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April 10, 2003 - Image 20

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6B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend Hgazine - Thursday, April 10, 2003
JOSEPH LITMAN - ROPEN' KNOWLEDGE
YOU'RE ABOUT TO WITNESS A DYNASTY LIKE
NONE OTHER

The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine - TI
JEFF DICKERSON -LY THINGIM SAEN
STHE ONLY THING I'LL MISS ABOUT ANN

16 days, I will be graduating,
equipped with a first-class education,
our years of fun and growth, a polit-
ical science degree, no immediately
applicable job skills, and scant prospects
for employment. I could sentimentally,
sappily and predictably reflect upon the
time I've spent in the A-Deuce, but that's
not my steez. I'd rather discuss the future.
I used to work at a Gap store near my
home and could likely go back there
seeking a job, but I don't foresee happi-
ness down the road if I spend years toil-
ing as the Czar of the Khaki Wall.
Besides, that would be a misallocation of
my skills, because I excelled at folding T-
shirts and running the "cash wrap" -
that's some industry lingo for the cash
register. (I know, too inside.)
Aside from my dexterity folding
assorted tops, I actually have few skills. I
don't know how to use HTML, I have no

scientific training that will escort me
toward a predetermined career, and my
prior work experience has mostly
endowed me with knowledge of what I
don't want to do. Really, I am only good
at a few things: watching basketball,
interviewing rappers, shopping (for
almost anything, though, so don't knock
it), talking to people's parents and imitat-
ing my grandmother Triple-B.
All of those qualities don't do much
for me unless I can find a job in broad-
casting, writing, retail, fundraising or
acting like a geriatric, yet few of those
doors are open and I don't even know
where they are. However, having heard
the Diplomats' Diplomatic Immunity last
week, I really am not too worried.
Before I proceed, let me bring the
uninitiated up to speed: Rapper Jay-Z
helped found a music label called Roc-a-
fella Records. Spurred by Jay's success,

the Roc (I know, too inside) expanded
and signed moderately talented Cameron
Giles, who the kids call Cam'ron. Cam
also brought his crew of idiot friends -
collectively, they're known as The
Diplomats - to the Roc and made a
record with them, the aforementioned
Immunity. All of those friends are even
less talented than "The Talent," yet their
record is selling and people seem to like
them for reasons that either escape me or
never even register.
But Joseph, why does this all matter?
It matters because I'd like to follow
Cam's career blueprint - and really
that of unfortunately too many MCs -
and get a record deal for my friends and
I despite our lacking talent.
To the skeptics out there who, upon
reading the last sentence, are either
laughing or scoffing, I ask that you
both remember that style can often

trump substance and read my motivat-
ing thought process, enumerated below,
before judging my career plan as far-
fetched or worse.
To begin, I'd like to assess all that
qualifies me for a career as a hip-hopA
artist and leader of a crew. First, I
already have a name picked out for my
rhyming alter ego: JLitty. Second, I
already have nicknames picked out for
that nickname: Litty, JL, Joe .Lit, and
JLit. (Please note that once I blow up,
my sister may lay proprietary claim to
"JLit" much as the original "Biggie
Smalls" did to his name when foiling
the Notorious B.I.G. However, I was
born before my sister and was JLit
before she was in diapers, so don't be
fooled.) Third, I already have a crew,
and not only that, but the gang fits many
of the criteria for a successful rap posse:
It's coed, so we can produce future
Lil' Kims in addition to the next gener-
ation of Memphis Bleeks and a full cat-
alogue of rap songs with R&B hooks;
it's big, so we can demand a large
assortment of opulent accommodations
like frivolous tour buses; and it's com-
prised of people who already have
nicknames themselves, so we can all
shout each other out in a confusing
morass of synthetic identities.
To paraphrase the upcoming remix of
our yet-to-be-made first single, Lee Mac,
Tandy C, The Zwiggler, Jigga JB,
Johnny School, Mike Scrotch, Dre-dub,
R-dub, EHT, Em Easy, C Murder, BR,
Super Stace, Lil' Weasy, KP and The
AlumnEye (CBrew and Kee-im) are all
in the fornicating-with-your-mom house.
I still need to think of a name for the
clique, but I'm leaning toward the
Tribe, a sufficient moniker that is per-

sonally significant because it would
pay homage to A Tribe Called Quest
and my ethnic heritage. The debut
album could be Members of the Tribe.
So what else qualifies us? Well, much
like the Diplomats (remember, their
schematic is mostly my inspiration), we
are all breathing. More seriously, each of
us is capable of butchering a hot beat
with non-rhyming verses replete with
asinine shout outs to peeps like the
Taliban (don't laugh, it's true) and a jum-
ble of incoherent phrases.
Need more convincing? Like the St.
Lunatics, another crew of dubious
merit, the Tribe can mispronounce.
words like it's a job. In fact, that's what
we intend. Peep our underground joint
"Airre Jordan XI's." Still need more?
The bangin' opening for our next song
is, "Tribe in the house, son/Khmer
Rouge runnin' this shit." After that, it
continues with a bunch of bars that all
rhyme because each ends in the word
"fuck." Not bad, huh?
Several other factors are also work-
ing in Tribe's favor. We already have a
clothing line, an endorsement deal
with Andre Champagne and some
movies about street hustlin' due for
straight-to-video release next year.
They're called "This Ain't a Game"
and "Keep It Gully, Ma" and both fea-
ture Tribe cameos and starring per-
formances from William Zabka and
Bokeem Woodbine.
Now all we need to do is hook up with
Russell Simmons. Does anyone have my
man's two-way number?
-Joseph Litman bids farewell to his
readers. But look for Tribes upcoming
release or e-mail him at
litmanj@umich.edu.

When I first arrived in Ann Arbor I
was just another freshman stuck in
the isolating confines of Bursley. The
first year came and went and I didn't
get the true Ann Arbor experience my
peers were raving about - the par-
ties, the girls and the underage drink-
ing. Places like Best Buy and Meijer
were mere figments of my imagina-
tion as visiting both mecha-stores
involved taking a prolonged busride
to the outskirts of Washtenaw Coun-
ty. On the rare occasion I did venture
outside of the correctional facility-
esque North Campus environment I
always went to the same place - the
State Theater.
The State Theater, while not nearly
as luxuruious as its neighboring movie
venue, attracted me for one simple rea-
son - classic midnight movies every
Saturday. My first trip to the decrepit
movie theater at the intersection of
State and Liberty was for a special
screening of James Cameron's sci-fi
shoot 'em up "Aliens." While the print
was far from good (I remember several
of the key action sequences were
accented with random green blotches)
the notion of seeing one of my favorite

movies on the big screen was enough
to validate going to the University of
Michigan for my undergraduate educa-
tion.
A few weeks later the State Theater
announced it would be showing "Die
Hard" just before fall semester
exams. "Die Hard" has always had a
special significance for me as it was
the first R-rated movie I ever saw in
the theater. Since its initial release in
July of 1988, I have seen the film
well over 300 times and to this day I
don't get sick of seeing Reginald
VelJohnson driving like Stevie Won-
der around the Nakatomi Building.
Looking back at my last four years in
Ann Arbor, my viewing of "Die
Hard" at the State ranks among my
fondest memories.
For every midnight I spent at the
State I probably spent at least four
afternoons roaming around Ann
Arbor's other great movie venue -
the Michigan Theater.
If it wasn't for the Michigan The-
ater I would have never seen many
of the great independent and art-
house film that have been released
in my as a Michigan student. Films

like "Russian Ark," "The Kid Stays
in the Picture" and the recent "Spi-
der" usually play in only 10 cities
around the whole country and Ann
Arbor is fortunate enough to be one
of them thanks to the efforts of the

Michigan Theater.
When i move out of the 48109 zip
code later this month I won't miss
Michigan Stadium, Angell Hall, or
the various coffee shops smothering
our campus. Instead, I'll look back

fondl
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Mich
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Courtesy of 20t iCentury Fox
Don't you have any christmas music?

(C-IJALINO
by
GPs voredDaily.
M h an
Seat:

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LARGEST SELECTION OF FASHION & COMFORT SHOES
MTEVYe
- ~~J 'ADD1E
REACTION'
KENNETH COLE
Thank you Michigan Daily Readers for
Voting Us the Best Shoe Store!
619 E. Liberty
Mast hoes(across from Border's Books) 662-0206

By Daniel Yowell
Daily Arts Writer
For the second-straight year, Jimmy John's has bested
Ann Arbor's wide selection of sandwich shops, once
again proving itself the home of this city's most
scrumptious sub.
Jimmy John's deserves the title not only because it
offers quality ingredients and the best French bread
(excuse me, freedom bread) west of the Atlantic, but
because its three on-campus locations, speedy delivery
and late hours (open until 4:00 a.m. every night) ensure
that almost anytime, anywhere in the city, a Jimmy
John's sandwich is less than 30 minutes away from your
mouth. Whether it's between classes, during a late night
of studying or after leaving the bar, J.J.'s is always a
viable choice for great food.
Referring to Jimmy John's cuisine as just "subs" is
actually a terrible understatement. Each Jimmy John's
sandwich is a finely-crafted work of edible art. Unlike

some sub shops where apathetic employees haphazardly
slather buns with fistfuls of lettuce and dressing, making
more of a casserole than a sandwich, Jimmy John's
employs a team of sub architects who build only struc-
turally-sound sandwiches. Copious servings of provolone
cheese, quality meats, sprouts, lettuce and avocado grace
Jimmy John's tasty French or wheat bread. Miraculously,
the subs are never skimpy and somehow still manage to
stay intact while being eaten.
As if the quality of a Jimmy John's sub were not
already praiseworthy, it also beats out a plethora of
pizza places and competing sandwich shops as the best
place to get cheap food. A Jimmy John's sandwich will
only set you back $3.25; add a bag of chips, a choco-
late chip cookie or an enormous pickle and you're still
shelling out less than five bucks. With such reasonable
prices, even students struggling to pay their rent can
still afford to enjoy a Turkey Tom every once in a
while.

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exit 172
Literty T

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JEWELRY - FURNITURE
POTTEIRY - CANDLES
FLOWERS -EGET
FRUITS - RAKED) COOI)S
ANN A JAMS & JEl IES
ARBOR HONEY - MAPLE SYRUP
SMERS AKET EGGS * DAIRY PRODUCTS
THE MARKET Is Now OPEN HOMEMADE APPAREL
Saturdays & Wednesdays
7am-3pm
EarthDay ,
Festival r
April27
1:00 - 5:00 PM

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FOOT FOR FOOT SCHOOLkIDS 1 EXI
STORE IN THE COUNTRY. THE DEP'
SELECTIO1IN THIS SMALL STORE
A FAN OF THE ORIGIONAL SCHOOULPI
EXILE" IS NO SCHOOLkDS LITE-IT
M.Lipton, editor Graffiti Magazi
332 S. STATElIsIDE aND Dl
NEX TO THEf

ANN ARB1OR: 2245 West Stadium DvI. (between Liberty and Jackson)
P'hone: 734-623-8~202

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