0 1@ 0 -W 6B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine - Thursday, April 11, 2002 r::... . ... %+ , p iF ^ F' .:....3Z, !'. LYLE HENRETTY2RUMBLE - LESS THAN ZE FAREWELL SIMON SAYS 'ALWAYS BET ON BLACK - LUKE SMITH & WESSON AT 1600 f'' ^%A A 'T I TI"~ The Michigan Daily- Weekend Ma Forbidden love and lentil soup ae at seductive Jerusalem Garden 'IF YOU HANG AROUND FOR THE PARTY, %zl-%I y t-% f-"7" r 17-/'1 Y(J(JLL U L-1 I U tt fJIV I I I I t5 T he call came on a crisp Wednesday afternoon, as the important calls always tend to do. Our secretary, Taylor, answered the phone with her typical sly greeting. "Less than Zero ... " Her gum snapped as she set the phone down on the table. She turned to us, pausing for just a moment to take in our collective beauty - "Guys, it's the big one," she mouthed. "Put 'em on speaker phone," growled Lyle. Yes, this is the call. This IS the call. In a little under a week, we were head- ing to a posh club somewhere on Woodward in Detroit. We didn't know the exact location, but our driver Jumanji-Fabe ground the chromed out '88 Oldsmobile Eighty-eight with the fat rims to a screeching halt in front of our office. We knew it was him because we could see him. Our office has a window. A big one, a bay window. An hour later, we pulled up in front of a nondescript gray building in Detroit. Had Jumanji- Fabe set us up? "Get out of here," barked a large man packing a Colt Magnum with a barrel the size of Luke's forearm. It was a big gun. We stepped out of the car. "Oh, sorry sirs," pleaded the overgrown man-ape. "I didn't recognize you beneath the - Additional FREE Help - Expert Instructors . Current Test Materials - Online Learning - Satisfaction Guarantee Mention this ad when you enroll in any full course and receive $50 off the cost! 800/2REVIEW www.princetonreview.com deeply tinted windows." He leaned towards us confidentially. "Please head around back, look for the red carpet." The carpet was red, red like blood - red like vampires feeding on the corpses of supple young women. Either way, we stepped onto the carpet. The stairs spiraled up into the gray building, deep into its inner sanctum we climbed. This junket, this press extrave- ganza was being unrolled simply for the makers of Less than Zero. We were a journalistic tag-team, pile- driving questions at "Blade II"'s biggest stars Luke Goss and Wesley Snipes. High gothic ceilings loomed omi- nously overhead. Posters of Snipes' stunning visage brandishing a samurai sword were plastered throughout the room. He was everywhere. Waitresses clad in little more than black bikini bottoms and torn-up "Blade II" sports bras waited on us hand and foot. Upon our arrival we had each been assigned a waitress. Event coordinator JoAnn said, "We didn't expect both of you; we'll put our best girls on you." JoAnn knew our reputa- tion, and it was in her and the film's best interest, that we be kept happy. Very happy. Lyle's princess for the evening was named Andy. Luke's wonderfully fertile hostess for the eve was Glori, "with an 'i' sugar," she informed. The giant flat screen TV bellowed the trailer of "Blade II" on repeat. The trail- er looped on repeat, many times. A flicker. The flat-screen turned bright blue, white numbers appearing in the lower corner - the machine rewound furiously. With a vengeance. 01:45:99; 01:45:79; 01:45:59; 01:45:01 - it was madness. We were drinking free booze and rav- aging tables of exotic deserts, fine cui- sine. 7:30 - Luke, well into the ice of his fourth Long Island iced tea is striking up casual conversation with chatty publicists. They are all beau- tiful. Extremely so. Lyle sips his JW Black, flexing his fingers, preparing for an exclusive roundtable interview with "the talent. His fingers are thick and veiny. 7:40 - Nothing really different from ten minutes ago. Lyle has been rejected, and Luke has fabricated a girlfriend to fend off one of the less than savory pub- licists. Her name is Belinda. His fic- tional girlfriend, that is. Lyle is now drunk. 8:10 - The interviews start late. The talent wasn't ready. They never are. We are used to it. In Wesley's own words, he "doesn't like to do college press." That being said, Lyle was there representing the Chicago Tribune, and Luke the Chicago Sun Times. 8:11 - The interview. Mr. Snipes was in a good mood and dark glasses. He commented on how much he enjoyed Lyle's work with the Chicago Tribune, and the interview was well underway. Luke sent Glori for another Long Island. That made ten. He was not driv- ing. He was barely standing. Snipes smiled as he talked of his work with Spike Lee, and frowned at the notion of the nearly in-production "Passenger 5711: Another Passenger." 9:27 - Interview ends. Luke sits quietly in a corner, stacks of glasses piled around his head, which rests in his hands. Lyle snacks on shrimp kabobs, lighting a dark brown pipe and ordering Luke another Long Island. Lyle is now in 'Old Grandad' mode. Chicks dig it. 10:43 - Lyle is down on the dance floor of the main room. He dances to crudely abrasive techno remixes of Boy George songs. Women in cages beckon, but Lyle dare not respond to their dis- eased invitations. Instead, he dances with a woman who thinks that he is Snipes' publicist. Indeed, he is not. 11:02 - Despite Luke's soaring blood-alcohol level, he still entertains conversation. One notable southern Michgan television personality asked the barely conscious journalist, "You sticking around for the party?" Luke groaned. It must have meant 'yes.' Affirmative. "If you stick around for the party," remarked said famous southern Michigan television personality, "you'll get to see some titties." Raising his eye- brows and glasses in a single fluid motion, he clinked one of Luke's emp- tied glasses and walked away. 'Sweet,' thought Luke. Then he passed out. 11:13 - After Lyle loudly announced a correlation between the Queen and the current scandal in the Catholic Church, "Blade II" star and member of the British people Luke Goss challenged Lyle to a round of fisticuffs. With both Johnny W and Grandad on his side, Lyle gave both barrels to the film star and martial arts expert. Both barrels were expeditiously tossed over the dessert table and soon laying on top of an intern from 97.1, Detroit's FM talk station. 11:13 and thirty-two seconds - The clicking of stilletto hills and the abra- sive scraping of sweaty spandex perme- ated Lyle's throbbing head. It was Glori. "Lyle," she yelled, "come quick, Luke's trying to booty dance to the new Ja Rule remix. It's bad." But it wasn't that bad. But Goss was still after Lyle, and all the publicists had crowed around Snipes. It was time to get the car. 11:14 - Lyle flipped open his Nokia and two-wayed Jumanji-Fab. Luke put his final Long Island of the evening into a styrafoam cup with a sipper-seal top. We reunited at the shrimp table and headed for the door. We had some unfinished business to take care of. We paid two local ruffians to slash the tires on the Goss limo. We slapped five just as our driver bounced the Olds to the curb. "I love this job sometimes," Lyle grinned, lighting a Black and Mild with a waterproof match. Luke sipped his drink and laughed and laughed. - Luke and Lyle can be reached at teh.pimpz@umich.edu. Farewell to the seven people that regularly read, and the three who send naked pictures. In my dream, she knows the secret formula for their perfect cannot precisely say why I love Mjaddara so. Is it the way lentil soup. She's hip enough to work there, but also not-hip she laughs at my jokes or just the cumin? The way she com- enough to work there. When I walk in the door to the restau- forts me when I'm down, or the way the pita hugs the Mjad- rant, she kisses me and already knows my order. After I'm dara and tabouli (I modify the sandwich slightly from the done eating, no bill appears. I tip big anyway. menu) tightly, forming a little world in which only our love Jerusalem Garden is my favorite restaurant in Ann Arbor. exists? I've only ever eaten two things there. Yet, I know that it is my But, alas, my love, it is divided. My heart stretches to a favorite restaurant just like, though I've only seen her a handful humble little number, dangerously affordable and entirely of times in my daydreams, the girl above should definitely go unassuming: Lentil soup. It's more common and recogniz- out with me. (Note: Any resemblance between the dream girl able (to the average diner) as a concept, but Jerusalem Gar- described above and any current, former or future actual den takes it to new heights. I order it like I call an old friend, Jerusalem Garden employee is purely coincidental.) "Hey, Tom, how ya doing?" - "Yeah, and a lentil soup People tell me that the chicken shwarma is good - it's please." And it comes with a slice of lemon like Tom always something like Jerusalem Garden's "Jeez, I don't eat Middle wears Chuck Taylors - dependable but never boring. Eastern food, but my friend wanted to go here, so I'll be safe Like my dream girl. and order the one with chicken in it" mainstay. I'm sure it's delicious x like some big name actress or M1 model is "hot," but I prefer a little ~' < more intrigue and mystery. Come on, seduce me! Chicken - chick- en's not seductive. But since it's! Jerusalem Garden, I'm sure it's a fine sandwich. Just like I'm sure that the falafel with hommous sandwich, the standard for the slightly more adventurous crowd, could wallop a Whopper any day. Still, it's so predictable and main. stream! So Nicole Kidman or Heidi Klum! Bring on the curious girl with the mischievous smile and the heroin haircut. Bring me Mjaddara. I shall name my first born EMMA FOSDICK/Daily daughter after it. I can hear myself Somewhere within these walls is a mysterious siren making hommous. of intoxicated student cuisine By Keith N.Dusenberry Daily Music Editor By Andy Taylor-Fabe Daily Film Editor ( The brightly lit signs of the drivers' car is a bea U Pizza Hous of late nigi now, "Mjaddara, honey, dinner's ready" or "Time to brush your teeth, Mjaddara." You want mystery? You want intrigue? How about something as simple as rice, lentil beans and onions cooked together and served in a pita? That, in essence, is the Mjaddara sandwich. "But that's so plain and boring," you're thinking. Ah, but let me tell you about the spices. Wait a second, you wouldn't make a man pinpoint why he feels the way he does about his lover, and similarly, I Best in music lA - Best music gifts for the graduate - Best classical collections - Best jazz repertoire - Best Broadway selections - Best teaching methods Best Piano Rental %2 Program in the Area " Bring this ad ind to receive discount.K KING' 2333 E. Stadium " Ann Arbor " sales@kingskeyboard.com (734) 663-3381 0 Mon 9:30-8, Tues-Fri 9:30-7, Sat 10-5, Sun 1-5 By Andy Taylor-Fabe Daily Film Editor Jimmy John's has perfected the bal- ance between cheap food and good (or as they call it, gourmet) food. Usually, cheap subs mean severe gastro-intesti- nal distress, and really good subs mean not eating for a week afterward for lack of funds (Maize 'n Blue), but Jimmy John's manages to strike equilibrium. With a short but varied menu, Jimmy John's can suit all tastes in the realm of the almighty sub. The subs range from the traditional roast beef or Italian subs to creations like the Beach Club, which has avocado and sprouts in addition to the standard turkey and cheese. However, even though the sandwiches are excellent, the hidden treasure at Jimmy John's is the choco- late chip cookies, which lie nearly out of sight by the registers. The most difficult challenge present- ed to the devoted Jimmy John's cus- tomer is figuring out the schedule of when the bread is fresh. I'm not sure what their schedule is, but it is as hard to figure out as the " theory of unified energy. \ The rule o f thumb is that any time you show up p between post-din- , ner time and the ' late night stoner rush, you are bound to get some{ french bread that is, slightly crunchy. And speaking of t ' weed, Jimmy . & John's is the Mecca of the grinning, Hippies use side door slow-walking masses that roam the streets throughout the night, and with late hours and fast delivery rivaling Pizza House, Jimmy John's is a force to be reckoned with. Oh, and if you're one of those people who gets the wheat bread, stop. Best Overall Restaurant - Not to denigrate Pizza House, but the only explanation for this award is that the majority of people voting have not ven- tured past the Diag on their extensive quest for fine dining. Pizza House does have some damn good food, but there are many other places west of State Street that are more qualified for this award. Best Restaurant for Large Groups - If it's a weekend night around pre or post-bar time, Pizza House will be packed with hoards of unruly and famished students. Luckily, the restaurant is equipped to handle massive groups at any time of the night. The fast and friendly wait-staff is always ready to handle the larger orders (just don't order more than a couple milkshakes for one party; they hate that). The recent renovation of the outdoor terrace, which is now the enclosed smoking section, is an added bonus for larger groups. Best Late Night Munchies - When it comes to sit-down restau- rants that are close to campus and open until the crack of dawn, Pizza House is the only game in town. Some may say that the Fleetwood Diner deserves this award, and it does have many advan- tages, but the Fleetwood's severely lim- ited seating and its proximity to campus give Pizza House the edge. Late night is the time to hit the appe- tizer menu. Their three cheese que- sadillas are possibly nature's perfect food, but the steak fries and pepperoni sticks put up a good show. Best Take-out - The biggest fear of anyone ordering pizza is that their order will be last in the driver's run and will arrive cold and slightly poor