w w w w w w w w w w mw mw w "W T "W T T -qw 1 2B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine - Thursday, January 22, 2004 Random wants Martha punished, Serena for king The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazim A guide to who's where, what's happening and why you need to be there ... Films opening The Weekend List By Scott Serilla Daily Arts Editor Random: Hello? The Michigan Daily: Hi is Ann there? R: No. Can I take a message? TMD: Who is this? R: Rachel. TMD: Well Rachel, how would you like to be this week's "Random Student Interview?" R: OK! TMD: First Question ... are you ready? Have you ever Googled your own name? R: Yes. TMD: What came up? R: A lot of sport things from high school. Soccer and volleyball, but soccer was primarily what came up. TMD: Where do you like to study on campus? R: The Asian - aw shoot! I can tell you, but I kinda don't want it to be published: the Asian Library. TMD: In the UGLi? Everyone knows that. R: No! I thought I was the only one. Wait ... (To someone else) I need my camera. I think it's under there. TMD: What was that about? Are you two-timing on me? R: My friend came in. She's rear- ranging her room. TMD: Oh, that's cool. So who do you like in New Hampshire? R: Mmm no one. (Off phone again) Katie who do you like in New Hampshire? Well ... I don't know, look at all the clothes! TMD: Hey ... FOCUS RACHEL! R: OK, OK. I'm back, here we go. TMD: Jeez ... do you miss snow days? R: Oh my gawd, yes! But my high school didn't have that many so I'm kinda used to going to school in ridiculous weather conditions. TMD: Why didn't you have more snow days? R: I don't know. Our principal was psychotic. Everybody around us in our district did and we just didn't. We were like chucking ourselves in the snow. So I don't know what it's like to miss snow days because I never had them. TMD: How many hours do you sleep a night? R: Um, I'd say eight to seven. TMD: You're doing something wrong if you're getting that much sleep. R: Well, I'm a scheduling genius. TMD: Share some of your genius- y secrets for the folks at home. R: Sure. Well my first class starts at one and I'm done at four. TMD: Every day? How does that work? R: The mastermind of scheduling - you don't really focus on the class- es you want necessarily, but rather the most desirable time. TMD: You don't care what you take as long as it's at a good time, correct? That sounds dangerous. OK, quiz. I'll name the celebrity, you tell me whether they are guilty or innocent, K? R: Yep. TMD: Kobe? R: Guilty. TMD: Michael Jackson? R: Guilty. TMD: Courtney Love? R: She is guilty. TMD: Harrison Ford? R: Innocent! TMD: Presumed innocent. Whitesnake? R: Innocent. TMD: Nope guilty ... of love. Billy Joel? R: Innocent. TMD: Innocent man. TMD: Mystikal? R: Guilty. TMD: Martha Stewart? R: Guilty. TMD: Alright let's forget about the "cruel and unusual" clause of the Bill of Rights for a minute. How should Martha be punished? What would be fitting for a homemaker extraordi- naire? R: Take her into a fabric store, and tell her she can only look at shit, but she can't buy anything. TMD: So you're not going to put her to death, but you're definitely going to drive her insane. R: Yeah, then have her cook really great meals, but don't let her eat them. My phone is about to run out of bat- teries. I might cut out. TMD: Well, we'll press ahead, but if I lose you, its been nice talking to you. This will run in Thursday's Weekend Magazine. OK, did you watch the State of the Union address Tuesday? R: No, but I did go to the Arts Break in the Union. TMD: Oh, what was last night's craft? R: We made jewelry. I made like a beaded alligator necklace. TMD: Oh that sounds cool. Hey let me ask you, Rachel, how did that help the country? R: It didn't but it helped me. That's like almost as important I think. TMD: Did any friends play the State of the Union drinking game? R: How do you play? TMD: There were many rules, but every time Bush mentioned Mars you had to chug. R: What? TMD: Didn't you know we're going to Mars? The president said so. R: Cool. Mars looks like a cool place. I took astronomy and we learned all about it. TMD: Who did you take astrono- my with? R: Matayo. TMD: Oh, I hear he or she is good. Do we really need to go to Mars? What's in it for you and me? R: We can build our future together from scratch. We're blowing ourselves up on this planet so we can have a fresh start on another. TMD: Umm, OK. Given recent events, we're giving up democracy. R: Awesome. TMD: Yeah, it didn't take. Who do you want for King of America? It can be anybody. R: Mmm ... you! TMD: No, no. I pass on the crown. Pick somebody who is going to be able to do a good job. R: Good job? I want ... TMD: (Cough) Oprah (cough). R: No! TMD: She's the likely candidate. R: I want Serena Williams. 'Cause she can beat anyone she wants up and win. TMD: She is huge. TMD: Do you have a nickname? R: People call me Rach sometimes. Oh, but when I was younger, I had a lisp and so people mocked me and called me 'Wachow.' TMD: So Wachow, what's in youw CD playaw wight now? R: Currently, Jackson 5. TMD: So, you still like his music even though you think he's guilty. R: Well he wasn't guilty when he was eight! TMD: Well, he was guilty of one thing: being adorable. What snack food can you not live without? R: Hmm, apples and peanut butter. TMD: That's way too healthy of a choice. I'm talking junk food. R: I'm going to go with Doritos, Nacho Cheese. Cooler Ranch is dis- gusting. TMD: The blue bag? Was it always the last snack-pack bag that was left at the end of the week that your mom would force into your lunch because all the other stuff was gone? R: Totally! TMD: Aw, and you'd be all disap- pointed and you'd try to trade them away but nobody would listen. R: It was the low down, I mean the down low ... TMD: It was the low point? The down low is something else. Rach, in case you can't tell I'm very street, so when you misuse my lingo I get very upset. R: Got it. TMD: It's cool. I don't have a 'beef' with you. R: Thanks 'dawg.' Jiwon Lee, Niamh Slevin, Anthea Stolz Photo Editors: Tony Ding, Brett Mountain Photographers: Dory Gannes, Eugene Robertson, Laura Shlecter, David Tuman Cover Art: Dory Gannes Arts Editors: Todd Weiser, Managing Editor, Jason Roberts, Scott Serilla, Editors Editor in Chief: Louie Meizlish i The Butefly Effect Who would've thought that Ashton Kutcher, with his insanely busy domestic life, would even have the time to make another movie? It must not be easy supporting a girl- friend who's nearing retirement age and her kids, who are all probably older than he is. At Showcase: 1:10, 1:40, 4:15, 4:45, 7:10, 7:40, 9:40, 10:10, 12:05 (Fri. and Sat), 12:35 (Fri. and Sat). Win a Date with Tad Hamilton Is there some kind of gimmick to this concept? It better not be a stinky teen comedy about a girl going to meet her favoriteboy star but then falling in love with her dorkier friend. They better have some cool, messed up ending to make up for such a crappy story. At Showcase:.12:40, 2:50, 5:05, 7:20, 9:30, 11:45. Films holding 21 Grams Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu likes to flaunt the fact that none of his movies has any plot. He just likes to make cool characters and then have them meet in weird, chance ways. That's not how we do it in America, bub. Get with the program. At Showcase: 3:40, 6:20, 9:00, 11:35. Along Came Polly More like, along came Ben Stiller who decided to ruin his career by acting in worthless romantic comedies. Jennifer Anniston shouldn't be treated very kindly, either. From "Office Space," to "Bruce Almighty," to this, she's played the role of moronic female sidekick one too many times. At Showcase: 12:45, 1:15, 3:00, 3:30, 5:10, 5:40, 7:15, 7:45, 9:20, 9:50,11:30, Midnight. Big Fish Oh, so there's something to the movie besides Tim Burton's creative touch? It's not just supposed to viewed as two unbelievable hours of him mak- ing up weird stuff? Hmm ... At Showcase: 1:00, 3:30,4:10,4:40, 7:05, 7:35, 9:45, 10:15, 12:30 (Fri. and Sat.). At Madstone: 1:05, 4:30, 7:10, 9:45. Chasing Liberty Maybe people would enjoy Mandy Moore if all her movies weren't so disgustingly similar. Wouldn't this be much more enjoy- able if Liberty were being chased by rabid animals or sadistic madmen, rather than by a sappy love interest? At Showcase: 12:50. Cheaper by the Dozen Ah, how lovely - Ashton Kutcher rears his pret- ty little head twice on the same list. Now the question is: why is Steve Martin involving himself with petty punks like Mr. Demi Moore? At Showcase: 12:10, 2:20, 4:30, 6:50, 9:05, 11:15. Cold Mountain How can you, as a moviemaker, err when you're using roles by Philip Seymour Hoffman, Donald Sutherland and Natalie Portman as pointless space filler? The answer is that you can't. At Showcase: 12:35, 3:35, 6:35, 9:35, 12:25 (Fri. and Sat.). At Madstone: 1:00, 4:00, 7:00, 10:00. The Cooler Say what you will about William H. Macy's extraordinary expertise behind a camera. It'ssbaring his little tushy on screen that is really going to take him places. At Madstone: 1:10, 3:15, 5:20, 7:25, 9:30. The Last Samurai This movie focus- es entirely too much on the white man and his silly culture. A big budget opportunity to explore the amazing- ness of ninjas or their samurai brethren must be used more wisely. At Showcase: 12:05, 3:10, 6:15, :25, 12:20 (Fri. and Sat.). The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King Yes, there is finally another good king. All the evil forces are gone, and all the hobbits are comfortably and safely enjoying Hobbiton. Now move on with our lives, people. At Showcase: Noon, 2:00, 4:00, 7:00, 8:00, 10:00, 11:00. Lost in Translation The success of this film is very curious, indeed. Can subtle interplay between Billnand Scarlettsreally be that great? No, it can't. That's why the charming and unknowingly funny folk of Tokyo were added to the equation. At Madstone: 1:20, 3:20, 5:20, 7:20, 9:20. Master and Commander Come watch Aussie-boy ride around in his big boat, and try to make sense of a weird subplot about a potential rival to Chazz Darwin. At Madstone: 1:00, 3:30, 7:00, 9:40. Mona Lisa Smile Is any group of people satisfied with this ornate piece of trash? It should offend feminists at their core, and a movie about femi- nists, in general, should be enough to annoy everyone else. At Showcase: 6:45, 9:15, 11:50. My Babys Daddy This is a testa- ment to the ingenuity that can result when three great minds think collec- tively. And it's got many of the usually awesome Ed die Griffin jokes about white dudes. At Showcase: 1:25, 3:25, 5:35, 8:10, 10:25, 12:15 (Fri. and Sat.). Mystic River Clint Eastwood is the last true hero of the cowboy genera- tion. He should be loved for that alone - not to mention the fact that this movie rules and stars Sean Penn. At Madstone: 1:30, 4:15, 7:05, 9:45. Peter Pan It's safe to say that once you lay eyes on Wendy, you're going to want to be the flying, green-clothed boy from Neverland. But wait, he can't love, so maybe you won't care to be him. Figure it out yourself. At Showcase: 12:25, 3:05. Something's Gotta Give A little ditty 'bout Jack and Diane ... two old farts trying to enjoy their age as much as theycan.Oh yeah, life goes on - long after the fear of seeing their naked hind ends is gone. At Showcase: 12:55, 3:45, 6:30, 9:10, 11:55. At Madstone: 1:15, 3:45, 7:15, 9:45. Teacher's Pet Do animators feel compelled to churn out movies more regularly than normal filmmakers? For every "Finding Nemo" there seeming- ly must be at least five projects of this abominable quality. At Showcase: 1:20, 3:15, 5:00. Torque Theres a point where special effects become a bit implausible. There's also a point where people need to stop paying to watch these muscle heads flex their throttle-hands. At Showcase: 12:30, 2:45, 5:15, 5:45, 7:25, 7:55, 9:35, 10:05, 11:40, 12:10 (Fri. and Sat.). Thursday CAMPUS CINEMA 21 Grams See Above. At Michigan Theater: 7:15, 9:45. American Splendor Relish the depressing existence of a comic book legend. At Michigan Theater: 9:30. In America See how the luck of the Irish pans out in the land of the red, white and blue. At State Theater: 7:00, 9:15. Monster Charlize Theron gained 40 pounds for this role so she could play a murderous lesbian. At State Theater: 7:15, 9:30. The Station Agent Dwarves, hot dog salesmen and loads more fun. At Michigan Theater: 7:00. MUSIC The Mammals Mammals is a good, strong band name. Just keep the live birth off the stage. The Ark, 316 S. Main St., Ann Arbor, 8 p.m. $10. 761-1451 The Ron Brooks Trio Like the Dave Matthews Band, minus the millions in concert revenue, fame or terrible fan base. And he's a jazz bassist. Bird of Paradise, 312 S. Main St., Ann Arbor, 9 and 11 p.m. $5. 662-8310. Powerstrippers I wonder if "power- stripper" is something sexual, or if they're referring to when you strip stereo wire. Elbow Room, 6 S. Washington St., Ypsilanti, 10 p.m. $5. 483-6374. School ofhMusic Guest Recital In a program that ranges from Mozart to Rachmaninoff, and includes selections of Chinese Folk Songs, this concert wel- comes soprano Mei Zhong and pianist James Helton to the stage. 8 p.m., School of Music Britton Hall, free. Friday CAMPUS CINEMA 21 Grams See Above. At Michigan Theater: 7:15, 9:45. In America See Above. At State Theater: 7:00, 9:15. 0 Girl with a Pearl Earring Scarlett Johannson is quite a pearl herself. Mmm, Scarlett. At Michigan Theater: 7:00, 9:30. Monster See Above. At State Theater: 7:15, 9:30. MUSIC Blues Force with Curtis Sumpter Use the force, Curtis. Use the force. Tap Room, 201 W. Michigan Ave., Ypsilanti. 9:30 p.m. Free. 482-5320. They Walk Among Us If by "they" they mean the fuzzy, yellow, menacing monsters that parade around the Diag at precisely 2:37 a.m., then yeah, I get it. Elbow Room, 6 S. Washington St., Ypsilanti, 10 p.m. $5. 483-6374. The Elevations There's an erection joke here somewhere, but I can't find it, not for the life of me. Blind Pig, 208 S. First St., Ann Arbor. 9:30 p.m. $6 ($9 Under 21). 996-8588. Collage Concert This concert will fea- ture select soloists and ensembles from the School of Music. 8:15 p.m., Hill Auditorium. Tickets free - available only at Power Center box office on Jan. 23rd. Saturday CAMPUS CINEMA 21 Grams See Above. At Michigan Theater: 4:10, 7:15, 9:45. In America See Above. At State Theater: 2:15, 4:30, 7:00, 9:15. Girl with a Pearl Earring See Above. At Michigan Theater: 4:00, 7:00, 9:30. Monster See Above. At State Theater: 2:30, 4:45, 7:15, 9:30. MUSIC The Ordinary Peoples I know ordi- nary people. Lots of them. When I pay for a concert, I expect something extraordinary. Worst. Band. Name. Ever. Blind Pig, 208 S. First St., Ann Arbor 9:30 p.m. $6 ($9 Under 21). 996-8588. Rabbit Sons I get it! It's a pun. Maybe you've heard of this one: This one guy decided to name his band "The Beatles." Crazy, huh? Rubber Souls, 23 W. Cross St., Ypsilanti. 8 p.m. $3. 483-8834. The Blue Rays Another pun. How punderful. They should do a double-bill with the Rabbit Sons. Tap Room, 201 i At Northwestern, ItAil Add& Up!1 Combine an array of natural health care programs with an outstanding learning environment and you'll discover a unique institution. JLHEALTH SCIENCES UNIVERSITY 2501 West 84th Street Bloomington. MN 55431 (952) 888-4777, ext.409 www.nwhealth.edu 0 Phone Numbers: Michigan Theater: 668-8397; Quality 16: 827-2837; Showcase: 973-8380; State: 761-8667. Showtimes are effective Friday through Thursday. Matinee times at State Theater are effec- tive for Saturday and Sunday only.