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10B -The Michigan Daily - Weckeod Magazine - Thursday, January 8, 2004
The Michigan Daily - Weekend Mafi
7 JASON ALEXANDER - OSTANZA-ISMS
Courtesy La Face
Even Wesley Clark is down with us.
1. Speakerboxxx/The Love
Below, OutKast - Does any-
one else think it is crazy that he
likes the way I move?
. The Diary of Alicia Keys,
Alicia Keys - Dear Diary, I'm
such an untalented fraud. I hope
that no one finds out.
3. NOW That's What I Call
Music, Various Artists - The
National Organization for
Womenais really putting out a lot
of songs these days.
4. The Very Best of Sheryl
Crow, Sheryl Crow - I'd like to
think that the Best of Sheryl Crow
is yet to come, and by that I mean
she'll stop releasing music.
5. The Singles 1992-2003,
No Doubt - What a clever way
to disguise a Best of Album with-
out actually calling it a Best of.
6. The Black Album, Jay-2
- I was thinking about ,getting
the album, but instead I m just
gonna get the Black Album
phone from Nokia. That thing
7. Fallen, Evanescence -
Did you know that McDonald's
has all-white nuggets now?
8. Beg for Mercy, G-Unit-
No, seriously,they e really, really
vervy tastey. ''
9. Shock'N Y'all, Toby
Keith - Toby is dogs name, not
a name for a reactionary redneck.
Note: Never trust a man with two
10. Soulful, Ruben
Studdard - I don't care if you
are an "American Idol," you still
rry, you broke the pact once again! Here I went mar-
rying the world's biggest pop superstar and you gave me
nothing, Jerry. Nothing!
Why does this always happen to me? I'm cursed. That's
gotta be it. Cursed, Jerry; cursed!
You wanna get nuts? Let's get nutsl
My childhood pal Britney is getting all the headlines.
Here I am, Jason Alexander, once again left in the dust. The
feelings of my high school super-wedgie rush back! The
papers are calling her crazy, drunk, trashy. For 55 hours
there, I called her Mrs. Alexander.
Now, I'm not looking for massive publicity here, I1
already got enough attention when "Bob Patterson" hit (and
missed) ABC's lineup a few years back. I just need to tell
my side of the story. That's why I've already appeared on
"Access Hollywood," "Inside Edition" and "ET" and am
planning on appearing on "Behind the Music," "Queer Eye
for the Straight Guy," "The E! True Hollywood Story:'
Britney Spears" and "Becker."
After "Seinfeld" ended its run, I moved back home to my
hometown of Kentwood, Louisiana. There, my childhood
friend, Britney Jeans Spears (or B.. as I like to call her), and
I once again grew close. Twenty-two years my junior, she's
Soon-Yi to my Woody.
You may ask yourself: How could that young, sumptu-
ous, breasty, not-so-dirrty, down-home girl marry this fat,
bald, unemployed, neurotic, loser of a human being?
I simply did the opposite of every instinct I had, and that
worked. My Hollywood crush Marisa Tomei once found me
attractive. For a little over two days, I had B.J. tricked as
We're Taking It ip a Notch!
It took me over a year to finally get rid of my fiancee
Susan (and her dolls). Last Saturday, it took a 20-minute
ceremony in Las Vegas to call this not-yet-a-woman my
wife. Master of my domain for almost a whole three days,
the consummation period lasted about 20 minutes as well.
Now she's a woman.
B.J. even let me eat a pastrami sandwich and listen to a
bowl game while engaged in coitus. It was love, so I thought
but I'm getting ahead of myself.
In true, traditional Louisiana fashion, B.. got all dressed
up: a crop-top, ripped jeans with a white garter and a base-
ball cap. I was equally over-dressed in my wife-beater, Von
Dutch trucker hat and Wal-Mart sweatpants. Just a normal
evening for the IUttle White Weddig Chapel. It was a big
night for Vandelay Industries! A very big night!
The proudest day of my life. To think I once adopted
smoking cigarettes to kill a marriage (toxic envelopes killed
that engagement in the end)
Worlds are coa!idiug!
Jerry, I'm sorry for my ranting. You're happily married
now and still it is I, not you, who defy our co-marriage pact.
For I am still "Costanza: King of the Idiots"--- even though
.my name is Alexander, not Costanza.
Costanza was an out-of-work, single, whiny New Yorker.
I, Jason Alexander, am not from New York!
So there you go, "Seinfeld" fans, when you see me on the
street call me by my real name and stop telling me how
much the finale sucked. We know it sucked. But it still gets
us one-million dollars each time it airs on syndication.
Yeah Britney, I never married you for your money. I
desired you for the way you danced in the "I'm A Slave 4
U" video and the way you lip-synched your way through
your HBO concert special. The idea of faking your way to
a corporate paycheck is ruled right here with your ex-hus-
band. You were the Estelle to my Frank, the Helen to my
Morty, the Elaine to my Jerry.
In the annulment papers your lawyers filed the day after
"The Night of George," it reads: "Plaintiff Spears lacked
understanding of her actions to the extent she was incapable
of agreeing to the marriage because before entering in the
marriage, the plaintiff and defendant did not know each oth-
ers' likes and dislikes, each other's desires to have or not
have children, and each others' desires as to a state of resi-
My lawyer, Jackie Chiles, spells out my response as so:
"Whatever Britney likes, Jason likes; whatever Britney dis-
likes, Jason dislikes. Jason desires to perform the act of
child-making as often as possible, with children serving as
a possible result. For residency, no matter the state, Jason
wants to date,"
It says, "The Moops."
I made a mistake. I will do anythingto have my darling
I've talked to my agent and "Crossroads 2" is not out of
the question. There might even be room for you in "Dunston
Checks In ... Again." Or, how about a mbnage-a-trois with
Jason Alexnder cannot be reachedpersonaly, but
instead thrugh his pubicist/ghost-writer
To d iser gt twieruanich.edu
Courtesy of New Line
I actually get to do stuff in this one!
Gross in millions of dollars
1. The Lord of the Rings:
The Return of the King
(28.1) - The biggest surprise
was when Sam got married ...
to a woman.
2. Cheaper by the Dozen
(21.6) - Scott thinks this movie
sucks, but I disagree, I think it
blows. We'll leave that up to the
3. Somiething's Gotta Give
(11.7) - If something's gonna
give it will be Diane Keaton s hip.
4. Cold Mountain (11.5) -
Inman, you can warm my Cold
Mountain anytime, REOW!
5. Paycheck (9.8) - Another
horrible, horrible movie from
Hollywood's worst leading man.
We can't be funny all the time,
we have to report the facts.
6. Peter Pan (8.8) - More
like "Peter Pan-dering." Yeah!
We rule! Next!
7. Mona Lisa Smile (8.3) - I
liked it when it was called "Dead
Poets Society." Or even "The
Emperor's Club," well that
might be a stretch.
. The Last Samurai (7.3) -
I'll take swords for $500.
9. Calendar Girls (4.4) - A
combination of the Golden Girls
and the Spice channel, two of
my favorite fantasies ... wait,
did I say that out loud?
10. Bad Santa (2.9) - How
do you make a movie called
"Ba d Santa" without Tim Allen?
EYE OF THE
(Above) BRETT MOUNTAIN/Dai
The Career Center helps students improve resumes and prepare for interviews.
(Below) JASON COOPER/ Dai
AN INTERN SHIP
By Rebecca Ramsey
Daily Weekend Editor
.................... ........ .....
NEWS IN ENTERTAINMENT
HOT OR NOT?
P. DIDDY'S EMPIRE EXPANDS TO
TELEVISION NETWORKS, SOCIAL
In this week's installment of Diddy
watch, AllHipHop.com reports that P.
Diddy will be teaming up with
Playboy to launch a new music televi-
sion network dubbed "H.Y.P.E. TV,"
which is a ridiculous ancronym for
"Hot Young Persons Entertainment
Television." As expected, the network
will most likely feature nothing but
Mr. Combs himself. We here at
Weekend could not be happier.
DIDDY HIJACKS BOAT, MARY J.
BLIGE AND HUSBAND
In other Diddy-related news, Mr.
Bad Boy himself recently gave good
friend and newlywed Mary J. Blige
the wedding gift of a lifetime: sever-
al weeks of himself. According to the
always hardhitting news source
TeenMusic.com, Diddy booked a
winter cruise for himself and
dragged the new couple along. I
don't know about you, but I would
love to spend my honeymoon with
"MAKING THE BAND" TO
RETURN, THANK GOD
And finally, EurWeb.com reports
that the groundbreaking series
"Making the Band" will return for a
third season. The show began taping
in Atlanta this past November and
will air later this year. Diddyphiles,
and whoever keeps buying "Too Hot
for TV" by Da Band are overjoyed to
see Diddy back in action, doing his
thang. God bless you, Diddy.
Still waiting for that dream job to
arrive to you on a silver platter?
Without doing some work on your
own, chances are that you could be
waiting for a long, long time.
Amidst the current state of
employment scarcity, experience is
key when one seeks to obtain a job.
It has become commonplace for
employers to hire those who have
had prior and related work experi-
ences, and thus, internships are
must-haves for getting ahead in the
job market and students know that
January and February are not too
early to start looking.
Even though a number of intern-
ships are unpaid, and some even
require menial tasks such as making
copies and coffee, these short-term
work experiences, often completed
during the summer, provide benefi-
cial job training and experience in a
desired field or career area. By sim-
ply having an internship, one can
build career networks and find
mentors, gain experience that can-
not be taught in a classroom and
earn letters of reference for future
employment and graduate school.
But for someone to get hold of an
internship, one must be willing to
put forth the effort.
By now, virtually all students are
aware that internships can give
them an edge on their job market
competition. As a result, intern-
ships, paid or unpaid, have become
much harder to acquire and one's
resume and networking skills des-
perately need to grab hold of an
employer's interest. Unfortunately,
many students do not understand
that the process of searching for an
internship is multi-tiered and that it
requires a variety of resources.
"It all sounds so easy at first.
Students tell themselves 'I want to
get a summer job!"' explained Amy
Hoag, coordinator of internship
services at The Career Center. "It
can be a huge and overwhelming
process, but it's not all that diffi-
cult; it just takes time and organiza-
A number of students also fail to
recognize the internship hunt as
their own responsibility. The Career
Center, located inside the Student
Activities Building, changed its
name from Career Planning and
Placement because too many stu-
dents were demanding job place-
ment without pulling their own
weight. Still, students are not left
on their own, as there are many
courses they can take in their search
- they just have to cooperate and
The Career Center is a great
place for students to begin their
internship search. Besides provid-
ing mock interviews, resume cri-
tiques and a library of books on
choosing a career, the Career Cen-
ter offers other helpful agents for
Using MploymentLink, the
Career Center's new online recruit-
ment system, which Hoag describes
as "all-in-one shopping" for career
opportunities, students can search
for job and internship positions and
campus interviews. It is a logical
place for students to conduct their
searches since it allows them to
pinpoint jobs according to industry
and location, therefore, streamlin-
ing the vast amount of results one
could get through Internet searches.
Information about internship pro-
grams can easily be found on com-
pany websites - you just have to
know how to look. Hoag advises
against doing a Yahoo search,
unless you really want a broad
spectrum of job possibilities.
Instead, one should taper their
search to a more specific level, like
researching individual corporations.
Websites for employers such as
NBC, Microsoft and MTV all have
links that provide details about how
one can apply for internships.
Other resources that can be used
through the Career Center are
internship and experiential-learning
websites. Via the many links that
are listed online, one can search for
internship opportunities with com-
panies and organizations like TV
Internships, Environmental Careers
Organization and Wet Feet Intern-
The Career Center also guides
students through University-spon-
sored summer opportunities such as
the Public Service Internship Pro-
gram in Washington and the New
York Arts Program, both having
deadlines in the fall. PSIP offer
selected students the chance tc
explore everything from congres
sional organizations and judicia
offices to museums and broadcas
media jobs. With the New York-
based program, possible employers
range from the Metropolitan Muse-
um of Art to Jazz @ Lincoln Cen
And since many internship dead
lines are looming ahead, the majori
ty around mid-February ani
mid-March, the Career Center i
hosting an Internship Fair on Janu
ary 20 from 2 to 6 p.m. in the
Guaranteed to offer somethinj
for everyone, regardless of clas
standing, the Fair will help student
build networks for future job oppor
tunities and allow them to discus
internship possibilities with 20 to
30 companies. To participate in the
Fair, students must register and can
do so for free that day in the Union
Contrary to popular belief, fresh
men and sophomores are encour
aged to attend the Fair.
"Our first and second-year stu
See INTERNSHIPS, Page 4E