V V V V w V V V V V The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazi 6B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazine - Thursday, October 25, 2001 A HALLOWEEN GRAB BAG? SPOOKY TALES & HELPFUL HINTS! Be a better person: Break free of South I iI fucking love Halloween. You're reading this now and " you're probably like "Well who doesn't? I mean seriously!" But I love Halloween, I really do. In fact, I like all holidays, even the Jewish ones. Somewhat related to this topic of holidays, me and "D-Town Dana" just spent a most enjoyable Sweetest Day together. Sweetest Day may be a conspiracy between greeting card companies, florists and restaurants to increase business, but I'll support any holiday that gives us an excuse to embrace a loved one, look him/her in the eye/s and say "Hey man, I really care about you." 2. Before I go any further, let me say that people who are alone on Sweetest Day are huge losers. Anyway, me and D-Town made plans to do all kinds of fun, romantic stuff, and we made dinner reservations and everything, but we ended up just staying in and knockin' the bizzoots all day (and all night) long, know what I'm sayin'? Dizzoin' the nizza- sty. Gittin' our lil' freaks on. And afterwards, eating a pizzound of raw cookie dizzough. It was truly a ..., ... Sweetest Day to remember. I don't know if I should be say- . ing this, but D- Town Dana is a real tiger in the sack. I'll cover that in more detail in my next column. Benb3. You might, by this point, be Goldstein wondering why I'm numbering Boo! all of my para- graphs. And I suppose you have every right to know, Constant Reader, so I'll tell you. My friend "Aaron Brink" (that's not his real name, of course) pointed out that my columns were "OK," but they'd be more dynamic, engaging and easier to read if all the para- graphs were numbered or bulleted. So, I'm trying the numbering thing this week. If it goes well, I might try the bullets at some point ,in the future. That's all. 4. 1 fucking love Halloween. If I know you as well as I think I do, you may be asking yourself "Why?" pr maybe silently mouthing the word as you read this. Well, I'm now going to tell you why. First, late October is a beautiful time.of year, what with the colored leaves and brisk chill that makes your extremities tingle in the most delightful way! Second two very important people share a birth- day on Halloween, 'my housemate Brooke (who is just the best - remember to wish her a happy birth- day if you see her on Wednesday) and Vanilla Ice, who I knew when he was just Robbie Van Winkle, a kind and unassuming young man who liked nothing more than to race his motor- cycle around the neighborhood. Third the holiday itself is absolutely bombdiggity. I'll use paragraph five to describe why I think this is. 5. Candy is great, especially those snack-size Snickers bars. Scaring lit- tle kids and old people is great, espe- cially if you're like me and you have a ton of pent-up aggression that real- ly should be worked out in therapy but is instead usually pushed way, way deep down inside. There is an atmosphere of debauchery in the air that brings out the snot-nosed little' prankster in all of us. And most col- lege girls I know use Halloween as an excuse to get super-sexy, cos- tume-wise. It's fantastic. All of the devils, angels, schoolgirls, French maids, kitty cats and belly dancers come out ... and all of them showing off their delicious asses! Now that's my kind of candy! Yum yum, Trick or Treat! 6. Since Halloween is only six days away (can't wait!), I'll share a story with you. It's a scary story, so if you have young children reading this with you, put them to bed right now. It's about a boy named Dirk. Dirk was a fifth-grader who loved Halloween. When night fell on October 31, he rushed out the door to meet his friends, Mark, Eddie, Brock, Reed, Chest and Philip Seymour. After an hour and a half of trolling the familiar streets around his own, Dirk told his friends he felt like crossing the railroad tracks to "the rich side of town," where he could get some serious candy. Mark, Eddie, Brock, Reed, Chest and Philip Seymour all said they didn't want to, because their parents had told them_ I Reaction Women's Steve Madden never to bother those people. Dirk had no parents; he was raised by an older sister. So, he went off on his own, crossed the tracks, gave his friends the finger and called them "pussies." 7. Long story short, the people on the other side of the tracks, who seemed so nice from afar, gave Dirk' Rice Krispie treats with razor blades in them and an entire fruitcake that could have just as easily been called a "fruit and rat poison cake." He ended up in the hospital and almost died. 8. So when you go trick-or-treat- ing on Wednesday, there are a few things you need to remember. 1) Go with a large group, and stay with the group. 2) Do not bother rich folks. 3) Have everything you are given inspected by an adult before you eat it; don't give into the temptation to dig into your haul before going home. 4) Don't wear dark-colored costumes; cars won't be able to see you and that could be dangerous. 5) Expect the unexpected! Bring- a backpack with provisions for at least three days. You could get lost in the woods. 6) Stay away from 502 Catherine. I heard they give out pen- nies instead of candy. 7) If you do happen to get lost in the woods (as mentioned in point 5), and you see a house, which seems a little odd because of its remoteness from civi- lization and the fact that it's all by itself out there in the woods, do not go inside, even if nobody seems to be home. The house is where Leatherface and the rest of his fami- lv live. And if you've seen "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," you'd remem- ber that the murderous family of can- nibals didn't even spare the poor kid in the wheelchair. Franklin, I believe his name was. 9. "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," or TCM as I like to call it, is an incredi- ble horror flick. If you're too old to go trick-or-treating and are thinking about staying in and renting a movie, don't go with the obvious (i.e. "Halloween," "The Exorcist," "Friday the 13th"). Get TCM. It was revolutionary in its day. Compared to horror movies made before it, TCM was like what grunge was to glam rock. 10. One final thought. If people come to your door asking for candy, believe them when they say "trick-or- treat." In other words, if you don't give up the goods, your ass could very well be tricked like a real ho-ass bitch, and it would be your own damn fault. If you forget to buy candy on Wednesday, give out beer or plastic bags full of dry cereal instead. Your egg-free car, toilet paper-free front yard and dead cat-free porch will thank you later. 11. lave a great Halloween every- body. Be safe, be smart and have fun. Take care of yourselves. And each other. Ben Goldstein can be reached at bjgoldst@umich.edu, and yes, he will just be using Halloween as an excuse to dress sexy. E-mail him with a scary Halloween-themed tale ofyour own. The most blood-curdling one wins a coupon for six bagels at Einstein Brothers! That's spook-tacular! Venturing to Ashley's, downtown yields better bar experience By Michael Grass Weekend, Etc. Food and Drink Critic The student population at the University falls into two distinct cate- gories: Townie and non-townie. And while geography is a good tool to mea- sure this distinction (average Joe stu- dent stays close to South University Avenue, while free-thinkers and pro- gressives are more apt to frequent State, Liberty and Main streets), the place where students choose to do their drink- ing can be a far superior method. For many students of age, thinking about straying from Tuesdays at Mitch's Place, Wednesday's at Rick's American Cafe and Thursday's at Scorekeepers-cycle, is sacrilegious. For many students, a venture across the Diag to S'keepers is the closest to downtown they will get in their college career. I can see why. For the average Greek living on Washtenaw Avenue, a 20- minute walk to Main Street is not worth it. The bad parking downtown is a deterrent as well. Granted. That's why the social scene of most people doesn't move past South U. For you who think Good Time Charley's has good food, stop reading now; you don't deserve to leave your South U. ghetto. If you are not willing to abandon your South U. mentality, you have no business crossing State Street. If you are willing to open your eyes, there are better bars out there. And if you aren't afraid to mix with the "town- ies," Ann Arbor will be a totally differ- ent city. For variety, two places come to mind when I get tired of the monotony of Thursday nights at S'keepers or Tuesday's at Mitch's. The first isn't all that far away, in fact, it's closer to cam- pus than S'keepers: Ashley's Pub at 338 S. State St. "Life is too short to drink cheap beer": That's Ashley's motto and as the state's largest multi-tap, you won't drink Sdebaucherized beer -- by that I mean a macro brew, i.e. Bud Light, Coors, Miller Genuine Draft. The lowest grade beer they have is Labatt's Blue and Amstel Light, consid- ered good beer at a place on South U. But Ashley's makes the beer seem glamorous - Labatt's Blue is described on the menu as a "pale lager, bland per- fumy sweetness" while Amstel Light is a "light bodied beer, sharp on the palate with a dry finish." You have to be adventurous. If not, you are desecrating the joint and open- ing yourself up to attack. (Once, I heard an entire section go quiet when some- one asked for MGD.) So what if you are in Ashley's for the first time and are a "degener-brew" connoisseur, instead of someone who has an acquired beer taste? Don't fret, follow these steps and you'll be OK. ' Ashley's beer list is divided into the following sections: English ales, Belgian ales, Scottish ales, lagers, porters and stouts, specialty beers and wheat beers. If you don't know what those mean, ask your server. All Ashley's staff I've come across know what they're talking about and are good at guiding you through the beer selec- tion process. You can also sample beers to get an orientation. My current favorite is Ruddles County Ale, after a year of ordering the Motor City Pale Ale, Celebrator Dopplebock and Dead Guy Ale. All beers here are worth trying. Try the Caledonian Double Dark from Scotland for $6.50: "Open copper boiling vessels impart a great mellow- ness to this dark ale." Or one of Ashley's specialty beers like De Troch Kriek from Belgium for S8: "A lambic beer, sweet cherry flavor with a long sharp finish. Or Bell's Kalamazoo Stout for $5: "Rich dark, ale malt brew, sweet with a hint of coffee aftertaste." Ashley's has more than 60 beers on tap and navigating the complete list can be a challenge. If you're vigilant, will- ing to stray from the ordinary, you'll find something that you'll like. Ashley's liquor offerings are just as extensive and also has the city's finest collection of scotch and whiskey, most in the S6-$9 range. Ashley's has grown to be my favorite bar in the city because of its good mix of townies and non-townies. I've run into my GSIs and even University Regent Dan Horning (R-Grand Haven). It's a place for everyone to eat, drink and be merry. Speaking of food, out of any campus bar, Ashley's rates up there with some of the best non-drink offerings. (Try the Stilton Fries and the Lineman burger.) Obviously, Ashley's is more expen- sive than most campus bars. In the name of better beer, the price is worth it. But what if you want to escape it all and blend into the woodwork at an exclusively "townie" bar? What if you want to totally escape the ass pants, pea coats and Abercrombie visors? Then try something downtown, like the Del Rio at 122 W. Washington St., just one block west of Main., The Del isn't a huge place. It doesn't boast a beer selection like Ashley's does, but the place, like Ashley's, has steered clear of the campus macro-brew consensus, sticking to pub classics like Bass and Bell's. Thankfully, you won't find Honey Brown or Milwaukee's Best. Not much has changed at the Del in the past 20 years. In fact reading a Daily Diesel review from 1982 yields the same ty of impression now: "1982 - we're drowning in a sea pink and green as students try to c conform each other. We sip our bee Charley's or Dooley's (I have no i where Dooley's was), where har peppy, preppy plasticity is the ordei the day. ... That's OK -- if you're go at that sort of thing. But if you long a time when the hair longer, the clot more rumpled and the drunken st ments more profound, there's still oasis of the Ann Arbor bar circuit. ., haven of authenticity? Del Rio." - That's right. At the Del, you're m likely to run into a interesting holdc from the 1960s or a town philosop rather than a vapid group of cam student group leaders having a g together at Charley's over a pitchei Honey Brown discussing their next : vice project. 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