4 - The Michigan Daily - Friday, January 13, 2006
OPINION
G e lirbigutn 1tuig
JASON Z. PESICK
Editor in Chief
SUHAEL MOMIN
SAM SINGER
Editorial Page Editors
ALISON Go
Managing Editor
EDITED AND MANAGED BY STUDENTS AT
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ANN ARBOR, MI 48109
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NOTABLE
QUOTABLE
'44 I sincerely
apologize to the nation
and the international
community for using
erroneous data in the
papers."
-South Korean scientist Hwang Woo Suk, apolo-
gizing for his lab's fraudulent stem-cell research,
as reported yesterday on washingtonpost.com.
KIM LEUNG THE TAKE-OUr Box
al
WOE E OON C.N~siNC
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Unsigned editorials reflect the official position of the Daily's editorial board. All
other signed articles and illustrations represent solely the views of their author.
h
Panic Time
ANDREW BIELAK BURNING BRIDGES
6
T he second
semester of my
senior year at
the University is offi-
cially underway and, like
so many other hapless
undergrads, I find myself
entering the throes of a
pre-graduation freak-out.
In such dire circumstanc-
es, it's only customary to
gnash one's teeth, wail maniacally at the heavens
and place sacrificial offerings at an altar to the
hungry job-gods. Human sacrifice was eventually
ruled out. Unfortunately, I fear that my efforts to
please these deities may prove too little too late,
for I have already incurred their wrath through
my useless degrees in Political Science and Latin
American Studies. Oh, they're angry, and they're
looking for blood.
Coming from the hyper-anal bastion of east-
coast neuroticism known as Boston, I arrived at
the University expecting some kind of reprieve
from the academic nuttiness that characterized
my high school. I mean, come on, this is the Mid-
west - where people are kinder, more polite and
don't whip out the middle finger because you drive
less than 90 miles per hour in the fast lane. But as
experience has taught me, this ain't Michigan, it's
Ann Arbor, a place where tensions are.high, future
careers are scarce and the pungent aroma of post-
college freedom elicits temporary insanity in its
graduating seniors. In the months prior to gradu-
ation, these poor souls can be seen wandering
across the Diag, eyes glazed and hair gone white
with grief, pontificating wildly on the worthless-
ness of their triple majors in English, pottery-mak-
ing and Jack Daniels-consuming.
Remember that amazing rush of excitement that
hit when you realized high school had officially
ended and you were about to enter a world rife
with sex, alcohol and maybe even some interest-
ing academic endeavors? Well, now you're leaving
that world and entering the real world. And guess
what? The real world wants to eat you whole.
Your academic indecision and lack of real-world
training will soon come to haunt you. Armed with
killer credentials and r6sum6s, white-collar ruffi-
ans will leave you in the dust. Before you know
it, poverty and desperation will leave you fighting
for the meager scraps of your over-qualified peers,
eagerly chomping down upon whatever morsels
they toss you.
Seeing the inevitability of this moment, certain
students are engaging in what some would call
"preparing" for the "real world." They butter up
their resumes with eloquent life-changing tales
from their semester spent abroad. They fine-tune
their dreaded law school application and LSAT
prep skills in Saturday-night study sessions at the
grad library. Hell, some even seem to be attempt-
ing to acquire what, according to my calculations,
appear to be real jobs, with real salaries and actual
work to do.
I, fortunately, will be taking part in none of this
aimless buffoonery, choosing instead to prepare
for doomsday (the day after graduation) through
less traditional means.
The first step, as any properly paranoid gradu-
ating senior should know, is an assessment of the
situation. Comfortable as you may be now, in the
warm, sleepy haze of 9 a.m. economics class, you
will not feel so self-assured in five months when
hordes of graduated seniors/manic-jobless zom-
bies descend upon the night streets of Ann Arbor.
That's right, zombies.
After receiving their cute paper diplomas and
then realizing their worthlessness, these previ-
ously cheery undergraduates will immediately
transform into employment-hungry ghouls, lurch-
ing around campus in search of blood and posi-
tive job qualifications. Underclassmen, especially
those with high grade point averages and inno-
cent, beady little eyes, should consider themselves
highly vulnerable and act accordingly.
The second and most important phase of my
preparation is the development of a high-tech
weaponry system and refinement of my zombie-
fighting skills. If I hope to truly stand a chance in
the vicious anarchy of post-college life, then logic
assumes that I must adapt accordingly and learn
how to survive with a kill-or-be-killed mental-
ity. My training in this period will include knife
throwing, kickboxing and a self-help course on
killing a man with a cover letter in six seconds.
While acquiring these skills may not eliminate the
risk of being defeated at the hands of former class-
mates converted into drooling, maniacal job-seek-
ers, they will better prepare me for their arrival.
So to all you poor, unenlightened souls, tak-
ing in your precious last few months at the Uni-
versity with bittersweet sentimentality, I say go
ahead. Gulp down those final, tasteful beers with
your merry cohorts at your favorite local drink-
ing establishment. Send off that perfectly worded
essay to that law school you've always talked about
applying to. But when the apocalyptic post-gradu-
ation wasteland is laid bare and the undead rise up
to consume your soul, don't come crying to me for
help. It's a vicious world out there - you can bet
I'll be ready for it.
Bielak can be reached
at anbielak@umich.edu.
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Wiretap or die
Don't spy on me; I'm just a terrorist
C ontroversy has recently
ignited over President Bush's
authorization of the National
Security Agency to conduct wire-
taps of suspected terrorist com-
munications without a warrant. It
is difficult to define a terrorist in
strict terms. However, the ability
to monitor foreign communications
and act without the threat of losing
a warrant or being stalled by end-
less red tape is important to nation-
al security. Bush's authorization to
the NSA is not unprecedented and
is completely within his constitu-
tional authority.
Foreign intelligence is critical
when dealing with an enemy like
al Qaeda - or any terrorist faction
for that matter. Chicago Sun-Times
columnist Mark Steyn writes: "It's
very hard to fight a terrorist war
without intelligence. By definition,
you can only win battles against ter-
rorists preemptively - that's to say,
you find out what they're planning
to do next Thursday and you stop it
cold on Wednesday. Capturing them
on Friday while you're still pulling
your dead from the rubble is poor
consolation."
The Foreign Intelligence Surveil-
lance Act requires federal agents to
act as lawyers with a burden of proof.
Instead of allowing them to concen-
trate on their job, which is focusing
on intelligence, agents must chronicle
their every action just to maintain sur-
veillance.
The paranoia of "eroding" civil
liberties may be more important that
preventing another terrorist attack,
but I doubt the families and friends of
those lost in the World Trade Centers
would agree. But even the argument
that the administration is eroding
civil liberties has its flaws - simi-
lar wiretaps without warrants have
been carried out by each administra-
tion going back to Jimmy Carter. It's
amazing each family doesn't have
a telescreen where they're forced to
swear their allegiance to Big Broth-
er! President Clinton personally
signed executive orders authorizing
warrantless searches of American
citizens for the purposes of domestic
spying - Bush's actions are neither
unprecedented nor unconstitutional.
Wiretaps are only being placed
on foreign-to-domestic communi-
cations that show a sign of terrorist
activity. Paranoia over the govern-
ment listening to the Sunday conver-
sation with Grandma is ridiculous
- unless, of course, Grandma's
calling from Iraq and is part of al
Qaeda. An encompassing defini-
tion of a terrorist is someone who
will use violent actions to achieve
a political result. According to a
2002 interpretation by the Foreign
Intelligence Surveillance Court of
Review, if a conversation detailing
this type of action is discovered,
the President is authorized to order
a wiretap without a warrant.
If warrantless wiretaps on suspected
terrorists can be equated to eroding civil
liberties, I must ask: Could you wake
up in the morning and feel comfortable
with the idea that innocent American
citizens died in a preventable terrorist
attack, but the civil liberties of the ter-
rorist were protected? If you answer yes,
I suggest talking to the American Civil
Liberties Union about employment.
Will Kerridge is an Engineering junior and
a member of the Daily's Editorial Board.
Chin up for upcoming graduates
SOWMYA KRISHNAMURTHY Au.rm AI.TERAM PARTEM
A s the winter hired, the starting salary for grads with bachelor's nal ranked the University - 30th among feeders
semester kicks degrees in liberal arts is a mere $30,337. for grad programs. In a competitive sea of Ivy
into high gear That's all assuming, of course, that one can Leagues, this secures our place as one of the best
and 2006 graduation secure a job in the first place. At the college of Lit- public institutions in the country.
becomes more palpable, erature, Science, and Arts career fair last semester, Amid all the uncertainty and confusion, the
soon-to-be graduates I was shocked to find more than a few red-faced best advice for soon-to-be graduates is to relax.
are undoubtedly bom- alumni still in search for a first job. And a job itself Despite the horror stories about a friend's former
barded with job inter- does not necessarily translate into success or even roommate's second cousin, etc., who uses his
views, graduate school using one's degree. The housepainter who painted diploma as a coaster while sleeping in his parents'
applications and nagging my family's house last summer for instance, is a basement, graduation is a good thing. An under-
parents. As I prepare for graduate from the University's art school - I'll let graduate college education sends an invaluable
my last months at the University, I am reminded you insert the irony here yourself .economic signal, and as competition becomes
of senior year in high school, sitting vis-a-vis the The uncertainty in the culmination of a college stiffer and more global for jobs and graduate
guidance counselor in a cruel stroke of d6ja vu degree seems to have no bearing on rising tuition schools, a stamp from this university is both an
and facing the daunting question all students fear: costs. Including room and board fees, the cost of accomplishment and a necessity.
"Now what are you going to do with the rest of attending a public university on average is over With this, I urge my fellow seniors to enjoy their
your life?" $30,000. Multiply this number by four years and last semester here. Relax, take a couple of Psych
The most natural and financially lucrative add in ancillary expenses like the price gouging 111-esque courses (I highly recommend Ojibwa
answer is to get a job, yet employment prospects are on textbooks and a Starbucks habit, and all that myself), and everything will fall into place. Just
not overly heartening. According to the National you are left with is a house painter in debt. getting this far along the road is a formidable
Association of Colleges and Employers, although But on a more optimistic note, the future is not achievement regardless of figures or hearsay.
employers are paying more in starting salaries over- completely bleak. The statistics appear promis-
all than they did to the class of 2003-04 and plan ing for those bound for graduate school. Late last Krishnamurthy can be reached
to increase the number of new college graduates year, a study conducted by The Wall Street Jour- at sowmyak@umich.edu.
LITERARY SUBMISSIONS TO THE EDITOR
Activists found 'exact
opposite of a solution'
TO THE DAILY:
So wait, wait. The University suspended its
contract with the Coca-Cola Company, which
previously generated revenue of "about $1.4
million" to Coca-Cola, a multi-billion dollar
global corporation. As reported in Wednes-
day's Daily (Life after Coke: Area feels effects,
01/11/2006), "Coca-Cola does not sell or dis-
tribute anything in North America ... it's dis-
tributed by local bottlers." Also, "Michigan's
(Coca-Cola) bottling company employs about
2000 people" and "the loss of sales could
affect everyone from salaried salespeople ...
to delivery truck drivers." So then what we've
done, in essence, is made a miniscule dent,
arguably absent of any significance, in Coca-
Cola, while at the same time potentially com-
promising the jobs of thousands in the state of
Michigan? Wow, isn't that, like, what people
call the exact opposite of a solution to a prob-
lem, or something? Good job, Coke activists!
Surrealist poet commends student activists
FOR TE 8TUMDNTS COKE BOGCOT ON THE NIVMBITY OF MICIGAN -C 5
I hear resounding hootheats yet again
en the stair ( I den 't k w if they are
galloping * up *or o. ewn s may be
in my own house 6 ) F*o 46")
1 Find
the first thing a pen between my fingers
I sm not Buck Rogers
As a matter of feaet I *ven get seaLick"
on waterbeds
when theyee not there.
As for Spratiom-Teape ral Inference
"Our servants will do it for as " XlosetEMsat
le sent* El salt*
Hoping this will not confuse you in any way
morn than , say, Rimbaud' a J eat un Autre Or Aime Csaire
if I you "
is looking for a map No poem can
be scomplete" without including the name of Katie Couric
"In Dissent" opinions do not reflect the views of the Daily's editorial board. They
are solely the views of the author.
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