November 6, 2003
NETWORKS TO ROLL OUT THEIR BIG ...
GUNS IN NOVEMBER
By Adam Rottenberg and Douglas Wemert
Daily Arts Writers
N ovember is a time for turkey, pumpkin pie and desperate net-
works attempting to make people stop raking leaves and
watch TV Advertisers set their rates in this critical sweeps
period, so brace yourself for hard-hitting interviews with embattled
celebrities, unnecessary cameos on your favorite shows, horrendous k
TV movies and a Britney Spears concert.
The Ultimate Scenester's
Guide to Show Etiquette
"Saving Jessica Lynch" Nov. 9 (NBC):
Steven Spielberg called; he wants his movie title
"The Elizabeth Smart Story" Nov. 9 (CBS):
If one tale of exploiting the headlines isn't
enough on the 9th, CBS tries to one-up NBC with
this Patty Hearst wannabe's drama.
"The Challenge" Nov. 15 (ABC):
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen return to ABC as
twins in a TV movie, but unfortunately the rest of
the Tanner clan isn't invited. Is John Stamos really
too busy making those 10-10-987 commercials?
The girls are 18, rich and hot, but they should really
avoid the acting thing (see: "How the West was
"The Andy Griffith Show Reunion: Back to
Mayberry" Nov. 11 (CBS):
Matlock, Richie Cunningham and Mr. Furley
together again! If only old people can stay up
past eight ..._
tesy of ABC,
NBC, FOX and
to ya T.V.?
We use to
"Britney Spears: In the
Zone" Nov.17 (ABC):
Lucky for male view-
ers, this taped concert can
be muted. Mmmmm ...
"Queer Eye for the
Straight Guy" Nov. 25
NBC needs these guys
to make over its Tuesday
night lineup. But watch
out, they're really Crab
"American Idol: Christ-
mas Songs" Nov. 25
Reuben, Clay, Kelly
and Justin try to stretch
out their 15 minutes of
fame with more overex-
posure. A silent night is
better than hearing "Ms.
Independent" belt out "I
Saw Momma Kissin'
"Trista and Ryan's
Wedding" Nov. 26
Nick and Jessica eat
CBS' "The Rea-
gans" will be con-
spicuous by its
sweeps this Novem-
ber. CBS claims
the two-part series,
scheduled to air
Nov. 16 and 18 did
not accurately por-
tray the much-her-
alded president, but
the speculation is
threatened to boy-
cott the program
and CBS suc-
cumbed to the pres-
sure. It's funny how
have been made
but mention the
Reagan name one
time and look what
to make a delicious broth out of bread and water.
Also, tips for making a jail cell into a festive cubicle
decorated with tinsel.
"48 Hours Investigates" Nov. 12 (CBS):
Robert Blake opens up to discuss the important
things about his life: his television career, the price
of fame, and admiration of O.J. for getting away
with murdering his wife. Blake hopes to follow suit.
Special Guest Stars
'Hope and Faith" Nov. 7 (ABC):
Kelly Ripa phones a friend, bringing Regis back
to primetime. Hopefully ABC doesn't take it the
wrong way and start airing this show 17 times a
"Las Vegas" Nov. 10 (NBC):
Wayne Newton guest starring on a show about
Vegas is about as obvious as Michael Jackson on
"The West Wing" Nov. 12 (NBC):
"Chandler" (a.k.a. Matthew Perry) returns to the
White House. Could it be any easier to make a joke
using the name Monica when both "Friends" and
the Oval Office are involved?
"All of Us" Nov. 18 (UPN):
Will Smith returns to television comedy on a
series he executive produces, but where's DJ Jazzy
Jeff? Regardless, it's on UPN, so no one would
New Shows on Hiatus or Cancelled
"The Brotherhood of Poland, NH" CBS
At least David E. Kelly's latest offering lasted a
few more episodes than "Girl's Club" did last year.
"The Mullets" UPN
Proof to the moron executives who green lit this
garbage that America at least has some shred of
So you're finally starting to listen
to good music. You bought your
first seven inch the other day
and your messenger bag is completely
covered in one inch pins. Good, good.
Time to start going to shows. Scared?
Don't worry, my friends, I know how
you feel for I was once un-cool as
well. Just follow my 10 simple rules
to show etiquette and you'll blend
right in, which is ironically exactly
the thing we people try to avoid. Just
go with me here.
1) Never wear theshirt of the band
you're about to see. In the words of
Jeremy Piven (in "P.C.U."), "Don't be
that guy." Even worse, never wear the
shirt you just bought at the merch stand.
Instead, wear the shirt of a labelmate, or
a side project. It shows your obscure
music knowledge, which is important
above all else. The general rule of
thumb is to look like you put no effort
into your appearance whatsoever, even
if that means spending hours before-
hand trying on different under-sized T-
shirt and thrift store pants combinations.
2) Try not to show any interest in the
opening bands, or in anything for that
matter. The more apathetic you look,
the better. Scan the crowd nonchalantly
to see if anyone looks cuter than you
and move as far away from that person
3) If someone asks you about a band
you don't know, you have one of two
options to maintain your cred. The first
is the time-honored "Yeah, but I'm real-
ly into their earlier stuff" However, this
can backfire with newer bands. Instead,
try the "Yeah, I think they're a little too
derivative of Made Up Band." No one
will know that you made up a band. If
they challenge you, claim said band was
influential in the 80s Insert City Name
noise scene. Don't worry, no one else
wants to lose cred so they'll claim to
know who you're talking about. My
favorite made up band name is the
Mimsies. Try something plural, or
something more than five words long.
4) Between sets, you're only allowed
to sing along to the canned music if it's
cheese metal or something like Journey
or Boston. Much like professional
wrestling and shows like Jerry
Springer, it's cool to pretend to be into
Journey without actually liking them.
"Anyway you want it, that's the way
you need it..."
5) Front row is the place to be. The,
goal is the fabled "under the rail" spot.
Obtaining this musical Babylon is how-..
ever, a very difficult task. Try making
up a zine (you probably write one anyr
way) and finagling a photo pass. The.
door guys are often jerks, so this can.
backfire without the proper credentials.
Instead, try the classic, "Dude, my
girl/boyfriend is up there." If that fails,,'
grab a bunch of water bottles and make
your way up there on the pretense of,
being with the band, Mentos style.
Remember, this is only allowed up until.
the age of 24. At that point, you are
required to turn in your scene card,
shelve your copy of "Catcher in the ,?
Rye" and hang in the back by the bar,
6) Crowd surfing is lame. End of dis-
cussion. Also, if you're that one dude;
who still thinks it's cool to yell "Play-
Freebird!" then call me so I can come
over and kick your ass.
7) Do not, I repeat, DO NOT sing-"
along. Quietly mouth the words to yours
self and close your eyes every so often1 -'
in deep meditation. If it's an emo shov;
look down or up and beat your chest,
with your right fist, occasionally muss?,
ing your perfectly quaffed hair. If you so*'
feel the need to request a song, mak4!,
sure it's a rare B side that was onlyr,
released on limited-edition color vinyl. r
8) The indie rock hip sway is then.i
only permissible dance. That or thyI
rock lobster. It's a case by case kind of
thing. Try not to break your composure,,
too much. u c
9) There's a fine line between being,,;
friendly with the band after the show,
and outright stalking. Buy the drummer,,
(or bassist) a drink at the bar, They'lla
appreciate it, as no one really eveg
knows/cares who they are.
10) Lastly, when someone asks you-
about the show, claim they played bet-
ter at some other, smaller venue.
Whether or not you've seen the band
before is irrelevant. Everybody knows
that the smaller the venue, and hence
the fewer people there, the better.
And there you have it. Good luck
and godspeed. If you have any ques-
tions, feel free to IM me at xXMourn-
ingHeartXx or find me on friendster.
taste. Fans of super-trash can still take refuge in
"The Anna Nicole Show" and "Jerry Springer."
Sex apparently does not sell, or at least doesn't
make up for a half-assed attempt at a sitcom. NBC is
dead once "Friends" moves out of the coffee shop.
"The Lyon's Den" NBC
If Rob Lowe's career continues to falter, maybe
he will accidentally make another underage porn
tape? Either that, or aid his newfound friend the
Govinah in Caleeefooorneeea.
Did anyone even know this show was on the air?
Whoever cast Luis Guzman as a leading man in a
sitcom must be the same mastermind behind "Joe
Millionaire 2" and its cowboy.
- Dailey can be reached
your heart out; ABC is letting us see their wedding.
Trista probably knows that Buffalo wings are really
chicken, leaving any hopes of following this couple
around after their honeymoon less enticing.
"20/20" Nov. 7 (ABC):
Martha Stewart explains to Barbara Walters how
P. Diddy frnds his Mase
replacement in Loon
By Brian Stephens
Daily Arts Writer
MUsic REVIEW *
Possessing a gift of style and deliv-
ery, Loon's self-titled debut album is.
probably the best production ever
released by Bad Boy Entertainment. P.
DAitY ARTS. WE WATCH SWEEPS, BUT ONLY BECAUSE WE HAVE TOO
Diddy's fetish for
has brought us
Loon: a slow-talk-
ing rapper whose
style is suspicious-
ly like the depart-
The single "How you want that"
with Kelis isn't that good when com-
pared to the rest of the album.
"Between Us" and "Hey Woo" are
more solid tracks. Perhaps at the
album's apex, you have "Things You
Do," effortlessly showcasing Loon's
crawling lyrics while Aaron Hall
croons in the background.
Without a doubt, there is a barely
contained enthusiasm in this album.
Through Loon's 19 tracks, there is only
but a handful that don't have P. Diddy's
voice in them. You can literally hear
the associate executive producer of the
album saying, "Make sure we get P.
Diddy's voice saying 'Bad Boy' and
'Ungh!' in this track." Loon had to
overcome the fact that he was essen-
tially a new artist who sounded like
Mase. He doesn't just succeed in carv-
ing his own niche and proving his
worth - he triumphs.
' ' 5
, , P
ed Mase. The stylistic similarities
between the two are so striking that
they cannot be denied. P. Diddy, exec-
utive producer of the album, patch-
works Loon's tortoise-like delivery
with rapid-fire beats to essentially cre-
ate a "Super Mase." It's kind of bril-
liant in an odd, sort of Frankenstein
O PN p
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