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February 16, 2006 - Image 9

Resource type:
The Michigan Daily, 2006-02-16

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Most deadly assassins
Scariest man on earth: Osama bin Laden or Dick Cheney?


ByT: The Real Americar
It's settled. Dick Cheney is officially the most
dangerous, least trustworthy man in America -
and we're proud to call him Commander In Chief
. or ab. Vice President.1
There's always been doubts about Cheney's
ability to function as Vice President - his heart
is a Walkman, two AAA-batteries and a small1
house fan - but its obvious that he takes no pris-
oners: neither attorneys nor quail.
Have you ever been hit with bird shot?
That shit is hardcore. We used to videotape
ourselves shooting each other but apparently


By: Heroes

In A Half Shell

MTV doesn't open packages entitled "People
Being Jackasses."
But Cheney's eagle-eye shooting aside, we feel
bad for his prey. Going up against Dick like that
in a "Most Dangerous Game" battle is just a bad
idea. Dick hit him in the heart and gave him a
heart attack too. Now that's skill.
As for his competition for "Most Deadly Man
In the World," Osama bin Laden, all we have to
say is: Where is he? When's the last time you saw
him condemning America? He's dead. Cheney
bombed the shit out him.

Wow, big deal. So Dick Cheney shoots
sone guy almost as old and busted as he is.
Poor Harry Whittington, on a peaceful hunt-
ing trip in his wheelchair, gets shot by some
maniacal dictator who shot awry, probably due
to a 60th heart attack.
How can you call Cheney dangerous?
He's plugged into an electrical outlet for a
majority of the day and hunts birds with 78-
year-old attorneys.
Osama may not be on TV all the time but
that's because he appreciates subtlety. It's not

like he's just sitting on his ass. The man's run-
ning around Afghanistan every day with his
AK-47, and teaching 14-year-old to shoot infi-
Plus, Osama is so deadly, he doesn't even
need to kill people anymore. He recruits the
help. He's so deadly that he can just sit under-
ground getting blazed and eating pizza all day
- and we have to give him props for that.
So what, Dick Cheney gives some decrepit
old guy a heart attack? It's only a matter of
time before Cheney's batteries go dead again.

F~U U 1

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12B -i TeJ Michi'gar RDavly -- Thursday, February 16, 2006

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