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8B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine - Thursday, April 8, 2004
ANDY KULA - BANGKOK RULES
The Michigan Daily - Weekend
'LA LA LA LIES'
Two weeks ago, I wrote about paintings and
photographs, saying it was an exercise for
my art interpretation class. It was an espe-
cially humorous article, so I expected to wake up
to a flood of congratulatory e-mails.
The only e-mails I received were not compli-
mentary. Faculty and alumni scathingly corrected
a statement I had made, telling me that Edward
Munch had painted "The Scream" and not Vinny
Van Gogh, as I had stated. One person even
called my bluff, implying that with my lack of
knowledge I was probably not even enrolled in an
art course. Honestly, this is true. I lied about tak-
ing that course simply because I thought it could
be funny.
Being an intelligent person, it's unlikely that I'd
make such an obvious mistake without checking
my facts. It must have been at least partially
intentional. Much like the cat burglar who fixes
himself a tuna sandwich and has a nap on the
futon, I was subconsciously asking to be caught. I
want to change my ways because honesty is prior-
ity No. 1, people. Today, the lies are exposed.
January 15: In my column "Thankfully,
Stephen King is not my daddy" I implied that the
famous author has an unhealthy addiction to
pornography. Also, I hinted that my own parents
enjoy drinking human blood. To the best of my
knowledge, neither of these statements is true.
January 29: In another column, I knowingly
encouraged students to join a number of campus
organizations that don't exist. They included the
Cannibalistic Organization of Wolverines and
Dead Poets Society Society. Also, I stated that I
am involved in the K-Grams program, which is
true, but according to the article I "corrupt local
youths with stories of drug-induced violence
and/or exotic sexual conquest," which is false.
February 6: At a party on Geddes Avenue an
inebriated woman molested me. To separate us, I
told her I had gonorrhea, and I didn't see her the
rest of the night. Truthfully, I don't have the clap
or any other venereal disease; I just didn't find
her attractive.
February 6: Later that night, a girl asked me if I
belonged to a fraternity. Afraid of appearing less
interesting if I said no, I told her that I did. When
asked which one, instead of admitting I lied and
that in fact I don't know the letters of the Greek
alphabet, I stared blankly, then uttered, "Cobra
Kai."
February 12: In my column, I described a dis-
astrous date of mine from high school, not one
word of it true. I never tried to slip anyone a
Mickey, nor did I molest a foreign child, remove
my pants in public or siphon gas from anyone's
car - that night.
February 19: Having missed a deadline for an
assignment in a class, I told my instructor that I
had a family emergency the day before that pre-
occupied my time. In truth, there was no emer-
gency; I was home and awake until 4 a.m.
watching "Cocktail" on TNT. Twice.
March 8: In a telephone conversation with my
parents, I said I had spent the night before "pray-
ing at church." Actually, by "praying," I meant
drinking, and by "at church," I meant alone.
March 11: I published a column, describing the
jobs I've had in the past. This was chock-full of
falsehoods. First of all, I don't have a personal
financial advisor named Klaus. Next, none of my
fellow paperboys died in the line of duty, my
approach to box-making was not renegade so
much as conformist, and I never killed a man and
"his tasty bitch he was with."
March 25: As mentioned before, my last col-
umn was also misleading. I described myself as
having a pointed left ear, a giant scar and buck
teeth. While the statement about the ear is true (at
the right angle and in certain lighting, I look like
Satan), I have no scar and my teeth are utterly
gorgeous.
April 8: In the column published this morning,
while confessing my lies, I included the sixth,
seventh, ninth and tenth paragraphs, which are in
fact lies of their own. Furthermore, the column
itself is little more than an "Andy Kula's Greatest
Hits" tribute. With my age and experience, such
a column would be similar to a best-of reel from
"The Magic Hour" or "The Chevy Chase Show."
Hopefully, by coming clean about all my deceit
and treachery, I will regain your trust, and we can
move on and establish a new phase in our rela-
tionship. I never meant to hurt you, Michigan.
- ContactAndy at ajkula@umich.edu.
FAR LEFT: A small
entrance leads to
the bi-level food
venue.
LEFT: Jerk Pit fare
is cooked in jerk
sauce.
Jerk Pit staves off the munchies
'Game Over' on latest edition of 'Spy Kids' franchise
By Kevn Hofifiel
By Kevin Hollifield
Daily Arts Writer
BID I'
In the '50s, the newest gimmick in
filmmaking was used to lure audi-
ences into the cinema. Using nerdy
two-color glasses, 3-D movies made
objects appear to leap out at the audi-
ence, usually riding the wave of nov-
elty with a paper-thin plot. The aptly
titled "Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over,"
which is now a 2 disc DVD set, falls
into this pattern.
Juni Cortez (Daryl Sabara) has
become a private investigator since
the events of the
second film, Spy Kids 3-D:
earning money to Game Over
buy the most G
realistic video Dimension
game ever. The
stakes increase,
however, as President Devlin (George
Clooney) informs Juni that his sister
Carmen (Alexa Vega) is being held
hostage in the game by the creatively
titled Toymaker (Sylvester Stallone).
Juni has to enter the game in order to
save Carmen. Juni's grandfather
(Ricardo Montalban) and virtually
every actor from the "Spy Kids"
movies show up to help Juni before
their time runs out.
While the sound is presented in
crisp Dolby Digital Surround, the
video presentation is an animal all its
own. While the 2-D version is crisp,
it serves no purpose, as viewers lose
the main attraction of the movie. The
film is migraine inducing, either
because of the glasses or Stallone in
his five roles.
The multitude of extras in this set
make up for the disappointing feature.
Robert Rodriguez hosts a "Ten
Minute Film School," in which he
shows how the shots for the films
were composed. It also includes
amusing home movies of his children
playing with trains, but with over-the-
top sound effects. Rodriguez also pro-
vides an informative feature-length
commentary of the film. There is also
a multi-angle storyboard-to-screen
featurette of one of the scenes. While
the movie will be a disappointment to
viewers over the age of 12, the extras
are its redeeming quality. With the
kiddie trilogy out of the way,
Rodriguez is now free to concentrate
on more "grown up" films, such as
"Desperado," which gave him Holly-
wood influence and allowed him to
make "Spy Kids" in the first place.
Movie: **
Picture/Sound: ***
Features: ****
By Emily Liu
Daily Arts Writer
You walked out from your class in
the Modern Languages Building and
detected the smell of food wafting
from the Jamaican Jerk Pit. Decid-
ing that you were hungry, you stud-
ied the menu but shied away from
entering the establishment, remem-
bering the sketchy-looking dead
plant that sat inside for months. You
decided to wait until some brave
gastronomical explorer visited the
restaurant and reviewed it first. This
is that exploration.
Entering the restaurant itself is an
awkward experience. The upstairs area
is open only for breakfast, so go
downstairs once inside. Tropical plants
and neon signs decorate the walls and
floors. The cash register is tucked
away in a corner on top of a display
case containing T-shirts, lighters,
Rastafarian hats and other souvenirs.
True to the restaurant's name, the
Jamaican Jerk Pit specializes in
foods prepared in jerk sauce, among
them chicken, pork, shrimp, snapper
and vegetables. The jerk sauces
come in three degrees of hotness
and taste something like a slightly
more sour, less viscous form of
steak sauce. Sandwiches are topped
with tomato slices and shredded
cheddar cheese and are served on
cocoa bread, which lacks the strong
taste and smell of cocoa since it is
white, soft and just faintly sweet.
The jerk chicken sandwich, jerk
pork sandwich and barbecue pork
sandwich are tasty and filling, but
the copious amount of sauce soak-
ing through the soft cocoa bread
render it soggy. Jerk chicken wings,
on the other hand, are dry and fla-
vorless, utterly lacking sauce.
There are three varieties of fries -
regular fries, plantain fries and sweet
potato fries. Another option are festi-
vals, which the server described as a
"Jamaican hush puppy." Made of corn-
meal and dipped in Jamaican allspice,
the festivals are then dipped into
honey before eating. I found the all-
spice, a sour-tasting powder, to be off-
putting. The festivals also seem to
contain almond extract, giving them a
flavor reminiscent of maraschino cher-
ries. The Jerk Pit's coleslaw contained
bits of finely chopped mango on top,
adding a pleasant texture to the side
dish, which was unfortunately also
drowning in dressing.
Beverages include a variety of fruit
drinks and smoothies - guava,
mango, passion fruit, banana orange,
coconut, pineapple and papaya. The
passion fruit smoothie was unsweet-
ened, but the lack of sugar emphasized
the fruit's natural flavor. Other drinks
that deviate from the standard fare are
various Jamaican coffees and Ting, a
Jamaican grapefruit soda similar to
Squirt or Fresca.
Among the Jamaican Jerk Pit's
desserts are key lime pie, icebox cake,
and cheesecake. The subpar key lime
pie, with its burnt crust, also had a tex-
ture that was gelatinous and without
much substance or flavor. There were
two types of icebox cake - Tia Maria,
a rum-based coffee liqueur, and
orange creme brulee. We opted for the
orange creme brulee icebox cake,
which consisted of white cake layers, a
thick buttery cream containing bits of
toasted coconut, and cake that had
been soaked in orange liqueur. While
my co-diners found this dessert tasty, I
felt that the cake had too much alcohol
in it, as if it were prepared for the sake
of putting alcohol in the cake rather
than giving it a subtle flavor. Essen-
tially, the taste of this dessert could be
simulated by soaking a cake in a fifth
of vodka.
Long waits to obtain licens
delayed the Jamaican Jerk Pit's ope
ing from October to February. T:
restaurant does not have a liqu
license but is waiting on one, as ev
denced by the signs that falsely adve
tise beer and other alcoholic drin<
When asked if they serve alcohol, th
waitress replied, "Not yet, just in th
icebox cake."
Overall, the Jamaican Jerk Pit
appropriate for a quick stop betwee
classes to stave off hunger but do
not offer a fine dining experience. T]
atmosphere perks up a bit at nigh
with reggae music blaring from t]
stereo. Patrons are asked not to get to
comfortable - a sign in the dinin
area reads "No ganja smoking."
JAMAICAN JERK.Prr
314 S. THAYER ST.
MONDAY-THURSDAY
7 A.M.- O1P.M.,
FRIDAY 7 A.M.-MIDNIGHT,
SATURDAY 10 A.M.-MIDNIGHT,
SUNDAY 11 A.M.-7 P.M.
(AVAILABLE FOR
PRIVATE PARTIES)
__________________________________________ U
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