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2B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine - Thursday, January 22, 2004
Random wants Martha punished, Serena for king

The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazim

A guide to who's where,
what's happening and why
you need to be there ...
Films opening

The Weekend List

By Scott Serilla
Daily Arts Editor
Random: Hello?
The Michigan Daily: Hi is Ann
there?
R: No. Can I take a message?
TMD: Who is this?
R: Rachel.
TMD: Well Rachel, how would you
like to be this week's "Random
Student Interview?"
R: OK!
TMD: First Question ... are you
ready? Have you ever Googled your
own name?
R: Yes.
TMD: What came up?
R: A lot of sport things from high
school. Soccer and volleyball, but
soccer was primarily what came up.
TMD: Where do you like to study
on campus?
R: The Asian - aw shoot! I can tell
you, but I kinda don't want it to be
published: the Asian Library.
TMD: In the UGLi? Everyone
knows that.
R: No! I thought I was the only one.
Wait ... (To someone else) I need my
camera. I think it's under there.
TMD: What was that about? Are
you two-timing on me?
R: My friend came in. She's rear-
ranging her room.
TMD: Oh, that's cool. So who do
you like in New Hampshire?
R: Mmm no one. (Off phone again)
Katie who do you like in New
Hampshire? Well ... I don't know,
look at all the clothes!
TMD: Hey ... FOCUS RACHEL!
R: OK, OK. I'm back, here we go.
TMD: Jeez ... do you miss snow
days?
R: Oh my gawd, yes! But my high
school didn't have that many so I'm
kinda used to going to school in

ridiculous weather conditions.
TMD: Why didn't you have more
snow days?
R: I don't know. Our principal was
psychotic. Everybody around us in
our district did and we just didn't. We
were like chucking ourselves in the
snow. So I don't know what it's like to
miss snow days because I never had
them.
TMD: How many hours do you
sleep a night?
R: Um, I'd say eight to seven.
TMD: You're doing something
wrong if you're getting that much
sleep.
R: Well, I'm a scheduling genius.
TMD: Share some of your genius-
y secrets for the folks at home.
R: Sure. Well my first class starts at
one and I'm done at four.
TMD: Every day? How does that
work?
R: The mastermind of scheduling
- you don't really focus on the class-
es you want necessarily, but rather the
most desirable time.
TMD: You don't care what you take
as long as it's at a good time, correct?
That sounds dangerous. OK, quiz. I'll
name the celebrity, you tell me whether
they are guilty or innocent, K?
R: Yep.
TMD: Kobe?
R: Guilty.
TMD: Michael Jackson?
R: Guilty.
TMD: Courtney Love?
R: She is guilty.
TMD: Harrison Ford?
R: Innocent!
TMD: Presumed innocent.
Whitesnake?
R: Innocent.
TMD: Nope guilty ... of love. Billy
Joel?
R: Innocent.
TMD: Innocent man.

TMD: Mystikal?
R: Guilty.
TMD: Martha Stewart?
R: Guilty.
TMD: Alright let's forget about the
"cruel and unusual" clause of the Bill
of Rights for a minute. How should
Martha be punished? What would be
fitting for a homemaker extraordi-
naire?
R: Take her into a fabric store, and
tell her she can only look at shit, but
she can't buy anything.
TMD: So you're not going to put
her to death, but you're definitely
going to drive her insane.
R: Yeah, then have her cook really
great meals, but don't let her eat them.
My phone is about to run out of bat-
teries. I might cut out.
TMD: Well, we'll press ahead, but
if I lose you, its been nice talking to
you. This will run in Thursday's
Weekend Magazine. OK, did you
watch the State of the Union address
Tuesday?
R: No, but I did go to the Arts
Break in the Union.
TMD: Oh, what was last night's
craft?
R: We made jewelry. I made like a
beaded alligator necklace.
TMD: Oh that sounds cool. Hey let
me ask you, Rachel, how did that help
the country?
R: It didn't but it helped me. That's
like almost as important I think.
TMD: Did any friends play the
State of the Union drinking game?
R: How do you play?
TMD: There were many rules, but
every time Bush mentioned Mars you
had to chug.
R: What?
TMD: Didn't you know we're
going to Mars? The president said so.
R: Cool. Mars looks like a cool
place. I took astronomy and we

learned all about it.
TMD: Who did you take astrono-
my with?
R: Matayo.
TMD: Oh, I hear he or she is good.
Do we really need to go to Mars?
What's in it for you and me?
R: We can build our future together
from scratch. We're blowing ourselves
up on this planet so we can have a
fresh start on another.
TMD: Umm, OK. Given recent
events, we're giving up democracy.
R: Awesome.
TMD: Yeah, it didn't take. Who do
you want for King of America? It can
be anybody.
R: Mmm ... you!
TMD: No, no. I pass on the crown.
Pick somebody who is going to be
able to do a good job.
R: Good job? I want ...
TMD: (Cough) Oprah (cough).
R: No!
TMD: She's the likely candidate.
R: I want Serena Williams. 'Cause
she can beat anyone she wants up
and win.
TMD: She is huge.
TMD: Do you have a nickname?
R: People call me Rach sometimes.
Oh, but when I was younger, I had a
lisp and so people mocked me and
called me 'Wachow.'
TMD: So Wachow, what's in youw
CD playaw wight now?
R: Currently, Jackson 5.
TMD: So, you still like his music
even though you think he's guilty.
R: Well he wasn't guilty when he
was eight!
TMD: Well, he was guilty of one
thing: being adorable. What snack
food can you not live without?
R: Hmm, apples and peanut butter.
TMD: That's way too healthy of a
choice. I'm talking junk food.
R: I'm going to go with Doritos,

Nacho Cheese. Cooler Ranch is dis-
gusting.
TMD: The blue bag? Was it always
the last snack-pack bag that was left at
the end of the week that your mom
would force into your lunch because
all the other stuff was gone?
R: Totally!
TMD: Aw, and you'd be all disap-
pointed and you'd try to trade them
away but nobody would listen.
R: It was the low down, I mean the
down low ...
TMD: It was the low point? The
down low is something else. Rach, in
case you can't tell I'm very street, so
when you misuse my lingo I get very
upset.
R: Got it.
TMD: It's cool. I don't have a
'beef' with you.
R: Thanks 'dawg.'
Jiwon Lee, Niamh Slevin, Anthea
Stolz
Photo Editors: Tony Ding, Brett
Mountain
Photographers: Dory Gannes,
Eugene Robertson, Laura Shlecter,
David Tuman
Cover Art: Dory Gannes
Arts Editors: Todd Weiser,
Managing Editor, Jason Roberts,
Scott Serilla, Editors
Editor in Chief: Louie Meizlish

i

The Butefly Effect Who would've
thought that Ashton Kutcher, with his
insanely busy domestic life, would even
have the time to make another movie?
It must not be easy supporting a girl-
friend who's nearing retirement age
and her kids, who are all probably older
than he is. At Showcase: 1:10, 1:40,
4:15, 4:45, 7:10, 7:40, 9:40, 10:10,
12:05 (Fri. and Sat), 12:35 (Fri. and Sat).

Win a Date with Tad Hamilton Is
there some kind of gimmick to this
concept? It better not be a stinky teen
comedy about a girl going to meet her
favoriteboy star but then falling in love
with her dorkier friend. They better
have some cool, messed up ending to
make up for such a crappy story. At
Showcase:.12:40, 2:50, 5:05, 7:20,
9:30, 11:45.

Films holding

21 Grams Alejandro Gonzalez
Inarritu likes to flaunt the fact that none
of his movies has any plot. He just likes
to make cool characters and then have
them meet in weird, chance ways.
That's not how we do it in America,
bub. Get with the program. At
Showcase: 3:40, 6:20, 9:00, 11:35.
Along Came Polly More like, along
came Ben Stiller who decided to ruin
his career by acting in worthless
romantic comedies. Jennifer Anniston
shouldn't be treated very kindly, either.
From "Office Space," to "Bruce
Almighty," to this, she's played the role
of moronic female sidekick one too
many times. At Showcase: 12:45, 1:15,
3:00, 3:30, 5:10, 5:40, 7:15, 7:45,
9:20, 9:50,11:30, Midnight.
Big Fish Oh, so there's something to
the movie besides Tim Burton's creative
touch? It's not just supposed to viewed
as two unbelievable hours of him mak-
ing up weird stuff? Hmm ... At
Showcase: 1:00, 3:30,4:10,4:40, 7:05,
7:35, 9:45, 10:15, 12:30 (Fri. and Sat.).
At Madstone: 1:05, 4:30, 7:10, 9:45.
Chasing Liberty Maybe people
would enjoy Mandy Moore if all her
movies weren't so disgustingly similar.
Wouldn't this be much more enjoy-
able if Liberty were being chased by
rabid animals or sadistic madmen,
rather than by a sappy love interest? At
Showcase: 12:50.
Cheaper by the Dozen Ah, how
lovely - Ashton Kutcher rears his pret-
ty little head twice on the same list.
Now the question is: why is Steve
Martin involving himself with petty
punks like Mr. Demi Moore? At
Showcase: 12:10, 2:20, 4:30, 6:50,
9:05, 11:15.
Cold Mountain How can you, as a
moviemaker, err when you're using
roles by Philip Seymour Hoffman,
Donald Sutherland and Natalie
Portman as pointless space filler? The
answer is that you can't. At Showcase:
12:35, 3:35, 6:35, 9:35, 12:25 (Fri.
and Sat.). At Madstone: 1:00, 4:00,
7:00, 10:00.
The Cooler Say what you will about
William H. Macy's extraordinary
expertise behind a camera. It'ssbaring
his little tushy on screen that is really
going to take him places. At
Madstone: 1:10, 3:15, 5:20, 7:25,
9:30.
The Last Samurai This movie focus-
es entirely too much on the white man
and his silly culture. A big budget
opportunity to explore the amazing-
ness of ninjas or their samurai
brethren must be used more wisely. At
Showcase: 12:05, 3:10, 6:15, :25,
12:20 (Fri. and Sat.).
The Lord of the Rings: The
Return of the King Yes, there is
finally another good king. All the evil

forces are gone, and all the hobbits are
comfortably and safely enjoying
Hobbiton. Now move on with our
lives, people. At Showcase: Noon,
2:00, 4:00, 7:00, 8:00, 10:00, 11:00.
Lost in Translation The success of this
film is very curious, indeed. Can subtle
interplay between Billnand Scarlettsreally
be that great? No, it can't. That's why the
charming and unknowingly funny folk
of Tokyo were added to the equation. At
Madstone: 1:20, 3:20, 5:20, 7:20, 9:20.
Master and Commander Come
watch Aussie-boy ride around in his
big boat, and try to make sense of a
weird subplot about a potential rival to
Chazz Darwin. At Madstone: 1:00,
3:30, 7:00, 9:40.
Mona Lisa Smile Is any group of
people satisfied with this ornate piece
of trash? It should offend feminists at
their core, and a movie about femi-
nists, in general, should be enough to
annoy everyone else. At Showcase:
6:45, 9:15, 11:50.
My Babys Daddy This is a testa-
ment to the ingenuity that can result
when three great minds think collec-
tively. And it's got many of the usually
awesome Ed die Griffin jokes about
white dudes. At Showcase: 1:25, 3:25,
5:35, 8:10, 10:25, 12:15 (Fri. and Sat.).
Mystic River Clint Eastwood is the
last true hero of the cowboy genera-
tion. He should be loved for that alone
- not to mention the fact that this
movie rules and stars Sean Penn. At
Madstone: 1:30, 4:15, 7:05, 9:45.
Peter Pan It's safe to say that once
you lay eyes on Wendy, you're going
to want to be the flying, green-clothed
boy from Neverland. But wait, he can't
love, so maybe you won't care to be
him. Figure it out yourself. At
Showcase: 12:25, 3:05.
Something's Gotta Give A little
ditty 'bout Jack and Diane ... two old
farts trying to enjoy their age as much
as theycan.Oh yeah, life goes on -
long after the fear of seeing their
naked hind ends is gone. At
Showcase: 12:55, 3:45, 6:30, 9:10,
11:55. At Madstone: 1:15, 3:45, 7:15,
9:45.
Teacher's Pet Do animators feel
compelled to churn out movies more
regularly than normal filmmakers? For
every "Finding Nemo" there seeming-
ly must be at least five projects of this
abominable quality. At Showcase:
1:20, 3:15, 5:00.
Torque Theres a point where special
effects become a bit implausible.
There's also a point where people
need to stop paying to watch these
muscle heads flex their throttle-hands.
At Showcase: 12:30, 2:45, 5:15, 5:45,
7:25, 7:55, 9:35, 10:05, 11:40, 12:10
(Fri. and Sat.).

Thursday
CAMPUS CINEMA
21 Grams See Above. At Michigan
Theater: 7:15, 9:45.
American Splendor Relish the
depressing existence of a comic
book legend. At Michigan Theater:
9:30.
In America See how the luck of
the Irish pans out in the land of the
red, white and blue. At State
Theater: 7:00, 9:15.
Monster Charlize Theron gained
40 pounds for this role so she could
play a murderous lesbian. At State
Theater: 7:15, 9:30.
The Station Agent Dwarves, hot
dog salesmen and loads more fun.
At Michigan Theater: 7:00.
MUSIC
The Mammals Mammals is a good,
strong band name. Just keep the live
birth off the stage. The Ark, 316 S. Main
St., Ann Arbor, 8 p.m. $10. 761-1451
The Ron Brooks Trio Like the Dave
Matthews Band, minus the millions in
concert revenue, fame or terrible fan
base. And he's a jazz bassist. Bird of
Paradise, 312 S. Main St., Ann Arbor, 9
and 11 p.m. $5. 662-8310.
Powerstrippers I wonder if "power-
stripper" is something sexual, or if
they're referring to when you strip
stereo wire. Elbow Room, 6 S.
Washington St., Ypsilanti, 10 p.m. $5.
483-6374.
School ofhMusic Guest Recital In a
program that ranges from Mozart to
Rachmaninoff, and includes selections
of Chinese Folk Songs, this concert wel-
comes soprano Mei Zhong and pianist
James Helton to the stage. 8 p.m.,
School of Music Britton Hall, free.
Friday
CAMPUS CINEMA
21 Grams See Above. At Michigan
Theater: 7:15, 9:45.
In America See Above. At State
Theater: 7:00, 9:15.
0
Girl with a Pearl Earring
Scarlett Johannson is quite a pearl
herself. Mmm, Scarlett. At
Michigan Theater: 7:00, 9:30.
Monster See Above. At State
Theater: 7:15, 9:30.
MUSIC
Blues Force with Curtis Sumpter
Use the force, Curtis. Use the force. Tap
Room, 201 W. Michigan Ave., Ypsilanti.
9:30 p.m. Free. 482-5320.
They Walk Among Us If by "they"
they mean the fuzzy, yellow, menacing
monsters that parade around the Diag
at precisely 2:37 a.m., then yeah, I get
it. Elbow Room, 6 S. Washington St.,
Ypsilanti, 10 p.m. $5. 483-6374.

The Elevations There's an erection
joke here somewhere, but I can't find it,
not for the life of me. Blind Pig, 208 S.
First St., Ann Arbor. 9:30 p.m. $6 ($9
Under 21). 996-8588.
Collage Concert This concert will fea-
ture select soloists and ensembles from
the School of Music. 8:15 p.m., Hill
Auditorium. Tickets free - available
only at Power Center box office on Jan.
23rd.
Saturday
CAMPUS CINEMA
21 Grams See Above. At Michigan
Theater: 4:10, 7:15, 9:45.
In America See Above. At State
Theater: 2:15, 4:30, 7:00, 9:15.
Girl with a Pearl Earring See
Above. At Michigan Theater: 4:00,
7:00, 9:30.
Monster See Above. At State
Theater: 2:30, 4:45, 7:15, 9:30.
MUSIC
The Ordinary Peoples I know ordi-
nary people. Lots of them. When I pay
for a concert, I expect something
extraordinary. Worst. Band. Name.
Ever. Blind Pig, 208 S. First St., Ann
Arbor 9:30 p.m. $6 ($9 Under 21).
996-8588.
Rabbit Sons I get it! It's a pun. Maybe
you've heard of this one: This one guy
decided to name his band "The Beatles."
Crazy, huh? Rubber Souls, 23 W. Cross
St., Ypsilanti. 8 p.m. $3. 483-8834.
The Blue Rays Another pun. How
punderful. They should do a double-bill
with the Rabbit Sons. Tap Room, 201

i

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0

Phone Numbers: Michigan Theater: 668-8397; Quality 16: 827-2837; Showcase: 973-8380;
State: 761-8667.
Showtimes are effective Friday through Thursday. Matinee times at State Theater are effec-
tive for Saturday and Sunday only.

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