0 0 Amk - AM Allk e 9 10 10B -The Michigan Daily - Weckeod Magazine - Thursday, January 8, 2004 The Michigan Daily - Weekend Mafi ME WEEKEND ENTERTAINMENT 7 JASON ALEXANDER - OSTANZA-ISMS ME SERENITY Now! ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. Courtesy La Face Even Wesley Clark is down with us. BI LLBOARD TOP 10 1. Speakerboxxx/The Love Below, OutKast - Does any- one else think it is crazy that he likes the way I move? . The Diary of Alicia Keys, Alicia Keys - Dear Diary, I'm such an untalented fraud. I hope that no one finds out. 3. NOW That's What I Call Music, Various Artists - The National Organization for Womenais really putting out a lot of songs these days. 4. The Very Best of Sheryl Crow, Sheryl Crow - I'd like to think that the Best of Sheryl Crow is yet to come, and by that I mean she'll stop releasing music. 5. The Singles 1992-2003, No Doubt - What a clever way to disguise a Best of Album with- out actually calling it a Best of. 6. The Black Album, Jay-2 - I was thinking about ,getting the album, but instead I m just gonna get the Black Album phone from Nokia. That thing rules. 7. Fallen, Evanescence - Did you know that McDonald's has all-white nuggets now? 8. Beg for Mercy, G-Unit- No, seriously,they e really, really vervy tastey. '' 9. Shock'N Y'all, Toby Keith - Toby is dogs name, not a name for a reactionary redneck. Note: Never trust a man with two first names. 10. Soulful, Ruben Studdard - I don't care if you are an "American Idol," you still suck. rry, you broke the pact once again! Here I went mar- rying the world's biggest pop superstar and you gave me nothing, Jerry. Nothing! Why does this always happen to me? I'm cursed. That's gotta be it. Cursed, Jerry; cursed! You wanna get nuts? Let's get nutsl My childhood pal Britney is getting all the headlines. Here I am, Jason Alexander, once again left in the dust. The feelings of my high school super-wedgie rush back! The papers are calling her crazy, drunk, trashy. For 55 hours there, I called her Mrs. Alexander. Now, I'm not looking for massive publicity here, I1 already got enough attention when "Bob Patterson" hit (and missed) ABC's lineup a few years back. I just need to tell my side of the story. That's why I've already appeared on "Access Hollywood," "Inside Edition" and "ET" and am planning on appearing on "Behind the Music," "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," "The E! True Hollywood Story:' Britney Spears" and "Becker." After "Seinfeld" ended its run, I moved back home to my hometown of Kentwood, Louisiana. There, my childhood friend, Britney Jeans Spears (or B.. as I like to call her), and I once again grew close. Twenty-two years my junior, she's Soon-Yi to my Woody. You may ask yourself: How could that young, sumptu- ous, breasty, not-so-dirrty, down-home girl marry this fat, bald, unemployed, neurotic, loser of a human being? I simply did the opposite of every instinct I had, and that worked. My Hollywood crush Marisa Tomei once found me attractive. For a little over two days, I had B.J. tricked as well. We're Taking It ip a Notch! It took me over a year to finally get rid of my fiancee Susan (and her dolls). Last Saturday, it took a 20-minute ceremony in Las Vegas to call this not-yet-a-woman my wife. Master of my domain for almost a whole three days, the consummation period lasted about 20 minutes as well. Now she's a woman. B.J. even let me eat a pastrami sandwich and listen to a bowl game while engaged in coitus. It was love, so I thought but I'm getting ahead of myself. In true, traditional Louisiana fashion, B.. got all dressed up: a crop-top, ripped jeans with a white garter and a base- ball cap. I was equally over-dressed in my wife-beater, Von Dutch trucker hat and Wal-Mart sweatpants. Just a normal evening for the IUttle White Weddig Chapel. It was a big night for Vandelay Industries! A very big night! The proudest day of my life. To think I once adopted smoking cigarettes to kill a marriage (toxic envelopes killed that engagement in the end) Worlds are coa!idiug! Jerry, I'm sorry for my ranting. You're happily married now and still it is I, not you, who defy our co-marriage pact. For I am still "Costanza: King of the Idiots"--- even though .my name is Alexander, not Costanza. Costanza was an out-of-work, single, whiny New Yorker. I, Jason Alexander, am not from New York! So there you go, "Seinfeld" fans, when you see me on the street call me by my real name and stop telling me how much the finale sucked. We know it sucked. But it still gets us one-million dollars each time it airs on syndication. Yeah Britney, I never married you for your money. I desired you for the way you danced in the "I'm A Slave 4 U" video and the way you lip-synched your way through your HBO concert special. The idea of faking your way to a corporate paycheck is ruled right here with your ex-hus- band. You were the Estelle to my Frank, the Helen to my Morty, the Elaine to my Jerry. In the annulment papers your lawyers filed the day after "The Night of George," it reads: "Plaintiff Spears lacked understanding of her actions to the extent she was incapable of agreeing to the marriage because before entering in the marriage, the plaintiff and defendant did not know each oth- ers' likes and dislikes, each other's desires to have or not have children, and each others' desires as to a state of resi- dency." My lawyer, Jackie Chiles, spells out my response as so: "Whatever Britney likes, Jason likes; whatever Britney dis- likes, Jason dislikes. Jason desires to perform the act of child-making as often as possible, with children serving as a possible result. For residency, no matter the state, Jason wants to date," It says, "The Moops." I made a mistake. I will do anythingto have my darling BJ. back. I've talked to my agent and "Crossroads 2" is not out of the question. There might even be room for you in "Dunston Checks In ... Again." Or, how about a mbnage-a-trois with Justin Timberlake? Jason Alexnder cannot be reachedpersonaly, but instead thrugh his pubicist/ghost-writer To d iser gt twieruanich.edu Courtesy of New Line I actually get to do stuff in this one! WEEKEND BORX OFFICE Gross in millions of dollars 1. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (28.1) - The biggest surprise was when Sam got married ... to a woman. 2. Cheaper by the Dozen (21.6) - Scott thinks this movie sucks, but I disagree, I think it blows. We'll leave that up to the physics professors. 3. Somiething's Gotta Give (11.7) - If something's gonna give it will be Diane Keaton s hip. 4. Cold Mountain (11.5) - Inman, you can warm my Cold Mountain anytime, REOW! 5. Paycheck (9.8) - Another horrible, horrible movie from Hollywood's worst leading man. We can't be funny all the time, we have to report the facts. 6. Peter Pan (8.8) - More like "Peter Pan-dering." Yeah! We rule! Next! 7. Mona Lisa Smile (8.3) - I liked it when it was called "Dead Poets Society." Or even "The Emperor's Club," well that might be a stretch. . The Last Samurai (7.3) - I'll take swords for $500. 9. Calendar Girls (4.4) - A combination of the Golden Girls and the Spice channel, two of my favorite fantasies ... wait, did I say that out loud? 10. Bad Santa (2.9) - How do you make a movie called "Ba d Santa" without Tim Allen? ,° xs; < :w: >:> :<. EYE OF THE (Above) BRETT MOUNTAIN/Dai The Career Center helps students improve resumes and prepare for interviews. (Below) JASON COOPER/ Dai EMPLOYER: GETTING AN INTERN SHIP By Rebecca Ramsey Daily Weekend Editor .................................. .................... ........ ..... . ........ NEWS IN ENTERTAINMENT HOT OR NOT? P. DIDDY'S EMPIRE EXPANDS TO TELEVISION NETWORKS, SOCIAL SECURITY REFORM In this week's installment of Diddy watch, AllHipHop.com reports that P. Diddy will be teaming up with Playboy to launch a new music televi- sion network dubbed "H.Y.P.E. TV," which is a ridiculous ancronym for "Hot Young Persons Entertainment Television." As expected, the network will most likely feature nothing but Mr. Combs himself. We here at Weekend could not be happier. DIDDY HIJACKS BOAT, MARY J. BLIGE AND HUSBAND In other Diddy-related news, Mr. Bad Boy himself recently gave good friend and newlywed Mary J. Blige the wedding gift of a lifetime: sever- al weeks of himself. According to the always hardhitting news source TeenMusic.com, Diddy booked a winter cruise for himself and dragged the new couple along. I don't know about you, but I would love to spend my honeymoon with Puffy. "MAKING THE BAND" TO RETURN, THANK GOD And finally, EurWeb.com reports that the groundbreaking series "Making the Band" will return for a third season. The show began taping in Atlanta this past November and will air later this year. Diddyphiles, and whoever keeps buying "Too Hot for TV" by Da Band are overjoyed to see Diddy back in action, doing his thang. God bless you, Diddy. Still waiting for that dream job to arrive to you on a silver platter? Without doing some work on your own, chances are that you could be waiting for a long, long time. Amidst the current state of employment scarcity, experience is key when one seeks to obtain a job. It has become commonplace for employers to hire those who have had prior and related work experi- ences, and thus, internships are must-haves for getting ahead in the job market and students know that January and February are not too early to start looking. Even though a number of intern- ships are unpaid, and some even require menial tasks such as making copies and coffee, these short-term work experiences, often completed during the summer, provide benefi- cial job training and experience in a desired field or career area. By sim- ply having an internship, one can build career networks and find mentors, gain experience that can- not be taught in a classroom and earn letters of reference for future employment and graduate school. But for someone to get hold of an internship, one must be willing to put forth the effort. By now, virtually all students are aware that internships can give them an edge on their job market competition. As a result, intern- ships, paid or unpaid, have become much harder to acquire and one's resume and networking skills des- perately need to grab hold of an employer's interest. Unfortunately, many students do not understand that the process of searching for an internship is multi-tiered and that it requires a variety of resources. "It all sounds so easy at first. Students tell themselves 'I want to get a summer job!"' explained Amy Hoag, coordinator of internship services at The Career Center. "It can be a huge and overwhelming process, but it's not all that diffi- cult; it just takes time and organiza- tion." A number of students also fail to recognize the internship hunt as their own responsibility. The Career Center, located inside the Student Activities Building, changed its name from Career Planning and Placement because too many stu- dents were demanding job place- ment without pulling their own weight. Still, students are not left on their own, as there are many courses they can take in their search - they just have to cooperate and be patient. The Career Center is a great place for students to begin their internship search. Besides provid- ing mock interviews, resume cri- tiques and a library of books on choosing a career, the Career Cen- ter offers other helpful agents for finding internships. Using MploymentLink, the Career Center's new online recruit- ment system, which Hoag describes as "all-in-one shopping" for career opportunities, students can search for job and internship positions and campus interviews. It is a logical place for students to conduct their searches since it allows them to pinpoint jobs according to industry and location, therefore, streamlin- ing the vast amount of results one could get through Internet searches. Information about internship pro- grams can easily be found on com- pany websites - you just have to know how to look. Hoag advises against doing a Yahoo search, unless you really want a broad spectrum of job possibilities. Instead, one should taper their search to a more specific level, like researching individual corporations. Websites for employers such as NBC, Microsoft and MTV all have links that provide details about how one can apply for internships. Other resources that can be used through the Career Center are internship and experiential-learning websites. Via the many links that are listed online, one can search for internship opportunities with com- panies and organizations like TV Internships, Environmental Careers Organization and Wet Feet Intern- ship Programs. The Career Center also guides students through University-spon- sored summer opportunities such as the Public Service Internship Pro- gram in Washington and the New York Arts Program, both having deadlines in the fall. PSIP offer selected students the chance tc explore everything from congres sional organizations and judicia offices to museums and broadcas media jobs. With the New York- based program, possible employers range from the Metropolitan Muse- um of Art to Jazz @ Lincoln Cen ter. And since many internship dead lines are looming ahead, the majori ty around mid-February ani mid-March, the Career Center i hosting an Internship Fair on Janu ary 20 from 2 to 6 p.m. in the Michigan Union. Guaranteed to offer somethinj for everyone, regardless of clas standing, the Fair will help student build networks for future job oppor tunities and allow them to discus internship possibilities with 20 to 30 companies. To participate in the Fair, students must register and can do so for free that day in the Union Contrary to popular belief, fresh men and sophomores are encour aged to attend the Fair. "Our first and second-year stu See INTERNSHIPS, Page 4E 11 i | i I II