The Michigan Daily - michigandaily.com
Tuesday, February 13, 2007 - 5
Blondes don't All
have more fun gown uv
I'mnotsure how much Ibelieve pre-
in karma, but I do know some ing
people in the celebrity world eno
have been getting more than their her.,
fair share of comeuppance this Sp
week. anot
For what may be the first time in facti
my lifetime, the infamous practice cize.
of using one's, um, private tapes com
to achieve fame may have back- lie
fired. Random socialite Kim Kar- at a
dashian, known mostly
as a Paris Hilton pal,
is threatening to sue
over the release of an
apparent sex tape. No
wonder, since it report-_
edly. involves her get-
ting "showered" on at
the end. Even worse,
her co-star is Ray J,
brother of singer Bran- BERNIE
dy. No one wants to see
that. Hopefully, instead NGUYEN
of turning into Hilton's
protege, Ms. Kardashian will sim- in h
ply get saggy, wrinkled and disap- prov
pear into the night. May
It seems no one can write a But
column anymore without men- "Yos
tioning that Queen of Class, Brit- up,"
ney Spears herself. Poor Britney
is getting her fill of it this week,
with some frightening pictures of
her underwear getting snapped
by a stranger at a club now float-
ing all over the Web. Not to men-
tion her ex-boyfriend, some guy a
named Justin Timberlake, just
released the music video for his
newest single "What Goes Around
Comes Around," starring a differ- to g
ent smoking hot blonde - Scarlett rock
Johansson. No significance in the scor
title, of course. Jess
To heap even more coals on the the
fire, Britney's latest ex, model- New
someone-or-other Isaac Cohen, O
spilled the beans to News of the rity
World about his "relationship" on 1
with the pop star. Those beans riou
include graphic details about her
Britney's bad habits, nympho-like fren
sex cravings and a simperingly com
charitable insight into her general roe
downward spiral. Among the juicy Ann
details? That Britney keeps her any
wedding dress framed on her bed- exce
room wall - and left it up when he This
spent the night at her place. As if turn
that weren't bad enough, Justin expl
and K-Fed (with the way things net
have been going, it seems fruit- R
less to call him Fed-ex) gave each cert
other a friendly hug at a Grammy in li
party. Even her exes are band- k-7
up against her. It's almost
ugh to make you feel bad for
Almost.
peaking of the Grammys,
her trio got some sweet satis-
ion - the Dixie Chicks. Ostra-
d from the country-music
munity after lead singer Nata-
Maines's disparaging remarks
THE UNDERBELLY OF
MODERN SUBURBIA
By JEFFREY BLOOMER
ManagingEditor
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ert in 2003 about Presi- The titular children are immaterial in "Little
nt Bush, the Chicks have Children," everywhere and nowhere at once.
nce been the subjects of The film's episodic odys-
documentary, released a sey of modern suburbia has
w album and won all five them kin to cheating parents,*
rammy awards they were the sitting-duck targets of a Little
minated for, including released pedophile and, most
st album of the year. Not ominously, witnesses of the Children
o shabby. foolish exploits of the film's At Showcase
And even though we adults, who are not so far off
ally can't stand her over- from children themselves. Newline
flated face, tanorexic The second feature from
implexion and vapid chat- actor/director Todd Field, whose first film, "In the
r, Jessica Simpson seems Bedroom," remains the consummate American
have found a new tool masterpiece of the past decade, "Little Children"
ght with Nick Lachey to is haunted by an implacable menace that enve-
ho's better at life. John lopes the characters' lives. Set in desolate mid-
ever knew what hit him. summer, the film's main arc concerns Sarah (Kate
oe Simpson always says, Winslet), who fancies herself an "anthropologist"
n't cover those suckers studying the behavior of suburban women.
a little bit of skin is bound Inalong,amusinglynarratedopeningsequence
set in a sunny park, Sarah's dispassion with being
a mother is clear, looking on as the other women
ad week for chat about their depressing sex lives. Suddenly, a
man arrives, who the other women have chris-
tneyJessica tened "The Prom King" (Patrick Wilson, "Hard
Candy"). Someone bets Sarah $5 she can't get his
number. She does, and a kiss, setting off a chain
reaction the inevitably leads to many long after-
noons with the man and his son, and, eventually,
Mmm ... hedonists.
an affair.
The Prom King, or Brad, has a story too- he
has a gorgeous wife (Jennifer Connelly, "House of
Sand and Fog") and abeautiful son, products of a
life that has become quietly dissatisfying for him.
When his filmmaker wife sends him off to study
for the bar exam every night, he skips the library
and watches neighborhood teens skateboard at a
nearby park, seeing in them an escape, a reminder
of the possibilities he once had himself.
Meanwhile, not many streets away, a con-
victed pedophile returns to his mother's home,
the target of a "committee of concerned parents"
who are outraged he has moved so close to the
city's parks. His mother tries to set him up on a
date. "Maybe if you get a girlfriend closer to your
own age, it will help," she tells him. "I don't want
a girlfriend my own age, Mom," he replies. "I
wish I did."
These parallel stories converge in the custom-
ary fashion,butwhatreallyinterests Fieldis look-
ing at the underbelly of the idyllic streets where
his camera so fondly lingers. Often the third-per-
son narrator (like the contemplative voice-over in
Alfonso Cuaron's "Y tu mamaitambian") will sim-
ply cut away from the action and comment on the
secrets of the characters and the people around
them, which seem to be the only thing they all
share. Hollywood values suburbia as a go-to set-
ting for superficial stories about overcoming con-
formity, but Field is wisely disinterested in such
generalizations. He wants to know what's hap-
pening onthe streets, notwhat they represent.
This added fascination with the peripheries
of the characters' lives naturally leads to some
thematic discord, and it doesn't always work, but
it's also a central force in the storytelling. Brad
joins a night football league, and the bizarrely
theatrical games they play come in stark contrast
to his afternoons spent sport fucking in Sarah's
attic. The transitions can be jarring, but since
Field frames each sequence as a standalone com-
mentary on its subject, they ultimately piece into
a convincing whole and climax in unison at the
same park where the film began.
This is exquisite work, lushly envisioned and
photographed, getting at the backbone of Tom
Perrotta's novel without a ball-and-chain adher-
ence to its plot.With its willingness to explore the
characters from different angles - even Brad's
marginalizedwife gets asubplot,involvinga.child
who last his father in Iraq - the film's dense web
of metaphors has its loose ends, but it allows for
an almostliterary complexity. "Little Children" is
pure cinema, a gift to its actors and to the audi-
ence, but that's not what makes it so enthralling.
It's Field's commentary on the incidental aspects
of the characters' lives -the book clubs, the town
park, the guy who takes lunch orders at work -
that really sets the movie apart.
et you your very own weepy
er. Although in our eyes, the
e might as well be Nick: 0,
ica: -10. We still can't forgive
heinous parade that was "The
'lyweds."
f course, amid all this celeb-
chaos, Anna Nicole Smith died
hursday. Despite the "myste-
s circumstances" surrounding
death, the unbelievable media
zy, the abhorrently numerous
parisons to Marilyn Mon-
and our own loathing of "The
a Nicole Show," we don't have
thing to say about her death
pt that it's a sad, sad thing.
s week's biggest celebrity news
ed out to be a tragedy, fully
ofted by every major news
work.
est in peace, Anna Nicole. You
ainly didn't have enough of it
fe.
Eddie Murphy tanks as triple personality
By MITCHELL AKSELRAD
For the Daily
"Norbit" was directed by the
man responsible for Tim Allen's
recent "Shag-
gy Dog" *
remake - take
that asa warn- Norbit
ing. Opening A
with a sw At Qualityl6
wihaslew and Showcase
of offensive
jokes targeting Paramount
blacks, whites,
Asians and the morbidly obese,
"Norbit" only gets worse, tossing
our infant title character out of a
car and on to the doorstep of a Chi-
nese orphanage. Though Norbit is
ultimately raised by Mr. Wong, the
first character in Eddie Murphy's
thespian hat trick, he's rescued
from the clutches of some mean-
spirited punks by Murphy's second
- the young, massive Rasputia.
She's as unpleasant as she is
large, and Norbit finds himself
inexplicably tied to her for life.
Though Rasputia has no loving
sentiments for Norbit either, for
some unexplained reason she
refuses to divorce him, and even
enforces their union with the help
of her three intimating brothers.
The rest of the story vaguely
PRANKS FROM
involves something about a real-
estate scam and Norbit's long-
lost love Kate (the notably svelte
Thandie Newton, "Crash"), who
has returned to town in true
heroine fashion to both buy Nor-
bit's old orphanage and marry
a predictably chauvinist fianc6,
Deion (Cuba Gooding Jr., "Jerry
Maguire," another wasted talent).
Scheming with Rasputia's broth-
ers to buy the orphanage, Deion is
determined to marry Kate to gain
control of the real-estate, meaning
Norbit has just enough problems
to last him about an hour and 42
minutes.
The fat suit just
isn't cutting it as
comedy anymore.
Let's not kid ourselves. As beau-
tiful as Newton might be, we're
here to see Eddie Murphy "dolled
up" as a 400-pound woman, and
the makeup department delivers
a laudable effort to make Rasputia
look real. In the end, though, no
amount of putty will pad the view-
i (+ ^
The bookies say this man has 2-to-9 odds to win an Oscar. No shit.
AlE T U BlEED
Then Enter This Essay Contest!.
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er from the film's overabundance
of offensive inanity. Rasputia isn't
nearly as hateable as the movie's
writers, director and cinematog-
rapher - how many minutes can
we really watch Eddie Murphy's
Rasputia squeeze into lingerie?
You'veheard allthe fallout:How
could Eddie Murphy follow up an
AcademyAward nominated partin
"Dreamgirls" with this crap? Why
is this talented comedian subject-
ing us to the same jokes based on
vulgarity and scatology?
The sad part is there are some
wasted funny moments in this
parade of tastelessness, including
a handicapped talking dog and
Eddie Griffin ("Undercover Broth-
er") as a hip pimp named Pope
Sweet Jesus.
Even these attempts at wit end
up cliched gags, however, produc-
ing eyerolls rather than laughs.
Murphy's certified talents as a
shape-shifter ("The Nutty Profes-
sor") are wasted when the shape
he takes just sucks.
CR IT"ai
UNON
Please submit all essays by email to
curtse@umich.edu by Febuary 27, 2007
< Wux
ULttL V\O BI l u u w'V W) Uj sn, u
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