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4B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazine - Thursday, December 6, 2001
Holiday films: The good, the bad and the god-awful
The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Maga2
EEE: HOLIDAY EDITION
Less Than Zero gives out therstocking
By Jenny Jeltes
Daily Arts Writer
THE BEST HOLDIAY MOVIES
No. 1: It's a Wonderful Life What
would the world be like without good
o Jinrmy Stewart playing George
Bailey, the man of the town? This inspi-
rational story is just so happy you can't
help but feel all warm and fuzzy after-
wards. And more than that, the dark
edge to this film really gets you think-
No. 2: How the Grinch Stole
Christmas You're a mean one, Mr.
Grinch ... But you're famous, and the
whole world loves you. This is perhaps
one of the best cartoon films of all time
and what's great about it, is that it does-
n't matter what age you are.
No. 3: Die Hard This is one of the
best "blow 'em' up" movies, filled with
all the action you could ever want. Lots
of great one-liners to quote too. This
film keeps you on the edge of your seat
up until the very end.
No. 4: A Christmas Story All
Ralphie wants for Christmas is a Red
Ryder BB gun, mom and dad ... This
lighthearted comedy brings back such
childhood nostalgia that you might just
recall that one present that you had
wished for so badly. Perhaps the most
memorable seen in this movie is when a
kid gets his tongue stuck to a flag pole.
No. 5: A Christmas Carol Which
version of this famous story tops them
all? Surely "A Diva's Christmas Carol,"
the 2000 made for TV version. Ha, yeah
right. Honestly, there are so many
remakes of this film I can't keep them
all straight, but Dickens tells a great
story, and most versions of the story do
an excellent job sticking to the original
theme, Hey, you can never turn down
Bill Murray's "Scrooged."
Courtesy of 20th Century Fox
Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci have nothing on "Home Alone 3"'s David Thorton.
Courtesy of Your mom
Alan Rickman avoids long elevator lines after the Nakatomi Christmas party.
HORRIBLE HOLIDAY FLICKS
No. 1: Home Alone 3 The first one
was mildly entertaining, the second was
just plain dumb, and the third shouldn't
even be recognized. It has the same
plot, same ideas, everything ... It is so
overdone and a pure attempt to drag out
the success of Macaulay Culkins' hit,
but this sequel doesn't even have him in
it. Even if it did, it would still be bad.
No. 2: Silent Night, Deadly Night
Nothing like bringing out that
Christmas spirit with blood and gore. In
this horror film, Santa goes on a killing
spree. Ugh, need I say more. (oh yeah,
and if you can't get enough, there's four
sequels ... )
No. 3: Ernest Saves Christmas If
you like pure slapstick comedy, this
film may have some redeeming quali-
ties, but for the most part, it is a flop.
Inane, stupid, and a pure waste of your
time ... Ernest should go elsewhere
No. 4: A Very Brady Christmas
The original Brady family just cannot
be replicated. It's just not going to hap-
pen, especially when made into any sort
of movie. Just remember the cheesiness
of the 1995 "The Brady Bunch Movie,"
add a Christmas setting just for the heck
of it, and you're left with one stale hol-
No. 5: Jingle All the Way Hmm...
I don't know why, but it's hard to see
Arnold Schwarzenegger as anything
but the Terminator, especially a family
man who hunts for his son's perfect
Christmas gift with the aid of Sinbad.
Maybe it would help if this comedy
were actually funny.
The Michigan Review - To these lads we
bequeath one iota of our humor and wit to help with
their abysmal "Michigan Delay" parody. We could
parody ourselves better than you did. Give us a call
next year if you need a hand, you hacks.
Michigan Athletic Department - They may
have nothing to do with entertainment (clearly), but
we'll throw them a couple Lincoln Navigators so
they can buy some half decent players next year.
We're looking at you, Navarre.
Rebecca Gayheart - For the child slaying ex-
Noxema girl, we damn her to continue her career
arc, which will hopefully culminate with "From
Dusk 'Til Dawn 4," co-starring Kim Wayans, Ron
Jeremy and Mike Shank.
Steven Spielberg - Apparently we need to give
Spielberg a new set of cojones, because he has gone
from man eating sharks and-whip toting archaeolo-
gists to "A.I." and editing the "penisbreath" line and
the guns out of "E.T" Quit pussy-footing around
and make the fourth Indiana Jones movie, ass.
Creed - This self-indulgent, pseudo-righteous,
narcissistic troupe is getting a Bible so they can read
up on how being a Christian isn't about comparing
yourself to Jesus and spewing self-aggrandizing
lyrics at ex-Pearl Jam fans and 14 year old girls.
Which brings us to ...
Fourteen-Year-Old Girls - This age bracket is
not only responsible for "YM" magazine, it is a
major force in the music industry, inflating sales of
N'Sync and Fuel albums while depriving worthy
bands of positions on the top 10. We're giving them
Tenacious D's eponymous debut as an educational
Carson Daly - He's average in every way, he
wears glasses just to look smart and he's a massive
tool. He's getting a year supply of SlimFast, as his
rapidly increasing girth is making TRL even scarier.
Nickelback/Lifehouse/P. 0. D./Alicia
Keys/Enya/Linkin Park/Staind, etc. - The
whole crap rock genre is receiving a swift kick in
the ass for exacerbating the already sorry state of
Osama bin laden - We're stumped on this one.
We're either going to get him one of those water-
proof CD players from the Sharper Image, a mem-
bership to BMG or scabies.
Ridley Scott - This formerly great director has
entered a suck-cycle with steamers like "G.I. Jane"
and "Hannibal". We're getting him a letterbox copy
of the director's cut of his masterpiece
"Bladerunner" to give him a jumpstart.
Fraternities - Hmmm, what do you get for the
guy that feels he has pay dues to improve his social
status? We were going to get you a new white hat,
but we decided to go with free legal counsel - use
Sean "Puffy "Puff Daddy "P.Diddy"""
Combs - Since J.Lo left him, he has probably not
had a good year. After losing that fine piece of ass,
Combs probably needs a shoulder to cry on. Instead,
we're giving him a gun. No, not one to shoot people
with; he already did that. It's a water pistol - per-
fectly innocent, perfectly harmless.
Paul Thomas Anderson - With his upcoming
movie starring Adam Sandler, some might say we're
jumping the gun, but how 'bout this! ... That's right,
it's a karate chop. Keee-I!
Paramount Pictures - This goes out specifi-
cally to the office handling the DVDs, because the
Godfather Trilogy release was dismal at best. What
have we done to deserve such disrespect? We're
reaching deep into our sack 'o presents and giving
them a Moe Green special.
Everyone involved in the remake of "What's
Going On?" - This is one of the biggest presents
under the Christmas tree/Hannukah bush/Festivus
pole. Fred Durst gets to open it. Even though there
are many offenders, Durst's painful crooning at the
end of the song is worse than the rest of the song put
together. Inside he will find four horses and a length
of rope so he can be drawn and quartered.
David Lynch - For executing the unthinkable,
tle of the p
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Tons of c
give it: C
and Welcome to
Orlando's Citrus Bowl Party Headquarters
~GAN Big Belly Brewery
For more info on party reservations contact Chris at:
33 West Church Street Downtown Orlando 407-649-4270
Billboard top 10 chart
1. Weathered, Creed - There is no
band worse or more arrogant than these
2. Now 8, Various Artists - Happy
Holidays, here's a CD that blows goats.
We have proof.
3. Britney, Britney Spears - Further
proving her commitment to art, i mean
4. Scarecrow, Garth Brooks - This
tubby bitch drinks Dr. Pepper. Now we
5. Now That's What I Call
Christmas, Various Artists - Where's
Now that . what I call Hanukkah?
6. A Day Without Rain, Enya - The
soundtrack to Lord of the Rings isn't
gonna save her from us.
7. Cocky, Kid Rock - You could too
if you were knocking boots with Pamela.
8. M!ssundazstood, Pink - Miss
should learn to spell.
9. Escape, Enrique Iglesias - We'd
like to drop a Cleveland Steamer on his
10. Hybrid Theory, Linkin Park -
It would've been a way better band name
to be Linkin Logz. Yeah, with a "z".
Co~urtesy of Wvidup
Maybe we're giving this band too much
O.J. SmIPSON'S HOUSE SEARCHED
BY FBI FOR DRUG INFORMATION -
Twas three weeks before Christmas, and
in O.J.'s house, the DEA and FBI broke
in on the louse. He protested them, but
they did not care, and hoped that some
Ecstacy they would find there. The drug
was being smuggled, so say the feds, and
maybe O.J. tried to mess up kids' heads.
The ex-baller's lawyers said he had noth-
ing to do with that crap, and the fuzz had
simply set a faulty trap. Police and DEA
arrived with a clatter, and they said the
fact that they had no warrant did not
matter. This is all courtesy of the Internet
Movie Database. and by the way, O.J.
probaby killed his wife, which is in quite
SCHWARZENEGGER GETS RECORD
SALARY FOR 'TERMINATOR 3' - While
all the Whos down in Whoville fall into
recession-al rot, the Schwarzenegger
that lived above Whoville did not.
Zap2it.com claims Arnold will return for
the sequel, and the money he will recieve
has not seen an equal. For 30 million dol-
lars, his salary should thrill him, but at
53-year-old, stuntwork could kill him.
Cameron is gone, and Hamilton is gone.
Will the audiences fawn or just yawn,
Weekend box office K 7
From the dust bowl of Oklahoma to the sands of Calfornia, a
sweeping epic of the American experience including music of the period.
Figures in millions of dollars.
1. Harry Potter and the
Sorcerer's Stone (23.6) Ha ha, can't
even beat a stupid boat. Bitch.
2. Behind Enemy Lines (18.7)
Owen Wilson fighting the Serbs. Hope
they get him.
3. Spy Game (11.0) I could so kick
Brad Pitts ass. And I would, if I hadn't
busted my leg last week. Seriously.
4. Monsters Inc (9.1) Good God,
my ass could make more money.
5. Black Knight (5.5) Get it, he's
6. Shallow Hal (4.5) Get yer ass to
K-town now. It's Tenacious D time!
7. Out Cold (2,7) I knew "Cool as
Ice," "Cool as Ice" was a friend of mine,
you, sir, are no "Cool as Ice."
8. Domestic Disturbance (1.9) He
actually punches at the camera, like he's
punching the audience!
9. Amelie (1.3) A good foreign film
on the top ten? Armegeddon has
10. Heist (1.1) I liked this movie
Courtesy of Twentieth Century Fox
Oh no! He's gonna shoot the Juice!
better the first time when it was called...
Wait, no I didn't. _