January 30, 2004
©2004 The Michigan Daily
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Vol. CXIII, No. 86
Enjoying one-MILLION years ofeditorialfreedom, and your mom
It's going to
be butt cold
W'ho crar s
III I m
Rovers detect water as
probe for microbial, al-
Qaida cells commences
PASADENA, Calif. (JAY-Z) - Data
released yesterday from NASA's team of
Mars rovers reveal the presence of oil and
herion along with other promising indica-
tions that the red planet indeed a reality a
Hailed by those in the scientific world
as a "freakin'jackpot" a bounty of organ-
ic materials - including carbon, nitro-
gen, oil, gold and magical beans - were
detected in a routine soil experiment by
the Opportunity rover which touched
down on Mars earlier this week.
"I told you so," said Little Jack Horner,
a former NASA Mars exploration pro-
A member of the 1976 team that
launched the Mars Viking probes, Homer
has been trying to convince the space
agency of "wondrous, fanastical" poten-
tial on Mars ever since probe results
detected the release of oxygen when
water was added to the Martian soil.
Levin said that since the presence of
water and microbial cells have been con-
firmed on the planet, the U.S. now faces
the possibility that other larger and more
deadly life forms such as al-Qaida terror
cells may be thriving in craters and rocky
hillsides of the Gusev Crater where the
now-crippled Spirit rover is stationed.
"The real kicker now is the potential
threat to national security," Levin said.
President Bush said in a statement last
night that the space agency should take
every precaution to "ensure the safety,
liberty and freedom of those on Mars."
A senior administration official said
plans for a terror probe on the red planet
are m progress.
"I think (NASA's) worst nightmare
would be if (Osama Bin Laden) decided
to tamper with our rovers," NASA
spokesman Vincent Tsao said.
In a written statement, NASA said it
was a good idea to have installed two
Yamato ray guns and garlic cloves to the
side panels of each rover.
"Having a stable defense mechanism
was one of our priorities," NASA said.
NASA staff morale has remained
unchanged in the face of the terror threat.
"For most of the day, while we wait for
(high-resolution photographs of Martian
bedrock), we watch Old School on the
See MARS, Page 7
slain outside Rick's
East Coast-Midwest n7ft explodes intofirst violent tragedy
By J to the Webizzle
and J to the Braidizzle
Daily Fraternity/Sorority beat
The tension between University
students from the East Coast and the
Midwest reached an unfortunate
boiling point outside Rick's Jewish-
American Caf6eWednesday night.
Three Jewish sorority girls were
pronounced dead after five gunshots
rang out at approximately 2:12.05
a.m. LSA juniors Sarah Rosenberg,
Sarah Rosenbaum and Sarah Rosen-
wasser became the first victims in
the rift that has taken the campus by
storm since the Daily first shed light
on the issue earlier this fall.
Rosenberg and Rosenbaum, who
hailed from Long Island, "deserved
what they got," according to Mid-
western LSA junior Mike Smith. But
Rosenwasser, a Jew that hails from
California, was "caught in the wrong
place at the wrong time," Smith said.
"This is between East Coasters
and Midwesterners," Smith said. "It's
a shame that the girl from California
had to get it, too."
"We were standing outside Rick's
like we always do after the bah clos-
es, and all of a sudden, these Mid-
western guys flashed the M (the
inverted West Coast sign) and called
us 'fuckin' japs,' " said LSA junior
Sarah Rosenbagger, who was not
murdered last night despite being a
Jew from the East Coast.
"We felt really disrespected, so me
and my best friends, we called them
uneducated slobs. That's when things
really got out of control."
Rosenbagger said that one of the
Midwesterners, wearing a Detroit
Pistons "Going to Work" T-shirt,
went to work by pulling out a hand-
gun and firing away at the group of
When asked for their account of
the tragedy, the simple-minded
Midwesterns could only mutter:
The scene of the crime outside
Rick's consisted of a ravaged Pizza
House chicken caesar chipati and the
box that carried it.
"I saw that bitch with the chipati
and knew who was going to get it,"
said Bubba Smith, a self-described
"slob,' saying he is "proud of it until
"I hopped on the ground and tried
to finish up the chipati that was left,
but the Midwesterners kicked me in
the ass and stuffed a burger down my
throat," Rosenbagger said. "I'm
going to be sick tomorrow"
The Daily brought this issue to
the forefront in an October expose
that stated Jewish East Coast kids
think Midwesterners are "slobs,"
and Midwesterners think Jewish
East Coast kids are "snobs." This
groundbreaking piece of journal-
ism has raised awareness of the rift
to an all-time high.
"I walk around campus, and every
time I hear the Michigan 'A' coming
out of someone's voice, I yell, 'You
fuckin' Protestant cracker!!!!' " said
Sarah Rosenrichbitch. "All East
Coast students are on a red alert
when it comes to the Midwesterners'
prejudice and hatred towards us."
Midwesterns think that Easterners
are planning revenge. One person
speaking on behalf of all East Coast-
See CHIPATIS, Page 7
Two police chalk outlines show the demise of two abnormally skinny sorority girls. Witnesses say the students really
enjoyed chicken caesar chipatis, preferably from Pizza House. Witnesses also say the girls paid with Visa.
Cheating scandal rocks B-School, rankings plunge
By Arrogant Ass
Scandal rocked the Business School
yesterday when the Monroe Street Jour-
nal revealed that cheating has been the
key to the business program's success.
A story in Monday's edition
reported that 59 percent of all home-
work assignments at the University
are copied by sub-par students, who
are too lazy to actually do any of the
work assigned to them.
This is accomplished by down-
loading completed assignments,
which are saved on to the Universi-
ty's R drive server.
"They think we use the R drive for
group work, but it
was a fucking
gold mine for
cheaters like me,"
"As long as one
does the OM
homework, I never
had to do a damn thing."
added: "Now that the R drive has
been exposed, I'm going to have to
transfer to Michigan State - so I can
learn to read."_
This news was especially damaging
to the B-school's ratings, which have
been adjusted to reflect the true knowl-
edge of all Business School students.
"In light of these recent revelations,
we are dropping Michigan to No. 764
on our list of undergraduate business
programs," said Richie Rich, The Wall
Street Journal's education editor.
Michigan now sits between Grand
Valley State and Washtenaw Communi-
ty College in the rankings.
"Widespread cheating is one
thing," said Business School Dean
"But I will not sit
idly by and allow
us to slip in the",(
rankings. We will f ~
establish a new
commission to T
help us return to
our rightful place
as one of the
nation's top busi-
Fortunately for the graduating sen-
iors, most of them have already
scammed their way into high-paying
jobs. "All you LSA bitches may know
how to do math and shit, but I'm going
to be making 60 grand next year," said
Mark Duprey. "Suck on that."
Despite the current scandal, sev-
eral members of the Michigan fac-
ulty remain optimistic about the
"We have systematically taught
these kids how to succeed in the
business world: lie, cheat, and
steal," said Adair Klemstine. "I'm
confident that these kids will find
another way to inflate their qualifi-
"The Animal" Jones
Evil twins seize control of the 'U,'
but nobody can tell the difference
By Dean Howard
Daily Monkey Trainer
Jebus! My nuts are in my throat. Oh the pain, the horrible pain. Think of the
children, who shall now never be born, or will have to sing soprano.
White girl discovers 'secret'
benefits of affirmative action
The University community was stunned
late Wednesday when a brigade of evil
twins from a parallel universe calling them-
selves "The Legion of Sensible Corrup-
tion," seized control of the Fleming
Administration Building and deposed their
real world counterparts.
The rash of doppelgangers promptly
took control of classrooms and offices
around campus, subverting traditional
Wolverine values and twisting them to
their own sick ends.
"Let the reign of blood and apprehension
begin now," said the new self-proclaimed
"University Pope For Life," Sue Mary Cole-
man, speaking from her sinister lair atop the
freshly erected malevolence Red Square-
esque domes on top of the Angell Hall.
"Power is mine, foolish academics and
students! My iron fist of ... well, of iron,
but also of SUPREMACY will control your
pitiful existences." At this point a bolt of
lightening cracked ominously through the
sky and Sue Mary cackled wickedly for a
full four minutes before continuing.
"Starting Monday, we will be instituting
our deadly plan of destruction code-
named 'Vulture Heart.' First, we will
immediately begin shifting money away
from the practical Natural Sciences to
start ruthlessly funding the Liberal Arts!
The Musical Theater program will be tak-
ing over the Chemistry Building, and
Comparative Lit. shall be move right into
the newly constructed LSI facilities.
Chaos will rule - muhahahahahaha!"
New basketball coach Timmy Amaker
By Russain Hahim
Daily Midwestern Ho Trainer
In a bizarre turn of events, a traditional
Midwestern, middle class white girl had a
sudden change of heart about the University's
race-conscious admission policy.
Even after the initial fear of her best
friends losing key admission spots to under-
qualified minorities came true, Mary-Beth
Hydeman bid a tearful farewell to her pals
Beckie Anderson and Sue-Ann Joehandson
when they were rejected school from the Uni-
with Beckie and Sue, I don't think it's fair
they let black people in this school!"
After shooting menacing glares at minori-
ties for most of the first semester, she met a
reported "super cool black guy."
"He kinda waved at me and I thought it was
some sorta gang sign or new slang signal. But
one day he asked me to study and I was like,
'Wow! They study too.' Then I saw the bulge
in his pants."
After several late night "hang-out" sessions
with her new friend Jamal Jenkins, Bethanie
was singing a new tune - "a little more R.
Courtsey o!flobody you care about
Evil Twin Sue Mary Coleman took control of the University this week, but seeing as the real Mary
Sue Coleman was already screwing students over, nobody seemed to care at all.
the court, we will start trying to score and
perhaps even to win! Be afraid, be very
afraid!" said the evil twin, who sported a
horrifying tie and suit instead of a whole-
some, non-threatening mock turtleneck.
Friday morning, the villainously goateed
Mark Lassiter, taking over for American
history professor and Golden Apple winner
race. Dude, it was loco!
Seriously I was going to write some-
thing about English Prof. Ron Williams
flaying his freakishly small hands to and
fro but fuck it. You aren't reading anyways
... I need a drink ... I definitely need a
<The premise of this joke is that the evil