12B The Michigan Daily - *ekend, etc. Magazine - Th day, March 15, 2001
The Michigo Daily - Weeken
Lisa Rajt and Lyle Henretty are both
LS&A undergrads, and currently serve
as lowly Arts scribes at the Daily.
You may remember Lyle from his bit-
ter ruminations about life, or caught one
of his frequent appearances on campus
drinking coffee at Amer's or doing
homework at the library.
Lisa is fondly known around campus
as "that girl who wrote the article on how
to get laid," and is introduced in such a
manner when meeting new people at
parties. She is also an resident advisor at
West Quad (1st and 2nd Rumsey in the
ADVICE COLUMNISTS SEEK FAME, FORTUNE
house!), and her last name is pronounced
Lisa: We be comin' at ya hard core
wit' some straight-up shit, yo!!!
(Translation: We're going to provide the
University student body with realistic
advice based on sound judgment and
good ideas. Or something.)
Lyle: The only reason I'm doing this
is because I think that it was an asinine
idea to have an advice column in the first
place, yet I feel compelled to prevent it
from falling completely into the estro-
gen-laced hands of my esteemed (read:
pathetic) colleague Lisa Rajt. Yeah, just
what we need, some crap-spewing Ann
Lander's wanna-be answering questions
from people with no real friends. You
want advice? I'll give you advice.
Lisa: You're just jealous because I can
get laid on a regular basis.
Lyle: Ah, I see she's as mature as she
is intelligent. On a weekly basis, right
here in the Weekend etc., Lisa and I will
answer your questions about whatever
you're too confused and/or dumb to
work out on your own. Lisa will tell you
what your mom would tell you, and I'll
tell you the honest-to-God answers that
you need to remain a productive member
Lisa: Would your mom divulge her
secrets on everything from how to main-
tain your GPA while getting trashed
every night, to grabbing the attention of
that hot guy in your psych class? Would
your mom tell you everything you want
to know about sex, drugs and rock n'
roll? I'll give you solid advice about how
to survive each day here with success
and a feeling of personal self-worth. Or
something like that. And unlike my
league, I'll be
nice about it!
Lyle: You want
advice on how to
ways. Don't walk
up to a basketball
player and say
"You guys suck."
Don't drink the
open beer that
some jackass just
There, that's simple.
Continued from Page 4B
season. However, like many of the
back-ups, he had an extremedy suc-
cessful high school career placing in
the Michigan state championships.
Though most collegiate wrestling
matches are decided from the neu-
tral position, I spent most of our 25-
minute scrimmage either on my
stomach with my face scraping
against the mat, or on my back try-
ing desperately not to get pinned. I'd
like to say that I was just giving
Gonzalez practice on his pinning
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Lisa: Not by a long shot, buck-o. Why
don't we give our readers a sample of
what we'll be doing every week (besides
getting our groove on to the Taste of
Ghetto Love CD in the Arts room, while
consuming large quantities of alcohol
and helping Lyle overcome his rubber
doll fetish). The long and winding road
that inquiries will travel down before
gracing the pages of The Michigan Daily
is as follows: Basically, you're going to
e-mail us at email@example.com.
We're going to pick the most profound
and interesting (read: easy to poke fun
at) questions, and then answer them in
this charming and entertaining he-said,
Lyle: Oh great, yeah, really glad that
you made a reference to a bad Kevin
Bacon movie there, Lisa. Just what I
wanted to be associated with, why don't
we just name this column "Crap on a
Stick?" Anyway, here is an advanced
question that we got from an alert reader
who actually saw our tease in the
Weekend before break:
Dear Lyle & Lisa,
What is the meaning of life?
- Fretting on South Forest
Lisa: You know what, I have no clue.
I'm really sorry (hey, at least I'm being
honest!). I was kind of expecting that
people's questions would run more along
the lines of "What should I buy my girl-
friend for her birthday?," not one of the
most profound and vexing questions in
all of humanity. I guess if forced, I'd say
that the meaning of life is to impact as
many people as possible in the most pos-
itive manner that you can. Or something.
Lyle: We are here, Lisa, to answer
people's questions, so I think that you
should try a little harder next time. I will
definitively tell Frettin' and the rest of
the world that the meaning of life is
drinking a 40-ounce Colt 45 and eating
pizza while watching '70s slasher
movies. Prove me wrong. God, I hate
Lisa: Okay, uhhh, moving on. e-mail
us with your inquiries about ... anything
at all. E-mail us and tell us whether or
not you like us. e-mail us and tell us
which one of us is hotter, so Iacan collect
themoney from the pool going around
the 'Arts office and go home.
Lyle: Alright, try to make your ques-
tions at least interesting, or dumb enough
that we can mock you for the nihilist that
you must be to write to us at all.
The Princeton Pev iew' is
th~e Official Ze~st PW for
the Alumi Association of
the Unkiversity of Mi digan.
off the full
Pictures of past NCAA finalists adorn the wall of the practice room, reminding
Michigan wrestlers to live by the motto "Determination, attitude and work ethic."
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