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February 23, 2006 - Image 10

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U V V V

U - UA

UI

-W

-IV

3B Oscar Hosting
How will Jon Stewart
cope with the biggest MC
gig in show business?
3B Memorable Moments
Imran Syed picks the top five
scenes from Oscar's past.
4B Best Actor/Actress
D i i writers pick their
fav ites for acting os tp honor.
5B Best Sup. Actor/Actress
Favorites in these
egories are Rachel Weisz.
and George clooney.
6B Best Picture
Amanda Andrade breaks down
the nights biggest race,
8B Best Director
H olly wood superstar George
lone goes up against
critical favorite Ang Lee.

9B Best Screenplay
Jeffrey Bloomer analyzes
the screenwriting awards.
10B Predictions
Daily film writers make
their best guess at who will
go home with Oscar.
10B Best of the Rest
A took at some of Oscar's
overlooked categories.
11B Where Are All My Movies?
David R. Eicke thinks the
Acaderny my have unfairly
passed over "Saw 11."
11B Oscar vs. Facebook
Why watching the awards
i better than your normal
Sunday night routine,
12B Random Student Interview
Rand wreighs in on the Oscar
an dies ioulin ouge.
Magazine Editor: James V. Dowd
Associate Magazine Editor: Chris Gaerig
Cover Art: Shubra Ohri
Photo Editor: Shubra Ohri
Designer: William Couch
Editor in Chief: Donn M. Fresard
Managing Editor: Ashley Dinges

From The Editors

What about my movies?
By David R. Eicke | Daily Arts Writer

This week's issue cen-
ters around the upcom-
ing Academy Awards
show. The Daily Arts
staff spends a great
deal of time reviewing
movies throughout the
year, so working on
this particular issue is
very exciting for that
staff.

Special
to Daily

thanks go
Film Editor

Amanda Andrade, who
spent a great deal of time coordinating this
issue for us, working with many different arts
writers. Managing Arts Editor Jeffrey Bloomer
put a lot of effort into helping Amanda and our-
selves with this issue.
Throughout the magazine, Daily arts writers
give their analysis of the nominations in each
category before predicting the winners. Every
page clearly shows how knowledgeable each
and every one of the contributing writers is.

Mgeditors keep
Thiy say they're
s 4 skry fbigiving me all
ese ad movies to
review, but, like, they
have to take the good
ones since, you know,
they're the editors.
They're just ... more
important. And they hope I understand.
So I lower my eyes a little bit. I tell them
it's no big deal. I gesticulate as if I'm shooing
away a stubborn mosquito, and I say, "Nah."
I'm pretending to pretend to be standing up
pretty well as a martyred peon. In their eyes, I
am a defeated but valiant critic - a loyal goat
writer that chokes down all their cinematic
leftovers and vomits them back up on a big
sheet of newsprint.
But I know something they don't know.
I know that while my noble-winged editors
may walk out of "Munich" with a new aware-
ness of historical goings-on and maybe a
bright-eyed, synecdochic understanding about
the concept of terrorism in general, I walk out
of "Underworld: Evolution" with a grin borne
of my liver and the beginnings of an erection.
My editors think they're enlightened. They're
actually depressed. I, on the other hand, am
quenching my Freudian thirsts. One word,
bitches: viscera.
So, needless to say, when the Oscar nomi-
nations came out, I was completely taken
aback. Where is "Saw II?" Where is "Cry
Wolf?" Where are all my movies? Obviously,
the people choosing these films, unlike me,
care nothing for their malnourished, frozen

loins. They can't sleep at night. They toss and
sweat, thinking about racism or terrorism or
McCarthyism or the life of Truman Capote.
And then when they do sleep, they have to
deal with most unnerving nightmares: Heath
Ledger charging naked through a black-and-
white television studio with a loaded bazooka
and a cigarette.
Meanwhile, I'm dreaming of a Jessica Alba
in a bikini. She's chewing on little clay pieces
of Wallace and Gromit and grinding quite
naughtily with Usher. I sip my drink through
a twisty straw.
I don't know how the other half does it:
such a dismal existence.
So here is a list of nominees for those who
aren't afraid to cater to their Dionysian whims
- for those who'd rather watch something
blow up than have their consciences marred
by indirect politics.
Best Picture: "In the Mix"
This film not only satisfies our primal needs
for intricate gunplay and hot Italian women, but
also our need for pop-and-lock. Usher Raymond
is a god among men, and each member of his
eight pack should be deified. I will do that right
now, and you can use this article as a reference.
Starting left-to-right and top-to-bottom: the God
of Pyrotechnics, the God of Large Firearms,
the God of Sustained Arrhythmias, the God of
Orgasm, the God of Elaborate Tattoo Art, the
God of Lingerie, the God of Steak and the God
of Manual Transmission.
Best Actor in a Leading Role: The Rock
The world could not have asked for a better
alien killer. Let's give him some real guns and
send him to Mars. For our protection, of course.
Best Actress in a Leading Role: Orlando Bloom
Did anyone see "Elizabethtown?" Fantastic.

Usher flaunts his 8-pack during "In The Mix" for David Eic

^a t- +

a
s
s
n
o

Finally, readers can take note of the mag-
zine's page design, especially the center
pread. The magazine's designer William Couch
pends many hours each week (with little or
o reward) on our page designs and every one
f them looks great. This Oscar issue is no

Lifetime Achievement Award: Jean-
Claude Van Damme
Chuck Norris and Jackie Chan might have
fast hands and wicked roundhouse kicks, but
do they have a waxed chest? Nope. Belgian
accent? Nope. Only Jean-Claude has been
able to provide the English-speaking com-
munity with the one-two-three punch of
world-class ass-kicking, Western European
charm and the ability to do the splits on a

kitchen c
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movies."
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sion. I w
eat my e
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coffee, tea, lattes, trozen drinks, pastries,
soups, salads, sandwiches, and more.
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'J0 r6r esMarch 2, 2006

exception.

Thanks for reading.

James V. Dowd, Managing Magazine Editor

Oscars Rule, Facebook Drools
By Christina Choi and Chris Gaerig

Chris Gaerig,

Associate Magazine Editor

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1111

THE
EUROPA
FORUM

The Fastest-Growing
International Business Conference
presents:

k5

Exploring Lea
Thomas Morel
Business Director - France
Diamond Trading Co.
(De Beers Group)

dership in US and Europe
Fred Hoffman
Director of State Relations
DaimnlerChrysler Corp.
and
Two Discussion Panels:

1. Broadcasting screw-ups are abundant
in live telecasts. Remember that whole Janet
Jackson ordeal? Wasn't that awesome? Tell-
ing all of your friends in high school that you
finally saw a celebrity's boob on TV? Insist-
ing that they were "going to be able to show
this shit all the time now." Well, despite
the five-second tape delay, these occasions
turn Hollywood's biggest night into televi-
sion's biggest farce. It's fun watching people
scramble on stage to get out of the cam-
eraman's shot. Plus, "Mad TV" jokes will
fly right over your head if you don't watch
- and that's something too embarrassing to
admit in public.
2. Facebook losers are life losers. Take that,
question-mark-for-a-picture dude! But if you
happen to be a 2006 Oscar loser, the buffer
prize for your stolen moment of fame is three
days at a swanky Vegas hotel, free Lasik eye
surgery and a set of high-thread-count bed
sheets to cry yourself to sleep on or indulge in
some Sin City rehab.

3. Heath Ledger is not really your friend.
Nor is Johnny Depp or Chaka Khan. But Jon
Stewart will try hard to woo the audience in
his hosting debut. After all, he's the follow-
up to the veteran host Chris Rock, who
delivered hilarious lines such as, "You want
Russell Crowe and all you can get is Colin
Farrell? Wait. 'Alexander' is not 'Gladiator.'
" Um, yeah.
4. Ugly people don't get laid. Interested
in whatever you can get? Botox-deprived
Oscar nominees get awards. Cue the scary,
eyebrowless image of Charlize Theron
in "Monster" that earned her 2003's best
actress. On that premise, George Clooney's
best supporting actor nod for his plump
performance in "Syriana" should earn him
French-fry fame.
5. Dead people can't update Facebook.
But that doesn't stop them from winning
Oscars! If an actor gets nominated for a
role where his character is shot off a horse,
strangled in a kimono, drowned in a canoe

or likewise during the movie, his chance of
winning increases. In past years, the bulk of
Oscar-winning men have portrayed soldiers.
No wonder Jim Carrey has yet to go to bed
clutching an 8.5-pound naked man.
6. "Brokeback Mountain" jokes can never
get old. If you're too busy updating your Face-
book, you'll miss all of the hilarious gay jokes.
Those are always funny, right? Then, you'll be
out of the loop with all of your friends when
they're quoting Jon Stewart's left-wing, bor-
derling-insensitive jokes about cowboys. But
seriously, Stewart is funnier than your friend's
profile that says his interests are "masturbat-
ing and smoking crack."
7. Scarlett Johansson. On the off chance that
"Match Point" deserving wins best adapted
screen play, you'll get to see Scarlett Johans-
son on stage. And that's definitely better than
looking for that cute girl in your cultural
anthropology class. Guaranteed, Scarlett is
better looking and will probably be just as
drunk as most sorority girls, and more fun to

laugh at.
8. Awkw
seats. WI
looking a
that got n
Mrs. Smi
actors/act
don't win
experienc
9. Extrav
celebritie
as close t
still be fu
around th
can try to
your "Nap
10. The
year. Jus
a couple
no more
when yot
Oscars.

March 10, 2006
9.30am - 2.30pm
Michigan Union
http://www.TheEuropaForum.com

1. German Politics : The Winds of Change
2. Down the Road: Turkeys Accession?

2B The Michigan Daify - Thursday, February 23, 2006

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