,{A , Friday January 30, 2004 Jeopardy! ©2004 The Michigan Daily Ann Arbor, Michigan Vol. CXIII, No. 86 Enjoying one-MILLION years ofeditorialfreedom, and your mom TDAY, It's going to be butt cold leave the warmth of your home. 'Nuff said. Tomorrow: W'ho crar s wwwmichigandailycom III I m Mars rover bites dust Batlebots title match Rovers detect water as probe for microbial, al- Qaida cells commences PASADENA, Calif. (JAY-Z) - Data released yesterday from NASA's team of Mars rovers reveal the presence of oil and herion along with other promising indica- tions that the red planet indeed a reality a possibility Hailed by those in the scientific world as a "freakin'jackpot" a bounty of organ- ic materials - including carbon, nitro- gen, oil, gold and magical beans - were detected in a routine soil experiment by the Opportunity rover which touched down on Mars earlier this week. "I told you so," said Little Jack Horner, a former NASA Mars exploration pro- gram scientist. A member of the 1976 team that launched the Mars Viking probes, Homer has been trying to convince the space agency of "wondrous, fanastical" poten- tial on Mars ever since probe results detected the release of oxygen when water was added to the Martian soil. Levin said that since the presence of water and microbial cells have been con- firmed on the planet, the U.S. now faces the possibility that other larger and more deadly life forms such as al-Qaida terror cells may be thriving in craters and rocky hillsides of the Gusev Crater where the now-crippled Spirit rover is stationed. "The real kicker now is the potential threat to national security," Levin said. President Bush said in a statement last night that the space agency should take every precaution to "ensure the safety, liberty and freedom of those on Mars." A senior administration official said plans for a terror probe on the red planet are m progress. "I think (NASA's) worst nightmare would be if (Osama Bin Laden) decided to tamper with our rovers," NASA spokesman Vincent Tsao said. In a written statement, NASA said it was a good idea to have installed two Yamato ray guns and garlic cloves to the side panels of each rover. "Having a stable defense mechanism was one of our priorities," NASA said. NASA staff morale has remained unchanged in the face of the terror threat. "For most of the day, while we wait for (high-resolution photographs of Martian bedrock), we watch Old School on the See MARS, Page 7 Three 'snobs' slain outside Rick's U 6 a East Coast-Midwest n7ft explodes intofirst violent tragedy By J to the Webizzle and J to the Braidizzle Daily Fraternity/Sorority beat The tension between University students from the East Coast and the Midwest reached an unfortunate boiling point outside Rick's Jewish- American Caf6eWednesday night. Three Jewish sorority girls were pronounced dead after five gunshots rang out at approximately 2:12.05 a.m. LSA juniors Sarah Rosenberg, Sarah Rosenbaum and Sarah Rosen- wasser became the first victims in the rift that has taken the campus by storm since the Daily first shed light on the issue earlier this fall. Rosenberg and Rosenbaum, who hailed from Long Island, "deserved what they got," according to Mid- western LSA junior Mike Smith. But Rosenwasser, a Jew that hails from California, was "caught in the wrong place at the wrong time," Smith said. "This is between East Coasters and Midwesterners," Smith said. "It's a shame that the girl from California had to get it, too." "We were standing outside Rick's like we always do after the bah clos- es, and all of a sudden, these Mid- western guys flashed the M (the inverted West Coast sign) and called us 'fuckin' japs,' " said LSA junior Sarah Rosenbagger, who was not murdered last night despite being a Jew from the East Coast. "We felt really disrespected, so me and my best friends, we called them uneducated slobs. That's when things really got out of control." Rosenbagger said that one of the Midwesterners, wearing a Detroit Pistons "Going to Work" T-shirt, went to work by pulling out a hand- gun and firing away at the group of East Coasters. When asked for their account of the tragedy, the simple-minded Midwesterns could only mutter: "Uh, yeah." The scene of the crime outside Rick's consisted of a ravaged Pizza House chicken caesar chipati and the box that carried it. "I saw that bitch with the chipati and knew who was going to get it," said Bubba Smith, a self-described "slob,' saying he is "proud of it until his death." "I hopped on the ground and tried to finish up the chipati that was left, but the Midwesterners kicked me in the ass and stuffed a burger down my throat," Rosenbagger said. "I'm going to be sick tomorrow" The Daily brought this issue to the forefront in an October expose that stated Jewish East Coast kids think Midwesterners are "slobs," and Midwesterners think Jewish East Coast kids are "snobs." This groundbreaking piece of journal- ism has raised awareness of the rift to an all-time high. "I walk around campus, and every time I hear the Michigan 'A' coming out of someone's voice, I yell, 'You fuckin' Protestant cracker!!!!' " said Sarah Rosenrichbitch. "All East Coast students are on a red alert when it comes to the Midwesterners' prejudice and hatred towards us." Midwesterns think that Easterners are planning revenge. One person speaking on behalf of all East Coast- See CHIPATIS, Page 7 0 ULMJLu,ouuuoMIvvAL/Daily pimps Two police chalk outlines show the demise of two abnormally skinny sorority girls. Witnesses say the students really enjoyed chicken caesar chipatis, preferably from Pizza House. Witnesses also say the girls paid with Visa. Cheating scandal rocks B-School, rankings plunge By Arrogant Ass Daily StaffReporter Scandal rocked the Business School yesterday when the Monroe Street Jour- nal revealed that cheating has been the key to the business program's success. A story in Monday's edition reported that 59 percent of all home- work assignments at the University are copied by sub-par students, who are too lazy to actually do any of the work assigned to them. This is accomplished by down- loading completed assignments, which are saved on to the Universi- ty's R drive server. "They think we use the R drive for group work, but it was a fucking gold mine for cheaters like me," said Business School junior' Daniel "Packard Cup" Johnson. "As long as one nerdy assclown does the OM homework, I never had to do a damn thing." added: "Now that the R drive has been exposed, I'm going to have to transfer to Michigan State - so I can learn to read."_ This news was especially damaging to the B-school's ratings, which have been adjusted to reflect the true knowl- edge of all Business School students. "In light of these recent revelations, we are dropping Michigan to No. 764 on our list of undergraduate business programs," said Richie Rich, The Wall Street Journal's education editor. Michigan now sits between Grand Valley State and Washtenaw Communi- ty College in the rankings. "Widespread cheating is one thing," said Business School Dean Robert Dolan. "But I will not sit idly by and allow us to slip in the",( rankings. We will f ~ establish a new commission to T help us return to our rightful place as one of the nation's top busi- ness schools." Fortunately for the graduating sen- iors, most of them have already scammed their way into high-paying jobs. "All you LSA bitches may know how to do math and shit, but I'm going to be making 60 grand next year," said Mark Duprey. "Suck on that." Despite the current scandal, sev- eral members of the Michigan fac- ulty remain optimistic about the school's future. "We have systematically taught these kids how to succeed in the business world: lie, cheat, and steal," said Adair Klemstine. "I'm confident that these kids will find another way to inflate their qualifi- cations." 6 Junior Bob "The Animal" Jones Evil twins seize control of the 'U,' but nobody can tell the difference By Dean Howard Daily Monkey Trainer Jerk~-off McGee/Daily Jebus! My nuts are in my throat. Oh the pain, the horrible pain. Think of the children, who shall now never be born, or will have to sing soprano. White girl discovers 'secret' benefits of affirmative action The University community was stunned late Wednesday when a brigade of evil twins from a parallel universe calling them- selves "The Legion of Sensible Corrup- tion," seized control of the Fleming Administration Building and deposed their real world counterparts. The rash of doppelgangers promptly took control of classrooms and offices around campus, subverting traditional Wolverine values and twisting them to their own sick ends. "Let the reign of blood and apprehension begin now," said the new self-proclaimed "University Pope For Life," Sue Mary Cole- man, speaking from her sinister lair atop the freshly erected malevolence Red Square- esque domes on top of the Angell Hall. "Power is mine, foolish academics and students! My iron fist of ... well, of iron, but also of SUPREMACY will control your pitiful existences." At this point a bolt of lightening cracked ominously through the sky and Sue Mary cackled wickedly for a full four minutes before continuing. "Starting Monday, we will be instituting our deadly plan of destruction code- named 'Vulture Heart.' First, we will immediately begin shifting money away from the practical Natural Sciences to start ruthlessly funding the Liberal Arts! The Musical Theater program will be tak- ing over the Chemistry Building, and Comparative Lit. shall be move right into the newly constructed LSI facilities. Chaos will rule - muhahahahahaha!" New basketball coach Timmy Amaker By Russain Hahim Daily Midwestern Ho Trainer In a bizarre turn of events, a traditional Midwestern, middle class white girl had a sudden change of heart about the University's race-conscious admission policy. Even after the initial fear of her best friends losing key admission spots to under- qualified minorities came true, Mary-Beth Hydeman bid a tearful farewell to her pals Beckie Anderson and Sue-Ann Joehandson when they were rejected school from the Uni- with Beckie and Sue, I don't think it's fair they let black people in this school!" After shooting menacing glares at minori- ties for most of the first semester, she met a reported "super cool black guy." "He kinda waved at me and I thought it was some sorta gang sign or new slang signal. But one day he asked me to study and I was like, 'Wow! They study too.' Then I saw the bulge in his pants." After several late night "hang-out" sessions with her new friend Jamal Jenkins, Bethanie was singing a new tune - "a little more R. Courtsey o!flobody you care about Evil Twin Sue Mary Coleman took control of the University this week, but seeing as the real Mary Sue Coleman was already screwing students over, nobody seemed to care at all. the court, we will start trying to score and perhaps even to win! Be afraid, be very afraid!" said the evil twin, who sported a horrifying tie and suit instead of a whole- some, non-threatening mock turtleneck. Friday morning, the villainously goateed Mark Lassiter, taking over for American history professor and Golden Apple winner race. Dude, it was loco! Seriously I was going to write some- thing about English Prof. Ron Williams flaying his freakishly small hands to and fro but fuck it. You aren't reading anyways ... I need a drink ... I definitely need a drink.