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March 28, 2002 - Image 4

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The Michigan Daily, 2002-03-28

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4A - The Michigan Daily - Thursday, March 28, 2002



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SINCE 1890

Editor in Chief
Editorial Page Editor

Unless otherwise noted, unsigned editorials reflect the opinion of the majority of the Daily's
editorial board. All other articles, letters and cartoons do not
necessarily reflect the opinion of The Michigan Daily.

CCToday I filed suit
to defend the First
Amendment right of
all Americans to
be able to fully
participate in the
political process."
- Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.), as quoted
in The New York Times, who sued yesterday
in a challenge to the constitutionality of the
new campaign finance reform bill.




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From the AD: Bill Martin on the grand jury indictment

by Bill Martin
All of us in the Athletic Department
and in the senior leadership of the Univer-
sity were shocked and dismayed by what
was recently revealed in the grand jury
indictment alleging that four of our former
basketball players received loans from Ed
Martin. The amounts of money involved
are staggering.
We are taking these charges very, very
seriously. They violate the core values of
honesty and integrity that we strive to
uphold in all of our programs.
Unfortunately, we have been grappling
with these issues for more than five
years,and still have not put them behind
us. The shadows of problems that began
more than a decade ago are casting a pall
on a new coach and a different set of play-
ers, who cannot begin to understand the
choices that were made by players long
since gone from our campus.
When problems first came to light in
1996, the University conducted an
exhaustive investigation in concert with
the Big Ten and the NCAA. Most of the
violations that were rumored were not

substantiated by that inquiry, because peo-
ple could not be forced to tell what they
knew. We were lacking the subpoena
power that the federal government was
able to use in its investigation.
Even so, the Athletic Department decid-
ed to make a number of changes in order to
prevent such a thing from ever occurring
again. Tighter controls have been placed on
who can be given tickets and access to
places where players are, such as the tunnel
in Crisler Arena. Information about players,
such as the cars they register, is more close-
ly tracked. A new compliance officer has
been hired and given more independence
and authority.
Even more important are the expecta-
tions set by our 450,000 alumni and the
leadership of the University, from the
University Board of Regents and the pres-
ident to the athletic director and the head
coach. We must demand adherence to the
highest standards. I believe one of my
most important responsibilities as an ath-
letic director is to hire coaches and staff
of honor and integrity who can win the
right way at the national level.
From the very beginning of this situa-

tion in 1996, we reported everything we
learned to the NCAA, and we have been
working closely with them ever since. We
also have offered our complete coopera-
tion to the U.S. Attorney. The NCAA will
respond to the University as more facts
become known. It will be very important
to learn what really occurred before deci-
sions are made about next steps. Only
time and the development of the federal
case will make clear the details behind
these allegations.
If anything good comes out of this
process, it may be that we will finally be
able to bring this dark chapter in Michi-
gan athletic history to a close. As painful
as this has been, I have great hope for the
future of Michigan basketball.
When Head Coach Tommy Amaker
and I discussed him accepting this posi-
tion at Michigan, he said, "Bill, you and I
are joined at the hip when it comes to our
shared values." Coach Amaker and I are
joined at the hip even more today as we
continue to develop the kind of basketball
program our Michigan family expects.
Martin is the University's Athletic Director.


MSA The Martin Short Army


Afew weeks ago, I
wrote a column
that never quite
ended up running about
why all our classes
should be taught by Mar-
tin Short. It would have
been so good - the col-
umn, I mean. I had a bril-
liantly elaborate vision in
which all Graduate Employees Organiza-
tion members would go on strike, prompt-
ing mass firings by University ad-
ministrators. An academic crisis followed,
as a greedy University was thrust into the
national spotlight, criticized for its labor
policies and forced to find some way to fill
its classrooms with instructors while at the
same time repairing its battered image.
At this point the column got really
good. My vision saw Martin Short (the man
who played such memorable roles as
Franck Eggelhoffer, Clifford, Jack Putter
and Ned Nederlander) remedy the entire
situation. I don't have the space or the time
to go into it here, but Short found a way,
believe me. I can't tell you what exactly he
did, obviously, but it involved a lot of
studying, a lot of cloning, a little imagina-
tion and very little money.
Well, what was interesting about all this
and the reason the column (the column I'm
describing about the vision I had) didn't
end up running was because GEO actually
did strike! Well! That certainly threw me
for a bit of a loop. What are the odds? They
struck or striked or did strike and I was

advised by friends and editors to withhold
this now seemingly prophetic vision from
the public. They feared that it was like I
had traveled back in time with an important
piece of information and if I wasn't careful
I might upset the ever-delicate space-time
continuum (tangential side note: Martin
Short starred with Michael J. Fox, of the
"Back to the Future" trilogy fame, in the
1996 Tim Burton masterpiece "Mars
Attacks". Michael J. Fox also played a
character named 'Marty' in the aforemen-
tioned "Back to the Future". Hmmm...).
I did not release the column. Instead I
wrote an insightful and personal piece about
that horrid business in the Middle East.
The University and GEO reached an
agreement, which, if not completely fair,
seems to satisfy both parties. While I
applaud the reconciliation of differences
between union and employer, I cannot help
but boast of my own utopian vision of what
could have been. My army of Martin Shorts
(I call it the MSA: Martin Short Army)
teaching everything from quantum physics
to Orwellian theory led the University into
a golden age of education. "A Martin Short
in every classroom: Comedian saves U"
read the headline in the Daily.
There was no labor dispute, no greed, no
corrupted Fab Five legacy and no misrepre-
sented mural of Guernica across from the
Fishbowl (don't get me started on that disre-
spectful monstrosity). There was just (and
please pardon the latent homoeroticism of
this part of the vision) me and Martin Short,
sipping lemonade under a tree somewhere,

him teaching me something useful. Sipping
and teaching, teaching and sipping.
Even if the column had run, I don't
think the University would have gone for
the idea. Very small-minded, our Universi-
ty; very shortsighted and panicky, too. If I
were interim University President B.
Joseph White or whoever was calling the
shots in the GEO negotiations, I wouldn't
have given in to them. Y'all don't want to
work? Don't work. We can wait for some-
thing better to come along - something
like an army of Martin Shorts.
I wish the column could have been read.
I wish everyone could have understood
how beneficial cloning Martin Short ....
Oh! I almost forgot! In my vision Martin
Short did more than just settle the GEO
labor dispute. The MSA (Martin Short
Army) of Martin Short clones solved so
many other problems too. It re-strength-
ened the economy, cured cancer, picked up
litter in public parks, instituted a fall term
break and developed a truly affordable
long- distance calling plan.
My hope is that someone here at Michi-
gan - a University at the forefront of
genome research - has the sense to
inquire into the rest of my vision. Again, I
can't disclose all of it in this space, but I
would be happy to do so if some enterpris-
ing young doctor simply asks. Trust me:
Martin Shorts can solve problems.
David Horn has gotten caught up with the
Army of the 12 Monkeys, but he can be
reached at hornd@umich.edu.



I complet
Qaida in Afg
sary and has b
out of leftist
against and h
in Iraq. Con
knows that an
Iraq will be to
not stop until1

All it needs is love -and massive foreign aid
Israel would be forced to decide how to I propose the U.S. take a revolutionary
by Nick Occhipinti defend itself - if it could not handle the approach towards Iraq: Embrace them. Give
attack and was facing annihilation, it would them massive humanitarian aid, build great
ely support the bombing of al- almost certainly go nuclear. With almost 300 cities in the Kurdish North and rebuild
hanistan. I feel that it is neces- nuclear weapons, Israel would be able to Baghdad (it will be cheaper than a war): Try
been handled decently, so it isn't effectively end the Middle East as we know to coax them along as we are with China.
t dogma that I am absolutely it, killing itself in the process. Honey always attracts more bees than vine-
orrified at overt military action Just as likely and equally horrible, what gar. Take away some of the fuel that has
isider this: Saddam Hussein if Hussein fires biological weapons on motivated terrorists to bring down the Twin
ay future military action against invading U.S. troops and we see our sol- Towers. Come on Bushies, I know George
) take him out of power and will diers melting on CNN? Bush would certain- got gentleman Cs at Yale, but most of you
his regime has been dismantled, ly respond with a massive nuclear attack or are fairly bright.


as was the Taliban. He also knows his con-
ventional military does not stand a chance
against the ridiculously superior U.S. armed
forces. His forces stand at one-third the size
of Gulf War levels while ours have advanced.
Hussein closely watched Vice President Dick
Cheney's trip around the Middle East and he
knows that the Arab world will not stand
behind a U.S. attack.
So, in the event of a U.S. attack, he will
launch missiles at Israel to try to drag them
in e a ri nria he fCadf War .It didn't

something similarly devastating, effectively
ending Iraq, killing millions of innocent
civilians and ending the United States as a
beacon of freedom and justice forever.
The chances of this whole escalation are
not likely, but each step is not inconceivable.
Why attack Iraq? What threat does Iraq pose
to the United States? Almost zero. Iraq poses
zero military threat to the U.S. The only pos-
sible threat it poses is terrorism done so
covertly that its chances of success are mini-
mal. Hussein knows~ thait if theU.JS. discovers

Occhipinti is an LSA senior.



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