The Michigan Daily - michigandaily.com
{the b-side}
Thursday, December 7, 2006 - 3B
HOW-TO
The preparation and the homecoming.
THE ART OF CRAFTING THE PERFECT PAPER
(AT THE LAST MINUTE)
PUTTING ON THE BEST FACE
FOR THE HOMEFRONT
By CHRISTINA CHOI
Daily Arts Writer
At this time of year, it always
seems that your previous gloating
about an exam-free syllabus begins
to come around and bite you in the
ass. Tough.But whether you're hav-
ing nightmares about the research
paper that you should've spent all
semester on or regretting the night
you decided to play flip cup instead
of writing that four-page response
on a drug-addict documentary, fear
not - this is the guide for you.
Step 1. Situate yourself. A true
last-minute paper calls for a balls-
to-the-walls approach. Gather
your essentials (laptop, course
notes, toothbrush) and head for the
most boring place on campus. This
isn't the second floor of the UGLi.
While finding an empty study car-
rel at the Hatcher Graduate library
is nearly impossible, the reference
room on the second floor is crowd-
ed but quiet. When in doubt, follow
the engineers.
Step2.Avoiddistractions.Pick
your zoom juice of choice and stick
with it. A good beverage should ide-
ally give you two to three hours of
focused writing time. It'll be pain-
ful, but log off AIM and Facebook
and put your cell on silent. Bring
food to avoid wandering off-task in
the name of nourishment. Now you
are ready to start writing.
Step 3. The art of B.S. If you
have absolutely no idea where to
start, reread the instructions and
write out the most basic answer
to the question. A quick and dirty
outline such as "Movie was trippy,
drugs suck, people in movie are
sadly doomed" will help you. Now
that you know what you want to
say, expand it. What was the movie
about? Define "trippy."
If you get really pressed for an
argument, start talking about "the
other." You don't have to know
what that is, just do it. It never
fails.
If it's a research paper, take
advantage of Internet databases
like Proquest that are accessible
through the library's website.
This is a fast way to find sources if
you've never checked out a book in
your college career. Note: Wikipe-
dia is not a credible source. Master
the -fine art of skimming - read
the first couple sentences of every
other paragraph until you find the
I ttVU K CAMPBELL/Daily
Books will help, but it's up to you to reel back in your high school sweetheart.
information you need.
Step 4. Introductions and con-
clusions. Great papers don't have
one-sentence thesis statements
that can be easily underlined by
the grader. But in this situation, try
to come up with a statement that
succinctly describes what you're
trying to say and make sure you
actually say it. This may be easier to
do after writing the body. Similarly,
your conclusion isn't going to be
mind-shattering, but remember to
summarize what you talked about
and why. Avoid combining your last
point with your concluding para-
graph, as it will make the paper
seem incomplete and rushed.
Step 5. Don't forget the small
things. If you need six sources,
don't be a wimp and settle for four.
Little things, like including a cer-
tain reference from class or follow-
ing APA/MLA format, may count
for more than you'd expect. Also,
By WHITNEY DIBO
Daily Arts Writer
Whether you're making that first
back-from-college impression or
solidifying your image before enter-
ing the work world, presenting your
college self to those high school
buddies over the holidays can be
tricky. And although pretending
like you don't care is a great tactic
in achieving a certain post-high
school status, Daily Arts knows you
do. So take out your TrapperKeeper
and start taking notes, because that
high school crush (or nemesis) is
bound to be barging back into your
life in just a few days.
Changing your image altogether
isn't recommended. It's much eas-
TREVOR CAMPBELL/Daily ier to magnify or tweak your high
you can do to make it easier on yourself. school self so as not to startle your
don't skimp on a read-through high school friends. If you try to do
for organization and grammati- a complete 180, it will most likely
cal errors that spell-check doesn't backfire - forcing your friends to
catch. While this may take 15 pre- either call you out on it, or talk shit
cious early-morning minutes, it's about you.
better than attempting to catch a
wink of sleep and waking up four For example, it's easy to go
hours later to find you've missed from chilled-out-high school kid
the deadline. Suggestions for the to guitar-playing-pot-smoking-
length-impaired: tiny changes college philosopher, as long as
in spacing (2.1 instead of 2) and you have the goods to back it up.
ctrl+F7 (the thesaurus shortcut). Case in point: If you claim you and
Always proceed with caution when your college friends "blaze all the
attempting to cheat the system - a ' time," it looks pretty bad if you can't
paper that doesn't sound like you light up without burning your eye-
wrote it is a bad sign, and only fools lashes, or if you can only strum an
will attempt to use Courier font. A chord on that brand-new Martin
lying on your bed.
Step 6. Be realistic. While this
may not be your best work, expect- If it's the "intriguingly smart
ing an A from a three-hour endeav- and studious" look you're after,
or instead of a 30-hour one may be start dropping words like "dis-
a bit much. Instead, remember to sertation" and "thesis" early
save frequently, stay focused and on. You don't have to go into a full
don't crash until after the paper explanation, of course, as long as
is safely in your professor or GSI's you stick to obscure topics (i.e.
hands. Nigerian film, the economic stabil-
ity of Latvia, etc.). Start conversa-
tions with sentences like "There's a
scholarship program in Cambridge
I'm applying for .:.." or "Have you
read Orwell's 'Politics in the Eng-
lish Language' recently?" Beware:
If you go too far with the preten-
sion, someone might just ask to see
the first few pages of that disserta-
tion.
Or maybe it's the "guy-who-
knows-everyone" image you'd
like to bring home. This one is
relatively simple - colorful flyers,
scattered to-do lists and a constant-
ly ringing phone are the essentials.
And be sure your many clubs/orga-
nizations have functioning websites
for when your skeptical friends
Google your name.
If you did join a fraternity or
sorority while at school, avoid
using Greek jargon like "broth-
erhood" and referring to your
new friends as "sisters." Don't ask
"what house" your friends live in.
The tactic will only backfire, lead-
ingyourhighschoolfriendstothink
you're totally brainwashed and have
lost your identity amid deafening
sorority chants and brain-cell-kill-
ing fraternity hazing.
does double duty, saying both "I'm
old enough to grow facial hair" and
"I didn't care enough about you
high school kids to shave it."
Drink responsibly while at
home. Nothing says uncool like a
college kid who can't handle his
liquor.Your high school friends will
immediately infer that you never
drink at college, never go out and
have no friends.
And what about that old high
school crush? Well, you have two
options: 1) Ignore them. This way
they'll figure you've gotten yours
during college, and have completely
forgotten about that time behind the
old oak tree. The snuff could switch
your crush from unattainable to in-
the-bag. 2) Be bold. Walk right up
to that cutie from 10th grade biol-
ogy and fearlessly hit on him like a
pro. This tactic says "I've hooked up
with a lot of drunk frat boys in the
last four months, and now, I know a
thing or two."
So go home and dazzle your high
school friends with these helpful
tips. Leave them behind in January
saying, "Wow, (yourname here) has
really changed/grown up/gotten
hotter in college." Good luck.
Don't underestimate the
power of a new look. For girls, a
random change of hair color, length
or even the sudden appearance of
bangs can scream "I'm four months
older and lovin' it!" And wear those
cute Urban Outfitters hats you were '
too self-conscious to wear in high
school. Nothing says "College has
changed me" like a taupe paper-
boy hat cocked to the side. And
boys, two words: facial hair. If you
can grow it, scruff it up this winter =W. rtd
break - the five-o'clock-shadow y71777
DAILY ARTS.
WE DON'T GO HOME.
THE BEST KNIGHTS
OUT IN DETROIT!
cou\d inspire such mode
(Q C
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December 7 at 730 PM
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