4 Thursday November 6, 2003 michigandaily.com artseditor@michigandaily.com ARTS 8A 4 'i:3 SWEEP DREAMS NETWORKS TO ROLL OUT THEIR BIG ... GUNS IN NOVEMBER By Adam Rottenberg and Douglas Wemert Daily Arts Writers N ovember is a time for turkey, pumpkin pie and desperate net- works attempting to make people stop raking leaves and watch TV Advertisers set their rates in this critical sweeps period, so brace yourself for hard-hitting interviews with embattled celebrities, unnecessary cameos on your favorite shows, horrendous k TV movies and a Britney Spears concert. SEAN DAILEY 4 The Ultimate Scenester's Guide to Show Etiquette TV Movies "Saving Jessica Lynch" Nov. 9 (NBC): Steven Spielberg called; he wants his movie title back. "The Elizabeth Smart Story" Nov. 9 (CBS): If one tale of exploiting the headlines isn't enough on the 9th, CBS tries to one-up NBC with this Patty Hearst wannabe's drama. "The Challenge" Nov. 15 (ABC): Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen return to ABC as twins in a TV movie, but unfortunately the rest of the Tanner clan isn't invited. Is John Stamos really too busy making those 10-10-987 commercials? The girls are 18, rich and hot, but they should really avoid the acting thing (see: "How the West was Fun"). Speca "The Andy Griffith Show Reunion: Back to Mayberry" Nov. 11 (CBS): Matlock, Richie Cunningham and Mr. Furley together again! If only old people can stay up past eight ..._ Photos cour- tesy of ABC, NBC, FOX and Jive Records What happened to ya T.V.? We use to be tight dawg. "Britney Spears: In the Zone" Nov.17 (ABC): Lucky for male view- ers, this taped concert can be muted. Mmmmm ... Britney ... "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" Nov. 25 (NBC): NBC needs these guys to make over its Tuesday night lineup. But watch out, they're really Crab People! "American Idol: Christ- mas Songs" Nov. 25 (FOX): Reuben, Clay, Kelly and Justin try to stretch out their 15 minutes of fame with more overex- posure. A silent night is better than hearing "Ms. Independent" belt out "I Saw Momma Kissin' Santa Claus." "Trista and Ryan's Wedding" Nov. 26 (ABC): Nick and Jessica eat Forgetting Reagan CBS' "The Rea- gans" will be con- spicuous by its absence from sweeps this Novem- ber. CBS claims the two-part series, scheduled to air Nov. 16 and 18 did not accurately por- tray the much-her- alded president, but the speculation is that advertisers threatened to boy- cott the program and CBS suc- cumbed to the pres- sure. It's funny how doeumentaries trashing the Kennedy family have been made umpteenth times, but mention the Reagan name one time and look what happens. to make a delicious broth out of bread and water. Also, tips for making a jail cell into a festive cubicle decorated with tinsel. "48 Hours Investigates" Nov. 12 (CBS): Robert Blake opens up to discuss the important things about his life: his television career, the price of fame, and admiration of O.J. for getting away with murdering his wife. Blake hopes to follow suit. Special Guest Stars 'Hope and Faith" Nov. 7 (ABC): Kelly Ripa phones a friend, bringing Regis back to primetime. Hopefully ABC doesn't take it the wrong way and start airing this show 17 times a week. "Las Vegas" Nov. 10 (NBC): Wayne Newton guest starring on a show about Vegas is about as obvious as Michael Jackson on "Extreme Makeover." "The West Wing" Nov. 12 (NBC): "Chandler" (a.k.a. Matthew Perry) returns to the White House. Could it be any easier to make a joke using the name Monica when both "Friends" and the Oval Office are involved? "All of Us" Nov. 18 (UPN): Will Smith returns to television comedy on a series he executive produces, but where's DJ Jazzy Jeff? Regardless, it's on UPN, so no one would watch anyways. New Shows on Hiatus or Cancelled "The Brotherhood of Poland, NH" CBS At least David E. Kelly's latest offering lasted a few more episodes than "Girl's Club" did last year. "The Mullets" UPN Proof to the moron executives who green lit this garbage that America at least has some shred of So you're finally starting to listen to good music. You bought your first seven inch the other day and your messenger bag is completely covered in one inch pins. Good, good. Time to start going to shows. Scared? Don't worry, my friends, I know how you feel for I was once un-cool as well. Just follow my 10 simple rules to show etiquette and you'll blend right in, which is ironically exactly the thing we people try to avoid. Just go with me here. 1) Never wear theshirt of the band you're about to see. In the words of Jeremy Piven (in "P.C.U."), "Don't be that guy." Even worse, never wear the shirt you just bought at the merch stand. Instead, wear the shirt of a labelmate, or a side project. It shows your obscure music knowledge, which is important above all else. The general rule of thumb is to look like you put no effort into your appearance whatsoever, even if that means spending hours before- hand trying on different under-sized T- shirt and thrift store pants combinations. 2) Try not to show any interest in the opening bands, or in anything for that matter. The more apathetic you look, the better. Scan the crowd nonchalantly to see if anyone looks cuter than you and move as far away from that person as possible. 3) If someone asks you about a band you don't know, you have one of two options to maintain your cred. The first is the time-honored "Yeah, but I'm real- ly into their earlier stuff" However, this can backfire with newer bands. Instead, try the "Yeah, I think they're a little too derivative of Made Up Band." No one will know that you made up a band. If they challenge you, claim said band was influential in the 80s Insert City Name noise scene. Don't worry, no one else wants to lose cred so they'll claim to know who you're talking about. My favorite made up band name is the Mimsies. Try something plural, or something more than five words long. 4) Between sets, you're only allowed to sing along to the canned music if it's cheese metal or something like Journey or Boston. Much like professional wrestling and shows like Jerry Springer, it's cool to pretend to be into Journey without actually liking them. "Anyway you want it, that's the way you need it..." 5) Front row is the place to be. The, goal is the fabled "under the rail" spot. Obtaining this musical Babylon is how-.. ever, a very difficult task. Try making up a zine (you probably write one anyr way) and finagling a photo pass. The. door guys are often jerks, so this can. backfire without the proper credentials. Instead, try the classic, "Dude, my girl/boyfriend is up there." If that fails,,' grab a bunch of water bottles and make your way up there on the pretense of, being with the band, Mentos style. Remember, this is only allowed up until. the age of 24. At that point, you are required to turn in your scene card, shelve your copy of "Catcher in the ,? Rye" and hang in the back by the bar, looking bored. 6) Crowd surfing is lame. End of dis- cussion. Also, if you're that one dude; who still thinks it's cool to yell "Play- Freebird!" then call me so I can come over and kick your ass. 7) Do not, I repeat, DO NOT sing-" along. Quietly mouth the words to yours self and close your eyes every so often1 -' in deep meditation. If it's an emo shov; look down or up and beat your chest, with your right fist, occasionally muss?, ing your perfectly quaffed hair. If you so*' feel the need to request a song, mak4!, sure it's a rare B side that was onlyr, released on limited-edition color vinyl. r 8) The indie rock hip sway is then.i only permissible dance. That or thyI rock lobster. It's a case by case kind of thing. Try not to break your composure,, too much. u c 9) There's a fine line between being,,; friendly with the band after the show, and outright stalking. Buy the drummer,, (or bassist) a drink at the bar, They'lla appreciate it, as no one really eveg knows/cares who they are. 10) Lastly, when someone asks you- about the show, claim they played bet- ter at some other, smaller venue. Whether or not you've seen the band before is irrelevant. Everybody knows that the smaller the venue, and hence the fewer people there, the better. And there you have it. Good luck and godspeed. If you have any ques- tions, feel free to IM me at xXMourn- ingHeartXx or find me on friendster. taste. Fans of super-trash can still take refuge in "The Anna Nicole Show" and "Jerry Springer." "Coupling" NBC Sex apparently does not sell, or at least doesn't make up for a half-assed attempt at a sitcom. NBC is dead once "Friends" moves out of the coffee shop. "The Lyon's Den" NBC If Rob Lowe's career continues to falter, maybe he will accidentally make another underage porn tape? Either that, or aid his newfound friend the Govinah in Caleeefooorneeea. "Luis" Fox Did anyone even know this show was on the air? Whoever cast Luis Guzman as a leading man in a sitcom must be the same mastermind behind "Joe Millionaire 2" and its cowboy. - Dailey can be reached at srdailey@umich.edu your heart out; ABC is letting us see their wedding. Trista probably knows that Buffalo wings are really chicken, leaving any hopes of following this couple around after their honeymoon less enticing. Newsmagazines "20/20" Nov. 7 (ABC): Martha Stewart explains to Barbara Walters how P. Diddy frnds his Mase replacement in Loon By Brian Stephens Daily Arts Writer MUsic REVIEW * Possessing a gift of style and deliv- ery, Loon's self-titled debut album is. probably the best production ever released by Bad Boy Entertainment. P. DAitY ARTS. WE WATCH SWEEPS, BUT ONLY BECAUSE WE HAVE TOO Diddy's fetish for Harlem rappers has brought us Loon: a slow-talk- ing rapper whose style is suspicious- ly like the depart- Loon Loon Bad Boy Entertainment way. The single "How you want that" with Kelis isn't that good when com- pared to the rest of the album. "Between Us" and "Hey Woo" are more solid tracks. Perhaps at the album's apex, you have "Things You Do," effortlessly showcasing Loon's crawling lyrics while Aaron Hall croons in the background. Without a doubt, there is a barely contained enthusiasm in this album. Through Loon's 19 tracks, there is only but a handful that don't have P. Diddy's voice in them. You can literally hear the associate executive producer of the album saying, "Make sure we get P. Diddy's voice saying 'Bad Boy' and 'Ungh!' in this track." Loon had to overcome the fact that he was essen- tially a new artist who sounded like Mase. He doesn't just succeed in carv- ing his own niche and proving his worth - he triumphs. 4 www.YCIOLOTHIN G.com toN ;~ a mI~ ' ' 5 M , , P t ed Mase. The stylistic similarities between the two are so striking that they cannot be denied. P. Diddy, exec- utive producer of the album, patch- works Loon's tortoise-like delivery with rapid-fire beats to essentially cre- ate a "Super Mase." It's kind of bril- liant in an odd, sort of Frankenstein X01 Sir. fl ,0 G 0 O PN p a ;. . .:. : .. e> .'I I. -. J