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December 06, 2001 - Image 14

Resource type:
Text
Publication:
The Michigan Daily, 2001-12-06

Disclaimer: Computer generated plain text may have errors. Read more about this.


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The Michigan Daily -- Weekend, etc. Magazine -- T

6B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazine - Thursday, December 6, 2001
THINGS THAT SUCK WAY MORE THAN CHRISTMAS

The theme of this installment of
Weekend Etc. is "Christmas Sucks."
I found this out a few days ago when
one of the Weekend editors called
me at home. The conversation went
something like this:
Me: Mrrguh?
Editor: Hello? Is Ben there?
M: Ergh. Sleeping
E: Dude, it's almost three in the
afternoon. Get in the game.
M: Rough, rough night last night.
Still drunk. I'll write about it in my
next column.
E: Oh no you won't, douchebag.
You know why? Because we own
your bitch ass and you write about
what we say, capisce? And for
Thursday you're writing about how
Christmas sucks. Everybody knows
that Christmas sucks. Shopping
malls suck. Going broke buying gifts
sucks. Santa Claus is a twisted,
exploitive capitalist felcher, and he
sucks. And come on, a holiday that

celebrates the birth of a goddamn
religious figure? Are you kidding
me?
M: Ugh.
Jane, Christmas
is a great holi-
day. There's
nothing about it
that sucks.
E: It sucks,
trust me. So,
use your silly
little talents of
observational
Ben humor and
Goldstein write about
malls and
1iCk! Christmas trees
and Santa and
Jesus and how they all suck. God,
Ben, are you OK? You sound like
you're throwing up.
M: Bluuuuuuuuurgh!
Anyway, Christmas, despite what
the rest of this newspaper pullout

section would have you believe, is
easily in the top five of American
holidays. It doesn't suck. Not at all.
You know what really sucks? George
Harrison died of throat cancer last
week, that's what sucks. The "Quiet
Beatle" is dead, for Christ's sake.
Now that my blood is pumping, I'll
tell you what else sucks:
Apparently, kids aren't allowed
to play dodgeball in school anymore.
As the argument goes, schools are
frequently becoming scenes of vio-
lence, and anything the administra-
tion can do to avoid creating more
tension between students would be
beneficial.
This, to me, is a tragedy. How else
are children supposed to learn about
societal pecking orders and elitism?
In dodgeball, the strong, popular,
well-bred children gang up on the
near-sighted, obese, carbuncular
ones, pelting them as hard as their
young arms will allow, often aiming
for the face or groin. This is the way
the world works. Dodgeball gives
children a much-needed lesson in
reality; it is a microcosm of the
social structures that will always be
in place in this country, like it or not.
Or rather, love it or leave it, you
bleeding-heart liberal pinko sons of
bitches.
It sucks that every town has to

harbor at least one "Cat Lady." You
know which lady I mean. For various
reasons, she felt a loneliness so deep
and for so long that she became des-
perate for any kind of affection, to
have something that needed her. So,
she got a cat. Then, she got another
one. Then, she got 18 more. She
rarely leaves her apartment or small
house except to go to the grocery
store (which she calls "the market"),
and she only goes out to buy more
cat food.
She wears holiday-related theme
sweaters, tapered ,and whitewashed
Jordache jeans, black Reebok high
tops with the twin Velcro straps.
When she does go out in public, peo-
ple avoid her. Children are afraid of
her. They think she's a witch. And
because her holiday-related theme
sweaters (which she wears, sadly,
year round) are usually covered with
tons of cat hair, there are many peo-
ple who are, in effect, allergic to her.
But to be honest, the Cat Lady
doesn't really fit the description of
"sucking." She's just a very sad char-
acter. Actually, you know what, I
don't like the idea of an entire col-
umn about things that suck. The rest
of this column will be devoted to
what are, in my opinion, the saddest
things in the world. And I'm going to
stop bulleting my points, because

I U

rgo
$10 Rush Tickets on sal
the day of the performa
before a weekend even
Office.
50% Rush Tickets on sa
90 minutes before thee
Performance Hall Box C

e 10 am - 6 pm
ance or the Friday
t at the UMS Ticket
le beginning
event at the
Office.

Les Arts Florissants
Christmas Music of Marc-Antoine Charpentier
Celebrate the holidays at this spectacular performance
of two Christmas masterpieces by 17th-century composer
Marc-Antoine Charpentier.
UMS TICKETOFFICE LOCATED IN THE MIlLEAGUE,
,urns 76.23 j HOURS M-F 1DAM-6PM, SAT 1OAM-LPM
A valid student ID is required. Limit two tickets per student, per event. Rush Tickets are not
socts offered if an event is sold out. Seating is subject to availability and box office discretion.

"Don' tlet your
get ahead of
_ f
ARBERS
ESTABLISHED 1939
615 E LIBERTY OFF STATE
668-9329
M-F 8:30-5:20
SAT UNTIL 4:20

Food for Thought
Iraq Embargo
Iraq spends most of its
income on "dual-use"
equipment, which can
be passed off as medical
for example, but can also
be used for weapons of
mass destruction.
Gary Lillie & Assoc., Realtors
www.garylillie.com

bulleting sucks even harder than
Christmas. I think I'll return to the
dependable numbering system. Hey
guys, do you know what's really,
really sad?
1) Men who hang out at the DMV
simply because of the large amount
of 16-year-old girls with new licens-
es.
2) The fact that Michael Jackson
doesn't even look like his sister
LaToya anymore, but rather some
kind of fiendish space alien with a
horrible nose job.
3) And that the other sad MJ, 38-
year-old Michael Jordan, thought he
could return from retirement, be a
superstar again, and lead the
Washington Wizards to contender
status. The Wizards!!! He's old and
washed up. And sad.
4) It's sad when you wake up next
to someone you don't remember
meeting, whose name you don't
remember ever knowing, and you
realize that this hideous mongrel of a
human form, snoring and smelling of
the monkey house, is just another in
the long line of sexual encounters
you've had in an attempt to feel
something, anything, other thn the
constant, overpowering sense of self-
loathing.
5) That the release date of Arnold
Schwarzenegger's political action
thriller "Collateral Damage" is post-
poned until Feb. 8, when it will be
completely untimely. Thanks for that
sad shit. Mr. Heartless Movie
Executive.
6) That the cowards- who shot
Christopher "Biggie Smalls,
Notorious B.I.G., Big Poppa"
Wallace haven't come forward yet.
God sees all, you sad, sad men.
7) That Ringo, like the cockroach,
will outlive us all.
- Ben Goldstein can be reached at
bjgoldst@umich. edi. But you 'd bet
ter give him a week to cool down
RNES
DM:E AR
.
TOGEXHEIW
DaRSTY
IacUSON

RELIGIONS
Continued from Page 3B
pace with the toy industry."
Johnson no longer practices
Judaism, but he is still sentimental
about the holiday. "I love
Christmastime because I'm home. It
becomes a time of the year you can
count on your friends going home."
However, Johnson's observation of
the holiday has changed somewhat.
"Christmas, for me, now has
become a voyeuristic holiday. For
me, it's watching the way American
culture functions ... It's amazing to
watch Christmas unfold within a
capitalist culture. Our economy
depends heavily on the success of
the holiday season."
Being a first generation Hindu,
LSA senior Janki Patel reminisces
about her family's first Christmas
observances. "First we had this
houseplant as a tree, and we'd put
presents under it. After a while, my
parents bought a tree and decora-
tions. It was just the tradition of
having presents and a tree that was
important."
However, the Patel family didn't
initially celebrate Christmas. "Once
I went to school and I started seeing
how a majority of people celebrated
Christmas ... my mom felt like she
should introduce it to me so I
wouldn't feel left out."
As she grew older, Patel's family
stopped observing the holiday and,
in retrospect, her feelings for
Christmas are ambivalent. "But
(observing Christmas) was at the
expense of us celebrating some of
our own holidays. It's hard to cele-
brate the holidays of your religion
when you don't have the days off
during that period."
Sapna Nagar, also a Hindu LSA
senior, feels strongly about the holi-
days. "I don't like the holidays
because it's all this Christianity
stuff thrown in my face ... It really
isn't my holiday - I don't have any
connection with it. It is all warm
and fuzzy, but no one gets all warm
and fuzzy when it's our New Year ...
That OctoberNovenbr time is
very big for Hindus and no one rec-
ognizes that."
Nagar recalls the exclusion she
felt as an adolescent. "I remember
in the seventh grade, after
Christmas vacation, walking down
the hallway. I saw all these kids
wearing their new clothes and I saw
what everybody got for Christmas
and I just remember being really
upset. Like, 'God, I hate this.. Why
don't I get new clothes and pres-
ents?' " She says nowshe has out-
grown the jealousy and understands
her parents' view. "(Our parents)
didn't want us to think that this was
our identity, that this is what we do"
Regardless of how much or little a
non-Christian student observes
Christmas, many share similar sen-
timents about the holiday. Whether
they celebrate it or not, there is
always the issue of exclusion and
religious identity.
On her future family, Janki Patel
says "I plan on emphasizing my.
religion, but also explaining to (my
children) that we can do these
Christmas things but it's not really
who we are."

KANA
Continued from Page 2B
salmon's natural buttery texture can
be brought out more successfully if
the fish is marinated and then baked
rather than grilled.
The- final dish was a lightly seared
tuna. This sashimi grade piece of
tuna came with chopped lettuce and
was topped with a miso-ginger
sauce. It is very healthful and was
prepared nicely.
The dessert menu was rather limit-
ed as it consisted of just two dishes,
but both are appealing to the taste
buds. After a grueling decision-mak-
ing process, the dessert chosen was a
banana sauteed in coconut, then fried
in a pastry batter into an egg roll-like
form, cut in half, placed next to a
scoop of ice cream and then sur-
rounded by chocolate syrup. Yes, it
was as amazing as it sounds.
After eating at Kana, there is no way
CANTER BU RY
HOUSE
PERFORMANCE
SERIES
Ery Saturday eningpoin the
Canterbury House for an eclecic mixof
Ann Arbor's best sound art, fre jazz,
contempdraryclassical and new music.
Dec. 1
DANN FRIEDPMAN
ANDJ GEOFFREY ESTY
Jazz and beyond
Dec. 5
THE SILVER MEASURE
AND PIOTOR MICHALOWSKI
Mixed media and Improvisation
Dec. 14
BRYAN PARDO
Graduate recital
Dec. 15
COLIN MEEK
Contemporary cello duets
Dec22 & 29
NO CONCERT
Shows start pm. Admission is $5,
$3 for students, with proceeds benefitting
the Ann Arbor Hunger Coalition.
JAZZ MASS
Sunday evenings at 5p.m, alternative worship
featuring tore music of Sun FRa, Mingus, Cotrane
and others, with live music by Stephen Rush
and Qua rtex
Progressive Gh ristia nity:
Open, Curious, LG5T Friendly
SU R V
0 C
721 E. Huron
One block east of State Street
(734) 665-0606
Free Parking (limited space)
www.umich.edu/~canter/

This Weekend in
Michigan Athletics

(

informat
Athletics,

to refer to it other than "the best kept
secret" in the Ann Arbor area. All of the
dishes were delicious and beautifully
presented, the atmosphere was intimate
with a subtle Asian feel and the service
was above average.
Pacific Rim cuisine is more preva-
lent in Hawaii and the southwest, but
with the increasing popularization of
Asian food in America, it is spread-
ing very rapidly throughout the coun-
try.
Kana's inventive Pacific Rim dish-
es and presentation make the restau-
rant one-of-a-kind in Ann Arbor with
its long-awaited evolution of Asian
cuisine. With that said, it is now offi-
cial that the secret is out.

-

To order tickets,
contact the
Michigan Ticket
Department at
(734) 764-0247.

Presen

6r Gamma Sign
I National Greek Academi
. Alpha Omicron Chapter - Uni
-9 Congratulations to all new and current me
promoting scholarship in the Michiga

ImmjL ... _____________

RE-INAISSANCE.
WDRLDGATE HOTEL
GOING TO THE CITRUS BOWL?
ONE MILE FROM DISNEY AND JUST 15 MINUTES FROM THE STADIUM
$69 ROOM RATE
WHERE ELSE CAN YOU GET A RENAISSANCE HOTEL AT SUCH A PRICE!
CALL 800-HOTELS-I AND ASK FOR THE VISIT ORLANDO NOW RATE.
Rates based upon availability and do not include applicable taxes. Rates available for up to four adults per room.

I

New Members
Gabrielle Baumann - KKF
Jennifer Birch - AXQ
Michael Bramlage - WY
Erika Jane Briegel - flB(1
Michael Burns - DDE
Tijana Dvornic- AXQ
Holly Graves - AAA
Current Members
Natalie Allen - flB<D
Ann Bell - r(DB
Laurence Benenson - TKE
Alaina Bryen - AAH
Regan Clancy - HB(tD
Executive Board
Nicholas Chang, President
Mary Beth Seiler, Chapter Advisor

Jennifer Hetzel-Gaynor - HB<D
Eric Hochberger - OE
Steven Jonas - AXA
Karen Kandel - X
Margaret Lassar - AcdE
Julia Laughlin - A
Rachel Margolis - A(DE
Donelle Mayberry - A<D
Caitlin Friedemann - AAI
Sarah Grekin - AAA
Brian Larivee - HKA
Rebekah Parker - KAO
Dana Perlman - IAT

Elizabeth Johansson, VP of Major
Hanni Lee, VP of Recruitment
Rebecca Pawlik, VP of Internal Af
Benjamin Weiss, VP of Finance

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --. . .a .. . . . - C v. , - "iT' Fi f S i ;. o :i r1 . . . , . i.'! f

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