------ ---- 4B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazine - Thursday, October 18, 2001 -1pr- -qlv -w- -W- -w- w w I CARTOON CRUSHES ARE NOT THAT WEIRD The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazine ELITE ENTERTAINMENT ExPoSITIO hink Saturday morning. Think 10 years ago. If this doesn't conjure up visions of Scooby Doo and Frosted Cherry Pop Tarts, then your childhood was seriously devoid of American culture. I was a child of the 1980s. Most of you were, too. If Jefferson Starship, "Charles in Charge" and "Punky Brewster" mean anything to you, then count yourself in. And, as a byproduct of the neon generation, I embrace the impact that Saturday-morning cartoons had upon my life. The many hours spent with "My Little Pony" and "Transformers" have molded me into the upstanding young University of Michigan stu- dent that I am today. And while we give props to our animated companions, let's not exclude the influential, all-popular Simpsons. Matt Groening has sin- gle-handedly created a modern Cleaver family; [ NUCTO 516 E. Libertyi 734.994.5436 Ann Arbor, MI www.thenecto ALL EVENTS: ALWAYS 18 & UP DOORS OPEN AT 9 PM his little yellow people are a staple, a symbol, of today's society. They're just so freaking cool. Nintendo, Sena Genesis and video games also had a special place in my formative years. Combined with the Disney movies, they pro- vided every reason to worship the television; there was just no limit as to how long I would be glued to our set. My reading material was comprised of a completely different set of- cartoons. "Archie" comics, Charles Schult.z's "Peanuts" and the "X-Men" provided most of my role-models. By .com the end, I had the "He-Man and She-Ra Movie" down verbatim. If you question the bene- fit of animated heroes, just check out Wonder Woman. She had a patriotic outfit, killer abs and the ability to save the world. What more - could any parent ask for? When I was seven-years- old, all I aspired to be was Jem. Yep. Pink hair. Yep. Misfits. She had these dan- gly star earrings that were truly, truly, truly outra- geous. But minor problems arose as the pre-pubescent stages set in. Whereas before I had aspired to be cartoons, there was this shift and suddenly. I wanted to do cartoons. Remember Raphael of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" infamy? The hero in a half-shell who was green? e was atotal babe: we even had similar interests (pizza and video games)-. I could tell that it was fate. But Raphael was just one of many cute characters. Don't even get me started on Aladdin, Simba and other miscellaneous prince charmings. If the turtles are '. a bit of a stretch for your hormonal urges, check out Prince Eric, the little iner- maid's beau. I get all star struck just remembering the way that Sarah Beast morphed into the Rubin ballroom-dancing heart- throb that made Belle say, Pieces "fOui! Oui! And these are only the Flaircartoon boys. Their cool- ness-factor pales in com- parison to Betty and Veronica, who were by far the most booty-licious comic girls ever. "Sailor Moon," anyone'? Those anime ladies are the most stylish people this side of "Vogue." So it's okay if you have a thing for Space Ghost or that little sponge dude. I mean. it's perfectly natural to lust after cartoon charac- ters. Everyone's doing it. In the end, I think that it reflects positively upon college students. You see, if' we can have crushes on Ninja Turtles and other random two-dimensional ani- mals that talk, then maybe we are not so appearance-oriented, shallow and pretentious. Really, a physical attraction to cartoons may represent the deeper, more emotional side of our twenty-something, live-in-the-now nature. Then again, maybe Papa Smurf is just that hot. -If/you have sexual fantasies about Thunder Cats or are appalled at the prospect of a naked Care Bear- please feel fee to share ynur insights with Sarah Rabin at syruhinduumich.edu . Tumor is quite possibly the most - important natural resource the world has right now. To make people laugh is therapeutic and can con- nect human beings to one another, force them to see the folly of division and bring them together to rally for truth and justice. Sadly, some of us need to maintain. utter seriousness and poise to discuss the true problems in America today. While I would love to wax sillily on random topics of little importance, if only to improve morale, I under- Lyle Henretty Less Than Zero Movies that I hate should not be made FUJI GIFTS L-1 I Grand Opening Imports from Japan & Korea --- - Tea Sets - Green Tea - Chopsticks - Sake Sets - Purses - Japanese Traditional Sword - Knot Jewelry & Accessories - Doll Dishes - Earthen Vessels - Asian Traditional Style Lamps - Handphone Hangers - Asian Style Key Chain and much more! 500 + items - most items made by hand We are Located in Kerrytown - 415 N. Fifth Ave Ann Arbor, MI 48104 (734) 222-0032 e T I n d 0 i r l :409 sh2928 stand my place as a journalist is simply to tell the truth and bring to light thought and discussion of current, unrelentingly pressing topics, such as movies I hate. Before your feelings of utter abandon and hopelessness encompass the entire afternoon, I must impress upon you the fact that this is for the masses, and if my instructions are followed properly, life will improve for all Americans. Movies that I hate are a scourge to our fair coun- try, and Hollywood must quit making them. While it is self evident that I hate them, the implication is that, as a respect- ed film critic and social commentator, I have my finger on the heartbeat of the world, and that movies I hate are an affront to us all. In certain cases, it is sim- ply a lone film that must be annexed from public recollection and never repeated. Worse, though, is when entire genres begin a downward spiral away from the film-canister and into the waste- paper basket. Too many good people have lost all sense of decency and moral turpitude in one deplorable genre film after another (I'm looking at you, Mr. Cusak). Space dictates that I may only discuss a handful of offenders, but for a full list of all movies that I hate, please write to your congressperson, for they have all been supplied with a copy and are trained in expressing my thoughts on the matter. DIRTY DANCING - The problems of this film are so broad and far-reaching that I'm hesitant as to where to start. How about the plot? Rich girl (who hap- pens to be as sexually suppressed as a Diet Coke in the freezer) falls in love with a poor "bad" dude with a heart of gold. Originality wouldn't touch this film if it were dying and needed water. Also, note the "sarcastic" quotation marks around the word "bad" This is because the "bad" boy is a dancer. An evil dancer. Don't think about that too hard, or the vein in your eyebrow may pop off. Seriously, the chemistry between Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swayze is sim- ilar to the chemistry between my parents- after my dad gets ripped and spends Christmas Eve with mom's best friend. This movie is the cinematic equivalent of slicing off your nipple and pouring folic acid into the wound. SAVING PRIVATE RYAN - Yes, the beach-storming opening is a technical marvel, but it is simply a chocolate kiss stirred into a watery bowl of cream of wheat. The dialogue would have sounded stilted had the film been released in 1945, and I have a sneaking feeling that it may have been written by the folks that write car stereo instructions. A film that proposed to be so realistic should, by some stretch of the imagination, have a character that wasn't delivered in a box. I would have had more respect for Spielberg if he had named his characters "The Irish Guy," "The Crazy Guy" and "The Tom Hanks." Just watch the first first 20 minutes of this film, and then watch "Dr. Strangelove." It'll be a better viewing experience and save you nearly an hour. Which reminds, Hanks, you're already in trouble for ... FORREST Gumr -This flick is like a box of chocolates: Overpriced, over- wrought, full of crappy bad acting and so bad that I'd rather start hanging out at the Dental School on Friday nights than ever have to watch this tripe again. This movie claims that you can do anything if you just put your mind to it. Yeah, and if you also happen to be fictional. In real life, Forrest would have been an amiable man who cleaned floors or dropped french fries and would have been killed in the war. Period. Undebatable. The sap-fest of a film was spawned directly from the pages of "How to Make Idiots Cry For Dummies." There's nothing magical about this movie, the triumph of the human spirit should not manifest itself through talking to powerful men about urine. When this film won "Best Picture" I died inside. THE PATRIOT - Now, far be it from me to pick on Mel or anything pro- America, but I take this arrogant vanity- project as the prime example of why Hollywood should never be allowed to make an epic again, ever. This goes dou- ble for Ridley Scott. Who decreed that that movies had to include long shots of open fields and an obligitory shot of the male lead with a tear in his eye to win an Oscar? "Citizen Kane" was an epic that spanned a life, and it only took two hours. And where's Costner? Give it up, I didn't know any human being was capa- ble of doling out so much abuse to both himself and others! "The Postman" was w&se than that time I had shingles. These movies insult the audience as well as their subjects, if historical. WWII vets should re-call to arms and attack Jerry Bruckheimer's house. He is the A-num- ber-one culprit of slinging this trash down our throats. I would rather donate my own leg than have to sit through one more second of Ben Affleck looking thoughtful. - Lvle is 100 percent right, but if you disagree, e-mail him at lhenrett §qumich.edu 1 I WHAT'S NEWS IN ENTERTAI NMENT Figures in millions of dollars. 1. Training Day (13.3) Denzel has- n't looked this good since he was "The Hurricane," but "Training Day" is a sucking storm too. 2. Bandits (13.0) Yeah, Billy Bob should stick to rubbing Angelina's Jolies. 3. Corky Romano (9.0) Bubbles was seen buying a ticket to this. Michael needs to put a leash on that ape. 4. Serendipity (8.7) Are you jok- ing.? KELLY KAPOWSKI TO WED (AND IT'S NOT ZACK MORRIS) - Former "Saved By the Bell" bomb- shell Tiffani Amber-Theissen is cet- ting married. The Internet Movie Database reported that the actress plans to wed Richard Ruccolo whose previous works include "Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place." JIGGA GETS THREE YEARS PRO- BATION FOR STABBING PEOPLE - Billboard.com reports that Shawn Carter (a.k.a. rapper Jay-Z) is expected to get three years proba- tion for an alleged stabbing. He was facing a maximum penalty of 15 years in jail. AI.TMAN RIPS HOLLYWOOD A NEW ONE - Academy Award nom- inated director Robert Altman has blamed Hollywood for "inspiring" the Sept. 11 attacks. Zap2it.com reports that Altman, the director of such films as "M*A*S*H" and "The Player," suggested that the depictions of mass destruction in blockbuster movies are responsible for the terrorist attacks. He went on to say that it is now Hollywood's responsibility to cease making films that will give any prospective ter- rorists any more ideas. THE SHOW WILL GO ON - After a disheartening last-minute cancela- tion of its second try, The Emmys have once again been rescheduled for November 4. The show will air from the Shubert Theatre in L.A. instead of the Shrine Auditorium, causing the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences to refund over 4,000 tickets due to the decreased capacity of the Shubert. While many in the industry feel there should be a complete cancelation of the awards show, The Associated Press reports that 95 percent sup- port the rescheduling. The show will fall somewhere in the middle between ^the typical ceremony and Weekend box office 5. Don't Say a Word (6.7) We won't. 6. Sinuin Wong Fei-hung tsi tit- malau (6.0) God bless you. 7. Zoolander (5.0) Ben Stiller, Will Ferrell, some freaky costumes. 8. Joy Ride (4.9) Sounds like just another late night with my special lady friend. 9. Max Keeble's Big Move (4.0) Bring out the Depends. Pants will be pooped. 10. Hearts in Atlantis (2.7) Sucks ass. Courtesy of Warner Bros. Yeah, bad-ass, I need a vallum. Billboard t 1. Pain is Love, Ja Rule - I liked Ja Rule better when he was called DMX. 2. The Blueprint, Jay-Z - Jay-Z hasn't known a hard knock life in many years. Must be tough being a jigga. 3. A Day Without Rain, Enya - Yes, we checked this week. Monkeys are buying CDs, and seeing Corky Romano. 4. Songs in A Minor, Alicia Keys - We're out of jokes. Send all of yours to alicia.keys.sucks.ass@umich.edu. We're not screwing around. 5. Silver Side Up, Nickelback - This dude, aside from being ugly, can't i.. I Tiff ... Why? I.