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April 11, 2002 - Image 20

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The Michigan Daily, 2002-04-11

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6B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine - Thursday, April 11, 2002

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LYLE HENRETTY2RUMBLE -

LESS THAN ZE FAREWELL

SIMON SAYS 'ALWAYS BET ON BLACK

- LUKE SMITH & WESSON
AT 1600
f'' ^%A A 'T I TI"~

The Michigan Daily- Weekend Ma
Forbidden love and lentil soup
ae
at seductive Jerusalem Garden

'IF YOU HANG AROUND FOR THE PARTY,

%zl-%I y t-% f-"7" r 17-/'1

Y(J(JLL U L-1 I U tt fJIV I I I I t5

T he call came on a crisp
Wednesday afternoon, as the
important calls always tend to do.
Our secretary, Taylor, answered the
phone with her typical sly greeting.
"Less than Zero ... " Her gum snapped
as she set the phone down on the table.
She turned to us, pausing for just a
moment to take in our collective beauty
- "Guys, it's the big one," she
mouthed.
"Put 'em on speaker phone,"
growled Lyle.
Yes, this is the call.
This IS the call.
In a little under a week, we were head-
ing to a posh club somewhere on
Woodward in Detroit. We didn't know

the exact location, but our driver
Jumanji-Fabe ground the chromed out
'88 Oldsmobile Eighty-eight with the
fat rims to a screeching halt in front of
our office.
We knew it was him because we
could see him. Our office has a window.
A big one, a bay window. An hour later,
we pulled up in front of a nondescript
gray building in Detroit. Had Jumanji-
Fabe set us up?
"Get out of here," barked a large
man packing a Colt Magnum with a
barrel the size of Luke's forearm. It
was a big gun.
We stepped out of the car. "Oh, sorry
sirs," pleaded the overgrown man-ape.
"I didn't recognize you beneath the

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deeply tinted windows." He leaned
towards us confidentially. "Please head
around back, look for the red carpet."
The carpet was red, red like blood -
red like vampires feeding on the corpses
of supple young women. Either way, we
stepped onto the carpet.
The stairs spiraled up into the gray
building, deep into its inner sanctum we
climbed. This junket, this press extrave-
ganza was being unrolled simply for the
makers of Less than Zero.
We were a journalistic tag-team, pile-
driving questions at "Blade II"'s biggest
stars Luke Goss and Wesley Snipes.
High gothic ceilings loomed omi-
nously overhead. Posters of Snipes'
stunning visage brandishing a samurai
sword were plastered throughout the
room. He was everywhere.
Waitresses clad in little more than
black bikini bottoms and torn-up
"Blade II" sports bras waited on us
hand and foot. Upon our arrival we had
each been assigned a waitress. Event
coordinator JoAnn said, "We didn't
expect both of you; we'll put our best
girls on you." JoAnn knew our reputa-
tion, and it was in her and the film's best
interest, that we be kept happy. Very
happy.
Lyle's princess for the evening was
named Andy. Luke's wonderfully fertile
hostess for the eve was Glori, "with an
'i' sugar," she informed.
The giant flat screen TV bellowed the
trailer of "Blade II" on repeat. The trail-
er looped on repeat, many times.
A flicker. The flat-screen turned

bright blue, white numbers appearing in
the lower corner - the machine
rewound furiously. With a vengeance.
01:45:99; 01:45:79; 01:45:59;
01:45:01 - it was madness.
We were drinking free booze and rav-
aging tables of exotic deserts, fine cui-
sine.
7:30 - Luke, well into the ice of
his fourth Long Island iced tea is
striking up casual conversation with
chatty publicists. They are all beau-
tiful. Extremely so.
Lyle sips his JW Black, flexing his
fingers, preparing for an exclusive
roundtable interview with "the talent.
His fingers are thick and veiny.
7:40 - Nothing really different from
ten minutes ago. Lyle has been rejected,
and Luke has fabricated a girlfriend to
fend off one of the less than savory pub-
licists. Her name is Belinda. His fic-
tional girlfriend, that is.
Lyle is now drunk.
8:10 - The interviews start late. The
talent wasn't ready. They never are. We
are used to it. In Wesley's own words, he
"doesn't like to do college press." That
being said, Lyle was there representing
the Chicago Tribune, and Luke the
Chicago Sun Times.
8:11 - The interview. Mr. Snipes
was in a good mood and dark glasses.
He commented on how much he
enjoyed Lyle's work with the Chicago
Tribune, and the interview was well
underway.
Luke sent Glori for another Long
Island. That made ten. He was not driv-

ing. He was barely standing.
Snipes smiled as he talked of his
work with Spike Lee, and frowned at
the notion of the nearly in-production
"Passenger 5711: Another Passenger."
9:27 - Interview ends. Luke sits
quietly in a corner, stacks of glasses
piled around his head, which rests in his
hands. Lyle snacks on shrimp kabobs,
lighting a dark brown pipe and ordering
Luke another Long Island. Lyle is now
in 'Old Grandad' mode. Chicks dig it.
10:43 - Lyle is down on the dance
floor of the main room. He dances to
crudely abrasive techno remixes of Boy
George songs. Women in cages beckon,
but Lyle dare not respond to their dis-
eased invitations. Instead, he dances
with a woman who thinks that he is
Snipes' publicist. Indeed, he is not.
11:02 - Despite Luke's soaring
blood-alcohol level, he still entertains
conversation. One notable southern
Michgan television personality asked
the barely conscious journalist, "You
sticking around for the party?"
Luke groaned. It must have meant
'yes.' Affirmative.
"If you stick around for the party,"
remarked said famous southern
Michigan television personality, "you'll
get to see some titties." Raising his eye-
brows and glasses in a single fluid
motion, he clinked one of Luke's emp-
tied glasses and walked away.
'Sweet,' thought Luke. Then he
passed out.
11:13 - After Lyle loudly announced
a correlation between the Queen and the
current scandal in the Catholic Church,
"Blade II" star and member of the
British people Luke Goss challenged
Lyle to a round of fisticuffs. With both
Johnny W and Grandad on his side, Lyle
gave both barrels to the film star and
martial arts expert.
Both barrels were expeditiously
tossed over the dessert table and soon
laying on top of an intern from 97.1,
Detroit's FM talk station.
11:13 and thirty-two seconds - The
clicking of stilletto hills and the abra-
sive scraping of sweaty spandex perme-
ated Lyle's throbbing head. It was Glori.
"Lyle," she yelled, "come quick,
Luke's trying to booty dance to the new
Ja Rule remix. It's bad."
But it wasn't that bad.
But Goss was still after Lyle, and all
the publicists had crowed around
Snipes. It was time to get the car.
11:14 - Lyle flipped open his Nokia
and two-wayed Jumanji-Fab. Luke put
his final Long Island of the evening into
a styrafoam cup with a sipper-seal top.
We reunited at the shrimp table and
headed for the door.
We had some unfinished business to
take care of. We paid two local ruffians
to slash the tires on the Goss limo. We
slapped five just as our driver bounced
the Olds to the curb.
"I love this job sometimes," Lyle
grinned, lighting a Black and Mild with
a waterproof match. Luke sipped his
drink and laughed and laughed.
- Luke and Lyle can be reached at
teh.pimpz@umich.edu. Farewell to the
seven people that regularly read, and
the three who send naked pictures.

In my dream, she knows the secret formula for their perfect cannot precisely say why I love Mjaddara so. Is it the way
lentil soup. She's hip enough to work there, but also not-hip she laughs at my jokes or just the cumin? The way she com-
enough to work there. When I walk in the door to the restau- forts me when I'm down, or the way the pita hugs the Mjad-
rant, she kisses me and already knows my order. After I'm dara and tabouli (I modify the sandwich slightly from the
done eating, no bill appears. I tip big anyway. menu) tightly, forming a little world in which only our love
Jerusalem Garden is my favorite restaurant in Ann Arbor. exists?
I've only ever eaten two things there. Yet, I know that it is my But, alas, my love, it is divided. My heart stretches to a
favorite restaurant just like, though I've only seen her a handful humble little number, dangerously affordable and entirely
of times in my daydreams, the girl above should definitely go unassuming: Lentil soup. It's more common and recogniz-
out with me. (Note: Any resemblance between the dream girl able (to the average diner) as a concept, but Jerusalem Gar-
described above and any current, former or future actual den takes it to new heights. I order it like I call an old friend,
Jerusalem Garden employee is purely coincidental.) "Hey, Tom, how ya doing?" - "Yeah, and a lentil soup
People tell me that the chicken shwarma is good - it's please." And it comes with a slice of lemon like Tom always
something like Jerusalem Garden's "Jeez, I don't eat Middle wears Chuck Taylors - dependable but never boring.
Eastern food, but my friend wanted to go here, so I'll be safe Like my dream girl.
and order the one with chicken in
it" mainstay. I'm sure it's delicious x
like some big name actress or M1
model is "hot," but I prefer a little ~' <
more intrigue and mystery. Come
on, seduce me! Chicken - chick-
en's not seductive. But since it's!
Jerusalem Garden, I'm sure it's a
fine sandwich. Just like I'm sure
that the falafel with hommous
sandwich, the standard for the
slightly more adventurous crowd,
could wallop a Whopper any day.
Still, it's so predictable and main.
stream! So Nicole Kidman or
Heidi Klum! Bring on the curious
girl with the mischievous smile
and the heroin haircut. Bring me
Mjaddara.
I shall name my first born EMMA FOSDICK/Daily
daughter after it. I can hear myself Somewhere within these walls is a mysterious siren making hommous.
of intoxicated student cuisine

By Keith N.Dusenberry
Daily Music Editor

By Andy Taylor-Fabe
Daily Film Editor

(

The brightly lit signs of the drivers' car is a bea
U
Pizza Hous
of late nigi

now, "Mjaddara, honey, dinner's ready" or "Time to brush
your teeth, Mjaddara." You want mystery? You want
intrigue? How about something as simple as rice, lentil
beans and onions cooked together and served in a pita? That,
in essence, is the Mjaddara sandwich. "But that's so plain
and boring," you're thinking. Ah, but let me tell you about
the spices. Wait a second, you wouldn't make a man pinpoint
why he feels the way he does about his lover, and similarly, I

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Daily Film Editor

Jimmy John's has perfected the bal-
ance between cheap food and good (or
as they call it, gourmet) food. Usually,
cheap subs mean severe gastro-intesti-
nal distress, and really good subs mean
not eating for a week afterward for lack
of funds (Maize 'n Blue), but Jimmy
John's manages to strike equilibrium.
With a short but varied menu,
Jimmy John's can suit all tastes in the
realm of the almighty sub. The subs
range from the traditional roast beef or
Italian subs to creations like the Beach
Club, which has avocado and sprouts
in addition to the standard turkey and
cheese. However, even though the
sandwiches are excellent, the hidden

treasure at Jimmy John's is the choco-
late chip cookies, which lie nearly out
of sight by the registers.
The most difficult challenge present-
ed to the devoted Jimmy John's cus-
tomer is figuring out the schedule of
when the bread is fresh. I'm not sure
what their schedule
is, but it is as hard
to figure out as the "
theory of unified
energy. \
The rule o f
thumb is that any
time you show up p
between post-din- ,
ner time and the '
late night stoner
rush, you are
bound to get some{
french bread that is,
slightly crunchy.
And speaking of t '
weed, Jimmy . &
John's is the Mecca
of the grinning, Hippies use side door

slow-walking masses that roam the
streets throughout the night, and with
late hours and fast delivery rivaling
Pizza House, Jimmy John's is a force
to be reckoned with.
Oh, and if you're one of those people
who gets the wheat bread, stop.

Best Overall Restaurant - Not
to denigrate Pizza House, but the only
explanation for this award is that the
majority of people voting have not ven-
tured past the Diag on their extensive
quest for fine dining. Pizza House does
have some damn good food, but there
are many other places west of State
Street that are more qualified for this
award.
Best Restaurant for Large
Groups - If it's a weekend night
around pre or post-bar time, Pizza
House will be packed with hoards of
unruly and famished students. Luckily,
the restaurant is equipped to handle
massive groups at any time of the
night. The fast and friendly wait-staff
is always ready to handle the larger
orders (just don't order more than a
couple milkshakes for one party; they
hate that).
The recent renovation of the outdoor
terrace, which is now the enclosed
smoking section, is an added bonus for
larger groups.
Best Late Night Munchies -
When it comes to sit-down restau-
rants that are close to campus and open
until the crack of dawn, Pizza House is
the only game in town. Some may say
that the Fleetwood Diner deserves this
award, and it does have many advan-
tages, but the Fleetwood's severely lim-
ited seating and its proximity to
campus give Pizza House the edge.
Late night is the time to hit the appe-
tizer menu. Their three cheese que-
sadillas are possibly nature's perfect
food, but the steak fries and pepperoni
sticks put up a good show.
Best Take-out - The biggest
fear of anyone ordering pizza is that
their order will be last in the driver's
run and will arrive cold and slightly

poor

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