when they were randomly seated next to one another on airplane has made nearly 300 mil- lion people want to gag, therefore, our cities hereby strongly urge Dave and Julie to really consider breaking up immediately." Unavailable for comment, Petrun and DeSim- one are reportedly making plans to go back- packing across Europe during their six-month anniversary in November, prompting fears that their demonstrativeness could escalate international tensions. t Americars Finest News Podcast Listen daily at onion.com Doyle Redland, Lead Anchor A 14year old Doyle Redland began woaking at the Onion Radio News Office as an office page in 1963. After leaving to receive a BA. in Broadcast Journalism from the University of Wisconsin-OshkoshandashortlivedjobatcBS Evening news, heareturned in 1974 to the Onion Radio News to become an anchor, where he has remained. Redland is fluent in two languages, enjoys cooking, and is an avid croscountry skier. He shares a home in Racine, Wisconsin with two black Labs, Freedom and Liberty. Cause Of Accident Subject Of Debates HAMSTER from page 1 many blame the toy's manufacturer, Playcorp Unlimited, for making a substandard product, others say the monster truck's operators are at fault. Angry at the operators, an unnamed Bourke parent is pressing for a strict ban on the use of family pets in play activ- COVER ities, with a penalty of three days STORY without PlayStation for those found guilty. Playcorp spokesperson Paul Ionesco ex- pressed "deep dismay" over the crash. "This is a flagrant and obvious misuse of our product," Ionesco said. "No Playcorp product is intended for the transportation of live car- go, no matter how cute and humorous the spectacle of a little hamster driving along in his little truck may be." Monday's crash marks the fourth time that Harry, 1, has found himself involved in danger4 ous play. In October 2000, Harry was placed on the back of family dog Raggles, who ran through several rooms within the house be- fore being stopped by mother Lorraine Bourke. On Feb. 20, he was strapped to an army-man parachute and dropped from a second-story window. Three days later, the hamster was placed inside his glow-in-the-dark run-about ball and pushed down a flight of stairs. Both acts occurred with no parents in the vicinity and were never brought to trial. 0 Not Sure What Page You're On? Jnst chtck the fop cutter nf thin page In find nut. Page Numhers. Only it the ONION II 4