AM U U -W -A -W AV T The Michigan Daily -- Weekend, etc. Magazine -- T 6B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazine - Thursday, December 6, 2001 THINGS THAT SUCK WAY MORE THAN CHRISTMAS The theme of this installment of Weekend Etc. is "Christmas Sucks." I found this out a few days ago when one of the Weekend editors called me at home. The conversation went something like this: Me: Mrrguh? Editor: Hello? Is Ben there? M: Ergh. Sleeping E: Dude, it's almost three in the afternoon. Get in the game. M: Rough, rough night last night. Still drunk. I'll write about it in my next column. E: Oh no you won't, douchebag. You know why? Because we own your bitch ass and you write about what we say, capisce? And for Thursday you're writing about how Christmas sucks. Everybody knows that Christmas sucks. Shopping malls suck. Going broke buying gifts sucks. Santa Claus is a twisted, exploitive capitalist felcher, and he sucks. And come on, a holiday that celebrates the birth of a goddamn religious figure? Are you kidding me? M: Ugh. Jane, Christmas is a great holi- day. There's nothing about it that sucks. E: It sucks, trust me. So, use your silly little talents of observational Ben humor and Goldstein write about malls and 1iCk! Christmas trees and Santa and Jesus and how they all suck. God, Ben, are you OK? You sound like you're throwing up. M: Bluuuuuuuuurgh! Anyway, Christmas, despite what the rest of this newspaper pullout section would have you believe, is easily in the top five of American holidays. It doesn't suck. Not at all. You know what really sucks? George Harrison died of throat cancer last week, that's what sucks. The "Quiet Beatle" is dead, for Christ's sake. Now that my blood is pumping, I'll tell you what else sucks: Apparently, kids aren't allowed to play dodgeball in school anymore. As the argument goes, schools are frequently becoming scenes of vio- lence, and anything the administra- tion can do to avoid creating more tension between students would be beneficial. This, to me, is a tragedy. How else are children supposed to learn about societal pecking orders and elitism? In dodgeball, the strong, popular, well-bred children gang up on the near-sighted, obese, carbuncular ones, pelting them as hard as their young arms will allow, often aiming for the face or groin. This is the way the world works. Dodgeball gives children a much-needed lesson in reality; it is a microcosm of the social structures that will always be in place in this country, like it or not. Or rather, love it or leave it, you bleeding-heart liberal pinko sons of bitches. It sucks that every town has to harbor at least one "Cat Lady." You know which lady I mean. For various reasons, she felt a loneliness so deep and for so long that she became des- perate for any kind of affection, to have something that needed her. So, she got a cat. Then, she got another one. Then, she got 18 more. She rarely leaves her apartment or small house except to go to the grocery store (which she calls "the market"), and she only goes out to buy more cat food. She wears holiday-related theme sweaters, tapered ,and whitewashed Jordache jeans, black Reebok high tops with the twin Velcro straps. When she does go out in public, peo- ple avoid her. Children are afraid of her. They think she's a witch. And because her holiday-related theme sweaters (which she wears, sadly, year round) are usually covered with tons of cat hair, there are many peo- ple who are, in effect, allergic to her. But to be honest, the Cat Lady doesn't really fit the description of "sucking." She's just a very sad char- acter. Actually, you know what, I don't like the idea of an entire col- umn about things that suck. The rest of this column will be devoted to what are, in my opinion, the saddest things in the world. And I'm going to stop bulleting my points, because I U rgo $10 Rush Tickets on sal the day of the performa before a weekend even Office. 50% Rush Tickets on sa 90 minutes before thee Performance Hall Box C e 10 am - 6 pm ance or the Friday t at the UMS Ticket le beginning event at the Office. Les Arts Florissants Christmas Music of Marc-Antoine Charpentier Celebrate the holidays at this spectacular performance of two Christmas masterpieces by 17th-century composer Marc-Antoine Charpentier. UMS TICKETOFFICE LOCATED IN THE MIlLEAGUE, ,urns 76.23 j HOURS M-F 1DAM-6PM, SAT 1OAM-LPM A valid student ID is required. Limit two tickets per student, per event. Rush Tickets are not socts offered if an event is sold out. Seating is subject to availability and box office discretion. "Don' tlet your get ahead of _ f ARBERS ESTABLISHED 1939 615 E LIBERTY OFF STATE 668-9329 M-F 8:30-5:20 SAT UNTIL 4:20 Food for Thought Iraq Embargo Iraq spends most of its income on "dual-use" equipment, which can be passed off as medical for example, but can also be used for weapons of mass destruction. Gary Lillie & Assoc., Realtors www.garylillie.com bulleting sucks even harder than Christmas. I think I'll return to the dependable numbering system. Hey guys, do you know what's really, really sad? 1) Men who hang out at the DMV simply because of the large amount of 16-year-old girls with new licens- es. 2) The fact that Michael Jackson doesn't even look like his sister LaToya anymore, but rather some kind of fiendish space alien with a horrible nose job. 3) And that the other sad MJ, 38- year-old Michael Jordan, thought he could return from retirement, be a superstar again, and lead the Washington Wizards to contender status. The Wizards!!! He's old and washed up. And sad. 4) It's sad when you wake up next to someone you don't remember meeting, whose name you don't remember ever knowing, and you realize that this hideous mongrel of a human form, snoring and smelling of the monkey house, is just another in the long line of sexual encounters you've had in an attempt to feel something, anything, other thn the constant, overpowering sense of self- loathing. 5) That the release date of Arnold Schwarzenegger's political action thriller "Collateral Damage" is post- poned until Feb. 8, when it will be completely untimely. Thanks for that sad shit. Mr. Heartless Movie Executive. 6) That the cowards- who shot Christopher "Biggie Smalls, Notorious B.I.G., Big Poppa" Wallace haven't come forward yet. God sees all, you sad, sad men. 7) That Ringo, like the cockroach, will outlive us all. - Ben Goldstein can be reached at bjgoldst@umich. edi. But you 'd bet ter give him a week to cool down RNES DM:E AR . TOGEXHEIW DaRSTY IacUSON RELIGIONS Continued from Page 3B pace with the toy industry." Johnson no longer practices Judaism, but he is still sentimental about the holiday. "I love Christmastime because I'm home. It becomes a time of the year you can count on your friends going home." However, Johnson's observation of the holiday has changed somewhat. "Christmas, for me, now has become a voyeuristic holiday. For me, it's watching the way American culture functions ... It's amazing to watch Christmas unfold within a capitalist culture. Our economy depends heavily on the success of the holiday season." Being a first generation Hindu, LSA senior Janki Patel reminisces about her family's first Christmas observances. "First we had this houseplant as a tree, and we'd put presents under it. After a while, my parents bought a tree and decora- tions. It was just the tradition of having presents and a tree that was important." However, the Patel family didn't initially celebrate Christmas. "Once I went to school and I started seeing how a majority of people celebrated Christmas ... my mom felt like she should introduce it to me so I wouldn't feel left out." As she grew older, Patel's family stopped observing the holiday and, in retrospect, her feelings for Christmas are ambivalent. "But (observing Christmas) was at the expense of us celebrating some of our own holidays. It's hard to cele- brate the holidays of your religion when you don't have the days off during that period." Sapna Nagar, also a Hindu LSA senior, feels strongly about the holi- days. "I don't like the holidays because it's all this Christianity stuff thrown in my face ... It really isn't my holiday - I don't have any connection with it. It is all warm and fuzzy, but no one gets all warm and fuzzy when it's our New Year ... That OctoberNovenbr time is very big for Hindus and no one rec- ognizes that." Nagar recalls the exclusion she felt as an adolescent. "I remember in the seventh grade, after Christmas vacation, walking down the hallway. I saw all these kids wearing their new clothes and I saw what everybody got for Christmas and I just remember being really upset. Like, 'God, I hate this.. Why don't I get new clothes and pres- ents?' " She says nowshe has out- grown the jealousy and understands her parents' view. "(Our parents) didn't want us to think that this was our identity, that this is what we do" Regardless of how much or little a non-Christian student observes Christmas, many share similar sen- timents about the holiday. Whether they celebrate it or not, there is always the issue of exclusion and religious identity. On her future family, Janki Patel says "I plan on emphasizing my. religion, but also explaining to (my children) that we can do these Christmas things but it's not really who we are." KANA Continued from Page 2B salmon's natural buttery texture can be brought out more successfully if the fish is marinated and then baked rather than grilled. The- final dish was a lightly seared tuna. This sashimi grade piece of tuna came with chopped lettuce and was topped with a miso-ginger sauce. It is very healthful and was prepared nicely. The dessert menu was rather limit- ed as it consisted of just two dishes, but both are appealing to the taste buds. After a grueling decision-mak- ing process, the dessert chosen was a banana sauteed in coconut, then fried in a pastry batter into an egg roll-like form, cut in half, placed next to a scoop of ice cream and then sur- rounded by chocolate syrup. Yes, it was as amazing as it sounds. After eating at Kana, there is no way CANTER BU RY HOUSE PERFORMANCE SERIES Ery Saturday eningpoin the Canterbury House for an eclecic mixof Ann Arbor's best sound art, fre jazz, contempdraryclassical and new music. Dec. 1 DANN FRIEDPMAN ANDJ GEOFFREY ESTY Jazz and beyond Dec. 5 THE SILVER MEASURE AND PIOTOR MICHALOWSKI Mixed media and Improvisation Dec. 14 BRYAN PARDO Graduate recital Dec. 15 COLIN MEEK Contemporary cello duets Dec22 & 29 NO CONCERT Shows start pm. Admission is $5, $3 for students, with proceeds benefitting the Ann Arbor Hunger Coalition. JAZZ MASS Sunday evenings at 5p.m, alternative worship featuring tore music of Sun FRa, Mingus, Cotrane and others, with live music by Stephen Rush and Qua rtex Progressive Gh ristia nity: Open, Curious, LG5T Friendly SU R V 0 C 721 E. Huron One block east of State Street (734) 665-0606 Free Parking (limited space) www.umich.edu/~canter/ This Weekend in Michigan Athletics ( informat Athletics, to refer to it other than "the best kept secret" in the Ann Arbor area. All of the dishes were delicious and beautifully presented, the atmosphere was intimate with a subtle Asian feel and the service was above average. Pacific Rim cuisine is more preva- lent in Hawaii and the southwest, but with the increasing popularization of Asian food in America, it is spread- ing very rapidly throughout the coun- try. Kana's inventive Pacific Rim dish- es and presentation make the restau- rant one-of-a-kind in Ann Arbor with its long-awaited evolution of Asian cuisine. With that said, it is now offi- cial that the secret is out. - To order tickets, contact the Michigan Ticket Department at (734) 764-0247. Presen 6r Gamma Sign I National Greek Academi . Alpha Omicron Chapter - Uni -9 Congratulations to all new and current me promoting scholarship in the Michiga ImmjL ... _____________ RE-INAISSANCE. WDRLDGATE HOTEL GOING TO THE CITRUS BOWL? ONE MILE FROM DISNEY AND JUST 15 MINUTES FROM THE STADIUM $69 ROOM RATE WHERE ELSE CAN YOU GET A RENAISSANCE HOTEL AT SUCH A PRICE! CALL 800-HOTELS-I AND ASK FOR THE VISIT ORLANDO NOW RATE. Rates based upon availability and do not include applicable taxes. Rates available for up to four adults per room. I New Members Gabrielle Baumann - KKF Jennifer Birch - AXQ Michael Bramlage - WY Erika Jane Briegel - flB(1 Michael Burns - DDE Tijana Dvornic- AXQ Holly Graves - AAA Current Members Natalie Allen - flB