M S v w S S 7f 9 M I 4B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine - Thursday, February 7, 2002 JAPIYA BURNS - THE FiTH DEGREE THINGS LOVE SLUTS, HAGS, FAGS AND SEX. The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine F3 ELITE ENTERTAINMENT ExPosII 'Y'E HENRETTY - LESS THAN ZERO THE LEFTOVER RESERVOIR DOG MR. BLUE HAS REASON TO BE Valentine's Day is nearly upon us, bringing many columns beginning with "Valentine's Day is nearly upon us." Instead of whining about being single or sug- gesting happy couples visit the Oasis Hot Tub Gardens, wouldn't it be better to get to the heart of the matter? What's it all about, really? That's what we're talking about this week: sex, desire, kissing and vagi- nas. First off, raise your hand if you haven't been watching the new bonus season of HBO's "Sex and the City." Now slap yourself on the ass. Shame on you! Yes, Carrie's still neurotic, selfish and dresses like Bjdrk on crack, but we still love her. P.S. Her new hair is the hotness. And, yes, she's still dealing with her relationships the way other peo- ple might burn pancakes. Charred beyond edibility, rarely perfect, var- ied and ultimately disposable. From bittersweet chocolate-chip sprinkled Big to the sickeningly wholesome, apple-cinnamon Aidan, she can't make relationship decisions for her life, but, like all classic martyrs, at least she looks good suffering. Of course, everyone attaches themselves to one character over the other. Even gay men can see them- selves as a woman: perpetually unmarried, single, independent and funny. My friend Jonathan, in his chaotic love-exploits, claims to be a self-styled Carrie. Jason, a tall wispy blonde, claims to be a freewheeling Samantha. Of course, he's a slut, so there's not much to argue with there. Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte, like "The Golden Girls," are women that can be related to. Surveys of general audiences and gay men alike show that Blanche is everyone's favorite from the wrinkly quartet. As my friend Katie declared after a sociological . survey, "Everyone loves the slut." But luckily, the characters are more than just stand-ins for other people's desire. They're not just gay, men disguised as women; they're women who gay men, single women, my roommates and my mother might relate to. During the era of "Golden Girls," some people (geriatrics, dykes, fags alike) might have needed them as representations of themselves. Was it just gay men writing their lives out with these women? Was the Depends crowd happy to see their lives broad- cast nationwide? Were lesbians everywhere being represented by the stoic, sexy Dorothy? Yes, yes and hell fucking yeah. Today we might hope that every- one's getting some kind of represen- tation without disguise. It's good that for every "Sex and the City" (that everyone can relate to), there's a "Queer As Folk," or Margaret Cho concert. Because it's great to see your culture, your lives and your desires portrayed without disguise: straight, gay, black, white, Jewish or Asian. -' That's why February's Queer Visibility Weeks are so exciting. It's two weeks of events celebrating not only the lives of lesbian, gay, bisex- ual and transgendered people, but of people living their lives without dis- guise. Among the celebrations are a Kiss-In, a Club Fab dance and the LGBT Magazine G-SPOT. I also get excited in February about "The Vagina Monologues," performed across the nation at many colleges on February 14. Funny, touching and sexy, it makes for a great date. The last time I saw it was with my boyfriend, the aforemen- tioned Jonathan, the Ober-whore Jason, and his friend, Leslie. It was fucking hilarious. In one segment, a woman dreams of having dinner with Burt Reynolds when, upon being kissed, she floods the restaurant with water from her vagina, her date up to his waist and sends famous dinner guests swim- ming to safety. Knowing the monologues are based off of hundreds of interviews with real women makes the stories more poignant - and frightening. A monologue about brutal rape makes me turn my head into my boyfriend's shoulder at the terrible imagery, and he holds me as I cry. I look over to check on Jason next to me. He has one leg pulled up on the seat as if to shield himself, and there are just streams and streams of water coming out of his eyes. I reach out and grab his knee and then hold his hand while he quietly sobs. Jonathan couldn't make it without crying either. But Leslie, the only woman among the five of us, sat stone-dry eyed through the show. I thought for a moment that for a woman to not be touched, she must be as cold hearted as her cheeks were dry. Was she an emotionless Samantha without the open legs I wondered? But then I realized that, as a woman, she was probably all too familiar with the contents of the show and had felt rape, molestation and brutality in her life: Next-door, in her backyard and perhaps on her friends' bodies. And that's why she didn't cry: Because she'd probably already had to. Whatever you're doing this Valentine's Day, be it crying, laugh- ing or enjoying the Rainforests of the Borneo Room at the spa, have fun, and be safe. Everyone has something to learn from free expres- sion, kissing in public and living your life without fear, without hate and with a little more sex. - Japiya Burns can be reached at japiyab~umich. edu.. A good album on the top 10? BILLBOARD 1 1 TOP 0 1. Drive, Alan Jackson - Redneck and proud. 2. Weathered, Creed - Loving themselves with all their hearts, all their souls and all their minds. 3. Hybrid Theory, Linkin Park - Why are you people buy- ing this? Doesn't everyone who sucks own this already? - 4. Word of Mouf, Ludacris - Think space. Think about how much this sucks. 5. Silver Side Up, Nickelback - With all that hockey hullabaloo and that bitch Anne Murray too. 6. Pain is Love, Ja Rule - Do you think he tapped Jennifer Lopez? We do. We have proof. Rent the video at alicia.keys.sucks.ass@umich.edu 7. Stiilmatic, Nas - Still feud- ing with Jay-Z. It's a lyrical feud, no one is gonna get shot. That's what they told Biggie too. 8. 8701, Usher- Stick to the Tommy commercials, ass. 9. M!ssundaztood, Pink - I wonder all her hair is pink? Everywhere? 10. O Brother, Where Art Thou Movie Soundtrack, Various -O brother, your sound- track has returned and your movie is long since gone, enough with the folk shit. Knowledge. N~. ....... . N;Y.N. . . . N N N. N I..N NK? ''e y&ftenweated to the gay n Inovies- that guy tht ,eut. what hapens~ to him! As cIose ssI canfigre,i alaswisBs Supprting Actor at the Oscars. He Taianitiho views the film.asaWucOcosm4 WIItIte uaUlyget oeor twe reatty pwrfu scenes, be tvctd haractethe psydhtic :charceicadwa Theyfuny r sad 6r fuI1 of aggression,' btt he tisually' he reafly needed to &nnp1ete tis ttopianitisicn is'a batt diapasbfr h final ee4 and never ever gets the middie-aged reasefl haatr ith an afiity for> .ir.. think of #y life in tms bflW I tffe. othes; I "iky Star....... .ant jtst a &htracter 4h4Atdds a lidt edoor to their byves, 'Soti the >plght ofMt. Blue and of you and me. IHe has~ y m hpae tof ayn myw. placeinthe....,he...s...........me.li. Git 'msc ab tofl nstandis4in forcaateiain Every.onemi a whlle.I .N . . . .....g........ v ..na.r .......... .flf ..... ' ......N .r gA W th.faik ..am? say somezwting f ya p ugh, thoughvey few I'm impottant enough inthe 1ife of others to make' people say "Yeahj] thaiye, he' a funny guy" Ii'fa4ct, fohmtyba even thtrd bihling7 Even in "The twbetin tont around pecple ProbabiW don't talk about M$chi.a Daify Movie," t mighruot mke it in the begin-. me at 'all A iew weeks ago, I 'Iboked at my roommate Jug credits. Or maybe just barely, t ight get "An lyle and said "So what happenied to Ugly~ Dan, that kid thtt Henretty," but not in.. cool.w.y.. -. n...a.... cdi liveddow..h.e hall ..s ...C.ze s? .H ..w s .... lieI'm a saperstar tain a matl rle. I' don't get the 7gtW, and didn't hear me, and I forgot to ask again. "jArd Oeorg&%nays as Coindant Lassard" oredit. .Nowdon't get me wrong, I reaily do likec Mr. ', Pim note like Eddie Bunker. " ~think he's a stand-up guy. It's just that he doesn'tmakce Eddie $unker, best known for his role as "spotlight any sort of impact in the fictionat world of any of the operattt" i& "Best at' the Best WL" also blazed a trail play- 'charaters. In aw flick where everyone dies at the end, wing M&.&lue in 4tReseryoir Dogs?" Mi. Blue sits with the (and to those of 'you Who are going to e-miail mxe and: ~other felons at the revoving, Scorsese-inducing break- claim Mr. Pink lives, you're just not listening carefully), fast scene, and even gets involved with the infhimous "I Blue is the only charaetet that you don't miss. Why is' don't tip" conversation. When Mr. Pink says of'the wait- this? ,uss "She was nice, hot she was nothin' special?" "What's Easy. Mt. Blue is a regular gay with no star appeaL special," Blue replies, "take you ixn the back and suck Everyone else in the film is a recognizable character .your dick?" Mr. Blue has exactly two more lines during actor with loads of charisma. In real life, how many this cOmNersation, one of Which is only four words tong character actors do you meet? Twenty? May be 21? And and the same subject as the above quote. Cut to the infa- I'll bet you remember every last one of them. Now 'put mo s Ube ool.sl.t.o... .walking shot that is probably six together in one room andyou've got more talent than responsible for the' remainder of Quentin Tat'anthno's you can shake a stick at. career. Mr. Blue .has his hands in his pocket. Hets never Even at the breakfast table, Mr. Blue is sticks out like in the mov ie again an ugly long-haired thumb. The other guys play word I lie -- he does return one more time. lie appears in Olympics while he strains with his one kegotten fellatio the, flashback sequence where Joe hands out all of the joke. While Nice (Thy Eddie rumninates on "The Night color nicknames, While Mr. Pink bickers about his mns The Lights Went Out In G3eorgia," and Charles Bronson colinity and Mr. Brown bemoans the correlation between gets referenced (t wice!), Mr. blue is clearly out of the his nickname and fecal matter, Mr. Blue just sits there, loop. though he might get out a grunt.In fact, betsentirely for- Each guy was hand picked for the job" due to their gotten from the film, until Nice Guy Eddie asks What expertise. While Mr. White and Mr. Pink are brute force happened to him. No one is sure. and Brown is the getaway driver, Blue is busted down to Mr. Blue just disappears from the movie. Why did crowd &ntrol Wets apparently really good at making Tarantino put him in there in the first place? I under- people do wbat he wants 'them to do when he HAS A stand Mr. Brown, who also disappears early, because OGUN. Mr. Blue is just a guy that can do or say nothing Tarantino plays him, anid who Wouldn't like to be. shot, all that special, and that makes him more like me than thorough tehead in their own flick? But Mt. Blue? someone who is actually interesting enough to make a C'mon, he doesn't advance the plot, he clearIy doesn't movie about. represent any subtexty ideals, and the viewer never finds -Lyle Henretny tan be regehed ot lhenreuumich.edL. 1 734-663-5959 or 888-663-5959 www.selectride.com Hours 500 am -800 pm daily per person one-way H 5 - Reserve by 8:00 pm the preceding day "Where is the weirdest place that you've puked in college?" Q "I once puked in my friend's shoe I thought it was a bucket or some- thing." - Paul Drake, LSA senior Q "Last week, we were driving home .. and I puked next to a fire hydrant. Then this stranger gave me a glass of water" - Niki Serras, LSA freshman ; Q "My friend's ex-boyfriend's bed. I went sake-bombing and passed: passed out in his bed". - Jayme Love, SNRE senior .............. .......... I ................................................ ............. .. . . . . . . . . . . . . .. WHAT'S NEWS IN ENTERTAINMENT TWO FILMS DISQUALIFIED FROM WRITER'S GUILD AWARDS - The Writer's Guild -of America decided that "In the Bedroom," written by Robert Festinger, and "Memento," written by Christopher Nolan, are not eligible for the 2001 Awards. The Internet Movie Database reports that they were removed from considera- tion because the studios that produced the films did not sign agreements with the Writer's Guild and the writ- ers of the movies are not members of the Guild. The decision by the WGA is seen as a bad omen for the films' chances of winning Best Screenplay Oscars at the 2001 Academy Awards. TIFFANY TO BE FEATURED IN PLAYBOY - The former teeny-bop- per pop star, who is now 30 years old and has a husband and children, will apear in the April issue of the men's entertainment magazine. CNN reports that Tiffany recently had breast implants and hopes that her appearance in Playboy will help people to realize that she is not a teenager anymore. She said, "I have grown sig- nificantly, both personally and professionally, after nearly a decade of raising a family and exploring my craft." "FURIOUS" MAY RUN WITHOUT DIESEL - Two scripts are in the works for a sequel to last years surprise hit "The Fast and the Furious", one including Vin Diesel's character from the first film, and one without him. cour While Diesel is now asking for more than 10 million dollars a picture. Zap2it.com reports that Rob Cohen, the film's director, claims that ask- ing price is not an issue, but that Diesel is just slow in making these sorts of deci- sions. MARIAH CAREY PAID 28 MILLION DOLLARS NOT TO MAKE A RECORD - Entertainment Weekly has reported that Virgin Records has paid Mariah Carey 28 million dollars to buy out her contract. The singer, who has been suffering vari- ous nervous conditions as of late, had one of the most lucrative recording con- tesy of Tiffanycom tracts in music today. THE O.J. AL STAR OF THE WEEK JAMES BROWN The Godfather of Soul is being sued for sexual harassment by for- mer employee Lisa Agbalaya. She accused Brown of being "glassy- eyed and smelling of marijuana when he allgedly grabbed (her) by the hips and pulled her toward him. Brown says that nothing improper occured. Agbalaya is suing Brown for the unwanted advances as well as firing her after she complained.