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October 25, 2001 - Image 16

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The Michigan Daily, 2001-10-25

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V V V V w

V V V V V

The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazi

6B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazine - Thursday, October 25, 2001
A HALLOWEEN GRAB BAG? SPOOKY TALES & HELPFUL HINTS!

Be a better person: Break free of South I

iI fucking love Halloween.
You're reading this now and
" you're probably like "Well
who doesn't? I mean seriously!" But
I love Halloween, I really do. In fact,
I like all holidays, even the Jewish
ones. Somewhat related to this topic
of holidays, me and "D-Town Dana"
just spent a most enjoyable Sweetest
Day together. Sweetest Day may be a
conspiracy between greeting card
companies, florists and restaurants to
increase business, but I'll support any
holiday that gives us an excuse to
embrace a loved one, look him/her in
the eye/s and say "Hey man, I really
care about you."
2. Before I go any further, let me
say that people who are alone on
Sweetest Day are huge losers.
Anyway, me and D-Town made plans
to do all kinds of fun, romantic stuff,
and we made dinner reservations and
everything, but we ended up just
staying in and knockin' the bizzoots
all day (and all night) long, know
what I'm sayin'? Dizzoin' the nizza-

sty. Gittin' our lil' freaks on. And
afterwards, eating a pizzound of raw
cookie dizzough. It was truly a
..., ... Sweetest Day to
remember. I
don't know if I
should be say-
. ing this, but D-
Town Dana is a
real tiger in the
sack. I'll cover
that in more
detail in my
next column.
Benb3. You might,
by this point, be
Goldstein wondering why
I'm numbering
Boo! all of my para-
graphs. And I
suppose you have every right to
know, Constant Reader, so I'll tell
you. My friend "Aaron Brink" (that's
not his real name, of course) pointed
out that my columns were "OK," but
they'd be more dynamic, engaging
and easier to read if all the para-

graphs were numbered or bulleted.
So, I'm trying the numbering thing
this week. If it goes well, I might try
the bullets at some point ,in the
future. That's all.
4. 1 fucking love Halloween. If I
know you as well as I think I do, you
may be asking yourself "Why?" pr
maybe silently mouthing the word as
you read this. Well, I'm now going to
tell you why. First, late October is a
beautiful time.of year, what with the
colored leaves and brisk chill that
makes your extremities tingle in the
most delightful way! Second two
very important people share a birth-
day on Halloween, 'my housemate
Brooke (who is just the best -
remember to wish her a happy birth-
day if you see her on Wednesday) and
Vanilla Ice, who I knew when he was
just Robbie Van Winkle, a kind and
unassuming young man who liked
nothing more than to race his motor-
cycle around the neighborhood.
Third the holiday itself is absolutely
bombdiggity. I'll use paragraph five
to describe why I think this is.
5. Candy is great, especially those
snack-size Snickers bars. Scaring lit-
tle kids and old people is great, espe-
cially if you're like me and you have
a ton of pent-up aggression that real-
ly should be worked out in therapy

but is instead usually pushed way,
way deep down inside. There is an
atmosphere of debauchery in the air
that brings out the snot-nosed little'
prankster in all of us. And most col-
lege girls I know use Halloween as
an excuse to get super-sexy, cos-
tume-wise. It's fantastic. All of the
devils, angels, schoolgirls, French
maids, kitty cats and belly dancers
come out ... and all of them showing
off their delicious asses! Now that's
my kind of candy! Yum yum, Trick or
Treat!
6. Since Halloween is only six
days away (can't wait!), I'll share a
story with you. It's a scary story, so if
you have young children reading this
with you, put them to bed right now.
It's about a boy named Dirk. Dirk
was a fifth-grader who loved
Halloween. When night fell on
October 31, he rushed out the door to
meet his friends, Mark, Eddie,
Brock, Reed, Chest and Philip
Seymour. After an hour and a half of
trolling the familiar streets around
his own, Dirk told his friends he felt
like crossing the railroad tracks to
"the rich side of town," where he
could get some serious candy. Mark,
Eddie, Brock, Reed, Chest and Philip
Seymour all said they didn't want to,
because their parents had told them_

I

Reaction Women's

Steve Madden

never to bother those people. Dirk
had no parents; he was raised by an
older sister. So, he went off on his
own, crossed the tracks, gave his
friends the finger and called them
"pussies."
7. Long story short, the people on
the other side of the tracks, who
seemed so nice from afar, gave Dirk'
Rice Krispie treats with razor blades
in them and an entire fruitcake that
could have just as easily been called a
"fruit and rat poison cake." He ended
up in the hospital and almost died.
8. So when you go trick-or-treat-
ing on Wednesday, there are a few
things you need to remember. 1) Go
with a large group, and stay with the
group. 2) Do not bother rich folks. 3)
Have everything you are given
inspected by an adult before you eat
it; don't give into the temptation to
dig into your haul before going
home. 4) Don't wear dark-colored
costumes; cars won't be able to see
you and that could be dangerous. 5)
Expect the unexpected! Bring- a
backpack with provisions for at least
three days. You could get lost in the
woods. 6) Stay away from 502
Catherine. I heard they give out pen-
nies instead of candy. 7) If you do
happen to get lost in the woods (as
mentioned in point 5), and you see a
house, which seems a little odd
because of its remoteness from civi-
lization and the fact that it's all by
itself out there in the woods, do not
go inside, even if nobody seems to be
home. The house is where
Leatherface and the rest of his fami-
lv live. And if you've seen "Texas
Chainsaw Massacre," you'd remem-
ber that the murderous family of can-
nibals didn't even spare the poor kid
in the wheelchair. Franklin, I believe
his name was.
9. "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," or
TCM as I like to call it, is an incredi-
ble horror flick. If you're too old to go
trick-or-treating and are thinking about
staying in and renting a movie, don't
go with the obvious (i.e. "Halloween,"
"The Exorcist," "Friday the 13th").
Get TCM. It was revolutionary in its
day. Compared to horror movies made
before it, TCM was like what grunge
was to glam rock.
10. One final thought. If people
come to your door asking for candy,
believe them when they say "trick-or-
treat." In other words, if you don't give
up the goods, your ass could very well
be tricked like a real ho-ass bitch, and
it would be your own damn fault. If
you forget to buy candy on Wednesday,
give out beer or plastic bags full of dry
cereal instead. Your egg-free car, toilet
paper-free front yard and dead cat-free
porch will thank you later.
11. lave a great Halloween every-
body. Be safe, be smart and have fun.
Take care of yourselves. And each
other.
Ben Goldstein can be reached at
bjgoldst@umich.edu, and yes, he will
just be using Halloween as an excuse
to dress sexy. E-mail him with a scary
Halloween-themed tale ofyour own.
The most blood-curdling one wins a
coupon for six bagels at Einstein
Brothers! That's spook-tacular!

Venturing to Ashley's,
downtown yields
better bar experience
By Michael Grass
Weekend, Etc. Food and Drink Critic
The student population at the
University falls into two distinct cate-
gories: Townie and non-townie. And
while geography is a good tool to mea-
sure this distinction (average Joe stu-
dent stays close to South University
Avenue, while free-thinkers and pro-
gressives are more apt to frequent State,
Liberty and Main streets), the place
where students choose to do their drink-
ing can be a far superior method.
For many students of age, thinking
about straying from Tuesdays at
Mitch's Place, Wednesday's at Rick's
American Cafe and Thursday's at
Scorekeepers-cycle, is sacrilegious.
For many students, a venture across the
Diag to S'keepers is the closest to
downtown they will get in their college
career.
I can see why. For the average Greek
living on Washtenaw Avenue, a 20-
minute walk to Main Street is not worth
it. The bad parking downtown is a
deterrent as well. Granted. That's why
the social scene of most people doesn't
move past South U.
For you who think Good Time
Charley's has good food, stop reading
now; you don't deserve to leave your
South U. ghetto. If you are not willing
to abandon your South U. mentality,
you have no business crossing State
Street.
If you are willing to open your eyes,
there are better bars out there. And if
you aren't afraid to mix with the "town-
ies," Ann Arbor will be a totally differ-
ent city.
For variety, two places come to mind
when I get tired of the monotony of
Thursday nights at S'keepers or
Tuesday's at Mitch's. The first isn't all
that far away, in fact, it's closer to cam-
pus than S'keepers: Ashley's Pub at
338 S. State St.
"Life is too short to drink cheap
beer": That's Ashley's motto and as the
state's largest multi-tap, you won't drink
Sdebaucherized beer -- by that I mean a
macro brew, i.e. Bud Light, Coors,
Miller Genuine Draft.
The lowest grade beer they have is
Labatt's Blue and Amstel Light, consid-
ered good beer at a place on South U.
But Ashley's makes the beer seem
glamorous - Labatt's Blue is described
on the menu as a "pale lager, bland per-
fumy sweetness" while Amstel Light is
a "light bodied beer, sharp on the palate
with a dry finish."
You have to be adventurous. If not,
you are desecrating the joint and open-
ing yourself up to attack. (Once, I heard
an entire section go quiet when some-
one asked for MGD.)
So what if you are in Ashley's for the
first time and are a "degener-brew"
connoisseur, instead of someone who
has an acquired beer taste? Don't fret,
follow these steps and you'll be OK.
' Ashley's beer list is divided into the
following sections: English ales,
Belgian ales, Scottish ales, lagers,

porters and stouts, specialty beers and
wheat beers. If you don't know what
those mean, ask your server. All
Ashley's staff I've come across know
what they're talking about and are good
at guiding you through the beer selec-
tion process. You can also sample beers
to get an orientation.
My current favorite is Ruddles
County Ale, after a year of ordering the
Motor City Pale Ale, Celebrator
Dopplebock and Dead Guy Ale.
All beers here are worth trying.
Try the Caledonian Double Dark
from Scotland for $6.50: "Open copper
boiling vessels impart a great mellow-
ness to this dark ale."
Or one of Ashley's specialty beers
like De Troch Kriek from Belgium for
S8: "A lambic beer, sweet cherry flavor
with a long sharp finish.
Or Bell's Kalamazoo Stout for $5:
"Rich dark, ale malt brew, sweet with a
hint of coffee aftertaste."
Ashley's has more than 60 beers on
tap and navigating the complete list can
be a challenge. If you're vigilant, will-
ing to stray from the ordinary, you'll
find something that you'll like.
Ashley's liquor offerings are just as
extensive and also has the city's finest
collection of scotch and whiskey, most
in the S6-$9 range.

Ashley's has grown to be my favorite
bar in the city because of its good mix
of townies and non-townies. I've run
into my GSIs and even University
Regent Dan Horning (R-Grand Haven).
It's a place for everyone to eat, drink
and be merry.
Speaking of food, out of any campus
bar, Ashley's rates up there with some
of the best non-drink offerings. (Try the
Stilton Fries and the Lineman burger.)
Obviously, Ashley's is more expen-
sive than most campus bars. In the
name of better beer, the price is worth
it.
But what if you want to escape it all
and blend into the woodwork at an
exclusively "townie" bar? What if you
want to totally escape the ass pants, pea
coats and Abercrombie visors? Then try
something downtown, like the Del Rio
at 122 W. Washington St., just one block
west of Main.,
The Del isn't a huge place. It doesn't
boast a beer selection like Ashley's
does, but the place, like Ashley's, has
steered clear of the campus macro-brew
consensus, sticking to pub classics like
Bass and Bell's. Thankfully, you won't
find Honey Brown or Milwaukee's
Best.
Not much has changed at the Del in
the past 20 years. In fact reading a Daily

Diesel

review from 1982 yields the same ty
of impression now:
"1982 - we're drowning in a sea
pink and green as students try to c
conform each other. We sip our bee
Charley's or Dooley's (I have no i
where Dooley's was), where har
peppy, preppy plasticity is the ordei
the day. ... That's OK -- if you're go
at that sort of thing. But if you long
a time when the hair longer, the clot
more rumpled and the drunken st
ments more profound, there's still
oasis of the Ann Arbor bar circuit. .,
haven of authenticity? Del Rio."
- That's right. At the Del, you're m
likely to run into a interesting holdc
from the 1960s or a town philosop
rather than a vapid group of cam
student group leaders having a g
together at Charley's over a pitchei
Honey Brown discussing their next :
vice project. The conversations at

Reaction Men's

THlE!P

Reaction Men's

{1
Steve Madden

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