4B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazine - Thursday, October 18, 2001
CARTOON CRUSHES ARE NOT THAT WEIRD
The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazine
ELITE ENTERTAINMENT ExPoSITIO
hink Saturday morning. Think 10 years
ago. If this doesn't conjure up visions of
Scooby Doo and Frosted Cherry Pop
Tarts, then your childhood was seriously
devoid of American culture.
I was a child of the 1980s. Most of you were,
too. If Jefferson Starship, "Charles in Charge"
and "Punky Brewster" mean anything to you,
then count yourself in.
And, as a byproduct of the neon generation,
I embrace the impact that Saturday-morning
cartoons had upon my life. The many hours
spent with "My Little Pony" and
"Transformers" have molded me into the
upstanding young University of Michigan stu-
dent that I am today.
And while we give props to our animated
companions, let's not exclude the influential,
all-popular Simpsons. Matt Groening has sin-
gle-handedly created a modern Cleaver family;
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his little yellow people are a staple, a symbol,
of today's society. They're just so freaking
Nintendo, Sena Genesis and video games
also had a special place in my formative years.
Combined with the Disney movies, they pro-
vided every reason to worship the television;
there was just no limit as to how long I would
be glued to our set.
My reading material was comprised of a
completely different set of-
cartoons. "Archie" comics,
Charles Schult.z's "Peanuts"
and the "X-Men" provided
most of my role-models. By
.com the end, I had the "He-Man
and She-Ra Movie" down
If you question the bene-
fit of animated heroes, just
check out Wonder Woman.
She had a patriotic outfit,
killer abs and the ability to
save the world. What more
- could any parent ask for?
When I was seven-years-
old, all I aspired to be was
Jem. Yep. Pink hair. Yep.
Misfits. She had these dan-
gly star earrings that were
truly, truly, truly outra-
But minor problems
arose as the pre-pubescent
stages set in. Whereas
before I had aspired to be
cartoons, there was this
shift and suddenly. I wanted
to do cartoons.
Remember Raphael of
"Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles" infamy? The hero in a half-shell who
was green? e was atotal babe: we even had
similar interests (pizza and video games)-. I
could tell that it was fate.
But Raphael was just one
of many cute characters.
Don't even get me started
on Aladdin, Simba and
other miscellaneous prince
charmings. If the turtles are
'. a bit of a stretch for your
hormonal urges, check out
Prince Eric, the little iner-
I get all star struck just
remembering the way that
Sarah Beast morphed into the
Rubin ballroom-dancing heart-
throb that made Belle say,
Pieces "fOui! Oui!
And these are only the
Flaircartoon boys. Their cool-
ness-factor pales in com-
parison to Betty and Veronica, who were by far
the most booty-licious comic girls ever. "Sailor
Moon," anyone'? Those anime ladies are the
most stylish people this side of "Vogue."
So it's okay if you have a thing for Space
Ghost or that little sponge dude. I mean. it's
perfectly natural to lust after cartoon charac-
ters. Everyone's doing it. In the end, I think
that it reflects positively upon college students.
You see, if' we can have crushes on Ninja
Turtles and other random two-dimensional ani-
mals that talk, then maybe we are not so
appearance-oriented, shallow and pretentious.
Really, a physical attraction to cartoons may
represent the deeper, more emotional side of
our twenty-something, live-in-the-now nature.
Then again, maybe Papa Smurf is just that
-If/you have sexual fantasies about
Thunder Cats or are appalled at the
prospect of a naked Care Bear-
please feel fee to share ynur
insights with Sarah Rabin at
Tumor is quite possibly the most
- important natural resource the
world has right now. To make
people laugh is therapeutic and can con-
nect human beings
to one another,
force them to see
the folly of division
and bring them
together to rally for
truth and justice.
Sadly, some of us
need to maintain.
and poise to discuss
the true problems in
While I would love
to wax sillily on
random topics of
little importance, if
only to improve
morale, I under-
Movies that I hate
should not be made
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stand my place as a journalist is simply to
tell the truth and bring to light thought
and discussion of current, unrelentingly
pressing topics, such as movies I hate.
Before your feelings of utter abandon
and hopelessness encompass the entire
afternoon, I must impress upon you the
fact that this is for the masses, and if my
instructions are followed properly, life
will improve for all Americans. Movies
that I hate are a scourge to our fair coun-
try, and Hollywood must quit making
them. While it is self evident that I hate
them, the implication is that, as a respect-
ed film critic and social commentator, I
have my finger on the heartbeat of the
world, and that movies I hate are an
affront to us all. In certain cases, it is sim-
ply a lone film that must be annexed
from public recollection and never
repeated. Worse, though, is when entire
genres begin a downward spiral away
from the film-canister and into the waste-
paper basket. Too many good people
have lost all sense of decency and moral
turpitude in one deplorable genre film
after another (I'm looking at you, Mr.
Cusak). Space dictates that I may only
discuss a handful of offenders, but for a
full list of all movies that I hate, please
write to your congressperson, for they
have all been supplied with a copy and
are trained in expressing my thoughts on
DIRTY DANCING - The problems of
this film are so broad and far-reaching
that I'm hesitant as to where to start.
How about the plot? Rich girl (who hap-
pens to be as sexually suppressed as a
Diet Coke in the freezer) falls in love
with a poor "bad" dude with a heart of
gold. Originality wouldn't touch this film
if it were dying and needed water. Also,
note the "sarcastic" quotation marks
around the word "bad" This is because
the "bad" boy is a dancer. An evil dancer.
Don't think about that too hard, or the
vein in your eyebrow may pop off.
Seriously, the chemistry between
Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swayze is sim-
ilar to the chemistry between my parents-
after my dad gets ripped and spends
Christmas Eve with mom's best friend.
This movie is the cinematic equivalent of
slicing off your nipple and pouring folic
acid into the wound.
SAVING PRIVATE RYAN - Yes, the
beach-storming opening is a technical
marvel, but it is simply a chocolate kiss
stirred into a watery bowl of cream of
wheat. The dialogue would have sounded
stilted had the film been released in
1945, and I have a sneaking feeling that
it may have been written by the folks that
write car stereo instructions. A film that
proposed to be so realistic should, by
some stretch of the imagination, have a
character that wasn't delivered in a box. I
would have had more respect for
Spielberg if he had named his characters
"The Irish Guy," "The Crazy Guy" and
"The Tom Hanks." Just watch the first
first 20 minutes of this film, and then
watch "Dr. Strangelove." It'll be a better
viewing experience and save you nearly
an hour. Which reminds, Hanks, you're
already in trouble for ...
FORREST Gumr -This flick is like a
box of chocolates: Overpriced, over-
wrought, full of crappy bad acting and so
bad that I'd rather start hanging out at the
Dental School on Friday nights than ever
have to watch this tripe again. This movie
claims that you can do anything if you
just put your mind to it. Yeah, and if you
also happen to be fictional. In real life,
Forrest would have been an amiable man
who cleaned floors or dropped french
fries and would have been killed in the
war. Period. Undebatable. The sap-fest of
a film was spawned directly from the
pages of "How to Make Idiots Cry For
Dummies." There's nothing magical
about this movie, the triumph of the
human spirit should not manifest itself
through talking to powerful men about
urine. When this film won "Best Picture"
I died inside.
THE PATRIOT - Now, far be it from
me to pick on Mel or anything pro-
America, but I take this arrogant vanity-
project as the prime example of why
Hollywood should never be allowed to
make an epic again, ever. This goes dou-
ble for Ridley Scott. Who decreed that
that movies had to include long shots of
open fields and an obligitory shot of the
male lead with a tear in his eye to win an
Oscar? "Citizen Kane" was an epic that
spanned a life, and it only took two
hours. And where's Costner? Give it up, I
didn't know any human being was capa-
ble of doling out so much abuse to both
himself and others! "The Postman" was
w&se than that time I had shingles.
These movies insult the audience as well
as their subjects, if historical. WWII vets
should re-call to arms and attack Jerry
Bruckheimer's house. He is the A-num-
ber-one culprit of slinging this trash
down our throats. I would rather donate
my own leg than have to sit through one
more second of Ben Affleck looking
- Lvle is 100 percent right, but if you
disagree, e-mail him at
WHAT'S NEWS IN
Figures in millions of dollars.
1. Training Day (13.3) Denzel has-
n't looked this good since he was "The
Hurricane," but "Training Day" is a
sucking storm too.
2. Bandits (13.0) Yeah, Billy Bob
should stick to rubbing Angelina's
3. Corky Romano (9.0) Bubbles
was seen buying a ticket to this. Michael
needs to put a leash on that ape.
4. Serendipity (8.7) Are you jok-
KELLY KAPOWSKI TO WED (AND
IT'S NOT ZACK MORRIS) -
Former "Saved By the Bell" bomb-
shell Tiffani Amber-Theissen is cet-
ting married. The Internet Movie
Database reported that the actress
plans to wed Richard Ruccolo
whose previous works include "Two
Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place."
JIGGA GETS THREE YEARS PRO-
BATION FOR STABBING PEOPLE -
Billboard.com reports that Shawn
Carter (a.k.a. rapper Jay-Z) is
expected to get three years proba-
tion for an alleged stabbing. He was
facing a maximum penalty of 15
years in jail.
AI.TMAN RIPS HOLLYWOOD A
NEW ONE - Academy Award nom-
inated director Robert Altman has
blamed Hollywood for "inspiring"
the Sept. 11 attacks. Zap2it.com
reports that Altman, the director of
such films as "M*A*S*H" and
"The Player," suggested that the
depictions of mass destruction in
blockbuster movies are responsible
for the terrorist attacks. He went on
to say that it is now Hollywood's
responsibility to cease making films
that will give any prospective ter-
rorists any more ideas.
THE SHOW WILL GO ON - After
a disheartening last-minute cancela-
tion of its second try, The Emmys
have once again been rescheduled
for November 4. The show will air
from the Shubert Theatre in L.A.
instead of the Shrine Auditorium,
causing the Academy of Television
Arts and Sciences to refund over
4,000 tickets due to the decreased
capacity of the Shubert. While
many in the industry feel there
should be a complete cancelation of
the awards show, The Associated
Press reports that 95 percent sup-
port the rescheduling. The show
will fall somewhere in the middle
between ^the typical ceremony and
Weekend box office
5. Don't Say a Word (6.7) We
6. Sinuin Wong Fei-hung tsi tit-
malau (6.0) God bless you.
7. Zoolander (5.0) Ben Stiller, Will
Ferrell, some freaky costumes.
8. Joy Ride (4.9) Sounds like just
another late night with my special lady
9. Max Keeble's Big Move (4.0)
Bring out the Depends. Pants will be
10. Hearts in Atlantis (2.7) Sucks
Courtesy of Warner Bros.
Yeah, bad-ass, I need a vallum.
1. Pain is Love, Ja Rule - I liked
Ja Rule better when he was called DMX.
2. The Blueprint, Jay-Z - Jay-Z
hasn't known a hard knock life in many
years. Must be tough being a jigga.
3. A Day Without Rain, Enya -
Yes, we checked this week. Monkeys are
buying CDs, and seeing Corky Romano.
4. Songs in A Minor, Alicia Keys -
We're out of jokes. Send all of yours to
We're not screwing around.
5. Silver Side Up, Nickelback -
This dude, aside from being ugly, can't
Tiff ... Why?