4A - The Michigan Daily - Thursday, March 28, 2002 OP/ED 4 abe £ir+ti N 420 MAYNARD STREET ANN ARBOR, MI 48109 letters@michigandaily.com EDITED AND MANAGED BY STUDENTS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SINCE 1890 JON SCHWARTZ Editor in Chief JOHANNA HANINK Editorial Page Editor Unless otherwise noted, unsigned editorials reflect the opinion of the majority of the Daily's editorial board. All other articles, letters and cartoons do not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Michigan Daily. NOTABLE QUOTABLE CCToday I filed suit to defend the First Amendment right of all Americans to be able to fully participate in the political process." - Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.), as quoted in The New York Times, who sued yesterday in a challenge to the constitutionality of the new campaign finance reform bill. SAM BUTLER THE SOAPBOX Q ov ' k I'11. AcoFa g uo f . $Q tact 1I4-tit M ddic5 i , dori Wa ' '}' ' 'o ta1K ' ,. r " \\ 0 } m I VIEWPOINT From the AD: Bill Martin on the grand jury indictment by Bill Martin All of us in the Athletic Department and in the senior leadership of the Univer- sity were shocked and dismayed by what was recently revealed in the grand jury indictment alleging that four of our former basketball players received loans from Ed Martin. The amounts of money involved are staggering. We are taking these charges very, very seriously. They violate the core values of honesty and integrity that we strive to uphold in all of our programs. Unfortunately, we have been grappling with these issues for more than five years,and still have not put them behind us. The shadows of problems that began more than a decade ago are casting a pall on a new coach and a different set of play- ers, who cannot begin to understand the choices that were made by players long since gone from our campus. When problems first came to light in 1996, the University conducted an exhaustive investigation in concert with the Big Ten and the NCAA. Most of the violations that were rumored were not substantiated by that inquiry, because peo- ple could not be forced to tell what they knew. We were lacking the subpoena power that the federal government was able to use in its investigation. Even so, the Athletic Department decid- ed to make a number of changes in order to prevent such a thing from ever occurring again. Tighter controls have been placed on who can be given tickets and access to places where players are, such as the tunnel in Crisler Arena. Information about players, such as the cars they register, is more close- ly tracked. A new compliance officer has been hired and given more independence and authority. Even more important are the expecta- tions set by our 450,000 alumni and the leadership of the University, from the University Board of Regents and the pres- ident to the athletic director and the head coach. We must demand adherence to the highest standards. I believe one of my most important responsibilities as an ath- letic director is to hire coaches and staff of honor and integrity who can win the right way at the national level. From the very beginning of this situa- tion in 1996, we reported everything we learned to the NCAA, and we have been working closely with them ever since. We also have offered our complete coopera- tion to the U.S. Attorney. The NCAA will respond to the University as more facts become known. It will be very important to learn what really occurred before deci- sions are made about next steps. Only time and the development of the federal case will make clear the details behind these allegations. If anything good comes out of this process, it may be that we will finally be able to bring this dark chapter in Michi- gan athletic history to a close. As painful as this has been, I have great hope for the future of Michigan basketball. When Head Coach Tommy Amaker and I discussed him accepting this posi- tion at Michigan, he said, "Bill, you and I are joined at the hip when it comes to our shared values." Coach Amaker and I are joined at the hip even more today as we continue to develop the kind of basketball program our Michigan family expects. Martin is the University's Athletic Director. a MSA The Martin Short Army DAVID HORN HORNOGRAPHY 0 Afew weeks ago, I wrote a column that never quite ended up running about why all our classes should be taught by Mar- tin Short. It would have been so good - the col- umn, I mean. I had a bril- liantly elaborate vision in which all Graduate Employees Organiza- tion members would go on strike, prompt- ing mass firings by University ad- ministrators. An academic crisis followed, as a greedy University was thrust into the national spotlight, criticized for its labor policies and forced to find some way to fill its classrooms with instructors while at the same time repairing its battered image. At this point the column got really good. My vision saw Martin Short (the man who played such memorable roles as Franck Eggelhoffer, Clifford, Jack Putter and Ned Nederlander) remedy the entire situation. I don't have the space or the time to go into it here, but Short found a way, believe me. I can't tell you what exactly he did, obviously, but it involved a lot of studying, a lot of cloning, a little imagina- tion and very little money. Well, what was interesting about all this and the reason the column (the column I'm describing about the vision I had) didn't end up running was because GEO actually did strike! Well! That certainly threw me for a bit of a loop. What are the odds? They struck or striked or did strike and I was advised by friends and editors to withhold this now seemingly prophetic vision from the public. They feared that it was like I had traveled back in time with an important piece of information and if I wasn't careful I might upset the ever-delicate space-time continuum (tangential side note: Martin Short starred with Michael J. Fox, of the "Back to the Future" trilogy fame, in the 1996 Tim Burton masterpiece "Mars Attacks". Michael J. Fox also played a character named 'Marty' in the aforemen- tioned "Back to the Future". Hmmm...). I did not release the column. Instead I wrote an insightful and personal piece about that horrid business in the Middle East. The University and GEO reached an agreement, which, if not completely fair, seems to satisfy both parties. While I applaud the reconciliation of differences between union and employer, I cannot help but boast of my own utopian vision of what could have been. My army of Martin Shorts (I call it the MSA: Martin Short Army) teaching everything from quantum physics to Orwellian theory led the University into a golden age of education. "A Martin Short in every classroom: Comedian saves U" read the headline in the Daily. There was no labor dispute, no greed, no corrupted Fab Five legacy and no misrepre- sented mural of Guernica across from the Fishbowl (don't get me started on that disre- spectful monstrosity). There was just (and please pardon the latent homoeroticism of this part of the vision) me and Martin Short, sipping lemonade under a tree somewhere, him teaching me something useful. Sipping and teaching, teaching and sipping. Even if the column had run, I don't think the University would have gone for the idea. Very small-minded, our Universi- ty; very shortsighted and panicky, too. If I were interim University President B. Joseph White or whoever was calling the shots in the GEO negotiations, I wouldn't have given in to them. Y'all don't want to work? Don't work. We can wait for some- thing better to come along - something like an army of Martin Shorts. I wish the column could have been read. I wish everyone could have understood how beneficial cloning Martin Short .... Oh! I almost forgot! In my vision Martin Short did more than just settle the GEO labor dispute. The MSA (Martin Short Army) of Martin Short clones solved so many other problems too. It re-strength- ened the economy, cured cancer, picked up litter in public parks, instituted a fall term break and developed a truly affordable long- distance calling plan. My hope is that someone here at Michi- gan - a University at the forefront of genome research - has the sense to inquire into the rest of my vision. Again, I can't disclose all of it in this space, but I would be happy to do so if some enterpris- ing young doctor simply asks. Trust me: Martin Shorts can solve problems. David Horn has gotten caught up with the Army of the 12 Monkeys, but he can be reached at hornd@umich.edu. VIEWPOINT Iraq: I complet Qaida in Afg sary and has b out of leftist against and h in Iraq. Con knows that an Iraq will be to not stop until1 All it needs is love -and massive foreign aid Israel would be forced to decide how to I propose the U.S. take a revolutionary by Nick Occhipinti defend itself - if it could not handle the approach towards Iraq: Embrace them. Give attack and was facing annihilation, it would them massive humanitarian aid, build great ely support the bombing of al- almost certainly go nuclear. With almost 300 cities in the Kurdish North and rebuild hanistan. I feel that it is neces- nuclear weapons, Israel would be able to Baghdad (it will be cheaper than a war): Try been handled decently, so it isn't effectively end the Middle East as we know to coax them along as we are with China. t dogma that I am absolutely it, killing itself in the process. Honey always attracts more bees than vine- orrified at overt military action Just as likely and equally horrible, what gar. Take away some of the fuel that has isider this: Saddam Hussein if Hussein fires biological weapons on motivated terrorists to bring down the Twin ay future military action against invading U.S. troops and we see our sol- Towers. Come on Bushies, I know George ) take him out of power and will diers melting on CNN? Bush would certain- got gentleman Cs at Yale, but most of you his regime has been dismantled, ly respond with a massive nuclear attack or are fairly bright. 0 as was the Taliban. He also knows his con- ventional military does not stand a chance against the ridiculously superior U.S. armed forces. His forces stand at one-third the size of Gulf War levels while ours have advanced. Hussein closely watched Vice President Dick Cheney's trip around the Middle East and he knows that the Arab world will not stand behind a U.S. attack. So, in the event of a U.S. attack, he will launch missiles at Israel to try to drag them in e a ri nria he fCadf War .It didn't something similarly devastating, effectively ending Iraq, killing millions of innocent civilians and ending the United States as a beacon of freedom and justice forever. The chances of this whole escalation are not likely, but each step is not inconceivable. Why attack Iraq? What threat does Iraq pose to the United States? Almost zero. Iraq poses zero military threat to the U.S. The only pos- sible threat it poses is terrorism done so covertly that its chances of success are mini- mal. Hussein knows~ thait if theU.JS. discovers Occhipinti is an LSA senior. UPSET THAT YOUR PARENTS CONSIDER YOU A FAILURE AND REFUSE TO MENTION YOUR NAME AT COCKTAIL PARTIES? BECOME A SUMMER COLUMNIST Al