4 - The Michigan Daily - Friday, January 13, 2006 OPINION G e lirbigutn 1tuig JASON Z. PESICK Editor in Chief SUHAEL MOMIN SAM SINGER Editorial Page Editors ALISON Go Managing Editor EDITED AND MANAGED BY STUDENTS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SINCE 1890 420 MAYNARD STREET ANN ARBOR, MI 48109 tothedaily@michigandaily.com NOTABLE QUOTABLE '44 I sincerely apologize to the nation and the international community for using erroneous data in the papers." -South Korean scientist Hwang Woo Suk, apolo- gizing for his lab's fraudulent stem-cell research, as reported yesterday on washingtonpost.com. KIM LEUNG THE TAKE-OUr Box al WOE E OON C.N~siNC t 0 Unsigned editorials reflect the official position of the Daily's editorial board. All other signed articles and illustrations represent solely the views of their author. h Panic Time ANDREW BIELAK BURNING BRIDGES 6 T he second semester of my senior year at the University is offi- cially underway and, like so many other hapless undergrads, I find myself entering the throes of a pre-graduation freak-out. In such dire circumstanc- es, it's only customary to gnash one's teeth, wail maniacally at the heavens and place sacrificial offerings at an altar to the hungry job-gods. Human sacrifice was eventually ruled out. Unfortunately, I fear that my efforts to please these deities may prove too little too late, for I have already incurred their wrath through my useless degrees in Political Science and Latin American Studies. Oh, they're angry, and they're looking for blood. Coming from the hyper-anal bastion of east- coast neuroticism known as Boston, I arrived at the University expecting some kind of reprieve from the academic nuttiness that characterized my high school. I mean, come on, this is the Mid- west - where people are kinder, more polite and don't whip out the middle finger because you drive less than 90 miles per hour in the fast lane. But as experience has taught me, this ain't Michigan, it's Ann Arbor, a place where tensions are.high, future careers are scarce and the pungent aroma of post- college freedom elicits temporary insanity in its graduating seniors. In the months prior to gradu- ation, these poor souls can be seen wandering across the Diag, eyes glazed and hair gone white with grief, pontificating wildly on the worthless- ness of their triple majors in English, pottery-mak- ing and Jack Daniels-consuming. Remember that amazing rush of excitement that hit when you realized high school had officially ended and you were about to enter a world rife with sex, alcohol and maybe even some interest- ing academic endeavors? Well, now you're leaving that world and entering the real world. And guess what? The real world wants to eat you whole. Your academic indecision and lack of real-world training will soon come to haunt you. Armed with killer credentials and r6sum6s, white-collar ruffi- ans will leave you in the dust. Before you know it, poverty and desperation will leave you fighting for the meager scraps of your over-qualified peers, eagerly chomping down upon whatever morsels they toss you. Seeing the inevitability of this moment, certain students are engaging in what some would call "preparing" for the "real world." They butter up their resumes with eloquent life-changing tales from their semester spent abroad. They fine-tune their dreaded law school application and LSAT prep skills in Saturday-night study sessions at the grad library. Hell, some even seem to be attempt- ing to acquire what, according to my calculations, appear to be real jobs, with real salaries and actual work to do. I, fortunately, will be taking part in none of this aimless buffoonery, choosing instead to prepare for doomsday (the day after graduation) through less traditional means. The first step, as any properly paranoid gradu- ating senior should know, is an assessment of the situation. Comfortable as you may be now, in the warm, sleepy haze of 9 a.m. economics class, you will not feel so self-assured in five months when hordes of graduated seniors/manic-jobless zom- bies descend upon the night streets of Ann Arbor. That's right, zombies. After receiving their cute paper diplomas and then realizing their worthlessness, these previ- ously cheery undergraduates will immediately transform into employment-hungry ghouls, lurch- ing around campus in search of blood and posi- tive job qualifications. Underclassmen, especially those with high grade point averages and inno- cent, beady little eyes, should consider themselves highly vulnerable and act accordingly. The second and most important phase of my preparation is the development of a high-tech weaponry system and refinement of my zombie- fighting skills. If I hope to truly stand a chance in the vicious anarchy of post-college life, then logic assumes that I must adapt accordingly and learn how to survive with a kill-or-be-killed mental- ity. My training in this period will include knife throwing, kickboxing and a self-help course on killing a man with a cover letter in six seconds. While acquiring these skills may not eliminate the risk of being defeated at the hands of former class- mates converted into drooling, maniacal job-seek- ers, they will better prepare me for their arrival. So to all you poor, unenlightened souls, tak- ing in your precious last few months at the Uni- versity with bittersweet sentimentality, I say go ahead. Gulp down those final, tasteful beers with your merry cohorts at your favorite local drink- ing establishment. Send off that perfectly worded essay to that law school you've always talked about applying to. But when the apocalyptic post-gradu- ation wasteland is laid bare and the undead rise up to consume your soul, don't come crying to me for help. It's a vicious world out there - you can bet I'll be ready for it. Bielak can be reached at anbielak@umich.edu. I 0 Wiretap or die Don't spy on me; I'm just a terrorist C ontroversy has recently ignited over President Bush's authorization of the National Security Agency to conduct wire- taps of suspected terrorist com- munications without a warrant. It is difficult to define a terrorist in strict terms. However, the ability to monitor foreign communications and act without the threat of losing a warrant or being stalled by end- less red tape is important to nation- al security. Bush's authorization to the NSA is not unprecedented and is completely within his constitu- tional authority. Foreign intelligence is critical when dealing with an enemy like al Qaeda - or any terrorist faction for that matter. Chicago Sun-Times columnist Mark Steyn writes: "It's very hard to fight a terrorist war without intelligence. By definition, you can only win battles against ter- rorists preemptively - that's to say, you find out what they're planning to do next Thursday and you stop it cold on Wednesday. Capturing them on Friday while you're still pulling your dead from the rubble is poor consolation." The Foreign Intelligence Surveil- lance Act requires federal agents to act as lawyers with a burden of proof. Instead of allowing them to concen- trate on their job, which is focusing on intelligence, agents must chronicle their every action just to maintain sur- veillance. The paranoia of "eroding" civil liberties may be more important that preventing another terrorist attack, but I doubt the families and friends of those lost in the World Trade Centers would agree. But even the argument that the administration is eroding civil liberties has its flaws - simi- lar wiretaps without warrants have been carried out by each administra- tion going back to Jimmy Carter. It's amazing each family doesn't have a telescreen where they're forced to swear their allegiance to Big Broth- er! President Clinton personally signed executive orders authorizing warrantless searches of American citizens for the purposes of domestic spying - Bush's actions are neither unprecedented nor unconstitutional. Wiretaps are only being placed on foreign-to-domestic communi- cations that show a sign of terrorist activity. Paranoia over the govern- ment listening to the Sunday conver- sation with Grandma is ridiculous - unless, of course, Grandma's calling from Iraq and is part of al Qaeda. An encompassing defini- tion of a terrorist is someone who will use violent actions to achieve a political result. According to a 2002 interpretation by the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court of Review, if a conversation detailing this type of action is discovered, the President is authorized to order a wiretap without a warrant. If warrantless wiretaps on suspected terrorists can be equated to eroding civil liberties, I must ask: Could you wake up in the morning and feel comfortable with the idea that innocent American citizens died in a preventable terrorist attack, but the civil liberties of the ter- rorist were protected? If you answer yes, I suggest talking to the American Civil Liberties Union about employment. Will Kerridge is an Engineering junior and a member of the Daily's Editorial Board. Chin up for upcoming graduates SOWMYA KRISHNAMURTHY Au.rm AI.TERAM PARTEM A s the winter hired, the starting salary for grads with bachelor's nal ranked the University - 30th among feeders semester kicks degrees in liberal arts is a mere $30,337. for grad programs. In a competitive sea of Ivy into high gear That's all assuming, of course, that one can Leagues, this secures our place as one of the best and 2006 graduation secure a job in the first place. At the college of Lit- public institutions in the country. becomes more palpable, erature, Science, and Arts career fair last semester, Amid all the uncertainty and confusion, the soon-to-be graduates I was shocked to find more than a few red-faced best advice for soon-to-be graduates is to relax. are undoubtedly bom- alumni still in search for a first job. And a job itself Despite the horror stories about a friend's former barded with job inter- does not necessarily translate into success or even roommate's second cousin, etc., who uses his views, graduate school using one's degree. The housepainter who painted diploma as a coaster while sleeping in his parents' applications and nagging my family's house last summer for instance, is a basement, graduation is a good thing. An under- parents. As I prepare for graduate from the University's art school - I'll let graduate college education sends an invaluable my last months at the University, I am reminded you insert the irony here yourself .economic signal, and as competition becomes of senior year in high school, sitting vis-a-vis the The uncertainty in the culmination of a college stiffer and more global for jobs and graduate guidance counselor in a cruel stroke of d6ja vu degree seems to have no bearing on rising tuition schools, a stamp from this university is both an and facing the daunting question all students fear: costs. Including room and board fees, the cost of accomplishment and a necessity. "Now what are you going to do with the rest of attending a public university on average is over With this, I urge my fellow seniors to enjoy their your life?" $30,000. Multiply this number by four years and last semester here. Relax, take a couple of Psych The most natural and financially lucrative add in ancillary expenses like the price gouging 111-esque courses (I highly recommend Ojibwa answer is to get a job, yet employment prospects are on textbooks and a Starbucks habit, and all that myself), and everything will fall into place. Just not overly heartening. According to the National you are left with is a house painter in debt. getting this far along the road is a formidable Association of Colleges and Employers, although But on a more optimistic note, the future is not achievement regardless of figures or hearsay. employers are paying more in starting salaries over- completely bleak. The statistics appear promis- all than they did to the class of 2003-04 and plan ing for those bound for graduate school. Late last Krishnamurthy can be reached to increase the number of new college graduates year, a study conducted by The Wall Street Jour- at sowmyak@umich.edu. LITERARY SUBMISSIONS TO THE EDITOR Activists found 'exact opposite of a solution' TO THE DAILY: So wait, wait. The University suspended its contract with the Coca-Cola Company, which previously generated revenue of "about $1.4 million" to Coca-Cola, a multi-billion dollar global corporation. As reported in Wednes- day's Daily (Life after Coke: Area feels effects, 01/11/2006), "Coca-Cola does not sell or dis- tribute anything in North America ... it's dis- tributed by local bottlers." Also, "Michigan's (Coca-Cola) bottling company employs about 2000 people" and "the loss of sales could affect everyone from salaried salespeople ... to delivery truck drivers." So then what we've done, in essence, is made a miniscule dent, arguably absent of any significance, in Coca- Cola, while at the same time potentially com- promising the jobs of thousands in the state of Michigan? Wow, isn't that, like, what people call the exact opposite of a solution to a prob- lem, or something? Good job, Coke activists! Surrealist poet commends student activists FOR TE 8TUMDNTS COKE BOGCOT ON THE NIVMBITY OF MICIGAN -C 5 I hear resounding hootheats yet again en the stair ( I den 't k w if they are galloping * up *or o. ewn s may be in my own house 6 ) F*o 46") 1 Find the first thing a pen between my fingers I sm not Buck Rogers As a matter of feaet I *ven get seaLick" on waterbeds when theyee not there. As for Spratiom-Teape ral Inference "Our servants will do it for as " XlosetEMsat le sent* El salt* Hoping this will not confuse you in any way morn than , say, Rimbaud' a J eat un Autre Or Aime Csaire if I you " is looking for a map No poem can be scomplete" without including the name of Katie Couric "In Dissent" opinions do not reflect the views of the Daily's editorial board. They are solely the views of the author. i J I