0 6B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend Hgazine - Thursday, April 10, 2003 JOSEPH LITMAN - ROPEN' KNOWLEDGE YOU'RE ABOUT TO WITNESS A DYNASTY LIKE NONE OTHER The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine - TI JEFF DICKERSON -LY THINGIM SAEN STHE ONLY THING I'LL MISS ABOUT ANN 16 days, I will be graduating, equipped with a first-class education, our years of fun and growth, a polit- ical science degree, no immediately applicable job skills, and scant prospects for employment. I could sentimentally, sappily and predictably reflect upon the time I've spent in the A-Deuce, but that's not my steez. I'd rather discuss the future. I used to work at a Gap store near my home and could likely go back there seeking a job, but I don't foresee happi- ness down the road if I spend years toil- ing as the Czar of the Khaki Wall. Besides, that would be a misallocation of my skills, because I excelled at folding T- shirts and running the "cash wrap" - that's some industry lingo for the cash register. (I know, too inside.) Aside from my dexterity folding assorted tops, I actually have few skills. I don't know how to use HTML, I have no scientific training that will escort me toward a predetermined career, and my prior work experience has mostly endowed me with knowledge of what I don't want to do. Really, I am only good at a few things: watching basketball, interviewing rappers, shopping (for almost anything, though, so don't knock it), talking to people's parents and imitat- ing my grandmother Triple-B. All of those qualities don't do much for me unless I can find a job in broad- casting, writing, retail, fundraising or acting like a geriatric, yet few of those doors are open and I don't even know where they are. However, having heard the Diplomats' Diplomatic Immunity last week, I really am not too worried. Before I proceed, let me bring the uninitiated up to speed: Rapper Jay-Z helped found a music label called Roc-a- fella Records. Spurred by Jay's success, the Roc (I know, too inside) expanded and signed moderately talented Cameron Giles, who the kids call Cam'ron. Cam also brought his crew of idiot friends - collectively, they're known as The Diplomats - to the Roc and made a record with them, the aforementioned Immunity. All of those friends are even less talented than "The Talent," yet their record is selling and people seem to like them for reasons that either escape me or never even register. But Joseph, why does this all matter? It matters because I'd like to follow Cam's career blueprint - and really that of unfortunately too many MCs - and get a record deal for my friends and I despite our lacking talent. To the skeptics out there who, upon reading the last sentence, are either laughing or scoffing, I ask that you both remember that style can often trump substance and read my motivat- ing thought process, enumerated below, before judging my career plan as far- fetched or worse. To begin, I'd like to assess all that qualifies me for a career as a hip-hopA artist and leader of a crew. First, I already have a name picked out for my rhyming alter ego: JLitty. Second, I already have nicknames picked out for that nickname: Litty, JL, Joe .Lit, and JLit. (Please note that once I blow up, my sister may lay proprietary claim to "JLit" much as the original "Biggie Smalls" did to his name when foiling the Notorious B.I.G. However, I was born before my sister and was JLit before she was in diapers, so don't be fooled.) Third, I already have a crew, and not only that, but the gang fits many of the criteria for a successful rap posse: It's coed, so we can produce future Lil' Kims in addition to the next gener- ation of Memphis Bleeks and a full cat- alogue of rap songs with R&B hooks; it's big, so we can demand a large assortment of opulent accommodations like frivolous tour buses; and it's com- prised of people who already have nicknames themselves, so we can all shout each other out in a confusing morass of synthetic identities. To paraphrase the upcoming remix of our yet-to-be-made first single, Lee Mac, Tandy C, The Zwiggler, Jigga JB, Johnny School, Mike Scrotch, Dre-dub, R-dub, EHT, Em Easy, C Murder, BR, Super Stace, Lil' Weasy, KP and The AlumnEye (CBrew and Kee-im) are all in the fornicating-with-your-mom house. I still need to think of a name for the clique, but I'm leaning toward the Tribe, a sufficient moniker that is per- sonally significant because it would pay homage to A Tribe Called Quest and my ethnic heritage. The debut album could be Members of the Tribe. So what else qualifies us? Well, much like the Diplomats (remember, their schematic is mostly my inspiration), we are all breathing. More seriously, each of us is capable of butchering a hot beat with non-rhyming verses replete with asinine shout outs to peeps like the Taliban (don't laugh, it's true) and a jum- ble of incoherent phrases. Need more convincing? Like the St. Lunatics, another crew of dubious merit, the Tribe can mispronounce. words like it's a job. In fact, that's what we intend. Peep our underground joint "Airre Jordan XI's." Still need more? The bangin' opening for our next song is, "Tribe in the house, son/Khmer Rouge runnin' this shit." After that, it continues with a bunch of bars that all rhyme because each ends in the word "fuck." Not bad, huh? Several other factors are also work- ing in Tribe's favor. We already have a clothing line, an endorsement deal with Andre Champagne and some movies about street hustlin' due for straight-to-video release next year. They're called "This Ain't a Game" and "Keep It Gully, Ma" and both fea- ture Tribe cameos and starring per- formances from William Zabka and Bokeem Woodbine. Now all we need to do is hook up with Russell Simmons. Does anyone have my man's two-way number? -Joseph Litman bids farewell to his readers. But look for Tribes upcoming release or e-mail him at litmanj@umich.edu. When I first arrived in Ann Arbor I was just another freshman stuck in the isolating confines of Bursley. The first year came and went and I didn't get the true Ann Arbor experience my peers were raving about - the par- ties, the girls and the underage drink- ing. Places like Best Buy and Meijer were mere figments of my imagina- tion as visiting both mecha-stores involved taking a prolonged busride to the outskirts of Washtenaw Coun- ty. On the rare occasion I did venture outside of the correctional facility- esque North Campus environment I always went to the same place - the State Theater. The State Theater, while not nearly as luxuruious as its neighboring movie venue, attracted me for one simple rea- son - classic midnight movies every Saturday. My first trip to the decrepit movie theater at the intersection of State and Liberty was for a special screening of James Cameron's sci-fi shoot 'em up "Aliens." While the print was far from good (I remember several of the key action sequences were accented with random green blotches) the notion of seeing one of my favorite movies on the big screen was enough to validate going to the University of Michigan for my undergraduate educa- tion. A few weeks later the State Theater announced it would be showing "Die Hard" just before fall semester exams. "Die Hard" has always had a special significance for me as it was the first R-rated movie I ever saw in the theater. Since its initial release in July of 1988, I have seen the film well over 300 times and to this day I don't get sick of seeing Reginald VelJohnson driving like Stevie Won- der around the Nakatomi Building. Looking back at my last four years in Ann Arbor, my viewing of "Die Hard" at the State ranks among my fondest memories. For every midnight I spent at the State I probably spent at least four afternoons roaming around Ann Arbor's other great movie venue - the Michigan Theater. If it wasn't for the Michigan The- ater I would have never seen many of the great independent and art- house film that have been released in my as a Michigan student. Films like "Russian Ark," "The Kid Stays in the Picture" and the recent "Spi- der" usually play in only 10 cities around the whole country and Ann Arbor is fortunate enough to be one of them thanks to the efforts of the Michigan Theater. When i move out of the 48109 zip code later this month I won't miss Michigan Stadium, Angell Hall, or the various coffee shops smothering our campus. Instead, I'll look back fondl uncoi Mich watcl I p .$O5I I T -oi- 0 .4. .~... .~... ... c. ~:. % <