w w U U -4 - -- 4B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazine - Thursday, December 6, 2001 Holiday films: The good, the bad and the god-awful The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Maga2 EEE: HOLIDAY EDITION Less Than Zero gives out therstocking By Jenny Jeltes Daily Arts Writer THE BEST HOLDIAY MOVIES No. 1: It's a Wonderful Life What would the world be like without good o Jinrmy Stewart playing George Bailey, the man of the town? This inspi- rational story is just so happy you can't help but feel all warm and fuzzy after- wards. And more than that, the dark edge to this film really gets you think- ing. No. 2: How the Grinch Stole Christmas You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch ... But you're famous, and the whole world loves you. This is perhaps one of the best cartoon films of all time and what's great about it, is that it does- n't matter what age you are. No. 3: Die Hard This is one of the best "blow 'em' up" movies, filled with all the action you could ever want. Lots of great one-liners to quote too. This film keeps you on the edge of your seat up until the very end. No. 4: A Christmas Story All Ralphie wants for Christmas is a Red Ryder BB gun, mom and dad ... This lighthearted comedy brings back such childhood nostalgia that you might just recall that one present that you had wished for so badly. Perhaps the most memorable seen in this movie is when a kid gets his tongue stuck to a flag pole. No. 5: A Christmas Carol Which version of this famous story tops them all? Surely "A Diva's Christmas Carol," the 2000 made for TV version. Ha, yeah right. Honestly, there are so many remakes of this film I can't keep them all straight, but Dickens tells a great story, and most versions of the story do an excellent job sticking to the original theme, Hey, you can never turn down Bill Murray's "Scrooged." Courtesy of 20th Century Fox Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci have nothing on "Home Alone 3"'s David Thorton. Courtesy of Your mom Alan Rickman avoids long elevator lines after the Nakatomi Christmas party. HORRIBLE HOLIDAY FLICKS No. 1: Home Alone 3 The first one was mildly entertaining, the second was just plain dumb, and the third shouldn't even be recognized. It has the same plot, same ideas, everything ... It is so overdone and a pure attempt to drag out the success of Macaulay Culkins' hit, but this sequel doesn't even have him in it. Even if it did, it would still be bad. No. 2: Silent Night, Deadly Night Nothing like bringing out that Christmas spirit with blood and gore. In this horror film, Santa goes on a killing spree. Ugh, need I say more. (oh yeah, and if you can't get enough, there's four sequels ... ) No. 3: Ernest Saves Christmas If you like pure slapstick comedy, this film may have some redeeming quali- ties, but for the most part, it is a flop. Inane, stupid, and a pure waste of your time ... Ernest should go elsewhere during Christmas. No. 4: A Very Brady Christmas The original Brady family just cannot be replicated. It's just not going to hap- pen, especially when made into any sort of movie. Just remember the cheesiness of the 1995 "The Brady Bunch Movie," add a Christmas setting just for the heck of it, and you're left with one stale hol- iday film. No. 5: Jingle All the Way Hmm... I don't know why, but it's hard to see Arnold Schwarzenegger as anything but the Terminator, especially a family man who hunts for his son's perfect Christmas gift with the aid of Sinbad. Maybe it would help if this comedy were actually funny. The Michigan Review - To these lads we bequeath one iota of our humor and wit to help with their abysmal "Michigan Delay" parody. We could parody ourselves better than you did. Give us a call next year if you need a hand, you hacks. Michigan Athletic Department - They may have nothing to do with entertainment (clearly), but we'll throw them a couple Lincoln Navigators so they can buy some half decent players next year. We're looking at you, Navarre. Rebecca Gayheart - For the child slaying ex- Noxema girl, we damn her to continue her career arc, which will hopefully culminate with "From Dusk 'Til Dawn 4," co-starring Kim Wayans, Ron Jeremy and Mike Shank. Steven Spielberg - Apparently we need to give Spielberg a new set of cojones, because he has gone from man eating sharks and-whip toting archaeolo- gists to "A.I." and editing the "penisbreath" line and the guns out of "E.T" Quit pussy-footing around and make the fourth Indiana Jones movie, ass. Creed - This self-indulgent, pseudo-righteous, narcissistic troupe is getting a Bible so they can read up on how being a Christian isn't about comparing yourself to Jesus and spewing self-aggrandizing lyrics at ex-Pearl Jam fans and 14 year old girls. Which brings us to ... Fourteen-Year-Old Girls - This age bracket is not only responsible for "YM" magazine, it is a major force in the music industry, inflating sales of N'Sync and Fuel albums while depriving worthy LYLE LU HENRETTY SM bands of positions on the top 10. We're giving them Tenacious D's eponymous debut as an educational measure. Carson Daly - He's average in every way, he wears glasses just to look smart and he's a massive tool. He's getting a year supply of SlimFast, as his rapidly increasing girth is making TRL even scarier. Nickelback/Lifehouse/P. 0. D./Alicia Keys/Enya/Linkin Park/Staind, etc. - The whole crap rock genre is receiving a swift kick in the ass for exacerbating the already sorry state of music. Osama bin laden - We're stumped on this one. We're either going to get him one of those water- proof CD players from the Sharper Image, a mem- bership to BMG or scabies. Ridley Scott - This formerly great director has entered a suck-cycle with steamers like "G.I. Jane" and "Hannibal". We're getting him a letterbox copy of the director's cut of his masterpiece "Bladerunner" to give him a jumpstart. Fraternities - Hmmm, what do you get for the guy that feels he has pay dues to improve his social status? We were going to get you a new white hat, but we decided to go with free legal counsel - use it wisely. Ii KE ANDY TH TAYLOR-FABE Sean "Puffy "Puff Daddy "P.Diddy""" Combs - Since J.Lo left him, he has probably not had a good year. After losing that fine piece of ass, Combs probably needs a shoulder to cry on. Instead, we're giving him a gun. No, not one to shoot people with; he already did that. It's a water pistol - per- fectly innocent, perfectly harmless. Paul Thomas Anderson - With his upcoming movie starring Adam Sandler, some might say we're jumping the gun, but how 'bout this! ... That's right, it's a karate chop. Keee-I! Paramount Pictures - This goes out specifi- cally to the office handling the DVDs, because the Godfather Trilogy release was dismal at best. What have we done to deserve such disrespect? We're reaching deep into our sack 'o presents and giving them a Moe Green special. Everyone involved in the remake of "What's Going On?" - This is one of the biggest presents under the Christmas tree/Hannukah bush/Festivus pole. Fred Durst gets to open it. Even though there are many offenders, Durst's painful crooning at the end of the song is worse than the rest of the song put together. Inside he will find four horses and a length of rope so he can be drawn and quartered. David Lynch - For executing the unthinkable, crafting a breaking. the increa The St tle of the p have give They get a air time. Hideo ter place 1 Liberty." loads oftm Christo breathing summer,a nothing v a long, pr Grand violent gi pimps yo gets a pas of the Wa Tenaci and best 1 Tons of c The fa hardest o give it: C alicia. ke Congratulations Wolverines and Welcome to Orlando's Citrus Bowl Party Headquarters Chillers t ~GAN Big Belly Brewery Latitudes For more info on party reservations contact Chris at: cmeyer@cseorlando.com 33 West Church Street Downtown Orlando 407-649-4270 Billboard top 10 chart 1. Weathered, Creed - There is no band worse or more arrogant than these monkeys. 2. Now 8, Various Artists - Happy Holidays, here's a CD that blows goats. We have proof. 3. Britney, Britney Spears - Further proving her commitment to art, i mean Pepsi. 4. Scarecrow, Garth Brooks - This tubby bitch drinks Dr. Pepper. Now we don't. 5. Now That's What I Call Christmas, Various Artists - Where's Now that . what I call Hanukkah? 6. A Day Without Rain, Enya - The soundtrack to Lord of the Rings isn't gonna save her from us. 7. Cocky, Kid Rock - You could too if you were knocking boots with Pamela. 8. M!ssundazstood, Pink - Miss should learn to spell. 9. Escape, Enrique Iglesias - We'd like to drop a Cleveland Steamer on his face. 10. Hybrid Theory, Linkin Park - It would've been a way better band name to be Linkin Logz. Yeah, with a "z". Co~urtesy of Wvidup Maybe we're giving this band too much exposure. WHAT'S I ENTERTAI O.J. SmIPSON'S HOUSE SEARCHED BY FBI FOR DRUG INFORMATION - Twas three weeks before Christmas, and in O.J.'s house, the DEA and FBI broke in on the louse. He protested them, but they did not care, and hoped that some Ecstacy they would find there. The drug was being smuggled, so say the feds, and maybe O.J. tried to mess up kids' heads. The ex-baller's lawyers said he had noth- ing to do with that crap, and the fuzz had simply set a faulty trap. Police and DEA arrived with a clatter, and they said the fact that they had no warrant did not matter. This is all courtesy of the Internet Movie Database. and by the way, O.J. probaby killed his wife, which is in quite poor taste. SCHWARZENEGGER GETS RECORD SALARY FOR 'TERMINATOR 3' - While all the Whos down in Whoville fall into recession-al rot, the Schwarzenegger that lived above Whoville did not. Zap2it.com claims Arnold will return for the sequel, and the money he will recieve has not seen an equal. For 30 million dol- lars, his salary should thrill him, but at 53-year-old, stuntwork could kill him. Cameron is gone, and Hamilton is gone. Will the audiences fawn or just yawn, Weekend box office K 7 From the dust bowl of Oklahoma to the sands of Calfornia, a sweeping epic of the American experience including music of the period. Figures in millions of dollars. 1. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (23.6) Ha ha, can't even beat a stupid boat. Bitch. 2. Behind Enemy Lines (18.7) Owen Wilson fighting the Serbs. Hope they get him. 3. Spy Game (11.0) I could so kick Brad Pitts ass. And I would, if I hadn't busted my leg last week. Seriously. 4. Monsters Inc (9.1) Good God, my ass could make more money. Disney sucks. 5. Black Knight (5.5) Get it, he's black! 6. Shallow Hal (4.5) Get yer ass to K-town now. It's Tenacious D time! 7. Out Cold (2,7) I knew "Cool as Ice," "Cool as Ice" was a friend of mine, you, sir, are no "Cool as Ice." 8. Domestic Disturbance (1.9) He actually punches at the camera, like he's punching the audience! 9. Amelie (1.3) A good foreign film on the top ten? Armegeddon has arrived. 10. Heist (1.1) I liked this movie -I Courtesy of Twentieth Century Fox Oh no! He's gonna shoot the Juice! better the first time when it was called... Wait, no I didn't. _ ...........