4A - The Michigan Daily - Thursday, March 8, 2001
(14jewcbigttn a
420 MAYNARD STREET
ANN ARBOR, MI 48109
daily.letters@umich.edu
The hitchhiker's guide to the Daily
CwMus KULA UNSUN A'NN ARBOR
EDITED AND MANAGED BY
STUDENTS AT THE
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN
SINCE 1890
GEOFFREY GAGNON
Editor in Chief
MICHAEL GRASS
NICHOLAS WOOMER
Editorial Page Editors
Unless otherwise noted, unsigned editorials reflect the opinion of the majority of the
Daily's editorial board. All other articles, letters and cartoons do not
necessarily reflect the opinion of The Mi~higan Daily
- Keids come up to me
on the street all the
time and ask,
"Kula, what's the best way
to read the Daily?"
"Under heavy seda-
tion," I reply, offering them
barely-legal painkillers.
"No, no," they say,
accepting the pills, "I
mean, when I pick up the Daily, in what order
should I read it?"
That's a good question. The way I see it,
reading The Michigan Daily is much like visit-
ing a big city for the first time: Unless you
know what you're doing, it's easy to end up a
broken man, laying penniless and unconscious
in the gutter.
And since I've witnessed one too many
haggard soul passed out along State Street with
a copy of SportsMonday draped over his face,
I've taken the time to draw up "The Official
Guide to The Michigan Daily," the first authori-
tative manual on how to read this very student
newspaper.
By following my special strategies, you too
can achieve the kind of flat, sexy abs - er,
reading pleasure you've always dreamed of,
satisfaction guaranteed.
Part One: Acquisition, By Any Means Nec-
essary
You cannot partake in the experience that is
the Daily unless you first pick up a copy of the
paper on your way to class. Sometimes, in busy
spots like Angell Hall or the MLB, it can get
fairly crowded around the paper racks, with all
manner of 18 to 24 year-olds vying for a Daily.
To make sure you get yours, it's best to
adopt the persona of a colorfully nicknamed,
former NBA big man. Attack the rack like a
Darryl "Chocolate Thunder" Dawkins, box out
like a Bad Boy-era John "Spider" Salley and
throw some elbows in the style of a Robert
"The Chief' Parrish.
If you bring your A game, there's a chance
you'll not only get a paper but also some signif-
icant minutes in the paint with the men's varsity
next year.
Part Two: All the News That's (More or
Less) Fit to Print
After sitting down in your classroom and
pulling out the paper, the first thing you should
look at is the front page; it's where you'll find
the most important breaking news stories that
no one ever reads all the way through. By just
skimming the headlines, you can get all the
front page info you need in approximately, oh,
12.4 seconds.
So in real time, the average front page, in its
entirety, reads as such: "Bollinger to leave Uni-
versity for Adams College (STOP) 'U' prof
honored for kumquat research (STOP)
Women's studies majors fight hairy stereotypes
(STOP) Greek system sanctioned for sheep
abuse (STOP) Dance Marathon organizers book
Vitamin C." Annnnd ... you're enlightened!
Part Three: It's a Matter of Opinion (or
Dif'rent Strokes to Rule the World)
Having slightly increased your awareness of
inconsequential current events, it's now time to
turn directly to the editorial page. The contro-
versy-seeking page four is the most popular
section of the Daily in the way that Scott Farcus
is the most popular kid on the playground: Peo-
ple love to hate it and hate to love it.
But there's always a laugh to be had on the
editorial page, if not through some letter
writer's display of Ted Nugent-like conser-
vatism then through the all-too-common "I've
learned so much more outside the classroom"
cliche that seems to pop up in nearly, oh, 87.9
percent of all Daily columns.
And speaking of columns, don't even both-
er with the Thursday guy: He kant wright 4 his
life.
Part Four: What's Nine Lettersfor "Sweet
Salvation "?
In my years at the University, I've learned
so much more outside the classroom, with one
such lesson being that the Daily's crossword
puzzle can make an hour and a half lecture
seem shorter than a Color Me Badd greatest
hits album.
Cherish the across, celebrate the down and
milk that puzzle for all it's worth - it's the
Daily's greatest asset. Long before Ralph
Williams comes sailing down the stairs of the
auditorium, you should have the crossword
neatly torn out of the paper and discreetly placed
on your desk so that a slight push of your note-
book will keep it hidden from academic eyes.
While your peers blindly put their faith in
note-taking, you can be solving real problems
like figuring out a six-letter answer to "loved
Chachi" (10 DOWN).
Part Five: ...And the Rest
I don't know much about Daily Arts. I think
it has something to do with movies, music, tele-
vision and other things that really aren't applic-
able to college kids. And I'm pretty sure that
Daily Sports closed up shop after Woodson
went pro, but I could be wrong.
What I know for sure, though, is that by
reading the Daily every day for three months, I
dropped 40 pounds and 6 inches - thanks
Michigan Daily!
Chris Kula's column runs every Thursday. Give
him feedback at ckula@umich.edu or
www.michigandaily.com/forum.
u \ OAT FOOTNAU. TOCETS?
,Y U? WE GOT A PROJECTED
EFICIT TO COVED.
1
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Despite good
intentions, Hideki's
election was a joke
TO THE DAILY:
Anuj Vohra's recent letter, "Hideki's victory
due to dedication, hard work, not a joke"
(3/5/01), criticizing the Daily's Michigan Studen
Assembly election editorial was wrong-headed.
While Hideki didn't think his campaign was a
joke, I do believe he was elected as something of
a joke. Like my friend Vohra, I am no longer a
resident of Ann Arbor and cannot comment on
Hideki's current leadership. On the other hand, I
was around when the student body elected him,
and know that he was elected because his cam-
paign had become a campus-wide joke.
I don't mean to criticize Hided. I have no
doubt that he is very well-meaning and really
had a strong desire to serve in a student govern-
ment position. In fact, from what I knew of
him, his motivations for running for office were
probably more pure than most MSA politicos I
saw in my four years at the University.
But that does not change the fact that his
presidency was the result of a haphazard joke
of an election. His constant campaigning,
which as far as I know started back as early as
the May before his run for office, made him
something of a humorous campus icon. Think
Shaky Jake (only not homeless) with a sand-
wich board. Come election time, he was able to
parlay this notoriety into a seat at the head of
MSA. But did students really vote forahim
because of his message?
No. Few, if any, people vote for MSA
because they believe in the candidate. Election
to the assembly has always been about whether
you get enough of your friends and your
friends' friends to the polls to vote for you.
When the turnout is only around 10 to 20 per-
cent of the student body, you don't need a
whole lot of people on your side. The substance
of the candidates' message don't really matter;
whether or not the candidates can make their
names stick out in people's minds when they
vote does. That's why Angell Hall turns into a
poster-covered mess right before election day.
That's why the campaign advertisements dis-
play the candidates' names in 60-point type and
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resign their platform to 14-point type.
Hideki is not a man with a message. He's a
guy that came up with a good PR strategy -
constant saturation will induce people to think
of you humorously, remember and maybe even
vote for you. It's a tactic that would almost cer-
tainly work again, if only someone could be
bothered to get out of the line at Rick's long
enough to put that much effort into it.
JACK SCHILLACI
Alumnus
The letter writer served as Daily
Editorial Page Editor from 1998-99.
Reviewers show
'utter stupidity'
To THE DAiLY:
After reading several Daily arts staffers'
recent review of "Everyday," the newest album
from the Dave Matthew's Band, we have come
to the conclusion that none of them, with the
possible exception of Chris Kula, know a thing
about music. First off, in regards to the review
by Dustin Seibert, we will not even comment
on the ignorance and utter stupidity displayed
in his writings. In order to be a good critic, one
should be free of all bias, but Seibert seems to
hate everything that does not contain either
window shaking bass or a parental guidance
label. We would like to point out that zero of
the top ten selling albums of all time even
remotely resemble his musical tastes.
Secondly, to John Uhl, Dave Matthew's last
CD "Crash" contained what people perceive to
be sexual content, yet that did not stop it from
going multi-platinum. Dave's lyrics are poetry,
they mean whatever the listener interprets to
mean. Obviously Uhl must be the one that is
horny, sincethat is how he wishes to hear
Dave's lyrics. We have a question. When an
artist changes style, does that call for a poor
review? No. We'd like to point out a few artists
that have had some success in the music world,
while undergoing numerous changes. Bob
Dylan, for example. Much like Dave, Dylan
switched from the acoustic guitar to the electric
in his controversial album "Highway 61 Revis-
ited" and in the process was virtually crucified.
That album contained one of the most critically
acclaimed rock and roll songs of all time "Like
a Rolling Stone." Another example of this is
the Beatles and their "White" album, a far cry
from their previously released material, but is
one of the greatest selling albums of all time. I
suggest finding people who listen to a CD a
few times before writing a review, rather than
listing to an album while drinking beer then
rushing to meet a deadline.
4
i
KURT BRUDE LY
JOHN SPYTEK
LSA sophomores
Editor's note: The letter "Amaker is
wrong choice for 'U' basketball coach"
(2/7/01) was written by L.SA sophomore Joey
Linan.
.1
Why the affirmative action trial was so important
VIEWPOINT
The recent decision by federal District
Judge Patrick Duggan regarding the student
intervenors in the undergraduate University
affirmative action case, Gratz v. Bollinger,
makes all the clearer why we, the student inter-
venors in the University Law School case,
demanded a trial.
Duggan basically threw out all of the claims
of the student intervenors in the undergraduate
case. He did this without even holding a trial.
This was the same judge who originally ruled
that the black and Latino/a student intervenors
had no right to be a party in the case at all (the
higher 611 Circuit appeals court later overruled
him by letting the student intervenors into the
case). His recent decision on the student inter-
venors' claims in the undergraduate case is his
own way of sidestepping the appeals court's
move forward unless you struggle. No judge -
especially a conservative federal judge - was
going to rule for the student intervenors' claims
without a trial. Getting one to rule favorably
even with the strongest possible trial case is in
no way certain.
Duggan's prejudiced and intellectually lazy
decision makes even clearer why our recent
trial in the University Law School case, Grutter
v. Bollinger, was so critically important. We
fought for a trial.
We fought for a trial to lift the stigma that
the Center for Individual Rights and the other
opponents of affirmative action have put over
the heads of every black, Latino/a and Native
American student at the University. We fought
for a trial because, regardless of how Judge
Bernard Friedman rules in the Law School case,
we have cleared out some ground to fight on.
We fought for a trial because "if there is no
struggle there is no progress" (Frederik Dou-
the 30 hours they had available to demonstrate
their commitment to the principle of diversity
and their affirmative action policies. By con-
trast, the student intervenors used almost every
minute we had - 28 hours and 48 minutes -
leaving time for the closing argument.
Our trial made clear not only the harm that
segregation does, it made clear that there is a
new movement that is determined to fight for
integration.
Duggan did not hear about the promise of
integration. He did not hear about the possibili-
ty of a society freed of segregation and inequal-
ity.
Friedman did. Regardless of how Friedman
rules, we have drawn a line to fight over.
Through our trial, the student intervenors
increased our chances of winning in the District
Court, in the 6'1 Circuit Appeals Court and at
the US Supreme Court.
Through our trial, we are beginning to
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