10B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazine - Thursday, November 15, 2001
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The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazine
HOw TO PICK UP ANYONE: A COURSE ON HUMAN INTERACTION
Underworld theme, Aeris' theme
video gmes are more than scores
Iknow what you're thinking. It's
hard to meet new people, isn't it?
You've been out there in the
world with the monsters and animals
and only have emotional scars to
show for it. You've been used, and,
perhaps, abused. You've been lied to.
You've been broken down, torn apart
and thrown to the wind.
But OK, now listen to this. People
aren't so terrible. Just because
you've had a few bad experiences
doesn't mean you should give up on
humanity. There are good people out
there. Most of them aren't out to
destroy you and some of them would
even be interested in getting to know
you.
I'll admit it. I've never done much
in the way of charity or community
service. I don't donate my time to
soup kitchens, I don't give my spare
change to Ann Arbor's lovable hobo
population and an "Alternative
Spring Break" for me would mean
anything other than getting drunk for
six straight nights. So I've decided
to use this column to give back to
society and help all of you single
people out there find that special
guy or girl. It might be too late to
find someone to
bring home to
the family on
Thanksgiving,
but if you fol-
low my advice,
you stand a
passing chance
of not being
alone come
Valentine's Day.
Ben The wind being
up, let's begin:
Goldstein Rubric 1:
C o nfi d e n c e
lc! pricks us on
The first
thing you need to do, before any-
thing else, is ditch that horrible stink
of defeat and depression that's been
hanging on you like a cheap suit.
You haven't been lucky in love; that
much is obvious. But please try to
hide it, because everyone can smell
it on you, and the scent of despera-
tion is worse than your morning
breath and body odor combined,
which by the way you should try to
do something about. Confidence is
key in meeting new people. One way
to create confidence is to adopt an
"I'm all that and a side order of
rings" attitude, in which you don't
have to stress about how you look or
what other people think about you
because you know that you are some
hot, desirable stuff. Before entering
a public place, repeat this phrase to
yourself, no less than five times:
"Everybody here wants to do me."
After a while, you will start to
believe it, and people will take
notice.
Body language is also very impor-
tant. Stand tall. Knuckles off the
ground. Hands out of armpits and in
away from the front of your pants.
Fingers out of all orifices. No
bouncing from foot to foot. Stop
your hands from shaking at all costs.
The sex symbols on television and
movies, you don't see their hands
shaking, do you? It is also a good
idea to accentuate the best aspects of
your body, if there are any. If you are
a female and you have a well-devel-
oped chest, for example, you might
wear something with a low neckline
or stand in a way that draws atten-
tion to your upper torso. If you are a
male and you think that your geni-
tals are "the bomb," find ways to
subtly point to your crotch. The sub-
liminal messaging will not be lost on
the other people in the room.
Rubric 2: Of situations and con-
versations
As a wise man once said, "you
never get a second chance to make a
first impression." Cheesv and ovpr-
used "pick-up lines" never work
(unless you are famous, in which
case anything you say will work).
Lines like "Have we met before?"
and "You write a really funny col-
umn for the Daily" are notoriously
lame and will only result in humilia-
tion, as if you need more of that. But
you will still need an conversation
opener to break the ice. Try these:
In class: "Wow, this class some-
how both sucks and blows at the
same time. I wish I was at home lis-
tening to John Coltrane's 'A Love
Supreme'." This will show that you
have a keen wit and a sophisticated
understanding of music.
At a house party: "This beer tastes
like piss. I drink Heineken, mostly.
Would you like to dance?" This will
show that you have discriminating
tastes in alcohol and like to have fun.
Everyone loves a dancer.
In line at Shaman Drum: "I can't
fucking stand this place. Do all
English professors have to order
their books here? Hey look, we've
almost made it to Biener's Wieners.
This is the only hot dog stand I'll
buy from. Would you like to have a
turkey dog with me?" This will show
that, as an English major, you have a
passion for literature - very sexy,
by the way - and that you respect
local merchants, you are generous
and you care about your health.
To maintain conversation once it's
started, engage the emotional side of
the person you're talking to with
provocative questions like "What do
you hate most about yourself?" and
"What do you hate most about your
family?" Don't be afraid to ask the
person what their top five movies of
all time are, or what's in their CD
player at the moment. If the same
questions are asked of you, avoid
being honest in your answers.
Instead, pick movies and CDs that
might impress who you are talking
to. The type of person and situation
will dictate what these might be. Use
your best judgment.
Rubric 3: Closing the deal
If you've gotten this far, the rest is
cake. Avoid at all costs the urge to
say "Yeah, so maybe we should get
coffee sometime?"'You are not fool-
ing anyone! Also, avoid any varia-
tion of "I know we just met in line at
Shaman Drum and everything, but I
really feel like I love you. Do you
love me?" Bad form, as they say.
As a general rule, men find it
endearing and fun when the lady
takes charge, as it saves them the
risk of an awkward situation. So
women, you might say something
like "Well it was really nice meeting
you. You'll be picking me up this
Saturday at 7:30 at my house; we're
going to Palio's for dinner then
Conor O'Neill's for drinks." The guy
won't know what hit him! Another
general rule is that women hate nice
guys and love being treated like
garbage. So men, you might say
something like "Maybe I'll try to
find your e-mail address or some-
thing, but I probably won't e-mail
you, because you seem like a total
loser I wouldn't want to be seen in
public with. But I might e-mail you
so we can make plans sometime. But
probably not."
Hey, real quick. This has nothing
to do with the column or anything,
but my editor, Jane, has really been
on my case lately to start work on
this condom review feature I prom-
ised I would write. I was joking
when I said I'd do it, but apparently
she thought I was serious so I'm
kinda up Shit's Creek, here. Anyway,
if you're a female, ages 18-30, who
would like to be a participant in a
fun little experiment, the results of
which will be used in an upcoming
Weekend, Etc. feature, e-mail me.
The study would take 5-30 minutes
and you will be paid $10. Have a
great weekend, everybody!
- Ben Goldstein can be reached at
bgo ldst@umich.edu
SWhat do you call a situation where
everyone wants to run your life?
By Jeff Dickerson and Luke Smith
Daily Arts Editors
While playing videogames for
what was undoubtedly hours upon
hours of our childhoods, thousands
of simple 8-bit melodies were firmly
entrenched in our brains. Now, with
next-gen console designers engaged
in an interactive arms race, single
note blips have blossomed into full
digital orchestration. Despite gam-
ing's rapid developments it is still the
simplest melodies that ring the loud-
est.
The importance of videogame
music was somewhat underscored in
the earliest stages of NES, games
like "Bayou Billy" and "Pro
Wrestling" didn't have the ultra-
clever sound effects, but the games
did have their own endearing quali-
ties, (Bayou Billy's excruciatingly
difficult first level, and of course
Star Man in PW). The "Super Mario
Bros." theme reappears in some man-
ifestation throughout the series
(except for "Super Mario Bros. 2,"
which was of course not a true
"Mario Bros." game, but a classic in
its own right). Similarly, "Legend of
Zelda" had the same theme ring
throughout its various inceptions
across different platforms.
And with virtually no adieu, here
is a humble list of the greatest music,
we've ever sat in front of a television
for.
Tecmo Bowl - The game's open-
ing credits prepare you for a war
greater than any sports game before,
and any sports game since. While the
theme music "duh duh, duh duh duh
duh duh da-da" cruises in the back-
ground, the game scans through
generic teams that somehow scored
legitimate NFLPA Licensing, so Eric
Dickerson and Bo Jackson are in the
game, they just play for the "other"
teams in Indianapolis and Los
Angeles.
Actraiser - One of the first
games released for Super NES back
in '91. The Action/RPG showed off
the power of the system with its rev-
olutionary Mode 7 rotating effects,
but the true technical marvel of the
game was Yuzo Koshiro's epic
soundtrack. The overworld theme
never got old despite hours upon
hours of play and the intense boss
battles were highlighted by the thun-
derous thumping techno score.
Japanese copies of the soundtrack
can be purchased on Ebay for
upwards of $250, no joke.
Castlevania: Symphony of the
Night - Arguably one of the great-
est games for the Playstation, or any
other system for that matter. This
time around you take control of
Alucard, son of Dracula, as you slay
through the vast castle. Each portion
of the sprawling world featured
memorable music, you'll swear
you're listening to a motion picture
score. The only downfall came at the
very end of the game when the
cheesy Japanese ballad "I Am the
Wind" rolls along with the credits.
Parappa the Rapper - Kick,
punch, it's all in the mind! Possibly
the most bizarre game to hit
American shores, this 2D interactive
music title included some of the most
catchy songs to grace a videogame
console. From rap to reggae, Parappa
and his paper-thin physique sang his
way through six levels of quirky situ-
ations from getting a drivers license
to baking a cake. Fans of the game
will be pleased to know the sequel is
on its way to the PS2.
Super Metroid - "The last
metroid is in captivity. The galaxy is
at peace." So began the third install-
ment of the classic Nintendo series,
making the transition from NES to
Game Boy to Super NES. Samus
continued her hunt of the life-suck-
ing aliens on the Planet Zebes. The
bosses took up more than the screen
could hold and the soundtrack was
just as big.
F-Zero - A launch game with the
Super Nintendo, this futuristic racing
game has yet to be surpassed. The
theme of the first level, "Mute City
I," will stay permanently branded on
your brain whether you've played it
once or a thousand times (your hum-
ble reviewers are part of the latter
group). Fastest time recorded on the
course is a flawless 2'02"31. Just try
to top that, it can't be done.
Final Fantasy VII - Admit it,
you cried when Aeris died. Don't tell
us you didn't. The first installment of
the most popular RPG series on
Playstation, "Final Fantasy VII" had
gamers holding their collective
breaths as the launch date of
September 7, 1997 drew closer. Die
hard fans of the series were instantly
relieved to find the series transported
successfully into the 3D realm.
Nobuo Uematsu once again provided
a masterful score to accompany the
40-plus hour quest. Buy the four disc
set online, it's the perfect study
music.
Super Mario Bros. - Ask a ran-
dom student to hum the theme to the
classic game and chances are they'll
know every note. The celebrated
yarn of a mushroom-eating-plumber
turned princess-rescuing-hero was
the game that launched Nintendo
Zelda's always sleeping. If Link were
into the videogame industry strat
sphere. It may not have the magnu
opus score
Tetris - Damn those craz
Russians. Back in the 1985 Alexe
Pazhitnov invented the most addic
ing videogame ever produced. Th
simple concept of placing four piec
blocks together hooked game:
around the world when it was pact
aged with Game Boy in 198'
Legions of fans were so entrance
with beating their high score the
didn't realize the music was beir
fused to their distracted mind
Hearing the monotonous music alor
can invoke a mental game of "Tetris
no matter what you're doing.
Legend of Zelda: A Link to thl
Past - Link's Super Nintend
I
Stood up to casual night out
THE
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Cloud lays the fair Aeris to rest. Could someone pass me a tissue?
"You're gonna need a bigger boat."
ThcWal'cRush Tiekats
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Sweet Honey
This ensemble of s
African-American
last 25 years perfc
jazz, gospel and re
Across from the Diag
in the Nickels Arcade at State Street
17 Nickels Arcade
Ann Arbor, MI 48104
Phone: (734) 665-7240
Fax:(734) 665-7167
E-mail: vbshoes@provide.net
Men's Tripoli
Trek Travel Shoe
Versatile, lightweight, flexible design for
Going the distance in complete comfort.
Leather uppers with moisture-wicking
Linings. Rubber lug sole for traction.
for the journey'
a play about family entanglements by
English playwright David Hare
Directed by John Neville-Andrews
Andreas Schc
Performing with lu
Andreas Scholl bri
sance songs by Jo
and others.
Nov. 15 -
17 at 8pm - Nov. 18 at 2pm - Mendelssohn Theatre
Tickets $20 and $15 - Students $7 w/lD
League Ticket Office - 734-764-2538
LARQr- eectio R I -ternation 1
\N eS u oc e 1ary
ltssntvieos te re ieo.
alternative video store 119 East Liberty 663-3121
Sun-Thurs 10am-mid . Fri-Sat 10am-1am
ums 764.25
rAvalid student ID is require
soC+ . offered if an event is sold ot
UM School of Music " Department of Theatre and Drama