4B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine - Thursday, February 7, 2002
JAPIYA BURNS - THE FiTH DEGREE
THINGS LOVE SLUTS, HAGS, FAGS AND SEX.
The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine
ELITE ENTERTAINMENT ExPosII
'Y'E HENRETTY - LESS THAN ZERO
THE LEFTOVER RESERVOIR DOG
MR. BLUE HAS REASON TO BE
Valentine's Day is nearly upon
us, bringing many columns
beginning with "Valentine's
Day is nearly upon us." Instead of
whining about being single or sug-
gesting happy couples visit the
Oasis Hot Tub Gardens, wouldn't it
be better to get to the heart of the
matter? What's it all about, really?
That's what we're talking about this
week: sex, desire, kissing and vagi-
First off, raise your hand if you
haven't been watching the new
bonus season of HBO's "Sex and the
City." Now slap yourself on the ass.
Shame on you! Yes, Carrie's still
neurotic, selfish and dresses like
Bjdrk on crack, but we still love her.
P.S. Her new hair is the hotness.
And, yes, she's still dealing with
her relationships the way other peo-
ple might burn pancakes. Charred
beyond edibility, rarely perfect, var-
ied and ultimately disposable. From
bittersweet chocolate-chip sprinkled
Big to the sickeningly wholesome,
apple-cinnamon Aidan, she can't
make relationship decisions for her
life, but, like all classic martyrs, at
least she looks good suffering.
Of course, everyone attaches
themselves to one character over the
other. Even gay men can see them-
selves as a woman: perpetually
unmarried, single, independent and
funny. My friend Jonathan, in his
chaotic love-exploits, claims to be a
self-styled Carrie. Jason, a tall wispy
blonde, claims to be a freewheeling
Samantha. Of course, he's a slut, so
there's not much to argue with there.
Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and
Charlotte, like "The Golden Girls,"
are women that can be related to.
Surveys of general audiences and
gay men alike show that Blanche is
everyone's favorite from the wrinkly
quartet. As my friend Katie declared
after a sociological . survey,
"Everyone loves the slut."
But luckily, the characters are
more than just stand-ins for other
people's desire. They're not just gay,
men disguised as women; they're
women who gay men, single women,
my roommates and my mother might
During the era of "Golden Girls,"
some people (geriatrics, dykes, fags
alike) might have needed them as
representations of themselves. Was
it just gay men writing their lives out
with these women? Was the Depends
crowd happy to see their lives broad-
cast nationwide? Were lesbians
everywhere being represented by the
stoic, sexy Dorothy? Yes, yes and
hell fucking yeah.
Today we might hope that every-
one's getting some kind of represen-
tation without disguise. It's good
that for every "Sex and the City"
(that everyone can relate to), there's
a "Queer As Folk," or Margaret Cho
concert. Because it's great to see
your culture, your lives and your
desires portrayed without disguise:
straight, gay, black, white, Jewish or
That's why February's Queer
Visibility Weeks are so exciting. It's
two weeks of events celebrating not
only the lives of lesbian, gay, bisex-
ual and transgendered people, but of
people living their lives without dis-
guise. Among the celebrations are a
Kiss-In, a Club Fab dance and the
LGBT Magazine G-SPOT.
I also get excited in February
about "The Vagina Monologues,"
performed across the nation at many
colleges on February 14. Funny,
touching and sexy, it makes for a
great date. The last time I saw it was
with my boyfriend, the aforemen-
tioned Jonathan, the Ober-whore
Jason, and his friend, Leslie. It was
In one segment, a woman dreams
of having dinner with Burt Reynolds
when, upon being kissed, she floods
the restaurant with water from her
vagina, her date up to his waist and
sends famous dinner guests swim-
ming to safety.
Knowing the monologues are
based off of hundreds of interviews
with real women makes the stories
more poignant - and frightening. A
monologue about brutal rape makes
me turn my head into my boyfriend's
shoulder at the terrible imagery, and
he holds me as I cry. I look over to
check on Jason next to me. He has
one leg pulled up on the seat as if to
shield himself, and there are just
streams and streams of water coming
out of his eyes. I reach out and grab
his knee and then hold his hand
while he quietly sobs.
Jonathan couldn't make it without
crying either. But Leslie, the only
woman among the five of us, sat
stone-dry eyed through the show. I
thought for a moment that for a
woman to not be touched, she must
be as cold hearted as her cheeks
were dry. Was she an emotionless
Samantha without the open legs I
But then I realized that, as a
woman, she was probably all too
familiar with the contents of the
show and had felt rape, molestation
and brutality in her life: Next-door,
in her backyard and perhaps on her
friends' bodies. And that's why she
didn't cry: Because she'd probably
already had to.
Whatever you're doing this
Valentine's Day, be it crying, laugh-
ing or enjoying the Rainforests of
the Borneo Room at the spa, have
fun, and be safe. Everyone has
something to learn from free expres-
sion, kissing in public and living
your life without fear, without hate
and with a little more sex.
- Japiya Burns can be reached at
A good album on the top 10?
1. Drive, Alan Jackson -
Redneck and proud.
2. Weathered, Creed - Loving
themselves with all their hearts, all
their souls and all their minds.
3. Hybrid Theory, Linkin
Park - Why are you people buy-
ing this? Doesn't everyone who
sucks own this already? -
4. Word of Mouf, Ludacris -
Think about how much this sucks.
5. Silver Side Up, Nickelback -
With all that hockey hullabaloo and
that bitch Anne Murray too.
6. Pain is Love, Ja Rule - Do
you think he tapped Jennifer Lopez?
We do. We have proof. Rent the video
7. Stiilmatic, Nas - Still feud-
ing with Jay-Z. It's a lyrical feud, no
one is gonna get shot. That's what
they told Biggie too.
8. 8701, Usher- Stick to the
Tommy commercials, ass.
9. M!ssundaztood, Pink - I
wonder all her hair is pink?
10. O Brother, Where Art
Thou Movie Soundtrack,
Various -O brother, your sound-
track has returned and your movie
is long since gone, enough with
the folk shit. Knowledge.
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Jug credits. Or maybe just barely, t ight get "An lyle and said "So what happenied to Ugly~ Dan, that kid thtt
Henretty," but not in.. cool.w.y.. -. n...a.... cdi liveddow..h.e hall ..s ...C.ze s? .H ..w s ....
lieI'm a saperstar tain a matl rle. I' don't get the 7gtW, and didn't hear me, and I forgot to ask again.
"jArd Oeorg&%nays as Coindant Lassard" oredit. .Nowdon't get me wrong, I reaily do likec Mr. ',
Pim note like Eddie Bunker. " ~think he's a stand-up guy. It's just that he doesn'tmakce
Eddie $unker, best known for his role as "spotlight any sort of impact in the fictionat world of any of the
operattt" i& "Best at' the Best WL" also blazed a trail play- 'charaters. In aw flick where everyone dies at the end,
wing M&.&lue in 4tReseryoir Dogs?" Mi. Blue sits with the (and to those of 'you Who are going to e-miail mxe and:
~other felons at the revoving, Scorsese-inducing break- claim Mr. Pink lives, you're just not listening carefully),
fast scene, and even gets involved with the infhimous "I Blue is the only charaetet that you don't miss. Why is'
don't tip" conversation. When Mr. Pink says of'the wait- this?
,uss "She was nice, hot she was nothin' special?" "What's Easy. Mt. Blue is a regular gay with no star appeaL
special," Blue replies, "take you ixn the back and suck Everyone else in the film is a recognizable character
.your dick?" Mr. Blue has exactly two more lines during actor with loads of charisma. In real life, how many
this cOmNersation, one of Which is only four words tong character actors do you meet? Twenty? May be 21? And
and the same subject as the above quote. Cut to the infa- I'll bet you remember every last one of them. Now 'put
mo s Ube ool.sl.t.o... .walking shot that is probably six together in one room andyou've got more talent than
responsible for the' remainder of Quentin Tat'anthno's you can shake a stick at.
career. Mr. Blue .has his hands in his pocket. Hets never Even at the breakfast table, Mr. Blue is sticks out like
in the mov ie again an ugly long-haired thumb. The other guys play word
I lie -- he does return one more time. lie appears in Olympics while he strains with his one kegotten fellatio
the, flashback sequence where Joe hands out all of the joke. While Nice (Thy Eddie rumninates on "The Night
color nicknames, While Mr. Pink bickers about his mns The Lights Went Out In G3eorgia," and Charles Bronson
colinity and Mr. Brown bemoans the correlation between gets referenced (t wice!), Mr. blue is clearly out of the
his nickname and fecal matter, Mr. Blue just sits there, loop.
though he might get out a grunt.In fact, betsentirely for- Each guy was hand picked for the job" due to their
gotten from the film, until Nice Guy Eddie asks What expertise. While Mr. White and Mr. Pink are brute force
happened to him. No one is sure. and Brown is the getaway driver, Blue is busted down to
Mr. Blue just disappears from the movie. Why did crowd &ntrol Wets apparently really good at making
Tarantino put him in there in the first place? I under- people do wbat he wants 'them to do when he HAS A
stand Mr. Brown, who also disappears early, because OGUN. Mr. Blue is just a guy that can do or say nothing
Tarantino plays him, anid who Wouldn't like to be. shot, all that special, and that makes him more like me than
thorough tehead in their own flick? But Mt. Blue? someone who is actually interesting enough to make a
C'mon, he doesn't advance the plot, he clearIy doesn't movie about.
represent any subtexty ideals, and the viewer never finds -Lyle Henretny tan be regehed ot lhenreuumich.edL.
734-663-5959 or 888-663-5959
Hours 500 am -800 pm daily per person one-way
H 5 - Reserve by 8:00 pm the preceding day
"Where is the weirdest place that
you've puked in college?"
Q "I once puked in my friend's shoe
I thought it was a bucket or some-
- Paul Drake, LSA senior
Q "Last week, we were driving home
.. and I puked next to a fire hydrant.
Then this stranger gave me a glass of
- Niki Serras, LSA freshman ;
Q "My friend's ex-boyfriend's bed. I
went sake-bombing and passed:
passed out in his bed".
- Jayme Love, SNRE senior
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WHAT'S NEWS IN ENTERTAINMENT
TWO FILMS DISQUALIFIED FROM
WRITER'S GUILD AWARDS - The
Writer's Guild -of America decided
that "In the Bedroom," written by
Robert Festinger, and "Memento,"
written by Christopher Nolan, are not
eligible for the 2001 Awards. The
Internet Movie Database reports that
they were removed from considera-
tion because the studios that produced
the films did not sign agreements
with the Writer's Guild and the writ-
ers of the movies are not members of
the Guild. The decision by the WGA
is seen as a bad omen for the films'
chances of winning Best Screenplay
Oscars at the 2001 Academy Awards.
TIFFANY TO BE FEATURED IN
PLAYBOY - The former teeny-bop-
per pop star, who is now 30 years old
and has a husband and children, will
apear in the April issue of the men's
entertainment magazine. CNN
reports that Tiffany recently had
breast implants and hopes that
her appearance in Playboy will
help people to realize that she
is not a teenager anymore.
She said, "I have grown sig-
nificantly, both personally
and professionally, after
nearly a decade of raising a
family and exploring my
"FURIOUS" MAY RUN
WITHOUT DIESEL - Two
scripts are in the works for a
sequel to last years surprise
hit "The Fast and the
Furious", one including Vin
Diesel's character from the first
film, and one without him. cour
While Diesel is now asking for more
than 10 million dollars a picture.
Zap2it.com reports that Rob Cohen,
the film's director, claims that ask-
ing price is not an issue, but
that Diesel is just slow in
making these sorts of deci-
MARIAH CAREY PAID 28
MILLION DOLLARS NOT TO
MAKE A RECORD -
Entertainment Weekly has
reported that Virgin Records
has paid Mariah Carey 28
million dollars to buy out
her contract. The singer,
who has been suffering vari-
ous nervous conditions as
of late, had one of the most
lucrative recording con-
tesy of Tiffanycom tracts in music today.
THE O.J. AL STAR
OF THE WEEK
The Godfather of Soul is being
sued for sexual harassment by for-
mer employee Lisa Agbalaya. She
accused Brown of being "glassy-
eyed and smelling of marijuana
when he allgedly grabbed (her) by
the hips and pulled her toward him.
Brown says that nothing improper
occured. Agbalaya is suing Brown
for the unwanted advances as well as
firing her after she complained.