ka '.7 1 NEWS: 76-DAILY wwwmichigandally.com Fall 2002 , LYLE HENRETTY 0 I uc Woman, homeless he/p make U'yours S o after years of hard work, studying and a dizzying array of extra-curricular activities, you've finally made it into college! Let me be the first to say congratula- tions! Congratulations on both the completion of your high school years and your wonderful decision to become an undergraduate in the University of Michigan community. Or the 'U,' as we like to call it. Welcome! You've become a fighting Wolverine at an exciting time, my friends, as the sociopolitical world turns its unassuming eye on our own local hamlet. As I'm sure you've heard, the regents just named a woman president of the University! Can you believe it? She a certified woman, and I applaud the University for their courage and diversity in naming someone president whose qualifications include, among other things, the ability to urinate sitting down, loads of estrogen and a vagina. Other aspects of her resume, which are certain to be numerous and unimportant, are probably available somewhere for your stunned perusal. It is, of course, the fact that she has fallopian tubes that has every- one talking, and here's hoping that sexist monsters keep their mouths shut if they have any disagreement and/or com- ment with our new president, Mrs., uh, Ms. ... The first female president in 'U' history. The occasional date rape and random act of violence aside, our Athletic Department is one of the finest in the nation. Our football team may be the reason you came here, but there are several other sports opportunities for you to choose from. Some sports even let women play, which is nice. Bas- ketball might not be so hot this year, but inside sources tell me that a few Jeep Cherokees and a few female boosters imported from Thailand should take care of that. Losing to Ohio State by 20 might be all right for schools that don't have deals with Nike, but, in my opinion, Ed Martin better get his ass out of jail and back into some maize-'n-blue shorts toot sweet. Sports, of course, are reserved only for our most gifted and intelligent students (as proven by their hard-earned grades), but the rest of us certainly have plenty of options. Most incoming freshmen want to know "What is BAMN and how can I join?" Well, just hold your horses, little Timmy or Tammy, I'll tell you. BAMN is none other than the most prestigious, all-consuming icon of morality on campus. They're the Coalition to Defend Affirmative Action and Inte- gration and Fight for Equality By Any Means Necessary. They organize rallies, picket and physically assault (hey, can't make an omelet without breaking a few bigots) people who attempt to thwart our God-given constitutional right to give students points based on their ethnic/religious back- ground and the color of their skin during admissions. BAMN accepts members no matter what the color of their skin, but since there is such a high interest in joining, is now attempting to fill certain quotas. After talking with the BAMN High Council, I have learned that they are not cur- rently accepting any more brainless faux-hippy Anglo-Sax- ons or angry black students from affluent Detroit suburbs. They are currently seeking non-Muslim Arabic members, one-armed Pakistani members, over-weight South Africans and Asians, Asians, Asians. A lot of students come to college feeling frightened and overwhelmed by the wide array of choices and opportunities college presents. Many take solace and refuge in the safety net that is religion. Whether you're Christian, Jewish or some other religion, your god can be found right here on campus. The Campus Crusade for Christ had a landmark year, nearly catching the elusive bearded one. The campus chapter won several national awards this year for their "Tolerance Through Burning Muslinis Alive" initiative. And if you're more inter- ested in politicizing your religion for the good of a lunatic war-monger, Hillel may be just right for you. Not to downplay the importance of international politics on one of the most important political campuses in Michigan. Our astute Palestinian leadership on campus has recently sug- gested that their "Allah" is more well-endowed than the more popular Judeo-Christian "God." They went on to say that if anyone disagreed with the freedom fighters that crashed into the World Trade Center, then the terrorists had already won. I do have to warn you, these arguments can get pretty heated. It pays to remember that none of it is that important in the long run, and flaring tempers leads to a bad time had by all. If you're really serious about politics, though, the only way to go is to join MSA. As our student government, MSA pass- es many important resolutions each year that affect our cul- ture and the very fabric of our society. Last year alone, MSA passed important resolutions to keep the Union open for an additional 20 minutes on weeknights, to stop the war on terror and to allow them to masturbate one another publicly as a reward for the tremendous job they do. If you're lucky, they may even allow you to join. If politics aren't your bag, you can partake in one of the many community opportunities available to students. Giving money to the homeless is always a treat, when you see their eyes light up, knowing that they may be drunk enough later that evening to rape one of the barefoot sorority girls stum- bling home from a frat party. Just a word of-warning, don't try to help any of them find jobs. It's insulting to their human dignity to suggest they are capable of making money on their own. Shame on you for even thinking of it. Some of these people are veterans, others are pediatric gynecologists. Still others gargle with their own feces. Show some respect. So, however you decide to spend your time in good 'ole Ann Arbor, remember that you can make a difference in your own future by what you decide to do now. God bless 'U' and God bless America. Regents announce Coleman as first female president By Karen Schwartz and Maria Sprow Daily News Reporters Mary Sue Colem"an, former president of the University of Iowa, was welcomed to the University by the University Board of Regents and community members May 29 as she was elected to be the University's 13th president in a motion carried unanimously by the regents. Coleman, who had been president of Iowa chair of the Board of Regents and the Presi- dential Search Committee, said he is confi- dent Coleman is ready for the job. "She was quite simply the best of the best. We think the University and the community will benefit from her leadership," he said. "As an administrator, she's smart and she's tough and she knows how big places like this run." He added that Coleman is well-known in higher education circles and that her name is on "everybody's short list of leaders of higher education." since 1995, began her term at the Uni- versity of Michigan Aug. 1 under a five-year contract that was finalized at the June regents meeting. "She will be a strong, creative, experienced, thoughtful and suc- "We believe she will prove to be one of the great leaders of the University's history." - Regent Laurence Deitch Deitch cited Coleman's achieve- ments and creden- tials as part of what made her an appeal- ing candidate, com- menting on the breadth of her expe- riences and involve- ment in research cessful president of the University of Michi- gan," Regent Rebecca McGowan (D-Ann Arbor) said. "And let it be said again and again, girls can do math and science." Regents also praised interim University President B. Joseph White, expressing grati- tude and appreciation for his dedication and involvement in keeping the University run- ning smoothly. "The only thing more challenging than being president of this University would be being interim president," Regent David Bran- don (R-Ann Arbor) said. Added Regent Kathy White (D-Ann Arbor) to White and his wife, Mary: "I'm very impressed at (your) deep commitment ... I am basically speechless," she said. Though she was officially appointed in May, Coleman remained at Iowa for the fol- lowing two months "I have two responsibilities that I have to do going forward," she said, referring to both her position at Iowa and her need to prepare for her new role in Ann Arbor. White remained in charge of the University until the beginning of August but said he would confer with Coleman on any major decisions made between May and then. Laurence Deitch (D-Bingham Farms), D-Bingham Farms and a variety of other areas. "We believe she will prove to be one of the great leaders of the University's history," he said. "We will be fortunate to have her." Regarding the search process, Deitch called. the search "focused, thorough and thoughtful." Deitch also addressed the contributions of the Presidential Search Advisory Committee, composed of faculty, students, staff and alum- ni, which met 15 times over five months to investigate the pool of candidates. It was "a truly extraordinary commit- ment by 16 people with very busy lives," Deitch said. The University community at large had a chance to be part of the process as well, as 25 meetings were held to give the community a chance to voice opinions and hopes for the next University leader. "The election of the next president mat- tered to everyone - everyone cared. It reaf- firmed our commitment," said Rackham Dean Earl Lewis, chair of the Presidential Search Advisory Committee. Lewis said over 200 people were nominat- ed and reviewed "in one form or another" in a process that "turned nominations into candi- dates." He said the advisory committee pre- sented a pool of candidates, not finalists, to DEBBIE MIZ EL/Daily Mary Sue Coleman, the 13th president of the University, accepts her new position on May 29 while addressing members of the University community inside the Michigan Union. the regents. "It was a process that we understood required a high level of confidentiality," he said. He added that the job of the search com- mittee was to create a rich and deep pool full of candidates who were qualified to lead the University in many different ways. Coleman said that if it had been an open search she would not have considered candi- dacy. She is not the only one who would have refused candidacy, Lewis said. . Lewis said the openness in Harvard's recent presidential search did not seem to harm for- mer University President Lee Bollinger - who Coleman is replacing. See PRESIDENT, Page 7C GEO calls walk- out successful By Maria Sprow Daily Staff Reporter Members of the Graduate Employees Organization and Students Organizing for Labor and Economic Equality joined forces March 11 in a walk-out to stop stu- dents from going to class and workers from working in hopes of sending a mes- sage of solidarity to the University. According to chants heard before the closing rally at the Literature, Science and Arts Building, GEO wants a contract, and they want it now. Though the mission sounds simple, GEO members have said the contract they are fighting for is extraordinary. GEO members estimated that the one- day-long strike, which began with a picket at the Life Sciences Institute construction site at 7 a.m., drew about 500 union mem- bers and 300 undergraduates to the picket lines. The strike also managed to expand past University walls to undergraduate students at Michigan State University, some of whom chose not to attend.classes to show support for their graduate employee union, which formed last year but has yet to sign a contract. The strike See WALK-OUT, Page 7C 4 with 'U' DANNY MOLOSHOK/Daily Former interim University President B. Joseph White looks out of his office in the Fleming Administration Building at picketers supporting the Graduate Employees Organization in Regents Plaza. GEO votes, approves contra( By Jordan Schrader Daily Staf Reporter The 2002-2005 contract between the University and the Graduate Employees Organization was approved on Apr. 7 by GEO members and is ready to be signed. GEO organizers tallied the results of the mail-in ballots sent to members. They voted overwhelmingly to ratify the contract, casting 399 votes in favor and only two oinst Ahut 1 000 hallots were originally in the following weeks to get the contract signed. The contract came after five months of negotia- tions, a one-day walk-out and GEO's threat of an indefinite strike. Rackham student and GEO member Rachel Meyer said the vote was close to unanimity because the bar- gaining team addressed the concerns of most groups within the union, including parents, women, minori- ties and low-fraction graduate student instructors. "We made significant gains in all aspects of our strike platform." she said. GEO organizer Mark Dilley said. When contract negotiations start again in 2004, GEO's new leaders will have a new set of goals based on members' pri- orities, he said. Dilley said one policy the union may try to change is the LSA rule that limits GSIs to 10 terms of paid teaching at the University. "When graduate students are teaching, their own work slows down," requiring that they go beyond the maximum time in their studies, he said. Dilley added that GEO has been looking for ways to change the i ii I