ka '.7 1
he/p make U'yours
S o after years of hard work, studying and a dizzying
array of extra-curricular activities, you've finally made
it into college! Let me be the first to say congratula-
tions! Congratulations on both the completion of your high
school years and your wonderful decision to become an
undergraduate in the University of Michigan community. Or
the 'U,' as we like to call it. Welcome!
You've become a fighting Wolverine at an exciting time,
my friends, as the sociopolitical world turns its unassuming
eye on our own local hamlet. As I'm sure you've heard, the
regents just named a woman president of the University!
Can you believe it? She a certified woman, and I applaud
the University for their courage and diversity in naming
someone president whose qualifications include, among
other things, the ability to urinate sitting down, loads of
estrogen and a vagina. Other aspects of her resume, which
are certain to be numerous and unimportant, are probably
available somewhere for your stunned perusal. It is, of
course, the fact that she has fallopian tubes that has every-
one talking, and here's hoping that sexist monsters keep
their mouths shut if they have any disagreement and/or com-
ment with our new president, Mrs., uh, Ms. ... The first
female president in 'U' history.
The occasional date rape and random act of violence aside,
our Athletic Department is one of the finest in the nation.
Our football team may be the reason you came here, but
there are several other sports opportunities for you to choose
from. Some sports even let women play, which is nice. Bas-
ketball might not be so hot this year, but inside sources tell
me that a few Jeep Cherokees and a few female boosters
imported from Thailand should take care of that. Losing to
Ohio State by 20 might be all right for schools that don't
have deals with Nike, but, in my opinion, Ed Martin better
get his ass out of jail and back into some maize-'n-blue
shorts toot sweet.
Sports, of course, are reserved only for our most gifted and
intelligent students (as proven by their hard-earned grades),
but the rest of us certainly have plenty of options. Most
incoming freshmen want to know "What is BAMN and how
can I join?" Well, just hold your horses, little Timmy or
Tammy, I'll tell you. BAMN is none other than the most
prestigious, all-consuming icon of morality on campus.
They're the Coalition to Defend Affirmative Action and Inte-
gration and Fight for Equality By Any Means Necessary.
They organize rallies, picket and physically assault (hey,
can't make an omelet without breaking a few bigots) people
who attempt to thwart our God-given constitutional right to
give students points based on their ethnic/religious back-
ground and the color of their skin during admissions.
BAMN accepts members no matter what the color of their
skin, but since there is such a high interest in joining, is now
attempting to fill certain quotas. After talking with the
BAMN High Council, I have learned that they are not cur-
rently accepting any more brainless faux-hippy Anglo-Sax-
ons or angry black students from affluent Detroit suburbs.
They are currently seeking non-Muslim Arabic members,
one-armed Pakistani members, over-weight South Africans
and Asians, Asians, Asians.
A lot of students come to college feeling frightened and
overwhelmed by the wide array of choices and opportunities
college presents. Many take solace and refuge in the safety
net that is religion. Whether you're Christian, Jewish or some
other religion, your god can be found right here on campus.
The Campus Crusade for Christ had a landmark year, nearly
catching the elusive bearded one. The campus chapter won
several national awards this year for their "Tolerance Through
Burning Muslinis Alive" initiative. And if you're more inter-
ested in politicizing your religion for the good of a lunatic
war-monger, Hillel may be just right for you.
Not to downplay the importance of international politics on
one of the most important political campuses in Michigan.
Our astute Palestinian leadership on campus has recently sug-
gested that their "Allah" is more well-endowed than the more
popular Judeo-Christian "God." They went on to say that if
anyone disagreed with the freedom fighters that crashed into
the World Trade Center, then the terrorists had already won. I
do have to warn you, these arguments can get pretty heated. It
pays to remember that none of it is that important in the long
run, and flaring tempers leads to a bad time had by all.
If you're really serious about politics, though, the only way
to go is to join MSA. As our student government, MSA pass-
es many important resolutions each year that affect our cul-
ture and the very fabric of our society. Last year alone, MSA
passed important resolutions to keep the Union open for an
additional 20 minutes on weeknights, to stop the war on terror
and to allow them to masturbate one another publicly as a
reward for the tremendous job they do. If you're lucky, they
may even allow you to join.
If politics aren't your bag, you can partake in one of the
many community opportunities available to students. Giving
money to the homeless is always a treat, when you see their
eyes light up, knowing that they may be drunk enough later
that evening to rape one of the barefoot sorority girls stum-
bling home from a frat party. Just a word of-warning, don't
try to help any of them find jobs. It's insulting to their human
dignity to suggest they are capable of making money on their
own. Shame on you for even thinking of it. Some of these
people are veterans, others are pediatric gynecologists. Still
others gargle with their own feces. Show some respect.
So, however you decide to spend your time in good 'ole
Ann Arbor, remember that you can make a difference in your
own future by what you decide to do now. God bless 'U' and
God bless America.
Coleman as first
By Karen Schwartz
and Maria Sprow
Daily News Reporters
Mary Sue Colem"an, former president of
the University of Iowa, was welcomed to the
University by the University Board of
Regents and community members May 29 as
she was elected to be the University's 13th
president in a motion carried unanimously by
Coleman, who had been president of Iowa
chair of the Board of Regents and the Presi-
dential Search Committee, said he is confi-
dent Coleman is ready for the job.
"She was quite simply the best of the best.
We think the University and the community
will benefit from her leadership," he said. "As
an administrator, she's smart and she's tough
and she knows how big places like this run."
He added that Coleman is well-known in
higher education circles and that her name is
on "everybody's short list of leaders of higher
since 1995, began
her term at the Uni-
versity of Michigan
Aug. 1 under a
that was finalized at
the June regents
"She will be a
thoughtful and suc-
"We believe she will
prove to be one of the
great leaders of the
- Regent Laurence Deitch
ments and creden-
tials as part of what
made her an appeal-
ing candidate, com-
menting on the
breadth of her expe-
riences and involve-
ment in research
cessful president of the University of Michi-
gan," Regent Rebecca McGowan (D-Ann
Arbor) said. "And let it be said again and
again, girls can do math and science."
Regents also praised interim University
President B. Joseph White, expressing grati-
tude and appreciation for his dedication and
involvement in keeping the University run-
"The only thing more challenging than
being president of this University would be
being interim president," Regent David Bran-
don (R-Ann Arbor) said.
Added Regent Kathy White (D-Ann Arbor)
to White and his wife, Mary: "I'm very
impressed at (your) deep commitment ... I
am basically speechless," she said.
Though she was officially appointed in
May, Coleman remained at Iowa for the fol-
lowing two months
"I have two responsibilities that I have to do
going forward," she said, referring to both her
position at Iowa and her need to prepare for
her new role in Ann Arbor.
White remained in charge of the University
until the beginning of August but said he
would confer with Coleman on any major
decisions made between May and then.
Laurence Deitch (D-Bingham Farms),
D-Bingham Farms and a variety of
"We believe she will prove to be one of the
great leaders of the University's history," he
said. "We will be fortunate to have her."
Regarding the search process, Deitch
called. the search "focused, thorough and
Deitch also addressed the contributions of
the Presidential Search Advisory Committee,
composed of faculty, students, staff and alum-
ni, which met 15 times over five months to
investigate the pool of candidates.
It was "a truly extraordinary commit-
ment by 16 people with very busy lives,"
The University community at large had a
chance to be part of the process as well, as 25
meetings were held to give the community a
chance to voice opinions and hopes for the
next University leader.
"The election of the next president mat-
tered to everyone - everyone cared. It reaf-
firmed our commitment," said Rackham
Dean Earl Lewis, chair of the Presidential
Search Advisory Committee.
Lewis said over 200 people were nominat-
ed and reviewed "in one form or another" in a
process that "turned nominations into candi-
dates." He said the advisory committee pre-
sented a pool of candidates, not finalists, to
DEBBIE MIZ EL/Daily
Mary Sue Coleman, the 13th president of the University, accepts her new position on May 29 while
addressing members of the University community inside the Michigan Union.
"It was a process that we understood
required a high level of confidentiality," he
said. He added that the job of the search com-
mittee was to create a rich and deep pool full
of candidates who were qualified to lead the
University in many different ways.
Coleman said that if it had been an open
search she would not have considered candi-
dacy. She is not the only one who would have
refused candidacy, Lewis said.
. Lewis said the openness in Harvard's recent
presidential search did not seem to harm for-
mer University President Lee Bollinger -
who Coleman is replacing.
See PRESIDENT, Page 7C
GEO calls walk-
By Maria Sprow
Daily Staff Reporter
Members of the Graduate Employees
Organization and Students Organizing for
Labor and Economic Equality joined
forces March 11 in a walk-out to stop stu-
dents from going to class and workers
from working in hopes of sending a mes-
sage of solidarity to the University.
According to chants heard before the
closing rally at the Literature, Science and
Arts Building, GEO wants a contract, and
they want it now. Though the mission
sounds simple, GEO members have said
the contract they are fighting for is
GEO members estimated that the one-
day-long strike, which began with a picket
at the Life Sciences Institute construction
site at 7 a.m., drew about 500 union mem-
bers and 300 undergraduates to the picket
lines. The strike also managed to expand
past University walls to undergraduate
students at Michigan State University,
some of whom chose not to attend.classes
to show support for their graduate
employee union, which formed last year
but has yet to sign a contract. The strike
See WALK-OUT, Page 7C
4 with 'U'
Former interim University President B. Joseph White looks out of his office in the Fleming
Administration Building at picketers supporting the Graduate Employees Organization in Regents Plaza.
GEO votes, approves contra(
By Jordan Schrader
Daily Staf Reporter
The 2002-2005 contract between the University
and the Graduate Employees Organization was
approved on Apr. 7 by GEO members and is ready to
GEO organizers tallied the results of the mail-in
ballots sent to members. They voted overwhelmingly
to ratify the contract, casting 399 votes in favor and
only two oinst Ahut 1 000 hallots were originally
in the following weeks to get the contract signed.
The contract came after five months of negotia-
tions, a one-day walk-out and GEO's threat of an
Rackham student and GEO member Rachel Meyer
said the vote was close to unanimity because the bar-
gaining team addressed the concerns of most groups
within the union, including parents, women, minori-
ties and low-fraction graduate student instructors.
"We made significant gains in all aspects of our
strike platform." she said.
GEO organizer Mark Dilley said. When contract
negotiations start again in 2004, GEO's new leaders
will have a new set of goals based on members' pri-
orities, he said.
Dilley said one policy the union may try to change
is the LSA rule that limits GSIs to 10 terms of paid
teaching at the University.
"When graduate students are teaching, their own
work slows down," requiring that they go beyond the
maximum time in their studies, he said. Dilley added
that GEO has been looking for ways to change the